Undergraduate / "the sight of gold" - one extracurricular activity (150 words) LIFE [5]

He sits there, in block start position, amid the icy winter sky. His panting growing louder, his pulse escalating. The temperature differential propels an eerie column of fog up from his mouth, producing the spooky ambience of a werewolf movie. Only one thought crosses his mind, to be the first one to reach that finish line. The crowds roar producing butterflies in his stomach.

A gunshot, stampede and the race was finished, instinct eventually overrode thought. A hundred meter sprint, twelve seconds flat, yet it didn't suffice. Just over two seconds separated first from last, yet he merely inched his way to fourth place. Surprisingly he wasn't disappointed, rather John Hersey's words reminded him, "Every success begins with a failure".

Driven by an inexplicable compulsion he still competes each year, the fear of failure has made him averse to new challenges. For who doesn't like the sight of gold?

any critique would be welcome, my grammar and punctuation is horrible. I would be pleased if you could let me know about errors in those areas

Undergraduate / Blindsided- "Syracuse University essay" admission essay question. [4]

2. What paid work experience have you had and what skills and/or knowledge did you gain?

It's only when you stand in that shaded courtyard amongst the shunned, their baleful eyes staring back at you. That you feel all their pain, their suffering, and in that moment you understand, clearer than ever before, why you stand here. It's not to rake up hours of voluntary service or for another certificate to impress University. It's those eyes that draw you back, the need to give them something that they may have never had before, watch hope spring from their dark pools. It's only then that you realize how someone can make all the difference in their lives.

I have had no paid work experience as such, but by visiting Dar-ul-Sakoon, an institution for the mentally handicapped, every Saturday, my perceptions of life began to alter, I started seeing things in a different light, unanswered questions began to arise. Today I would like to remember just one of the many special people I became acquainted with while at Dar-ul-Sakoon and how he moved me. His name was Maani.

Every Saturday I was his legs, for he could not walk. He sat there, paralyzed from the waist down, on his wheelchair; dependant on the world to push him. I showed him the world. His world.

Every Saturday I was his arms, for they were beyond his control. I grasped them to let him know, that I was there for him, and gave his wild swings direction by guiding them to the food before him.

Every Saturday I was his words, for he could not speak. I translated his short gasps of air and gave them meaning. Like a little child he desperately tried to converse with me; like a father I tried to understand him.

He made me realize how gifted we are, yet how thankless. Just the very look on his face taught me great humility, gratitude and contentment for what we have and our responsibility to devote time and money, to serve such humanity who have hearts and feelings much similar to ours. I saw him content in his empty world, yet I despised fate on his behalf. Maani made me stronger by realizing that despite all else, he possessed a quality that I could never attain; even though I could control my thoughts and actions, he could touch the soul of a perfect stranger.

Every Saturday he was my angel, as I searched for the god that deserted him.

I would apprecaite help with grammar and punctuations, also my second last paragraph could be revised in a better way. Critiques of any form are welcome...

Undergraduate / Michigan Ann Arbor "issue of local concern" [10]

Mustafa Nadeem

[B] Discuss an issue of local concern. Why is this issue important to you? How do you think it should be addressed?

My heart racing, my teeth chattering, I place the cursor on 'submit' and hesitantly click. Only one thought crosses my mind, "will it finally go through?" I finally heave a sigh of relief as the browser diverts to a new page.

Let me take you through an average Sunday of my life. I'm reading my college essay topics and guess what-the electricity goes. I'm trying to write my essay and guess what-the electricity goes. I'm trying to press save to avoid losing my work and guess what-the electricity goes. I get up to relieve my frustration by making some coffee and yeah you've guessed it by now-the electricity goes.

Load shedding has become part of our daily routine in Pakistan. Most people make time for study or bathroom breaks, but here in Pakistan, we make time for load shedding. Technology has become such an integral part of life that people all over the world are dependant on it. Remember the black out in New York several years ago? Imagine that happening every evening. It is such an annoying problem because it disrupts the very flow of life, everything comes to a stand still; people's lives are put on hold, and in some special cases college essays have to be started all over again.

The reason why load shedding is such a wide scale phenomenon in my country can be explained using the basic supply and demand theory. Pakistan has such a large population that the supply of electricity fails to match up to its demand. Consequently the high demand exerts massive pressure on electricity generation plants causing widespread power cuts. This very fact takes all the romance and excitement of having candle lit dinners out of our lives, as they are a common practice to avoid spilling food all over the place!

This issue is of great concern because load shedding wastes almost 6 hours a day. As a student, a great deal of my work revolves around the computer and other electronic equipment. Therefore, half my time is either spent waiting for the light to come back or making predictions about what time it will.

Two factors have to be considered while devising a potential solution to this problem, quantity and affordability. We need to find a way to increase the electrical output while maintaining an affordable price for the local population. The answer to this problem is hydroelectricity. Pakistan is one of the few countries where the main river, river Indus, runs throughout the country. This water flows largely unchecked and eventually dumps itself into the Arabian Sea. If more dams could be constructed to utilize this large body of natural water, a great amount of renewable energy could be generated for the whole country at minimal cost.

However as the saying goes "Behind every dark cloud is a silver lining", this dark cloud provides a livelihood to poor candle makers and other individuals that earn their income from selling generators. It allows people to disengage from their hectic lives and enjoy the aesthetic pleasure that nature provides. We learn to unite, even if this unification is temporary involving hundreds of people standing out on the roads cursing KESC (Karachi Electric Supply Company). The best part about black outs is that it reminds us to never cease being moved by the wonders of a sunset or amazed at the beauty of a rose. It truly helps us rediscover the meaning of 'joie de vie'.

let me know what you think?, i tried to take a very light hearted approach to a really pissing off problem in my country.

Undergraduate / "Imagine a room" - CommonAPP essay [13]

Imagine a room.

Give it a door, some windows, and a black wooden study table. Sitting in that room is a boy. His paper placed firmly on the table, his pencil sharpened. Staring vacantly at the blank page before him. He blinks once, blinks twice, stares again. Waiting for that creative impulse.

Nothing!

He shuts his eyes, takes a deep breath. An idea grips him. Struggling to hold on to it, he quickly jots down a mere set of words. He pauses, contemplates, and then scratches them out. Muscles tense, heartbeat amplifies, blood pounds through his veins as he clenches his fist. Anger overrides thought.

For this boy has heard that you're supposed to 'show' things in college essays rather than tell. Desperately, he keeps trying to find ways to encompass himself onto that loose sheet of paper. Being treated like another candidate number in a huge pile of applications just will not suffice. He is more than that. More than just a string of numbers; he is a name. He loves being radical. Grabbing your attention, shaking it repeatedly and bludgeoning it with non-conformity until it begs for reprieve. The 'special' is in him; all he desires is a venting point to showcase his unconventionality. Dreams told him he was destined for greatness. Reality showed otherwise. He was a tiny someone, a part of something huge. A brick in a building. Yet a weird sense of superiority overwhelmed him.

Once again, in search of inspiration, he gazed around his room. Every detail defined him, every object called out his name, but how could he articulate it all onto paper?

His gaze caught sight of the closet, clothes overturned. On top of that mass lay his school football jersey. His name was displayed in bold at the back. How he wished he could depict what that jersey meant to him. The memories attached to it, the sense of belonging it provided every time he put it on. To be part of something big - a team. Where everyone looked out for each other, where it was not about the money, glory, or age, but about running for each other, fighting for each other, going out there and just playing some ball. It was there, on that football field, that everyone was equal. The only thing that defined you is what you could do with the ball. It was near impossible for him to relocate every sentiment he felt onto a piece of paper.

Next to his jersey lay his shin guards, battered and bruised. Every scratch told a story; every story didn't always end happily ever after. How could he relay all of them - omitting any one would be like omitting a part of himself.

He glanced at his school shirt, perfectly pressed, ready for a new day at school. How could he portray through an anecdote what that shirt represents. How he grew old in it, transitioning from a happy-go-lucky teenager into a mature human being. The lessons he learnt in that very shirt, how achievements did not bring lasting happiness, friends did. Even if he put every memory, or part of a single memory onto paper, he still would not be able to extract the same empathy he felt while writing it.

He still sits there. With his paper placed firmly on the table, pencil sharpened, trying to sum up his life in 500 words or less.

this is kinda my common app essay...before the last ending sentence i kinda need an ending bit, line or paragraph or something which basically ties the whole thing together, but i cant think of one... so any help would be appreciated because i have the worst writers bloc and i need to submit this soon...also all help with grammar will be greatly appreciated

Undergraduate / Illinois Urbana Champaign Essay ("Blessed are the Peace makers") [3]

ESSAY #2: In an essay of 300 words or less, choose one extracurricular activity, work experience or community service project from the list you provided on the application and explain why you initially chose it, why you continued with it, and how you benefited from it.

The most beautiful words ever spoken by Man (or God) are "Blessed are the Peace makers". And one need not go to Camp David to be a peacemaker; being kind, generous and helpful to humanity is just as good an effort for an enslaved soul.

Working as a voluntary helper at Dar-ul-Sakoon, an institution for the mentally handicapped, made me realize how everyone working there was in fact a peacemaker. Even though our help was like a drop in the ocean, most of the time it is that drop that makes all the difference.

At first, Dar-ul-Sakoon began as another sociable excuse to meet friends, but It's only when I stood in that shaded courtyard amongst the shunned, their baleful eyes staring back at me. That I felt all their pain, their suffering, and in that moment I understood, clearer than ever before, why I stood there. It was not to rake up hours of voluntary service or to meet up with my friends; It was those eyes that drew me back, the need to give them something that they may have never had before, watch hope spring from their dark pools. It was the sense of elation I felt each time I was able to make them smile that made me return again and again.

This very community service made me realize how gifted we are, yet how thankless. Just the very look on their faces taught me great humility, gratitude, and contentment for what we have and our responsibility to devote time and money to serve such humanity who have hearts and feelings much similar to ours. I grew stronger just by seeing them content in their empty world, and more importantly, realized how no amount of money could have bought the happiness I felt while helping them; my salary was the smile on their face, the strength of their spirit, but most of all, their determination to try and lead normal lives.

please leme know your thoguhts?, any content improvements i can add... or any grammar errors?

Undergraduate / 'one's self is through discovery' - EMORY supplement [4]

1) Many students decide to apply to Emory University based on our size, location, reputation, and yes, the weather. Besides these valid reasons as a possible college choice, why is Emory University a particularly good match for you?

They say college is the first big step one takes into "real life". Reading through countless articles and meticulously researching different colleges that reflect me as an individual, my cursor eventually made its ways to Emory University.

As I delved deeper I learned that there was more to Emory than just its size, reputation, and location. It was about providing students "the perfect Emory experience". One of the many reasons why life at Emory appeals to me is the rich cultural and ethnic diversity. I believe this is a vital ingredient in any successful University. This coupled with the wide array of groups and extracurricular activities present will help me locate people with similar interests and integrate easily into society. The student faculty ratio of 7:1 is another reason why Emory is particularly a good match for me; it will allow me to gain personalized attention and by working closely with my professors, develop a close bond. The crucial element that transformed my view of Emory into a vision of opportunity was a friend who is a current student at your University. His stories about campus life and the invaluable experience Emory provided him captivated me, and largely shaped my decision to apply to your renowned institution.

I strongly believe that the only way of knowing one's self is through discovery. Self-discovery, and I believe Emory will offer me a chance to do just that. An education from this University will enable me to gain knowledge within and outside the classroom. I look forward to taking full advantage of these opportunities and making the most of my experience by attempting to delve deeper, learn more, experience and live.

grammatical help, anything you feel i can add?, critiques?

Undergraduate / University of Illlinois (academic interests vs professional goals) [4]

ESSAY #1: In an essay of 300 words or less, write about how your personal or academic interests relate to your intellectual or professional goals.

It was the initial study of Economics in my O level years that drew me towards it, the way I was able to relate to it and how it explained everyday occurrences like exchange rates, rising oil prices and unemployment. Economics was around me, integrated in every part of life and the very solution to most of life's problems.

In my A levels I chose History and Sociology on the one hand to bolster my analytical skills, while Business Studies and Economics on the other as they complemented each other and furthered my interest in this area. These subjects not only taught me skills such as comparative analysis, but also provided me with a solid foundation to build my future on as an Economist.

However, the experience and skills I have gained have not solely been derived from within the 4 walls of a classroom, but also outside it.
In the six years I have played football, I have missed about a dozen open goal chances or game-winning penalties. I have failed over and over again, yet it has taught me something of great value. Be it career or football, the fear of failure must not make us averse to new challenges. This very game instills in us qualities such as teamwork, leadership, and determination, all of which are vital components of a successful Economist. Football requires us to always be aware of our surroundings; in much the same way Economics needs us to always be aware of current market conditions.

Playing Chess regularly has made me realize the importance of being able to read your opponents mind and predict his next move. This broad thinking can be applied to Economics as well. To be a successful Economist, you must predict changes in the economy and in accordance alter your strategy to gain an advantage, a concept commonly known as the "Game Theory".

Also, while making Graphic Designs as a pastime, I acquired creativity. Something I plan to base my entire career on.
As I strive to be a successful Economist, the various skills and insight I have gained both within and outside the classroom will aid me as I attempt to delve deeper, learn more, experience, and live.

please help me with my grammar and punctuation any critique is welcome.