Undergraduate / 'interest in pursuing a Business' - Ithaca Supplement. [3]

As a result of my work experience, I became very interested in the field of business.

This unique opportunity provided me with first-hand experience and a real world application for my interest in business.

I began to read various financial magazines and newspaper such as Forbes and the Financial Times.

In order to have a sucessful business I believe that I need to have more than just an academic understanding.

(I feel that your essay has a very professional and sophisticated tone and then you begin to sound weaker with the story about basketball. I notice that you tried to lighten the mood of the essay with a bit of humor, but I would stick to the nice tone you begun with throughout the entire essay)

(Maybe I am wrong, if you like to personal touch you add to it then keep it in. But try to read the essay with the revised sentences)

When I entered the fifth grade, my parents advised me to become involved in a sport they were fond of, basketball. As soon as I initiated my participation on the basketball team, I became very passionate for the sport and continue to play for my schools basketball team to this day.

Despite knowing what degree to pursue, I still have not decided what kind of job I want to have after graduation. (I WOULD TAKE THIS OUT!)

I believe that, with the vast array of business-related opportunities offered at Ithaca College, such as internships, and with the support of its countless student associations for business students, I will be able to reach my full potential as an undergraduate student and be able to implement my knowledge and skills gained at Ithaca College to succeed professionally.

I really hope that you like the edits I made and take them into consideration! I wish you luck!

Undergraduate / 'India Day Parade in America' - Brown supplement [5]

These are very short responses! I guessing they only wanted the responses to be a few sentences long.

How did you find out about Brown? For example, from a person, publication, campus visit, etc.?
While taking SAT classes my teacher told me that she went to Brown. Valeria(WHO?)(I would continue with saying.. My teacher..) conveyed (an image of) how alluring the campus (I WOULDN'T TAKE ABOUT THE CAMPUS BEAUTY!) was and her description about the variety (I don't know what you're referring to as "the variety") that corresponded wonderfully with my natural inclination and love for intellectual width and freedom of class selection, quickly drew me to Brown.

While enrolled in an SAT class my teacher informed me that she attended Brown University. My teacher conveyed an image of the immense diversity of the student body and of the vast array of opportunities that would be provided to me at Brown. Her description about the variety, that corresponded wonderfully with my natural inclination and love for intellectual width, and about the freedom of class selection, quickly drew me to Brown.

I tried to make it sound a bit more professional.

The other two sound pretty good to me! Best of luck!

Undergraduate / 'India Day Parade in America' - Brown supplement [5]

Wow that is a difficult limit! I think you should keep the part about her being an SAT teacher because that is a specific part of the question. They want to know who, and just saying "a teacher" is too vague. Here is my revision:

While enrolled in an SAT class my teacher informed me that she attended Brown University. She conveyed an image of the immense diversity of the student body and of the vast array of opportunities available to undergraduate students, which quickly drew me to Brown.

It is only 264 characters so maybe you can play around with it but I think is it short and sweet.

Undergraduate / 'like the bridge in the guitar' - Why Conncoll? [4]

I think you should drop it. Unless you are planning to minor/double major in some sort of music or art, I would stick to a crisp clear-cut idea. If you really feel that attached to the idea, atleast tone it down so it doesn't overwhelm your entire essay. At parts it seems like your teaching the admission officer that parts of a guitar. It's up to you!

Undergraduate / Recommended / Inspirational / Teacher assistant /Walls Syracuse University Supplement [4]

Well I feel like an idiot I wrote 2 page responses for each question (poor admission counselor).

For essay one, you need a much better ending. I would not talk about the school spirit if I were you and instead I would write about the diversity of the student body or the research and internship opportunities that would be available to you. Then write a nice little ending sentence along the lines of "Although I was introduced to Syracuse University quite recently, I was quickly drawn to the university as I learned more information about it, and it is now my top choice school"

I'm sure you can edit that sentence to make it sound nicer, but just a thought.

Essay two, it is great that you talk about their study abroad. To add to that once again I would mention that not only would you be exposed to different cultures abroad, but that you will be introduced to students from all over the world right on the Syracuse campus.

Essay three and four and great because you answer the topics exactly how you should have. I would just work on your word choice and revise the sentences to sound more professional.

Best of luck!

Undergraduate / 'A country like Bangladesh' - evaluate my comon app essay [2]

This essay is very well written and it develops very nicely into a thoughtful, meaningful essay.

When I was in third grade, I did the most impulsive and ...
One day, as I was leaving my classroom, I saw a girl just ahead of me. There was something very curious (inviting?) and enticing about her.

... too inquisitive but that was just her way of trying to help others. Nontheless, most of my fellow students found ...
... sweet and friendly girl she was. However,she bore a pain that none of us knew.

... as they got older it became more difficultto do so. Throughout her life, her grandparents had provided for her with the little income they managed to earn, and in later years, from their much ...

But the idea of my childhood friend from quite a learned familyI don't know what you were trying to say here), suddenly being stripped of ...

But it didn't.<--need a space hereHer determination and courage caused her ...
I feel like you talk too much about how sucessful she is now. It almost made me feel like I wanted to accept HER into the university, completely forgetting that you are the one that this essay should be focused on. All greay until this paragraph. I would brifely explain her accomplishments in one or two sentences

There were things that I knew before but never truly understood; People that I loved ...
... caused them to think so, but in a way, I was no different from them until Inara ...

Great essay, very moving, but I would cut done the details a lot. I got a bit lazy at the end I won't lie. But the last few paragraphs need to be cut down and shortened so the essay is around 600 words and no more than 700.

Good luck!

Undergraduate / 'coming to a different country' - Rice University Suppliment-culture and unique experience [3]

What perspective do you feel that you will contribute to life at Rice?

I merely scanned over your essay because my eyes are about to give out, but I did not see you answer this part of the question directly. You talk about what unique perspective you have, but you do not directly mention how this perspective will contribute to the Rice community.

Other than that, the essay is nicely written and has a memorable ending.

Good luck, fellow competitor.

Undergraduate / "Don't send me to America!": Evaluate a significant experience [14]

This is a well written essay, it is memorable, and it is interesting to read.
I feel that the last paragraph of the essay fits well, but that the last sentence does not fit well with the rest of the essay.

I'd write:

My wishes, too, had taken a turn. They evolved from stubborn, personal desires to the stepping stones of maturation. At first, I had felt bitter about the obstacles I had to face; I had just wanted to get away. But as I learned to jump over those obstacles, I began to see hope. No longer was wishing merely a refuge from the troubles of the day. Generosity and acceptance greeted me just as much as hardship or reluctance. I was never alone in my difficulties, and I began to make wishes not just for myself, - but for those who mattered to me as well.

I think that sentence is great so I thought it would be a strong ending to the essay.

Good luck!

Undergraduate / Eugene Lang "Design a class and how it will impact the world" [4]

Wow, that last paragraph was great!

Overall, I think you were very creative and did a great job on this essay! I would try to elaborate a bit more on the 'impact the world' part, although you seem to be tight on words already. I would write a brief sentence on how this structed, yet open (lack of a better word) classroom design will help the students in todays generation to adequately learn all of the material and to reach their full potentials. Thus, better educated students will lead to a more promising future for the world. Some little line like that is needed.

Other than that, it was interesting to read and I'm sure the admissions counselor will enjoy it as well!

Undergraduate / UChicago Favorite Things Essay - "Lolita/Frank Sinatra" [5]

You have a very beautiful way with words. I think the essays are perfect and are ready to be sent out.

Grammar, Usage / (With the help of her brother,..) comma placement in this sentence [6]

With the help of her brother, she had learned the basics of reading, such as: sounding out words, looking at pictures for help, and using the dictionary.

Yes I feel the comma is coorect after reading because it would be too incomplete without it there. I added the semicolon because I feel it worked in the sentence and it's always good to show some diversity in your syntax!

Undergraduate / 'Education is optimum tool to achieve my goals' - PURDUE [2]

I think this is a very good essay and you do a great job at expressing your interest in your field. I do not know the topic, but if this is asking you WHY Purdue, then you should expand a bit more on the research, internship, volunteer, and study abroad opportunities that would be available to you.

Good luck! I hope you get in!

Undergraduate / Core program at the University of Chicago brings the undergraduates closer for a global conversation [13]

Personally, I think ariawashere did a great job on editing your essay. You shouldn't highlight the fact that you are applying to other universities. Even though they know you are, you shouldn't remind them.

I think you did great mentioning specific aspects of the university such as the core and the ultimate frisbee. I would expand a bit on the study abroad and show your interest in it a little more because you only briefly state your interest in it.

Other than that it is a good essay and you answer the topic perfectly.

Grammar, Usage / Proper comma usage in English language [8]

Later on, I realized the passion I held for basketball and began to dream of playing for high school, college, and in the NBA.

Of course, the dream was crushed soon enough; however, my commitment and dedication allowed me to become a starter as well as the captain on the varsity team in high school, which I had longed for since elementary school.

Basketball has taught me the importance of passion, effort, and dedication, which I know will assist me throughout my life in the future.

Made a few corrections and I feel the sentences are good to go now!

Undergraduate / 'acoustic guitar' - short answer response for Common App [4]

Each time before I begin toplay myacoustic guitar, I make it a point to put myself in tune with the instrument. The etudes and exercises can wait; a clear mind is essential for any sort of education and application. To begin, I always make sure its body is pressed flat and firm against my chest, like a badge; loose straps are not for me . My next act is a heavy pluck of the deep low 'E' string, followed by a long, deep breath. That lonely bass note's poweful virbation knocks on the back of the guitar and is let into my body. It recalls the simple, but compelling drone of a Buddhist chant. Instantly, I feel warm and full, as if a Christmas dinner had just been eaten. I let the sound hum inside me until my head feels light. The note rings until its lost somewhere between my heart and my spine. Finally, I exhale and begin to play.

I think it is a good essay and is very deep. Only other critique is that I would consider finding another way to convey your thoughts than by the sentence "I feel warm and full, as if a Christmas dinner had just been eaten". I understand the powerful message you are trying to convey but perhaps there is a better example.

Good luck!