Undergraduate / 'I am from South Korea' - RICE UNIVERSITY-PERSPECTIVE ESSAY [2]

Hello Yoo-Won. This was a pleasant read, but allow me to make a few minor suggestions:

1) Your topic sentence is unclear. Perhaps, you should modify it to something along the lines of the following: "My name is Yoo-Won Kim, and I hail from South Korea". This is much clearer and bolder. Generally, I find topic sentences that are forthright to be the most effective. Furthermore, South Korea is a well-known country. You do not want to sound naive by writing that it is 'invisible'. Tiny, it may be.

2) You have small grammatical errors. This is acceptable because you are bilingual, but I find that it would be even more impressive if you wrote an essay with perfect grammar. Grammar is generally quite easy to fix. For instance, "He endlessly challenged himself by self-educating himself new things every day." Because you are speaking about your father, it is unnecessary to mention that he is "self-educating himself". Self-education is generally applied to one's self. Thus, it would be more effective if you wrote "A typical Korean, my father is one of the most hard-working people I know. His day begins at four in the morning during which he recites everything that he had learned in the previous day for two hours straight. Afterwards, he prepares for his work day and leaves for work; he only returns at ten in the evening. My father endlessly challenges himself by attempting to learn new things every day."

3) Your three paragraphs don't have much connection to one another. I would suggest focusing on one thing-- for instance, your spelling competition. This could tie in nicely with your theory that Koreans are hard-working. This would also highlight your academic abilities.

4) Lastly, your first paragraph needs to be more clear. I would suggest lengthening it and adding personal touches. The AO care about you (however cheesy this may sound). They would rather learn about personal aspects, rather than what the world sees Koreans as.

Overall, you have written a good essay. With a few minor adjustments, you will be well on your way to having an extremely strong application.

Good luck.

Undergraduate / Volunteering at a Retirement Home and How it Has Helped Me Grow [6]

He laid waiting.

He lay waiting.

Overall, you have a nice flowing essay. However, you begin with an anecdote on John. Halfway through that, you switch to "death..." I personally cannot see a connection between the two. Either expand on your anecdote or don't include it. I would also suggest leaving the 'death' sentence out completely as I don't see it having any adverse effect on the overall meaning of your essay. But, you do write well.

Good luck with your application!

Undergraduate / Volunteering at a Retirement Home and How it Has Helped Me Grow [6]

I think your edited piece is quite lovely.

Just wanted to clear something up-- the reason I wrote that it should have been lay instead of laid was because 'laid' is transitive, and, thus, needs an object. For instance, I laid the pot into the sink. "Lay" is used with past simple which is, I believe, what the OP intended to write.

Good luck!

Undergraduate / 'open and forward thinking' - Why UChicago? [5]

I am not only captivated by Univeristy of Chicago's vibrant and diverse student body, but also it's open and forward thinking.<-- It is almost as if you're going to finish that with 'manner'. I guess it depends which way you read it, but I'd finish that off with 'manner' or 'culture' or something like that because I wouldn't want to chance it.

Having lived in two contrasting countries and multicultural communities during my teenage years, I have grown to value diversity. <-- I would change this to "having lived in two contrasting multicultural countries during my teenage years, I have grown to value diversity" (I am assuming you are no longer a teenager..?)

I think your essay is short and sweet-- it gets the main idea across. You might want to elaborate further on why you like the program you're applying to specifically at UChicago.

Good luck!

Read my essays?

Thanks!

Undergraduate / 'infatuation with English' - Cornell- College of Arts and Sciences Supplement [4]

Thank you for all your feedback. I guess I just write 'stuffily'.

Undergraduate / 'a four letter word' - Why Yale- 500 ch. essay [7]

Thanks Zhoe. I'll be sure to provide feedback for your essay.

Is this revision any better?

It is difficult for someone like me with so much passion for English to find the comfort of home at just any college. Yale, however, is one of the few exceptions that have attracted me. Whether it be studying under impressive faculty like Harold Bloom, or participating in the well-established student culture, being a part of this remarkable educational environment would be a privilege. Care for students, and care for education-this is the best possible combination a school could offer.

Undergraduate / 'the Justice department' - Stanford Supplement - What matters to you, and why? [7]

From walking through South Seattle, I learned that the sidewalks of my city are more than just regular cement; they are a part of history, a foundation of capricious battlegrounds and revolutions. I grew up with police sirens as my music, seensaw many fights, and been muggedwas even mugged for my weary belongings. As I walk through the night alone in my community, I feel scared, that the darkness wouldwill swallow me, and I wouldwill be scarred with fear and paranoia. All my life, I have been looking for a positive change; to live with purity and safety. I have always neglected the violence and brutality in my surroundings whenever I walk through my community, not saying one word to even try to stop it. However, these haunting resonations had fueled me for my new inspiration, a new mission that I want nothing more to be accomplished: social justice.

^You 'grew up with police sirens as your music, and were mugged', yet you have 'neglected the violence and brutality...'?? Hmm...sounds a bit odd.

For years as I walked through this battle zone full of excessive violence forced upon by police officers,S ocial equality has always been a question that lingers in my mind. After witnessing a police officer punching a woman in the face for jaywalking, or after watching on TV that a police officer beat and stomped on a Mexican man, and yelled "I'll beat the Mexican piss out of you!" because the police officer thought that the man was a suspect, but was innocent, made me contemplate and ask another question in my mind, "Has the mission that mattered to me now not a mission for all?"<-- Man oh man is this a long sentence. Break it up into smaller pieces. I also wouldn't use 'Mexican piss' in a COLLEGE application essay. I understand that it's raw, but you might want to be a little more sensitive.

As the Justice department is investigating the Seattle Police Department for excessive violence and abuse to the minority and poverty, I ask myself, where was I in these situations? I was just a silent cowardly young boy, letting the violent pestilence take over my community; I now realized that silence is worse than all the violence. My dream now is to become a warrior for justice; a civil vigilante of social equality. Hopefully at Stanford University, I will learn how to wield the sword of my mouth to fight the power for social justice; that I will become the warrior David, and the powerful hierarchy as Goliath

Hi David! A few points of caution: you are applying to Stanford University, not the Justice Institute of wherever. Your application needs to have a higher level of sensitivity. Most people won't fly your way when they see 'Mexican piss'. That would be my opinion if I was in AO. There are some run-ons-- this is a pretty elementary grammatical mistake, so this will set you back. For instance, writing a sentence like: "After witnessing a police officer punching a woman in the face for jaywalking, or after watching on TV that a police officer beat and stomped on a Mexican man, and yelled "I'll beat the Mexican piss out of you!" because the police officer thought that the man was a suspect, but was innocent, made me contemplate and ask another question in my mind, "Has the mission that mattered to me now not a mission for all?" is not very impressive. It makes your writing look weak. Remember that your application isn't all numbers-- people generally enjoy admitting those who they feel are personable, and what better way to convey this than through an essay? Overall, your foundation and idea is there-- there are small errors every so often that you could brush up upon. One other thing-- I'd expand the last paragraph. I'm not sure that the second paragraph is even necessary.

Good luck. I hope to see you at Stanford next year!

Undergraduate / Stanford Significant Exp: Elderly Center + Church [6]

Hi Sarah. Great essay! A few things though...

"Always whenever I told people outside who were not Christian that I was a Christian, it always evoked the image a young girl, extreme, uptight and lacking interesting hobbies."

Re-read that. Now re-read it again. "Always..."whenever"..."always"..."

You are a little repetitive with your writing. It diminishes the overall effect and clouds your meaning. Try re-writing the above sentence to something like...

"Whenever I told people that I was a Christian, I felt they saw me as overly prudish."

Your essay flows very nicely and it is quite interesting. Good luck!

Read my character essay please?

Thanks!

Undergraduate / "You're Lucky"-Stanford Roommate Letter-Is it too vague? [16]

I can speak Telugu, an Indian dialect, and I'd say I'm at adequate at speaking Spanish.

Other than that, it was great! I like how funny your essay was. It was very personable.

Hope to see you at Stanford next year!

Read my character essay?

Undergraduate / 'Marlow' - Common App- Character essay [10]

Thanks for you feedback. Is this revision any better?

From everyone who has been given much, much will be demanded; and from the one who has been entrusted with much, much more will be asked.

~Luke 12:48

I was raised with the strong affirmations of the Bible, learning dutifully to exemplify God's words in my daily life. My scriptures were not taken lightly- I was quite possessive of my knowledge. Though I acknowledged it less as fact than I did as fiction, the morality of the teachings stayed the same. In order to enjoy great power, one had to earn it by keeping with the responsibilities.

Although I have never been bestowed with enough power to merit great responsibility, I have come to recognize this trait in many of my fictitious adventures: my books. To say I'm a fan of literature would be an understatement; I have grown quite attached to my collection. However, I had never been as faithful to the above parable as I was when I first read Conrad's Heart of Darkness.

This is where I met Marlow.
No fictional character I have ever met has ever been as memorable as Charles Marlow. Interestingly enough, it was not by vocation that I even chose to meet him; Marlow was thrust upon me by my wonderful AP English teacher. Despite my initial, rather tepid feelings towards the book, I can now say with satisfaction that, because of Marlow, Heart of Darkness is almost enjoyable. Marlow has extremely positive traits coupled with rather negative ones; he is the most human of all the characters. Thus, he is venerable- he portrays someone extremely relatable. It is in a sad twist of fate that he even appears in Heart of Darkness. All Marlow can possibly think of now is, "The horror! The horror!"

Marlow is the protagonist of the novel. He and I, as I like to say, have a special connection. He spins his yarns of seamanship; I spin yarns of didactic essay-writing. I focus concretely on morality, and I am brutally honest. Marlow does the same; he is not withered in his explanations for the good of human decency. He is punctual and enjoys an elaborate diction. As can be told, I do too. Marlow carries a peaceful gaze- he sits like a Buddha, palms up in a deific fashion. I too carry a peaceful manner. But, it is not only that we share similar traits- he is my authority.

Marlow is almost a balance to the two extremes introduced in the plot. He is at an equidistance from the two, representing propriety and morality. He is practical, siding with neither party. Marlow serves as the leeway between the Company and Kurtz- he is neither inclined towards dominating savagery, nor towards the consumption of money and profit. However, as his story progresses, Marlow is sucked further and further into the "heart of darkness"; he begins to acknowledge the greatness he believes Kurtz has. Even after seeing the human heads mounted on staves fencing his hut, Marlow does not believe Kurtz is a monster; instead, he sees Kurtz as a remarkable man. After Kurtz's death, Marlow agrees to uphold his honour by telling his Intended that the last words on Kurtz's lips were of her; she is deluded enough to believe this. Marlow exerts his humanity, allowing for pity to overshadow his feelings of anger that she believes Kurtz to be a good person. Marlow bears several qualities that make him all too human. Although he realizes that it is in his best interests to betray Kurtz and reveal his true character to his Intended, Marlow does not do this. Instead, he lies to her out of pity.

This is where my perspective suddenly shifted.
Kurtz, although undeniably a remarkable man, was going unpunished for his lack of responsibility? Marlow did not tell Kurtz's Intended of his true character. Kurtz was not punished for his descent into savagery; although one could argue that his termination had something to do with his abuse of power, did that really matter considering his physical state? Kurtz was going to die anyways. The true punishment would have been to reveal his true character- something Marlow didn't do.

Although I now understand why Marlow did what he did, I cannot help feeling that it was his humanity which prevented him from revealing the truth. Thus, in the scope of things, Marlow's sympathy crippled his better judgement. Through Marlow, I realize the importance of disallowing emotions to cloud my judgement. It is honourable what he did- however, it is not the truth. In the end, truth does triumph. Kurtz, however great and remarkable, did not deserve the end he got. He deserved to be exposed as the maddened psychotic he truly was, to the person who mattered most to him. Despite this, Marlow lied on his behalf. I am bitter that this is the ending Conrad chose for his story, although I understand the morality behind it- with great power comes great responsibility. However, breaking this golden rule does not necessarily guarantee punishment.

Undergraduate / 'the Justice department' - Stanford Supplement - What matters to you, and why? [7]

No worries, and I'd say you have as good a chance as anyone. I hope I wasn't being too harsh, but you have to remember that as of now, the essay really is the only thing in your control. Everything else is a bit of a crapshoot. Good luck! I genuinely hope to see you succeed!

Undergraduate / (Human Ecology + Arts and Science) - Cornell Essays [3]

The objectives and approach to education at the College of Human Ecology are distinctive, like me. My ultimate objective for myself is to become someone valuable and relevant to society, through my intelligence and insight. To do this, my education must give me an understanding of social issues on a number of different levels.;i t must also be something that can be applied effectively to issues of todaycurrent issues . At the College of Human Ecology, majors are organized into social topics or themes that are relevant to society. Education is seen as more than what is written in textbooks. It is what helps shape students into adults who apply their interdisciplinary education to the current issues of society.<--I understand what you are trying to say here, but with great difficulty. Try and shorten your sentences into one collective closing sentence. I believe you could convey the same meaning, but in a much clearer and conciser way.

The College of Human Ecology has contemporary and flexible programs that are geared to develop students like me who want to understand things on a number of levels. As someone who loves science, I am immediately drawn to the Biology majors available. The Biology and Society and Human Biology, Health, and Society programs require students to use perspectives from both the biological sciences and the social sciences to examine current health issues. Currently, my interest lies in the field of medicine. I have a passion for helping and understanding others, and an interest in studying a relevant topic like the human body. The programs available at this College are traditional in the respected and esteemed education that gives Cornell University its name. But,However, they also effectively prepare students to apply their education to modern society.

What I like about the biology programs at the College of Human Ecology is their integration of classes that delve into more than just the biological aspects of man. I do not want to go to college to study only science. In fact, I don't think I would be the person I am today without my humanities classes. From a young age, I have always been an outgoing person. I have loved people and have an interest in our biological workings as well as our natural behavior and thinking. I consistently seek to have a deeper understanding of the people around me and find that I am often successful in empathizing with others. However, I can say that a lot of my insights and understandings of people have come from the courses I take in school. Though math and science are my favorites, I also see a tremendous value in the English and history classes that I take. These humanities classes have taught me to study and analyze the progress and behaviors of mankind on a psychological level. I want to be someone who understands mankind on both a biological level and psychological level, someone with great perspective in their work. At the College of Human Ecology, I know that my education can combine learning in a number of subjects and teach me to be a critical thinker, and leader, knowledgeable in a number of fields.

Overall, your essay is fine. However, you do have some awkward phrasing, so I'd suggest reading it aloud to pick out what you think sounds odd. You are a little repetitive (The College combines courses, the College does this, the College does that, etc.). However, the meaning is there. Good job!

The purpose of the teen years, and even early adulthood is to define ourselves, discover our talents, and grab every opportunity to achieve. In high school, I have immersed myself and challenged myself in a variety of areas, in order to see my own strengths, my limits, and my interests. At the College of Arts and Sciences, there are students with a number of diverse interests and an overbearing passion to dive into all of them so that they can discover themselves, and discover who they want to be as adults.This is very awkward. I would suggest breaking it up. I notice you have a tendency to repeat what is obvious; for instance, you write "...in order to see MY OWN strengths, MY limits, and MY interests". Because you are talking about YOURSELF, it is not necessary to include all those extra "mys". Trying new things and learning about a variety of things is important to me because I believe these are the experiences that will help me discover who I am. "Things" is a weak word choice. I believe this is the first step in helping me achieve my goal of becoming a relevant and contributable person to society. The flexible and all-encompassing curriculum available at the College of Arts and Sciences is what draws me towards to itattracts me ; because that is exactly what I believe I need to help me better understand the person I am.Semi-colons have two "sentences" on either side. For instance, "I bought some fruit at the supermarket; the apples were fifty cents per pound, and the pears were a dollar."

Both academically and personally, my interests and activities exhibit great diversity and progress. From a young age, I have shown great interest in several subjects and have challenged myself by taking AP classes in almost every subject. I am an avid reader and love delving myself into an interesting novel for hours at a time. For me, books are a way to put my creative thinking skills to use as I paint pictures in my mind as I read. True to my talkative nature, I love the chance to share my opinions in a deep and challenging discussions in my English classes. I value learning to articulate my thoughts and reading, and hearing the thoughts of others as I grow up and form my opinions of people and the world around me.

When it comes to math classes, I love meticulously going through long derivative problems for pages and pages, simply because of the deliberation and persistence they require.I'm not even sure this sentence is necessary. You could just start by launching into "my favourite subject is science". My favorite subject, however, is science. In science, critical thinking is the key part in figuring things out. It is one big puzzle that all adds up to a big picture. It requires me to read and study general concepts and materials and then apply them to situations to understand how things work. I think it a true test of the brain's flexibility as it requires both comprehension and application. My special interest in science has even prompted me to pursue doing research over the summer at a pharmaceutical company where I participated in the testing of several drugs, learned lab techniques, and even animal handling. The environment was completely alien to me, and it was a true test of application of my chemistry and biology knowledge and my ability to adapt and learn quickly. But, I persevered. I took time to look back on my old notebooks and ask questions. I eagerly volunteered myself to do everything and to watch everything. This experience gave me a true insider's look into the world of medical research and excited me as I saw that the concepts I learned in school truly were put into real life use.

As a student, I have been an active member in all of my classes by participating in group discussion and interestedly doing the work required for the class but also taking time to read and think more about topics that interest me. I have taken the initiative to further challenge myself and pursue my interests in English, math, and science by getting involved in essay competitions, math contests, and medical research. I have a deep interest in critical thinking and learning in a number of worldly fields. My ambitious and perseverant nature pushes me to challenge myself to work hard until I am proud of the effort I have put forth. At the Cornell University College of Arts and Sciences, I hope to continue being driven on this academically challenging and enriching path.

This second essay is very insightful. However, you do still struggle with awkward phrasing. I would suggest, again, combing through the essay and weeding out every little thing that seems off. In my opinion, grammar mistakes and phrasing errors are the biggest things that will set you back because they are so easy to fix. Universities want to see that you are well-rounded and capable of writing well. Essays are really the only thing that you can control as of now (unless you're still taking your standardized tests).

Check my character essay??

Good luck with your application to Cornell. I hope I wasn't being too hard on you!

Undergraduate / 'Marlow' - Common App- Character essay [10]

@Ramya

Thanks for your insight. However, you accidentally edited my old version. My apologies if I made this unclear-- the edited version is in the post right above yours.

Undergraduate / William & Mary Supplement: Beyond academics and extracurriculars [2]

I glanced over my porch's overstep and saw a discarded copy of the Los Angeles Times,. I would normally never bind myself to read such trivial trash, but its title sparked my interest. The headline smacked in size thirty-two font exclaimed "Measuring Your Future Success"; I beat myself up andBeating yourself up? This sounds odd. grabbed the crumpled manuscript hoping to reinforce my ego. I continued to read the paper and was plunged into despairAs I continued reading the paper, I plunged further into despair because I thought I was labeled a failure. I'm not sure if that sentence works well. You may want to take it out or re-word. It took into account my parent's education, their income, and my ethnicity, in a sense their prediction was understandable, but the pain it struck was notThis sounds odd. I'm not sure what you're trying to convey here . As I moved through each word, I revamped myself as I continually failed to fit their predictions, ranging from my academic success to my future aspirations. I had accomplished a mistake, obtaining the title of an outlier, marking my individuality and persistence.A lot of what you're writing makes little sense. I under the gist-- you read an article entitled "Measuring Your Future Success", and that, according to said article, you were a 'failure'. However, what is lacking is sense! You start off quite well, but by the end of your paragraph you're babbling.

In a sense, the world was my antagonist as it engulfed me with athe promise of failure. Fortunately, with every incorrect categorization, I pelted my colossal foe. Your language is quite awkward. If you're not used to writing/speaking this way, try a more simplistic style. As I disproved the last prediction I left my coup de grace. Such a formidable opponent fell to a small boy; I was David slaying Goliath!I like this! Though the feat was not lavished with golden accolades or pricey trophies, I obtained a rare title. I acclaimed the act with such high honor, since the participants were few and those who broke the predictions were even smaller.

Throughout the discourse of achieving the title, I was proud of being marked an individual through the process. Also achieving success against heavy odds lent me a sense of the world. Unlike many of my peers, I was not provided a Virgil to guide me through hell. I had to strive through every endeavor without the assistance of an instruction manual providing a set course for success. An unfortunate circumstance that I accepted with open arms, since it provided me with a sense of realism. Although I carried these unfortunate burdens, I obtained the success promised to opulent individuals, what a highlight to my accomplishment!

Once I acknowledged my feat, I noted that being persistent helped me throughout the discourse of my life. During primary school I scuffled through stacks of homework with my yellow instrumentwhat are you talking about-- a ruler? , and alienated myself from frivolous matters. IntermediateMiddle school was no different as I confined myself in the closest library. Once in High School I immediately dropped my valuable trait and catapulted to a state of failure. My first semester struck me with no surprise and released me into distress. Quickly, I directed myself towards my wooden bureau to refine myself as I once was. Although at times it serves as a burden, being persistent has become a viable trait.

Now as I continue through life, I iterate Calvin's words of predestination in sarcasm and humbly laugh to myself.I am unclear as to what you are referring to. Although it might seem obvious to you, remember that AOs are typically graduate students, so they may not understand the reference either. Also the title was more than just an outline of a few qualities, it detailed the jurisdiction I have against most challenges. Not only that, but I also proved to myself that I may turn myself positive, contrary to my adversaries. This entire paragraph seems unnecessary. It's very confusing as is. Because it's your closing paragraph, try to give it more meaning. For instance, draw from what the article taught you about yourself.

Overall, I think you answered the prompt well. A lot of your writing is unnecessarily wordy. You need to take out the 'filler' and leave only the good stuff. Just a general point-- when writing essays, you don't need to go over-the-top with your language. It's better to use simpler language and more even phrasing than sound awkward. You should not sound like you're writing this with a thesaurus handy! I can tell that the language you are using in your essay is not language that you use in everyday life-- this is bad. I should not be able to tell! Furthermore, you over-use complex phrasing. Remember-- KISS (Keep It Simple Stupid).

I apologize if I seem unnecessarily harsh. I am trying my very best to help you with your essay. Good luck on your application!

Read my Character essay?

Undergraduate / 'the Justice department' - Stanford Supplement - What matters to you, and why? [7]

I have heard that ED gets a slight edge over the regular pool (that may or may not be true-- the edge was something like 0.0018%). However, submitting your application in towards the end of the deadline should not put you at a disadvantage to the earlier applicants.

Undergraduate / Molecular Gastronomy - Stanford Intellectual vitality [4]

Surrounded by strangers, I sat in the audience with no idea what to expect. With my love for food, I was instantly hooked after hearing about a lecture hosted by the Chicago Humanties Festival, "Deconstructing Dinner: Molecular Gastronomy."I would reword this sentence. It is a little awkward. Furthermore, I'm a little confused-- where are you? Are you at the Chicago Humanities Festival, or are they simply putting on a presentation at a convention you're attending? I craned my neck, seeking the originsThis is also a little awkward. Perhaps, "I craned my neck to see a mysterious gas appear from underneath the table" of a mysterious, visible gas appearing from under a table. Thomas Bowman, executive chef of the pioneering restaurant iNG (Imagining New Gastronomy) walked on stage and the revelation began.

The latest culinary technology, molecular gastronomy, combines art and science, focusing on a deeper understanding of the chemistry and physics of food. Its goal is to change existing expectations of how food should look and taste. Molecular gastronomy alsobyexploresexploring how new cooking methods, tools and ingredients produce various textures and flavors. Tools usually employed in the laboratory such as centrifuges, food dehydrators and laser infrared surface thermometers, are movingmoved into the kitchen. This is where it gets confusing. I understand that you are referring to Thomas Bowman, but I'm not sure that the Stanford AO will. After reading however many applications per day, how can you be sure they'll understand exactly what you mean? Furthermore, this is very segmented; what I mean by this is that you introduce Thomas Bowman, then you cut to a completely new section about what molecular gastronomy is, and then you make reference to Thomas Bowman once more. Is the above the 'revelation' he had been explaining? He explained how the molecular gastronomy movement utilizes "ingredients" like liquid nitrogen, hydrocolloids and food additives to form edible foams and gels. To demonstrate, Bowman "cooked" a waffle with liquid nitrogen, the mysterious gas. The waffle was fast frozen since liquid nitrogen's temperature at normal atmospheric pressure is -210 degrees Celsius. For enjoyment and aesthetic purposes, Bowman applied a blowtorch for completion.

In this program, he articulated how the miracle berry, native to West Africa, generates the perception that foods are sweet. The protein miraculin binds to taste buds, causing sour and savory foods to taste sweet, its effect lasting for one hour after digestion. When miraculin contacts acids, it activates the sweetness. Miracle berries contain no sugar introducing another alternative for diabetics and dieters. Attending this lecture not only increased my understanding of science in food but changed my perception of the conventions of dining.

Overall, not bad. You picked interesting content which makes your essay engaging. However, the errors that you've made are too obvious to ignore. You need to organize your essay into a much clearer format. The closing sentence to your last paragraph is also quite weak because I see it as being very generic. How many essays have you seen ending in, "Attending this lecture changed my perception on the conventions of dining." Your word choice is good, however, you could restructure. But overall, not bad. With a few adjustments here and there, you should be well on your way!

Hope to see you at Stanford next year! I hope I didn't come off as harsh-- I'm just trying to help. Feel free to ask any questions about my notes, and I'll elaborate further.

Mind going over my essays?

Good luck!

Undergraduate / 'Fibonacci in Nature'- Harvard Supp't [8]

LOL, IT'S NOT THAT LONG!

Thanks for the comments. I thought my topic was very original, haha, but I guess not. Is there anything in particular about the golden ratio paragraph that you think I could fix?

Undergraduate / Nursing student admission essay (social justice?) [2]

Hmmm, you seem to have forgotten to post your essay!

In terms of social justice-- I believe they're looking for your level of commitment to other people. I.e. are you compassionate? How will you deal with difficult situations? In terms of your moral ethics, how will you respond to sensitive situations?

Undergraduate / I missed my train - Caltech ethical dilemma essay [6]

Overall, very well written essay. There are a few minor tidbits that you could shape up, but nothing major. I'd suggest adding a closing sentence to the last paragraph because the ending sentence really only finishes the anecdote about the homeless man; it does not draw a conclusion from your experience. You answered the prompt very well, and gave insight on what kind of ethics you carry.

Good luck with getting into CalTech.

Mind going over my Fibonacci essay?

Undergraduate / 'Fibonacci in Nature'- Harvard Supp't [8]

I also changed my last paragraph. Does this sound any better? I'm not too positive about the last sentence. Is it OK?

As I previously mentioned, I am not a mathematician. I do not find satisfaction in performing overly complex equations. However, I still enjoy my numbers. Mostly, these are numbers of things I collect, such as empty Starbucks cards, dusty Mason jars, and used toilet paper rolls. I am very curious about numbers- aesthetically, they are very pleasing. Numbers make up the general beauty seen, as evident, in nature. However, they are also very purposeful, organizing evolutionary creation into rational patterns. Without these patterns comes total chaos; thus, numbers are essential to the ebb and flow of nature. Numbers are fantastical things. My research has only proven that they are for all levels of thinking; one does not have to be a Gauss to realize that they are integral to our way of life. Therefore, numbers equal nature, nature equals philosophy, and philosophy equals me.