Undergraduate / Evaluate a significant experience and its impact on you- China Earthquakes [5]

Hi. I just stumbled upon this site and registered like 5 minutes ago. I figured I'd give it a shot. Here's what I have so far for my common app. essay. The topic is:

Common App. Topic 1~ Evaluate a significant experience and its impact on you

Can you guys help me out with editing?
One general problem about this essay i already know is that it doesn't reveal enough about me as a person. I'd appreciate advice on fixing that, too.

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The devastating earthquakes that hit Sichuan, China this year caught the world off guard. One could only imagine the trauma inflicted upon those in China at the time. That is, one could only imagine it if they were not there. I don't need to imagine. I can remember the phone calls from concerned parents and teachers. I can remember hearing my Chinese family crying over phone.

When I found out I was chosen to represent my school and country in the Brookline High School China Exchange, I was ecstatic. It had been my dream to be accepted to the four month exchange since the 6th grade, when the first group to go came to my class with pictures and stories. The group went during the SARS scare, and had to return from their trip early because of concerned parents and supervisors; however the close friendship they shared and the undeniable sense of adventure of it all drew me in.

Three months into the trip, the GaoXin #1 High School gave us a week off to go see more of China. Our group, which consisted of eight students and a teacher, narrowed our vacation choices to a Sichuan trip consisting of cave excavations versus a trip to Guilin to see mountains and visit rural villages. By some divine luck, Sichuan was outvoted and the group began to plan our Guilin trip.

May 12, 2008- it was a sunny day, and we were drifting down a lucid river surrounded by beautiful mountains that none of us had seen the likes of outside movie theaters. Nothing could have prepared us for the phone calls we would soon be getting. Being on a boat we hadn't felt the magnitude 8 earthquake that hit Sichuan earlier in the day. The first call was from my parents, who were able to figure out which hotel we were in (as well as call an Israeli Search and Rescue team) before others had the chance. When Mr. Mallory, the teacher chaperoning the trip, made clear he didn't know what they were talking about, they tried to calm down and explain what had happened. We were all shocked. One of the students found an online news report about the earthquake, and we took turns calling our host families to make sure everything was okay. In the midst of the confusion, I can still remember Chen Lao Shi, my Chinese teacher, calling me- crying. She couldn't find her parents, nor could she get a hold of her two dearest friends. Not knowing who to call, she turned to me for comfort.

Our exchange trip would be coming to an end soon, however the end was full of rushed goodbyes and worrying about aftershocks. It was in the two days between our return from Guilin and the end of our trip that I bonded with my Chinese friends and family most. There was constant fear for our lives as thousands of people camped in outdoor parks, while firetrucks and ambulances were kept idle on the streets, ready to be called to duty. It was during these last few moments that my family and I found time to sit on a rug and chat. We talked about each other, ourselves, the future, and how much we would miss each other. This was the only time that my Chinese family and I ever talked so freely and comfortably.

For the last moments they gave me, and because of the different outlook on life I experienced due to them, I appreciate the series of earthquakes of May 2008. My Chinese teacher found her friends and family. The aftershocks became weaker and less frequent, and everyone that had helped each other through this life changing event had developed a relationship that was undeniably one of the strongest kinds of connections we would have in our lifetimes.

The End.
I appreciate the feedback

Undergraduate / Parkour, Short Answer- 150 Words> [13]

So this is my first draft of the personal statement for the common app (about an extracurricular). I have two specific questions. The first about the length; it's too long, what can i do to shorten it to 150 words?

the second is about vocabulary. Not many people know about the Parkour (it's a sport, and the subject of my P.S.) Practitioners of Parkour are called Tracuers. Do i need to explain this in the P.S, or is it okay using vocabulary that the admissions officers probably won't know?

Otherwise, any general feedback about the statement would also be greatly appreciated.
Thanks guys!
Jonathan Flash

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PERSONAL STATEMENT:
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Parkour is a physical discipline inspired by human movement, focusing on fast, efficient forward motion over, under, and around obstacles in one's environment. I first got into the sport in 9th grade, and started training routinely the next year. At the time, parkour was not a well-known sport in Brookline. However, by encouraging my friends to train with me and later post flyers and make websites to promote our group, we helped spread awareness of the sport.

Now, my friends and I train with the New England team. The Brookline parkour community has gone from one member to almost thirty, and there's nothing I enjoy more than seeing one of the newcomers master a dexterous technique. I teach members and plan meetings for all of Brookline's parkour participants, and take pride in how I am viewed by other practitioners of the sport.

Faq, Help / Question about starting topics, how to upload, attach a PDF file? [5]

Hello Essayforum mods/ members!
I have a quick question; I wrote up an activities list to attach to my common app, and converted it into a PDF so it would take up less memory and be easily readable.

After finishing the document, my next planned step was to get essayforum feedback, which is where my question is coming from: is there a way for me to upload a document into an essayforum thread? If not, how else would you suggest I distribute the document to get feedback on it?

Much Obliged,
Jonathan Flash

Faq, Help / How do I delete a thread? [40]

I mean the title pretty much sums it up, i guess i'll just say thank you and write my name in this box...

Thanks,
Jonathan Flash

Undergraduate / 'International student body for research' - Help with a Columbia U short answer [6]

Hello essayforum mods! Can you help me out with this part of the Columbia U app? My answer is 780 characters, with spaces, and that number needs to be less than or equal to 600. Can you guys tell me what i can shave or how so i can bring down the character count? Any other general feedback on my answer would also be appreciated. This is a first draft. Thanks in advance guys!

The question is:
Please tell us what you find most appealing about Columbia and why

My current answer is:

In sculpting our college lists, students research everything a college has to offer before deciding to apply. On top of satisfying my every whim and desire, and the fact that I can see myself "fit" in the campus, Columbia University has captured the very essence of my passion to learn. There in the mission statement, the fuel of my academic career is portrayed in a simple sentence: "It seeks to...support research...on global issues and to create...relationships with many countries" If only I could be around those who truly want advance the statement's reality, I am sure I could dominate both tasks.

SO...now that that's over and done with. What do you think of it overall? Are there any grammatical mistakes? did I cut out the right pieces? is it okay for me to butcher their mission statement like that?

HAHA! I DID IT! It took about an hour more than it should have but I got it under 600 characters! rolling in at just 599 character is...my new draft!

Undergraduate / Common App Essay - General Feedback "My first intuition with this essay..." [3]

I'm posting this essay for a friend who can't get online for a while. She's just looking for some general feedback on her common app essay/ any help with grammar if there are mistakes. Thanks guys!

My first intention with this essay was to write about my mom, a woman who has no doubt influenced me beyond my capability of explaining or understanding fully myself. I was going to focus on how just a week before my junior year was to begin, my life crumbled before my eyes, taking an unexpected turn for the worse when she abandoned me. Then I realized I have spent the last twelve months of my life trying to cope with this abandonment, from a woman who I called a best friend for 16 years, a mentor, and most important of all, my mom, because it is vital to understand she is not just the woman who left me, she is the woman who brought me up, taught me values and lessons I will hold with me for the rest of my life. I allowed the abandonment to effect my grades and my emotions, to tear me down and make me hate myself and feel unwanted and unloved. I was unable for the past year to forget about that night a year ago when six police officers surrounded her, as she furiously screamed to the entire neighborhood "Get her the out of my house!"

These mere seven words slowly seep every detail of that late summer evening back into my world. I once again relive the cold silence of the night, remembering how it had been shattered by the ear-piercing sirens from the police cars, heard a mile away racing to my house; racing to the disaster that the night had turned into, and to the broken shards of my life. The blue flashes sped down the street, towards me, as if they could help, as if they could salvage what was left of this mess. The mess, the chaos and confusion which began February of 2007 when my mother found herself a new man, never a good thing as her constant poor taste and decisions, effected mostly the men who she chose to be with, all of whom harbored an untold volatile rage, a hate, often exploding in mere seconds, spewing venomous words at me, or swinging their fists around hoping to catch one of my brothers. And all came to a close the night of August 27th, 2007 when I moved out of her home, out of what was once my home.

This night has replayed over in my head dozens of times, through the past twelve months, as I am trying to understand, to rationalize the events of why a woman, a mother of five children, would suddenly abandon her children, her own blood. In retrospect, I think she was deserting us all along, a little more each day, all of our lives wondering what she missed or what could have been. I' ve spent countless hours and days grieving over what felt like the loss of my mother, still trying to grasp or take hold at any explanation possible. It is only recently that I've come to see what I have been to clouded to truly understand. I allowed myself to forget all of the good that I DO have in my life: the ones who do love me, and have helped me through this past year, bringing me out of it nearly unscathed. It is with this almost epiphany that I realize, it is what I do with my life matters, not what someone else does in it. It is not who we are that defines us, it is what we do. I am not the girl who was abandoned by her mother. I am the girl who overcame adversity and hardship because she saw something better in her life, for herself. I saw what I am capable of and will ultimately be a better person because of what happened with my mom. She has influenced me in an inexplicable fashion, but from that I take a lifetime of wisdom. College is my chance, to further expand that wisdom, to prove that it is what we do that makes us who we are, not the other way around.

Undergraduate / 1st draft common app esay: Sichuan Earthquakes [6]

Hey essayforum guys and gals, can you help me out with this essay for the common app? The topic is "Evaluate a significant experience, achievement, risk you have taken, or ethical dilemma you have faced and its impact on you." I realize it needs work; it's a first draft. I'd appreciate any general feedback a lot, but another thing I need to figure out how to do is shorten it, as it's a bit too long. Please let me know what you think; if this isn't good I'm willing to go back to the drawing board for a different essay.

Thanks again and in advance for feedback!
~Jonathan Flash

The devastating earthquake that hit Sichuan, China this year caught the world off guard. From across the globe, one could only try to imagine the damage it inflicted on friendships and families. But I don't need to imagine. I can remember what it was like worrying about your family, and knowing that they were worried about you. I can remember the strain of being separated from your best friends, and I can remember how it all changed every aspect about my exchange in China.

May 12, 2008- It was a sunny day in Guilin, about 600 miles southeast of Sichuan. The other seven American exchange students and I were floating along the lucid Li river in a tour-boat, enjoying our vacation from Chinese high school life by marveling carelessly at the beautiful mountain ranges on the banks of the river and soaking in the sun. Nothing could have prepared us for the ensuing events that would change our lives; being on a boat, we hadn't felt the magnitude 8 earthquake or its reverberations, which could be felt from as far as 1,100 miles away.

The first phone call we got was from my parents, who managed to figure out the phone number of the hotel the BHS China exchange group were staying in (as well as call an Israeli Search & Rescue team to find me) before anyone else. After we made it clear we were safe and had no idea anything as destructive as the earthquake ever took place, my parents elaborated, leaving the group in shock. One of my classmates pulled up a news article online about the earthquake as the rest of the group called their host families to make sure everything was alright. I can still remember the sound of Chen Lao Shi, my Chinese teacher, calling me crying. She couldn't find her parents, nor could she get a hold of her two dearest friends. Not knowing who to call, she turned to me for comfort. It touched my deeply that she trusted me enough as a companion to seek reassurance and relief from me in her time of despair.

The exchange program would soon be coming to an end, and upon our return to Gao Xin #1 High school in Xi'an, nothing seemed quite the same. Everyone was changed by their experiences; everyone had a story to tell, each one more frightening than the last. Aftershocks became a frequent occurrence; hundreds upon hundreds of people camped outside in local parks as ambulances and fire trucks were kept idle on the streets, ready to be called to duty. It was during these last few moments that my family and I found time to sit on a rug and chat. We talked about ourselves, the future, and how much we would miss each other. This was the only time that my Chinese family and I ever talked so freely and comfortably.

Owing to the experience that my Chinese friends and family went through, and through the way I experienced the earthquake through them, I came to a deeper understanding of what it means to be socially empathetic, and the underlying importance of being a trustworthy and approachable person. After the earthquake, it seemed like friends became closer, but at the same time each group of friends intertwined until it was as if the entire city of Xi'an were a large circle of friends, helping each other for no more reason than a friend needs to do you a favor. I realized that those who weren't as open to others in this time found themselves loneliest most often, but more prominently, that if people hadn't been as socially active before the earthquake, they wouldn't have as much help, kindness, or respect shown to them in the community formed by those affected by the earthquake. I took my conversations with my friends, my Chinese family, and Chen Lao Shi during the earthquake to heart, understanding that I wouldn't have been able to connect to these people as deeply if I weren't as trusting and friendly to them as they had been to me.

I may one day forget about this earthquake, and I may forget the conversations I've had with my friends and family in china, but I am certain to the utmost degree that I will never forget the importance of empathy and the benefits of open relationships with others. I will continue to be a friend to anyone I meet, and I will continue to help those I can without the slightest hesitation, for no more reason than a friend would need to do you a favor.

Undergraduate / NYU short answer, 4 prompts; 'My father has a big nose, and I got it from him' [2]

Hello. There are four short answers, each with a max of 500 characters, for the NYU app. Could you guys please look these over for grammatical mistakes, let me know about the appropriateness of my response, as well as help me shorten the ones that are too long? I've included the prompt above each answer, as well as the character count. Character counts above 500 need to be shaved down.

Thanks in advance. I appreciate your feedback!

Prompt: Describe a trait or characteristic that has been passed along to you by your family. Tell us why you like or dislike this aspect of yourself.

My character count: 511
My father has a big nose, and I got it from him. The bump on the bridge of one's nose has come to be called a "Jew bump" by younger kids of Brookline, which is a very Jewish community. As a kid I was self-conscious of my big nose, but now I laugh it off, and I would not have it any other way. Wearing a Star of David around my neck, it is pretty obvious I am a Jew, but if someone does inquire, I will always laugh and turn my head to show them my profile, saying "Can you not tell just by looking at my nose?"

Prompt: New York City is an essential element of academic and cultural life at NYU. If you could engage in an activity or start a club or service organization at NYU, what would it be and how would you envision it impacting the larger community?

My character count: 578
I have always envisioned myself doing research in college. I realize that researchers can study a single thing for tens of years before coming to any sort of conclusion, but science is my passion, and to help a researcher is the ultimate application. I feel that all the years I have studied biology and chemistry were to prepare me to go out and discover something that would change the world. I have read about countless research libraries and laboratories all in the heart of New York City, and am anxious to see a new page added to the textbooks after I publish my findings.

Prompt: You have been selected to sing in a talent show. What song would you choose? Why?
My Character count: 455
I never knew much about music, and I don't keep up with what happened to which pop star or who just released a new album, so I don't know many songs, but if I were selected to sing in a talent show I would choose to sing Avenue Q's "What do you do with a B.A. in English?" After seeing Avenue Q on Broadway, I became addicted to their songs and almost had some memorized. I enjoy making people laugh, and I think comedy is the best form of entertainment.

Prompt: Please tell us what led you to select your anticipated academic program and/or NYU school/college, and what interests you most about your intended discipline.

My Character count: 380
Science is my passion. Though I aspire to be a dentist, I plan to try to do microbiological research on the side, using either grants or a university research salary to furnish my lab with equipment and tools. I chose to apply for admission to the College of Arts and Sciences solely to be able to pursue a biology major and to have as many science courses open to me as possible.

Thanks again for the feedback!
~Jonathan Flash

Undergraduate / Cornell CAS- 1st draft. 'The great thing about magic' [10]

Hey essayforum mods. Happy new years eve! I'd appreciate you looking over this essay for cornell I wrote. The prompt is "Describe your intellectual interests, their evolution, and what makes them exciting to you. Tell us how you will utilize the academic programs in the College of Arts and Sciences to further explore your interests, intended major, or field of study."

I know it's been a busy week with all the essays to edit, so thanks in advance. Here's mine:

The great thing about magic is that it is always as much fun for the magician as it is for the audience. I love performing magic tricks for friends, family, and newly made acquaintances, because I can incessantly amuse and impress them with just a deck of cards or a coin. The most exciting part of a trick is learning how it works and how to execute it correctly. There is an "aha" moment for me when all of the slight of hand practice I have done and each of the false shuffles I learned come together into the trick, and I think to myself, "Wow. So that's how it works."

I have a strikingly similar experience when I learn about science. When the magic of muscle movement in animals or the strange behavior of superfluids is explained by a teacher or textbook, my resulting amazement is more enthusiastic than it get even after figuring out the most complex card trick. The way the world works truly amazes me. In the same way that a magician uses familiar techniques to invent new tricks, I enjoy using inference to learn things for myself and tie ideas from different sciences together to reveal their connection in the real world. For example, after learning about an electron's probability waves and explaining it to the teacher supervising my quantum mechanics independent study, I was learning about photosynthesis and electron transport chains in AP Biology. When my teacher explained that chloroplasts may be the most energy efficient things in the world, I immediately made the connection that this was the case because the electrons were moving through the single most efficient pathways as a result of the way they travel as both particles and waves.

My interest in figuring out the inner workings of the world leads me to take interest in the science of how things work. If information is not available, I do not give up looking for it, but rather make it available. When I wanted to learn about quantum mechanics, a subject not offered in Brookline High School, I took initiative by myself to find a teacher to supervise my study, set up a curriculum, assign projects, and to find a textbook for my class. I now meet with the head of my high school's science department every week and explain new aspects of quantum theories and applications to him. We do projects, run experiments, and attempt applied calculations for every phenomenon that interests us.

Though I aspire to be a dentist, I plan to try to do microbiological research on the side, using either grants or a university research salary to furnish my lab with equipment and tools. I choose to apply for admission to the College of Arts and Sciences solely to be able to pursue a biology major and to have as many science courses open to me as possible.