Undergraduate / "The process of tutoring Jennifer" - Tell us about a personal quality, experience.. [4]

I think your first paragraph would work well in 3rd person. Similar to your first sentence.

I think you have a really go topic to work with, something that definitely has potential for a great essay. That being said, it does need some work. In the last paragraph i think you need to write more about how it relates to the person you are and stay away from Jennifer, since it is a real opportunity to share with the reader about yourself, i think you should definitely take more advantage of it. I know you have already done so, but i think a little bit more about yourself wouldn't hurt. Also, try not to use I so much. It seems to be stopping your writing from flowing at the end.

Other than that i think you did a great job to create an emotional connection with the reader (something my teacher was talking about is very important) during the second paragraph.

Thanks for replying to my post by the way.

Good luck.

Undergraduate / "The process of tutoring Jennifer" - Tell us about a personal quality, experience.. [4]

I think the new draft sounds a lot better. You need to ask yourself if the reader learned something about you when reading the statement. Of course i could tell you but i think you need to try to figure it out yourself, that way you will have another chance to reflect upon your writing.

Other than that maybe try to add one one thing about yourself at end, I'm not sure what, but something that will help answer the question even more so that you already have, but don't become repetitive.

Undergraduate / Backpacking and how it helped me define myself- UC Prompt [10]

Thanks for the feedback, it is very much appreciated. I wasn't sure whether or not the beginning sentence was appropriate. Also, i think your suggestion for the end will really help o make my paper not sound too "fake" if you know what i mean.

Thanks again!

Undergraduate / Backpacking and how it helped me define myself- UC Prompt [10]

Ya, I know what you mean. Thanks again for the tips, and hopefully I'll be submitting another draft or another essay to the forum this weekend.

One more thing (if you happen to check the thread again), would you suggest splitting up the essay into at least 2 paragraphs just for ease of reading?

Undergraduate / Backpacking and how it helped me define myself- UC Prompt [10]

Thanks for clearing that up Kevin. I will be sure to add some paragraph breaks.

And to bemytthm, thanks for the suggestions, I'll see if i can work something like that into my paper, maybe not so exaggerated but similar. Hopefully it will have the same effect.

Undergraduate / "the memories of my childhood" - UC Personal; Describe the world you come from. [4]

I like the overall direction of the paper, but there are some things you need to change.


Your first sentence does need to be worded differently. It did make sense to me once i read it over, but take into account that the people reading these letters are going to have the time to read things over. It's good little intro, it just needs to be fashioned into something a little bit more easy to comprehend.

Also, you need to add to the ending of your essay. Talk about how the ocean has inspired you to protect what can't speak, or how you want to become a marine biologist and help save marine life from extinction. This is something you NEED to add, because without it you are definitely lacking an answer to the question.

Other than that there are a couple things that you will catch that need fixing once you proofread thoroughly EX:


When you write " I begin" it just sounds a little odd.

Another technique you should try at the end of your essay once you add your dreams and aspirations part is trying to tie everything back to the beginning. Meaning you should somehow mention the photographs in the end, this is something I've seen many good essays do.

Good Luck

Undergraduate / "the memories of my childhood" - UC Personal; Describe the world you come from. [4]

Hey, nice job on the changes.

I think your essay would benefit from maybe just one more sentence of how your love for the sea has shaped your dreams and aspirations.

Other than that, I really like your essay. Nice job on tying it back to the beginning on the ending sentence. I know it's pretty personal, but try to get your parents or your siblings to read it and get their feedback. The more people that read your paper the better.

Have Fun.

Undergraduate / "Unique, Journey and hardship" - the world I come from; UC Essay #1 [2]

Okay, it's very rough. Almost too rough to really read easily. However though, i do see some things you can work with. I'm liking the new kid in school thing, but try to stick to the prompt more. Go with the world you come from first and then how it has shaped your dreams and aspirations.

Also, when you start to talk about your dreams and aspirations, mention obesity and bad eating habits first, that way you can kind of give the reader a hint to what may come. The you can talk about what you want to study.


Unless you really like this line, I would take it out. It just seems kind of odd to respond literally directly to the prompt. This doesn't mean you have to take these words completely out of your essay, just out of that context. You can work them into your essay more effectively by answering the prompt.

For your intro i would maybe try to work in something about arriving in Miami after a long flight, something interesting that will entertain the reader but also relates to the world you come from; you feel?

One more thing, please work on your grammar. There are some very careless errors in there, it just makes you seem lazy when you don't fix them even it's just a first draft.

Good Luck

Undergraduate / "From Mexico to Los Angeles" - Where I come from UC Prompt #1 [4]

Thanks for the feedback, I really appreciate it. I will be sure to improve my essay. I think now that i hear it from somebody else, I see that I'm lagging it by not taking any interest so far in any majors. I'm quite the indecisive type, but i have a pretty decent idea of what i want to study. I'll be sure to incorporate the things that interest me into my essay, along with your other suggestions.

I must say though, over the past few weeks of being on the forum I have learned a lot about writing and have improved my own skills. Not just from the feedback I've received, but also from reading and replying to others' essays. The forum is just great place to be.

Once again, thanks.

Scholarship / "Does My Generation Have a Role in America's Future?" [3]

I like your intro. It has a nice way of flowing nicely when you describe one generation to the next.


I think you need a colon after "I would like to state this as of right now" and maybe eliminate near.

Before I begin, I would like to state that as of right now: We are America's future.

Other than that i there really isn't much to comment on. I think your fist sentence will work great for a speech. Try to write the rest of the speech/essay, that's really the only way you'll get some truly meaningful feedback.

Good Luck

Undergraduate / "Smiling Leader" - help on my essay, UC Personal Statement [5]

I think you're off to a great star on your essay. It sounds good and it answers the question well.


I don't think this sentence is necessary, you pretty much repeat yourself in the next sentence. Plus, the next sentence conveys what you are trying to say much more effectively and naturally.

In your ending paragraph, try to add your career interests. Say what you want to be a leader in. Try to relate this to a career interest. This is quite important in my opinion.

"My ambitions have always been strong, and I aspire to become a true leader as I continue to smile, make others smile, ultimately move on to college." Don't forget to add an "and" before ultimately.

Other than that, i think that's pretty much it. You could also try to tie the end back to beginning by somehow mentioning the photo collage in your last sentence.

Good Luck

Undergraduate / "The Value of Opportunity" USC Essay [9]

Thanks for the feedback. I really appreciate it. Also, do i still sound cliche in the second sentence of my third paragraph?

Undergraduate / "The Value of Opportunity" USC Essay [9]

Once again, thanks for the feedback. I've made some improvements(the ones you suggested mainly). If anybody wants to give it a go here is the new draft. Thanks again.

Undergraduate / "The Value of Opportunity" USC Essay [9]

Thanks for the responses, here is another draft. As you can see i took out the first part completely.

During the summer before ninth grade I took a remarkable trip. Sponsored by The First Tee, it was an all expense paid outing to Kansas where I would join about one hundred other junior golfers between the ages of thirteen and eighteen for a week to learn life skills and play golf. Before even applying for the golf camp there were several requirements I had to meet; including gathering two letters of recommendation and responding to several short essays. In the beginning I marveled at the promise of the trip, but as the day that replies were expected approached I began to cower. I do not know what made me all of the sudden get cold feet, but it was like something hovered over me that I just could not stop. Maybe it was that I would be away from home, or maybe I was just afraid of the unfamiliar, but I wasn't as thrilled for the trip as I was before. As my parents anxiously opened the letter with the return address clearly stating The First Tee, I secretly hoped it would say: Sorry, but you have not been chosen to participate in the program. I knew deep down that my parents wanted this for me because they knew it was a great opportunity, but I did not. It was a bittersweet moment when they opened the letter and proudly announced that I was to go on the trip.

In retrospect I think about what a fool I was for having such thoughts, but I guess that's just what I was back then; a naive kid with no real insight on what really mattered. Now I realize that the trip was one in a lifetime, one I will certainly remember until I am withered with age. I met kids my age from New Zealand and Singapore, played golf at Colbert Hills-a world class golf course- and even experienced hail in July! The first day I had orientation. From there on the next three days I played some practice rounds and got golf tips from the coaches there. The coaches also tried to sneak some life skills in there; that was important too. The fifth day I went to an amusements park where everybody had a great time and the tournament was held on the sixth day. I played well in the tournament; not good enough to place but I was happy with my score. The final day there was one last practice round and I said my goodbyes.

Like lightning, golden opportunities may not strike twice. The First Tee Golf Camp played a part in shaping the person I am today. Now I feel more comfortable being in unfamiliar places and taking risks. If I hadn't taken that trip I certainly would not have been able to handle switching schools after ninth grade. My dad always tells me that when I get older I should travel as much as I can and invest. He always talks about all the marvelous places he's visited and all the chances he had to invest in money making opportunities. If he would have taken the chance more than once, there's a good chance it would have paid off. As they say in the movies: "You only regret the stuff you didn't do". Although one shouldn't always believe what is in movies, that statement does hold some validity. I think I'm ready to take a leap, although I may not always strike pay dirt, I'm sure in the long run it will be worth it.

Undergraduate / "The Value of Opportunity" USC Essay [9]

Thanks for catching that!

Undergraduate / Backpacking and how it helped me define myself- UC Prompt [10]

Which ending should i choose? Thanks for the feedback!

UC Prompt 2- Tell us about a personal quality, talent, accomplishment, contribution or experience that is important to you. What about this quality or accomplishment makes you proud and how does it relate to the person you are?

Lush valleys gave way to stunning mountain peaks. Mosquitoes so thick in the river valleys that repellent was futile. Creeks were born from the crystal clear waters of Duck and Purple Lakes. Rock passes tested not only wills but also imaginations. Last summer I went on my first backpacking trip with my dad and brother. Our destination was the Sierras. Before even going on the trip, I didn't think much of the physical aspect, considering I surf, snowboard, play golf and love the outdoors. I could not have been more wrong. Even though we were only going on a four-day trip, my father's friend, who is an avid backpacker, mapped our journey to about thirty-two miles; he thought we were going for twelve days.

The first two days we traveled seven miles a piece, carrying forty-pound packs plus water, heavy leather boots and high expectations. The third day we camped at Beetle Bug Lake to fish for rainbow trout. It was the fourth day that really tested us. We rose early, six am give or take. As my dad started to boil water for oatmeal, my brother and I started packing up the tent and sleeping bags. By seven am we were off. The first three miles went quickly; they were mostly downhill and we covered the distance in less than two hours. By noon we had made amazing time; just five hours into the day and we were already past the Ivy Bells Hot Springs.

It was two o'clock and spirits were high. Having already stopped for lunch, it was time to tackle the last eight of the eighteen miles to arrive at Reds Meadow. From the map it seemed that we just had one steep mile, and from there gradual terrain. We should have bought a better map. The steep mile was there, and it took us over an hour to cover it, but instead of being mostly flat, the remaining seven miles were pretty much all uphill. It was five o'clock and we were tiring, so much that we all decided on taking a nap. Once recharged, we were back at it. But it wasn't like the morning; we were no longer taking pictures of all the scenery, but just thinking about getting to Reds Meadow. Sundown was approaching, and the temperature was dropping. As we were starting to get out the flashlights, we ran into half a dozen deer. I think they weren't expecting us since many people do not hike past sundown, because as the sun drops new dangers may arise. The deer's charming nature distracted us from our exhaustion, and in an hour's time we made it. Sore, beaten and blistered we arrived at Reds Meadow.

Ending 1:
When I think about the deer we saw at dusk, it's as if a bright light were shining upon them. In the darkest part of the evening those deer brought a moment of illumination. Most days those deer probably go unnoticed, but that evening I embraced their presence. Whether they are in the woods or at school, I know this journey will push me to seek new adventures.

Ending 2:
It was a great accomplishment to hike all that distance, but I also gained something else from the trip. I realize that nature is our natural element, one we most certainly feel at peace in. Even during the times when I was exhausted, the wood's serenity didn't allow for much anger or frustration. Nature also gave me place to bond with my dad and brother, something I will no longer take for granted. When I think back to those lush valleys and stunning mountain peaks, I will also remember what they taught me, for it was what I learned that gave the journey true worth.