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Posts by cheetah777
Joined: Dec 31, 2009		 Last Post: Jan 3, 2010
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Posts: 18  

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cheetah777   
Dec 31, 2009
Undergraduate / Bowdoin Supplemental Essay - Arabic Immersion Program Learning [4]

First of all, very good essay. It wasn't a chore to read at all. It's nicely vivid; I felt like I could envision all the things you were talking about.

I believe it satisfies the Amherst prompt, but you probably will have to write a different conclusion for the Bowdoin one, stating how the Arabic program has prepared you for learning at Bowdoin College. Something like "I realized that if you really want to learn something, you should stay committed to it despite any difficulties which may arise". Whatever is in your mind.

You use a lot of the verb 'learn' too. Try replacing it with some synonyms.

Again, these are all really minor stuff.
Could you proofread my Bowdoin essay, maybe?
cheetah777   
Dec 31, 2009
Undergraduate / Common App Essay on Mount Kinabalu, Sabah [9]

I also like the originality of the essay. However, I felt like I was reading a book rather than a personal statement. Perhaps you could expound on what impact this legend has on you as a person? I feel like I have to read in between the lines and draw my own conclusions (maybe not the best thing as we can all have different conclusions).

And I agree that an essay can be as long as it needs to be, so long as it remains concise. :) Good luck Mr. kadazan man!
cheetah777   
Dec 31, 2009
Undergraduate / Death by Play-Dough + Acceptance Through Dance - Common App [7]

Well, I actually read the first essay, but halfway through the second one I gave up. Just hinting to you which one grabbed my interest.

If you're going with the first one, I recommend you print it and completely re-write it, looking for any phrases you could shorten or combine, or for sentences you could leave out altogether. Remember to stick mainly to what's completely necessary. The conclusion is also a tad confusing, and although I understand what you were saying, it looks like your thoughts were messily placed down. What are you trying to say? Stick to that.

"It only takes a second to change one's life forever. Well, how about two hours?" <- love this, haha
cheetah777   
Jan 2, 2010
Undergraduate / to become a synthetic chemist: academic interest/professional goal [4]

Overall, the essay is descriptive, but general and vague. It would be nice if you were more specific, like pick some experience from that internship and talk about it, then say why that experience convinced you to pursue Chemistry as a major.
cheetah777   
Jan 2, 2010
Undergraduate / Pomona Supplement - My Deformed Finger [5]

Thank you for reading!

1. a) What experience in high school has mattered most to you? How do you see this experience influencing your decision-making in college?

-----------------------------------

My Deformed Finger

It's ugly, it's pale and it looks rather distorted - it's my deformed finger. Family and friends wonder why I have it, but I'm not bothered by it at all. In fact, I'm quite fine with it lying on my shelf. Now before you begin to assume anything unpleasant, allow me to tell you the story of how I obtained it.

I remember that day very well. I was sitting in the school's office, my back hunched over and my eyes staring at the floor. The Vice Principal was standing in front of me, waiting.

"What's your decision, Tesha?"
I racked my brain for a reply but an assortment of faces flashed in my mind, impeding any rational thoughts. Among them I could see my mother, my father, and my art teacher, all nodding in approval.

"Tesha, I don't think you should continue with this," my parents explained.
"Girl, you're overworked," my art teacher added.
What was I supposed to say? There was a long pause.
"No," I finally stuttered to the Vice Principal. "I won't drop it."

No matter how hard my parents and my teacher tried to convince me to do it, I couldn't drop Art class.

It was the first year of Sixth Form*, and I knew I was stressed. You could walk into my bedroom and see it in the pile of juice bottles on my desk, next to the stacks of reading material and unfinished homework. In one night, I would be writing my Spanish speech with one hand, drafting my French essay with the other, while the rest of my work would be on the floor tickling my feet, waiting to be completed. Art was almost always at the bottom of my to-do lists, because it had the most time-consuming assignments. As a result, I was rather behind in Art.

But when the Vice Principal offered me the choice to relieve some of my burden, I just couldn't do it. Maybe it was my own stubbornness, or even pride, but I couldn't bring myself to tell her "Yes". I wouldn't just be saying, "Yes, I want to discontinue art," but I would be admitting, "Yes, I'm a coward. Yes, I want to give up." So out of the many voices that swirled in my head that day, I chose to listen to only one of them - my own. I left the office with a strange mix of complacency and anxiety. Although I felt glad to have followed my instincts, I was worried that I had made the wrong decision.

Now that I was stuck with Art and my other classes were out of the way, I wasted no time in getting started. I dragged a table into my room, plopped my art materials on top of it, and bolted my bedroom door. I had one week. One week to complete all my artwork to be mailed to the overseas examination office. Would I finish? I wasn't sure, but my hands already seemed to have an answer. My fingers started shaking terribly by the third day, but they didn't stop creating pencil stroke after pencil stroke. They continued to mold the noses and lips of my statues-to-be. By the end of the week, I was covered in so much clay that I resembled the sculptures themselves.

But then I messed up one of the ears, and my frustration reached its peak. I was about to hurl the piece of clay at the wall when I noticed the ridges running along the finger-like lump. There was water trapped between these eskers, unable to surmount the raised bumps of the clay. They reminded me of the obstacles I had faced, and had failed to overcome. I had failed to cope with my busy schedule. I had failed to satisfy the demands of my Art class, and I would probably even fail to finish all these pieces of art on time. Yet here I was. In spite of all the stress and all the suggestions made by my supervisors, I was still trying. I didn't know if my efforts would even amount to anything in the end, but I didn't care. I wasn't about to give up just yet. Inspired by my own perseverance, I placed the disfigured finger on the floor and continued sculpting.

Yes, I still remember that day, feeling completely defeated in the school office. I knew I had failed at that point, and I will probably fail many more times in my life. But I also learned that defeat will only be defeat if you let it be. The Vice Principal gave me a choice - to walk away from Art or to pursue it anyway. I chose to make an effort. As long as the bridge to success was there, no matter how shaky it was, I would still try to cross it.

That contorted clay finger was one such blunder in my string of mistakes, but I didn't smash it against the wall. Instead I rested it on my shelf, scribbling Marilyn vos Savant's quote at the bottom: "Being defeated is often a temporary condition. Giving up is what makes it permanent." That is the anthem of my life.

--------------------------------------

Please give me some helpful critique...and I need to shorten this thing, but I don't know which part to cut off/edit. Also, do you think this works better as my CommonApp essay instead?

Thanks again! :) Will crit back.
cheetah777   
Jan 2, 2010
Undergraduate / Pomona Supplement - My Deformed Finger [5]

Thank you guys so much!
Yes, I wanted to talk more on how the deformed finger affected me and everything, but the essay got too long. :S

Ah, the sentence about the fingers shaking is supposed to connect with the hands in the last sentence, that's why it's so long. :( But I'll take your suggestion and shorten it.

I will go ahead and read yours.

EDIT: Lol, I should probably clarify that the finger is actually the ear. Yes the ear was so messed up it ended up looking like a finger. :P

Oh, and the AdCom should know what Sixth Form is (it's basically like...11th or 12th grade), it's British/Jamaican educational system.
cheetah777   
Jan 2, 2010
Undergraduate / My respect for my ideneity in Quito, Ecuador- Common App [6]

Actually, towards is just British spelling. It's correct (though I'd use American because the colleges are).

And contractions are fine. I saw them in some essays that got admitted into Harvard.
cheetah777   
Jan 2, 2010
Undergraduate / My respect for my ideneity in Quito, Ecuador- Common App [6]

When we arrived at my host family's house, I was stunned by the vastness of the building. The tiles were neatly lined, and the floors were covered entirely with redwood. My host brothers attended private schools and spent their spare time playing with their Xbox or Wii consoles. It was normal to have a maid in a middle-upper class family in Ecuador, butand my host family's maid was even full time. Back home in San Francisco life was not as glamorous. I don'tdidn't(it's best to keep the past tense) have a small courtyard for my grand entrance home nor redwood floors to lead me to my room; instead, my house hasd hard carpeted floors and my grand entrance was walking through a street filled with violence. Aside fromIn addition to being ethnically different, I was financially different. I felt the need to put on an "American" exterior in my first week in Ecuador to cope with these expectations I had of myself(this sentence seems a bit abrupt since you were just talking about differences between you and your host family). When my host family asked if I spoke Chinese, I resisted from speaking Chinese in complete sentences. When my host family asked if I used c hopsticks, I would hesitate and later admit that I did. Tho se expectations I had of myself pressured me to maintain this image of what I thought an 'American' was supposed to be.

Nonetheless, mythe family was interested in my culture,(<- remove comma) and more importantly, in me. They insisted me to be myself and share my Chinese culture with them. (perhaps you could join these two sentences) They did not directly say that but their actions did. Duringon a Thursday afternoon, it was time for Ecuador's most important meal time of the day: Almuerzo - or lunch. The family gathered around the dining room while Rita, the family maid, prepared spiced rice, fried banana, delicious black bean stew, and Ecuadorian Chuleta-pork chops-(<- get rid of hyphen and put a comma)neatly on ceramic plates. It was time to chow down (is chow informal?). Suddenly the signal to begin eating was halted with a "Un momento, familia"-"O ne moment, family" - when my host mom, Nancy, brought out two fresh packs of bamboo chopsticks for the family to use. Witnessing a group of Ecuadoria ns using chops sticks for the first time was intense. Rice spilled over and under plates and the table was well vandalized with food. My families' hungry mouths were eager to savor specks of rice from athe somewhat successful attempts to eat with two bamboo sticks. Frustrations eventually transcended into humor. And although fingers were tangled at the mercy of two wooden sticks, I was accepted into an Ecuadorian family.

Listening to my younger host brother called me his "chino hermano" or Chinese brother in Spanish, I couldn't believe that I had attempted to conceal my Chinese culture during my initial weeks in Ecuador(the second part of sentence is a bit long). I recalled my family dinners back home where my father insisted that my sisters and I should speak Chinese during our conversations to preserve our Chinese culture(LOL MY DAD TOO!! It's so annoying). "All ofY ou guys use English every second of your life. When is there an opportunity to use Chinese?" my dad impatiently said in Cantonese. The Chinese identity that my parents instilled in their American son could never vanish. I tried to destroy that;(<- remove semi-colon and replace with comma)endangering all of my parents' efforts, endangered . In Ecuador, I learned that my family loved me for who I was and not based on my appearance alone. My host family was once strangers to me, but they were willing to learn about my culture. Due to my uncertainty and self consciousness being Chinese American, I judged and assumed the views of those who I didn't know. That was my mistake. It was my embarrassment towards my culture that drove me to believe that I would not be welcomed in Ecuador. (This paragraph is a bit confusing. You went from hiding your Chinese culture to how your dad tries to preserve your culture, then back to how you opened up to the Ecuadorian family. You need more smooth transitions.)

I realize that it is impossible to be what I perceived as "American" because I was American all along(I'm a bit confused. Weren't you persuading me to believe that you were no longer ashamed of your Chinese roots?). Trying to hide my Chinese identity, I did not make myself more or less of an American. My human appearance may be different from how other Americans are portrayed on MTV, but I was American and I realize that people accepted me not based on where I came from, but who I am. My host family accepted my culture and my identity - pure to me just as it is to them. (What does the last part of this sentence mean?)

-----------------------

I thought you began this essay well but later on the transition of ideas became jumbled. The message in the conclusion is also a bit confusing, what were you trying to say?
cheetah777   
Jan 2, 2010
Undergraduate / Pomona Supplement - My Deformed Finger [5]

Yes I know that anthem is a song, I just liked it because it sounded more powerful than maxim. (I had motto before) I'll change it though, just to be safe. Thanks!
cheetah777   
Jan 3, 2010
Undergraduate / My respect for my ideneity in Quito, Ecuador- Common App [6]

No worries, I'm not that great with grammar myself...(I have to read over my essays like A MILLION times to look for mistakes :( )

Can I see the draft? Or did you submit it already?
Hope you get in the schools you want :)
cheetah777   
Jan 3, 2010
Undergraduate / "conservative Dutch city" - Columbia U. what is most appealing about CU &why. [3]

I have lived in a small, conservative Dutch city since my freshman year. Students in my high school grew up and attended the same schools together since kindergarten. Adults and teenagers are equally prejudiced and reject anything new or different. I remember my first trip to New York, how I stood in awe at the Times Square because it registered to me that I was standing at the center of the World. Columbia University is a historical, prestigious school where I can enjoy not only the first-class education, but also the harmony of diversity created by the merging of different cultures.

Okay, for the parts that I crossed out, I don't get why they have anything to do with what is appealing about Columbia. You need to relate these ideas to Columbia or leave them out together. Plus, you need to write more about the school itself, and not about your life and background.

Good luck.
cheetah777   
Jan 3, 2010
Undergraduate / the multifaceted education delivered, Columbia Short Answer (Why CU?) [5]

I am attracted to Columbia University due to theits multifaceted education delivered . Columbia caters impeccable resources to each of my many interests (give an example of these resources, and relate how this resource connects to your interests?. Home to a debate team ranked 22nd in the world and research labs which split the first uranium atom, each avenue of Columbia's efforts have yielded nothing but success (yes, but why do these aspects appeal to you? are you going to do research at the university or join the debate club? you should say you're interested in them if you are). Such educational quality in conjunction with a location in the heart of New York City provide limitless potential to any student. I yearn to pursue my passions both intellectually and physically and I can only do so in a city like New York and an institution like Columbia (why New York?).

I know it's hard to write so much in 600 characters, but it would be nice if you got down to the nitty gritty.
Good luck!
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