Posts by changeurfeet

changeurfeet

Feb 17, 2011

Writing Feedback / Whom in your country would you choose to build a statue for? [3]

Hi,
I really enjoyed your essay, there are some grammatical errors that I saw. This sentence is a run-on. Thus, if I am asked to choose a person on behalf of our city, there is no doubt that I will choose Chen Shu-chu as a rightly candidate because she is good-hearted, modest and never surrender to her life . It could be eaisly split into two sentences. "Thus, if I am asked to choose a person on behalf of our city, there is no doubt that I will choose Chen Shu-chu. She is good-hearted, modest and never surrendered to her life."

The next thing I would do is the opening sentence of the second paragraph remind your readers that Time is a magazine. "She was selected by Time magazine to be featured as one of their 100 Heroes."

I would make these two sentences into one sentence Being a vegetable vendor in a market, it is unlikely to have enough money to lead a decent life. However, she generously gave all the money. it could read "A vegetable vendor in a market is unlikely to have enough money to leas a decent life, however, she generously gave away all her money." Then you general do not want to start a sentence with the word "because" it is a conjunction and belongs in the middle of a sentence.

The third paragraphs opening sentence and closing sentence needs to be reworded. The closing statement is clunky "had done have" is redundant.

changeurfeet

Feb 17, 2011

Writing Feedback / Daydreaming Experience Paper [4]

I wouldn't open the Essay with "Sometimes" also do not use conjunctions. I would make it "When we are alone." The second sentence is cluttered, to make it flow better i would choose either know or call. For example it could read "This is commonly called indulging in a daydream." The final sentence in the first paragraph needs a lot of work. First you want to use specific, concrete language so be more specific than "stuff," "Things" and "plenty more things." Secondly I would shorten up your list to three or four things. Thirdly be conscious of your usage of different tense.

In the second paragraph I would eliminate, Admit or not, and begin with "We have all experienced." the first sentence is a run-on and should be split into two sentences. in the fourth sentence "the most to come" doesn't make sense i would either eliminate it or change it. In the final sentence it should be "that awaits me" rather than "it awaits me." Delete "and the likes" end the sentece with makes me nervous.

The third paragraph is fine. In the opening sentence of the fourth paragraph I would put a comma after strive and delete the word more. Delete the word like in the second sentence.

changeurfeet

Feb 17, 2011

Writing Feedback / Essay about the E-learning according to teachers - feedback [8]

Well to shorten an essay I would start chopping away at any unnecessary words to make the paper more concise. For instance you can open the paper with "E-learning is strongly spreading in the USA." The next thing is you can eliminate "most of the time" the sentence then would read "It is well known fact that most teachers disapprove of E-learning." Your final sentence seems redundant I would eliminate it if you are trying to get your word count down. Take "First and foremost" out. It seems throughout the paper you use E-learning as a verb rather than a noun. It should be referred to as "e-learning" instead of "the E-learning" . Take out the word "Besides" and "In addition the." Delete the parenthesis and the things in them. Delete "in a nutshell" I hope that helps.

changeurfeet

Feb 17, 2011

Undergraduate / "My grandfather taught me a lot about the world" - Peace Corps Application Essays [4]

Hi, I really enjoyed your essay and thought it was well written. Here are a few suggestions. In the sentence "The peace corps I believe has the same philosophy as me, to never accept the status quo but to change it!" I would first off make sure you always keep Peace Corps capitalized secondly I would not end the sentence with an exclamation mark. My other big suggestion is to take an expectation and explain how you will have a difficult time overcoming it. It will add a more human element to your essay. Finally, I would take out the statement "I am Madison Rockwell Hanks." They know who you are you had to fill out a really long application and this statement does not add anything to your essay. I hope you found this helpful. If you could give me some feedback on my Peace Corps Essay, I would appreciate it.

changeurfeet

Feb 17, 2011

Writing Feedback / Essay about the E-learning according to teachers - feedback [8]

Yeah you can just put "e-learning." In longer essays linking statements are important, but when they are not necessary like in this essay you can do away with them. Also when they are forced they ruin the papers flow.

changeurfeet

Feb 17, 2011

Scholarship / "Tell us why you apply for URA scholarship" (Urban Redevelopment Authority) [4]

Hi, I really enjoyed your essay, here are a few suggestions.

Handpicked to represent the programme's debut for the school's Open House, the heavy burden of detailing an experimental programme to the public and schoolmates fell on our shoulders

I would go into more detail here of what you had to do in the detailing and the presentation. You mention later in your essay it was this process that makes you want to be a part of planning and development. As a reader then I would like to know what about this process you really enjoyed.

I would include more in your final paragraph and try to tie back in with when you were a small child. The ending of your essay makes it sound like the recent developments the URA are the only reasons why you want to apply for the scholarship. I, too, want to be part of the force enacting the changes for the benefits of Singapore's residents, thus comes my decision to apply for the prestigious URA scholarship.

You might want to change this to say something to the extend of "Since I was a small child playing with toy bricks I wanted to be part of a force that enacts changes to benefit the residents of Singapore and that is why I am applying for this scholarship."

I hope that helps

changeurfeet

Feb 17, 2011

Research Papers / Anabolic Steroids research - am I on the right path? [3]

Hi hkaye,
My biggest advice for you going forward is to have a clear goal in mind of what you want to argue. You need to develop a strong thesis statement. After reading through your paper you have good points here and I understand that you are arguing against steroids. At the end of your first paragraph you need to make a statement like "people should not use anabolic steroids becuase it harms their, X and Y." You might want to look into the legality of steroids and how that affects usage. Another area you could look into is the demographics of steroid users. I hope this helped.

changeurfeet

Feb 17, 2011

Dissertations / PhD topic in American studies / Literature criticism [8]

Hi Kanjo,
Have you tried "The effects of Richard Wright's novels on Desegregation in the South"

changeurfeet

Feb 20, 2011

Undergraduate / "Put my college degree good use by helping people" why I want to join the Peace Corps [2]

Hi, I am looking for feedback on my essay to help me get into the Peace Corps. The prompt is below followed by the essay. Thanks for the help in advance.

* Your reasons for wanting to serve as a Peace Corps Volunteer; and
* How these reasons are related to your past experiences and life goals.
* How you expect to satisfy the Peace Corps 10 Core Expectations (please be specific about which expectations you expect to find most challenging and how you plan to overcome these challenges).

I want to serve in the Peace Corps because I believe it would be a good way to put my college degree good use by helping people. Throughout my life I have been taught to help those who are in need. At Loyola Marymount University they challenged their student body to live a life for others. As a recent graduate I want to take up this charge and serve people. The Peace Corps offers a completely unique experience of immersion into a different world while at the same time promoting service I feel the Peace Corps also offers a life changing opportunity to learn about a foreign community and oneself. The experience of serving in the developing world will allow me to see new places, learn another language and to gain leadership experience. These skills will be helpful in my life as I move forward and try to secure either further education or a position in the business world.

Through previous experiences I feel that I will have no problem fulfilling the Peace Corps expectations. By being open to new situations, willing to learn, and understanding that patients is a virtue will help me integrate into my host community as well as adapt skills to improve the quality of life of those around me. I realize that by being accepted into my host community that I become a representative of them, that I should uphold their laws, and that I should represent them with pride. Wherever the Peace Corps request me to go, I will gladly go. I recognize that I am responsible for my conduct and that I am representative of the United States therefore I should conduct myself to the highest standard of ethics. I understand the well being of myself and those around me are a top priority and good judgment should always be used to not jeopardize them. Finally, the most difficult expectation to meet will be preparing to serve for 27 months. I feel that it is a long time to be away, however, I have been away for long periods of time before and understand that it is important to the experience to be away for that length of time.

The Peace Corps offers a meaningful experience that will change the lives of people and my own. If given the opportunity I would love to serve in the Peace Corps. By being a volunteer I hope to make the world a better place.

changeurfeet

Feb 20, 2011

Undergraduate / Adjusting to Foreign Environment (Peace Corps) [2]

Hi, this is the second essay needed for the Peace Corps. Right now I feel this essay is pretty week if anyone has suggestions on how to make it more memorable I would appreciate it. Thanks for the help.

Experience on Study Abroad in London

My junior year of college I was fortunate enough to study aboard in London. While there I had an opportunity to intern at the Brunel Museum, I worked as their Assistant Curator. This offered me a unique experience to get to know another culture. I was depended on daily to open the museum, greet guests, answer phones, and manage the gift shop. The museum's Curator also assigned me two special tasks. The first was to become an integral part in helping plan and prepare for the museum's annual fundraising event the other was to conduct archival research to help the museum. There were many challenges that I faced in my day to day dealings with the museum. The biggest difficulty was the different dialects of English. There were many times in which the people I was dealing with had trouble understanding me. This manifested itself in the planning of the fundraising event. A volunteer and I were asked to clean up the museum and set up a presentation. While working on the presentation we often had to ask each other repeat what had just been said and to slow down while speaking. Another challenge I had to deal with was fitting in with my co-workers. I was one of the youngest volunteer working at museum and the only American. To find common ground with my co-workers I asked them questioned about London and try to keep up with the current events around the city. I found that by talking to them about the city and about their interests I managed to assimilate myself. In London I used the Underground to commute to and from work. Commuting on public transportation had its own set of pros and cons. It was nice to not have to worry about driving and I also was able to get a lot reading done during my half and hour commutes. Yet not being in control of my arrival time at work caused problems sometimes. This meant I had to develop a comfort level of communication with my co-workers and supervisor. If I realized that I was not going to be on time I had to be able to communicate this fact so the museum could function on a normal schedule. Through my study aboard experience I learned how to be patient, flexible, and willing how to learn to adjust to new challenges. I feel this experience will be key in being successful in the Peace Corps.