Posts by bilodeau54

bilodeau54

Jan 3, 2010

Undergraduate / Tufts Supp. Self identity and personal expression revision [6]

So here is a draft of what I was thinking about submitting for the question below. I'm not sure if it is good, but any recommendations on how to make it it better or if I should just start over would be greatly appreciated!!

Prompt: Self-identity and personal expression take many forms. For example, music, clothing, politics, extracurricular interests, and ethnicity can each be a defining attribute. Do you surf or tinker? Are you a vegetarian poet who loves Ayn Rand? Do you prefer YouTube or test tubes? Are you preppie or Goth? Use the richness of your life to give us insight: what voice will you add to the Class of 2014? (200 words)

I do not fit a stereotype. I like sports, but I am not a "jock." I play chess but I am not a "geek." And I am most definitely not a "prep." Instead I consider myself to be more of a renaissance man; I have a vast variety hobbies and talents that comprise my identity. I enjoy hip-hop dancing and rap music, but I can be found sitting at my ceramics wheel for hours at a time, listening to Beethoven. I go out most weekends, but come home and read before bed at night. I want to do good for humanity, but I am by no means Gandhi; whether it be a new pair of Nikes or a slice of strawberry cheesecake, I enjoy my guilty pleasures and never plan on giving them up. Although some have told me my interests conflict with each other, I do not feel this way. In contrast, I see these various endeavors as seizing the best of a variety of cultures in this world. I have chosen not to limit myself in my activities by being branded as a stereotype, and I believe it has made me a happier person. At Tufts, I look forward to further diversifying my interests as I meet individuals from all walks of life, and sharing what I already know with all who are interested.

PLEASE be honest! it will not make me even slightly sad to here "this is terrible" if you give advice on how to improve.

If you want help with one of yours, let me know in your response.

bilodeau54

Jan 3, 2010

Undergraduate / Tufts Supp. Self identity and personal expression revision [6]

Thanks for the suggestion, I agree that sentence was weak. And no problem on the BU one.

bilodeau54

Jan 3, 2010

Undergraduate / Tufts Supp. Self identity and personal expression revision [6]

Thanks people I have edited it up a bunch with your suggestions and it reads much clearer. First time using the website and it is amazing!! anyone wants something read let me know, glad to give back.

bilodeau54

Jan 3, 2010

Undergraduate / Having a dinner with three people (dead,fictional, alive) UVA essay [9]

Okay so sorry cant actually read your essay, busy
But this is wrong, should be people.

I chose Bill Gates because I believe he is one of the most influential and known person in the world.

bilodeau54

Jan 3, 2010

Undergraduate / My parents' involvement with volunteering; Tufts- let your life speak [11]

What I am looking For: Right now my essay is 290 words and they say on the app 200 words so I need to find spots to weed it down. Also, just read for content and the usual revisions. Not afraid to rework the whole essay if you think the structure is bad, so just let me know. More specifically, do I need a stronger hook and conclusion? suggestions on either greatly appreciated.

Prompt:
1. There is a Quaker saying: ''Let your life speak.'' Describe the environment in which you were raised--your family, home, neighborhood or community--and how it influenced the person you are today.

Essay:
My parents have always strongly believed in volunteer work. They not only verbalized this conviction, but displayed to my siblings and me the importance of such efforts through their actions. My mom has been extremely involved in the local school system since long before I was in kindergarten. She has positively affected the lives of thousands of kids, and many credit her for the new elementary school constructed in our town last year. My dad also volunteers, but he uses his career as a physician to do so. He has traveled to a multitude of third-world countries to provide medical care.

These actions inspired me to get involved whenever I heard about a cause I believed in. I organized my first fundraiser in third grade, and my sister and I ran a book drive in which we sold donated books. We raised over three hundred dollars, and from that point on the two of us never looked back in our efforts. We have run bake sales, ring sales, movie nights, Boston Harbor cruises, and dozens of other fundraisers together over the years. These efforts are both important and rewarding to me, and I look forward to continuing volunteer work for as long as I am able.

If you need help in an essay yourself say so in your comments and I will gladly take a look.

bilodeau54

Jan 3, 2010

Undergraduate / My parents' involvement with volunteering; Tufts- let your life speak [11]

Also, is there anywhere that I should elaborate further on what I am saying?

bilodeau54

Jan 3, 2010

Undergraduate / experience on a project which evoke passion for graphic design--Wisconsin essay [5]

Advice:

Change the opening. Maybe say,"my greatest attribute is courage." But you start with a strong negative statement about yourself right now.

Some unnecassary words (in my opinion)

In my first year of junior college curriculum, I have suffered a setback during the completion of the group Project Work. Our three initial proposals were successively denied. (also, explain what this group project work is)

I did not give up then . (sounds like you gave up later)

we could not afford to lose the opportunity as we would have much to learn in the process. (Poor wording)

none of us was a graphic designer. (us is plural, was is a singular)

I managed to master skills by myself within weeks. (skills is vague. Maybe add "the necessary" or something even more specific)

just as when I was sketching the tender gradient of an apple in an art class several years ago. This whole thing should either go or be explained as a seperate sentence... "I had taken art classes in the past" right now does not flow at all

has become part of my life afterwards. (I dont like the use of afterwards here.. not sure after what... maybe "I never would have suspected" or something)

Presbyterian Church, for example, for the poster (would rather something like "doing work such as...")

Besides , I participated in The Dustbin Painting (to me, besides is a contrasting word and should not be used here.

And again in the conlusion with the big negative statement about no talent. Makes you sound like you either lack confidence or ability, and neither will appeal to them. Sell yourself, and say that your courage will enhance the college campus in everythign you get involved in or something.

Overall: My comments might seem harsh, but you actual have good stuff here. One area that I thought could use some revision is where you list your achievements in your field (right before conclusion.) Your thesis seems to be on courage, but you really get away from it here. Could tell you were avoiding the list, but it came out as just kind of awkward. I would condense this down a great deal and try to tie it into courage more. "Thanks to my courage, I was not afraid to emerse myself ... I participate in List, but much shorter summaries. This led to these successes."

ALL MY IDEAS ARE JUST THOUGHTS> feel free to ignore if you like. You have the makings of a good essay here, just needs some tweaking in areas.( and you thought your essay was lengthy)

Okay now back to my apps :) IF ANNYONE GETS A CHANCE PLEASE READ MY TUFTS ONE!!!!

bilodeau54

Jan 3, 2010

Undergraduate / My parents' involvement with volunteering; Tufts- let your life speak [11]

Okay so this is due on the fourth and I am concerned about how it reads as of now. PLEASE HELP ME!! i will gladly edit any of your essays and do a good job.

bilodeau54

Jan 3, 2010

Scholarship / Blackbird by the Beatles -- the work of music that inspired me. 250 word essay. [2]

Couple of pointers

"among other things" VAGUE. I would just remove or put in a more specif bit here. "smaller social issues" or something.

thought I heard it address me directly: "Fryda, fly." I think you need another sentence here. I get you go for dramatic effect with the Yes, it was time bit but I would say how the music made you feel here. Can be quick but I think this paragraph would be much clearer.

my dad had left behind. I would add words to the end here to clarify "dad left behind" Way it reads now is like you are trying to over dramatic, but with specifics it really WOULD read as dramatic.

Opening and closing are ace!! ( plus its a great song)

If you get a chance to read my tufts one "let your life speek" i would appreciate it!

bilodeau54

Jan 3, 2010

Undergraduate / My parents' involvement with volunteering; Tufts- let your life speak [11]

ya that does help. Not sure what parts to take out though, anything in particular you would remove? Was thinking about a major rewrite and making all the parents accomplishments into like three sentences?

bilodeau54

Jan 4, 2010

Undergraduate / Boston University passion for drawing essay- Is it clear and focused enough? [7]

He is right you need to change it. Like "from drawing mountains." Would not be a correct sentence either. You could change to something like "I drew... and sketched..."

Your second paragraph is...bad. Good stuff in there but needs a topic sentence. Maybe something like, "I began to draw in high school, even when I was not in an art class, and my passion for art began to grow with my ability." Or something like that but better haha. And then shorten the example themselves and tie it into how your passion and ability grew. But something along these lines would be really useful in here.

bilodeau54

Jan 4, 2010

Undergraduate / Having a dinner with three people (dead,fictional, alive) UVA essay [9]

1 other thing I just thought you might want to consider.

You make a big deal that they dropped out of college at some points. I am not sure this is the best thing to stress in a college app? just a thought, but they might view this as a lack of interest in school and that you dont really need college or something.

I chose Bill Gates because I believe he is one of the most influential and known person in the world.

I chose Bill Gates because he is one of the most influential and known poeple in the world.

With the knowledge I gained from these people, I see myself becoming a greater inventor in the future because of how they have inspired me to never give up and to strive to be the best that I can.

Not a strong conclusion.
Potentialy: "I see myself becoming a great inventor in the future because of how these individuals have inspired me and taught me. I will never give up and will always strive to reach my full potential." okay so that wasn't very good either lol. But something else, because right now your clauses do not really fit together very well. I think gramatically it is because you say "with the knowledge i gained " and then go into the future tense. Might read better just as gain?

sorry that was not concise at all, but hope i helped some.

bilodeau54

Jan 4, 2010

Undergraduate / an East Asian Languages and Cultures major - writing an admissions essay! [3]

When you say you are an American, that is speaking in the present tense of who you are today.

Not sure what this means... consider rewording. Also, you go from "you" to "that" from first to second clause and it makes it awkward.

"To say, "I am American" indicates your current nationality." Idk maybe somethign clearer like that...

my family never celebrated much of our heritages backgrounds as much as I would have liked.

Wordy and again weird to read. "my family never celebrated our heritage as much as I would have liked."

Although I have a lack of culture in my life

Although I lack a cultural background... just a thought but saying you lack culture makes you seem bland, because anythign can be considered to have culture.. "sports culture" "hip-hop culture" and the like...

I now have a strong desire to experience and be apart of other cultures, and I am especially interested in Asian cultures such as Japan.

Poor sentence. you used culture twice, so it reads as repetitive and I would remove and I am and interested in..."especially Asain tradition" also.. isnt it a part not apart? not sure but check that..

MAJOR PROBLEM!!!!!
Read your essay from the point of "Although I have a lack of culture in my life" and count the times you say culture... it is actually ridiculous, and makes your essay terrible (sorry, but its true) you need to find a way to fix this, or you will, not get in. Just read it out loud to yourself and make sure you don't repeat anything too often (also used other in there at one point that bothered me.)

Your ideas are good here, and with just a couple of small tweaks you will have a solid essay, but you need to make those changes.

bilodeau54

Jan 4, 2010

Undergraduate / My parents' involvement with volunteering; Tufts- let your life speak [11]

So I have it down to this, but still looking for ways to cut down parts on the parents. Suggestinos for rewording/what EXACTLY to remove? cause I am really struggling with it.

bilodeau54

Jan 4, 2010

Undergraduate / "Are we alone?" supplement Revision [4]

Prompt: Are we alone (250-400 words) (mine is 412 as posted)

Just looking for revision help.

Extraterrestrial life has always captivated my imagination; "E.T." is among my favorite movies, and the battle between humans and aliens in my favorite video game, "Halo," has entertained me for years. I have spent a great deal of time pondering whether or not there is life elsewhere in the universe. As a result of this contemplation, I have come to the conclusion that we are almost certainly not alone, but in all probability we will never know for sure.

It is a miracle that I am alive. For Earth to have the properties that enable it to maintain life is highly improbable, and the odds of life developing and evolving into me, with the exact genes that I have today, seems near impossible. Despite this, we humans are proof that life is able to develop, evolve, and survive on planets. The Milky Way galaxy alone has more than 100 billion stars, and there are hundreds of billions of galaxies in the universe according to most estimations. Dr. Carl Sagan once said, "In the face of such overpowering numbers, what is the likelihood that only one ordinary star, the Sun, is accompanied by an inhabited planet? Why should we, tucked away in some forgotten corner of the Cosmos, be so fortunate? To me, it seems far more likely that the universe is brimming over with life." I could not agree more.

However, despite the likelihood of extraterrestrial life, humans may never be able to solve this debate. The only way to know definitively would be to discover life on another planet, but we have never even left our own solar system. Although some day I believe it will be possible, humanity is a long way from having the technologies to make our sci-fi movies come true and explore foreign stars and planets. Even then, the distances are so great that it will take hundreds of years to do so. And so I have come to accept that I will not see the type of intergalactic war portrayed in Orson Scott Card's Ender's Game, or get to watch Elliott ride off into the night as E.T. "phones home." Instead, I have altered my dreams. Now I contemplate how far science will be able to take us in exploring the galaxy that surrounds our Earth, and if one day, far into the future, humans will be part of an intergalactic community, and thus my childhood curiosity lives on.

Your help is appreciated and I would be glad to assist anyone that wants (say so in your post)

bilodeau54

Jan 4, 2010

Undergraduate / "three words are simply insufficient "- BU essay 3 words [3]

Yes lol, too "narcissistic." You can say the same thing in a way that does not come off as, "this is a stupid question" (even though i agree with you haha. Maybe just something along the lines off, "it was very difficult to encompass my entire personality into only three words. I have a great dael to offer BU, and I wished to express it all, but felt as though I was limiting myself by making such selections..." that actually turned out much better than I though, so feel free to use it haha.

Anyway, just an opinion so feel free to ignore.

Check out my "Are We alone" essay if you get a moment!!

bilodeau54

Jan 4, 2010

Undergraduate / biology department, Why Tufts? 50 words [5]

Tis solid, but not at all a fan of the opening two sentences. "coming to Tufts represents an amazing oppurtunity for me." IDK something like that might be better, but just personal taste, so maybe get a second opinion if you can.

Check out my optional "Are We alone one if you get a chance!!"

(Dont worry, applying as an engineer haha, but maybe we will party next year if we both get in) :)

bilodeau54

Jan 4, 2010

Undergraduate / My parents' involvement with volunteering; Tufts- let your life speak [11]

Thanks for the help people! This is 206 words now so it should be good, but if anyone has any further suggestions feel free to help!

bilodeau54

Jan 4, 2010

Undergraduate / biology department, Why Tufts? 50 words [5]

Haha i live in mass so i figured thats what you were going for but i think you can do something more with the space. Good luck

bilodeau54

Jan 4, 2010

Undergraduate / "Are we alone?" supplement Revision [4]

Okay so I have made a "final version" but still looking for a bit of help.

Okay so three things to look at, one in the last sentence of each paragraph.
Par.1 Should there be a coma before but?
Par.2 Should I delete or change the last sentence?
Par.3 I added the very last clause because I felt I did not do a good job concluding, but not sure if it works. Opinions?

And finally, the essay is supposed to be 250-400 words, and this as seen comes in at 405. Will they care?

And as a side note, anyone know how to delete the original post so it says "See Below?" New to the site
...

bilodeau54

Jan 4, 2010

Undergraduate / Common App: 17 Year Old Second Grader [4]

Wow best essay I have read on here (only joined this week, but still) the one sentence with the rather is wrong as pointed out above but this is the first one I have read that I really had no new suggestions for.

You are a really good writer and I would love for you to check out my "Are We Alone" essay if you get a chance!!

Good luck, and I'm sure you will get in!

bilodeau54

Jan 4, 2010

Undergraduate / MIT essay about a challenge faced in life..... Grammer correction needed! [4]

Suddenly my Mom jumps in the discussion,"

jumped. you used past tense before so you should stick with it.

of the day of my 10th grade result

I would just replave with a coma, but thats me. Then I would at grade back in after 12th, and I would make it The Indian Institute...

I was sad because I thought I will not be able to follow my dreams anymore.

Make this would, otherwise add comas and italics to show that these were your actually thoughts.

I used to look for holidays to escape to Mumbai.
I would change this to I used to look forward to holidays as an oppurtunity to escape to Mumbai" or something similar

After a couple of months I found that slowly my sadness was evaporating, and I started getting engaged in extra-curriculum activities.

I joined environmental club, I joined the teen club at local library, I also started volunteering at nearby temple and my grades also started going up.

I would change this to read:
I joined the environmental club, the teen club at local library, and started volunteering at a nearby temple. mM grades also started going up.

"Finally I realized" should be "Finally, I realized"

"to US by the end of the summer." change this to "the US"

Your last sentence was confusing and I am not really sure what you are saying with it.

Hope all my comments are not discouraging, because you have a very good topic here and you develop it well. I would really reconsider rewriting your last sentence because I am not sure what you were getting at, but I think with these small changes you will have a very good essay!