Posts by esther3095

esther3095

Nov 21, 2012

Undergraduate / "You can do it" - constructive criticism for my UC personal statement [4]

Your essay is really touching :)
But I think you're right, you need to add a little bit more about yourself in the last paragraph and maybe explain how you will help people? Or if you can, relate it to your possible major. Like if you want to be a nurse or something, you can tie that in with helping people. But you don't have to.

Also there was a sentence or two were you had two different tenses.

esther3095

Nov 21, 2012

Writing Feedback / US government to cease funding the NASA [10]

I get exactly where your essay is going and what your stance is, which is really good.
There were a lot of small grammatical mistakes in it though so you might want to re-read it or have someone help you with it.

For example: It is a dream come true for the researchers who get a chance to work in NASA as this will boost their practical knowledge of space.

There were also a few run on sentences, but other than that your sentences looked fine.

esther3095

Nov 21, 2012

Writing Feedback / US government to cease funding the NASA [10]

Yeah
There were a few like

1.)Beyond doubt, the issue of homelessness and poverty are important and should be taken with utmost importance.

2.)First, NASA has implemented a number of innovative ideas which have created good business that cannot be overlooked.

3.)To add, NASA is indirectly supporting poverty by creating jobs

4.) we must also look into the other side where NASA has created jobs

5.)involved with their areas of interest, thereby giving the poor a chance to study

There was a run on sentence near the ending paragraphs too, but I can't seem to find it at the moment.

Hope this helped a little bit more

esther3095

Nov 21, 2012

Undergraduate / 'Life of an artist' - UT Austin Topic D Essay [3]

Your essay is really great, and your conclusion is really powerful.

You answered the questions well and I really understand why you are interested in those fields of study.

I only have one minor thing: Although you say you had to walk around your apartment complex, and I feel like this is too small to change your views on Arlington as a whole. You might want to say 'around the block' because it seems like a larger scope. It seems like you could get little pieces of Arlington whereas an apartment complex is too sanctioned off.(Your apartment complex might be big and outdoors, I don't know, but it seems too restricted)

esther3095

Nov 22, 2012

Undergraduate / "Fall seven times, stand up eight" - UC application prompt #1 [6]

Hi

Your essay is good but there are too many elements to it.

I think you should try to narrow it down to one element, and how that part of your life has shaped your dreams.

For example you could focus on cheerleading and seeing the doctor while tying it back to hard work.
I feel like I'm reading your whole life story with only some parts relating how they shaped your dreams. I feel like the part about your sister could probably be left out (without taking out the proverb), and the part of middle school can be left out.

You need to focus on your goals and aspirations more.
Ultimately it's your decision.
I hope that helped.

esther3095

Nov 22, 2012

Undergraduate / 'Jewish athletes' - Apply Texas: A person who has influenced you .... Aly Raisman [3]

Hi!

I really like your essay and how you use her actions to show a change in yours. I would have to agree with the comment above that there is not enough of you and your change in mindset. You're also not starstruck, which is good. You also clearly show how your actions reflect all the things she has "taught" you, which is a really strong point of this essay.

[Also, if it's not too much, would you mind helping me on mine? I answered the same prompt. Thank you]

esther3095

Nov 22, 2012

Undergraduate / 'I call her Wonder woman' - someone who has made an impact on your life [4]

Hello ^_^

I liked your essay although I thought it lacked a little bit of you. You wrote a lot about your grandmother and her attributes, but you kind of forgot to include how your actions have changed or how you as a whole have changed.

Also, you might want to include an example of a lesson she taught you while you were out on your adventure.

The third paragraph is great because it shows how you sort of changed and developed with the help of your grandmother, but I think you need to do this a little more in your second and fourth paragraph.

I think your description ("every day is a battle for her because fighting cancer at 78 years old along with asthma, diabetes, and a heart defibrillator is something only a wonder woman can do.") in the fourth paragraph should go in the first paragraph, to serve as a more concrete introduction. If you put her description at the end, it makes this essay more about her and less about you.

"All the years we shared that we were inseparable, made it even harder to leave her by herself in her house right after the death of her son, and move 1500 miles away." this sentence is a bit wordy, but it's good because it sets up your next paragraph.

"~~Of course~~ I called her every day, just so I could talk to her. she would ask me in her low, raspy voice if I had "crossed my legs in my skirt at school" and remembered to "say please and thank you". This is just a suggestion of how you could rewrite this.

" On ~~Sunday's~~ Sundays" Small error here.

I hope that helped!

[Also, I hope you wouldn't mind helping me edit my essay. Thank you!]

esther3095

Nov 22, 2012

Undergraduate / 'Waiting for a complete recovery' - UC statement # 2 response [4]

Hi!

So far, you have not answered the question of "What about this quality or accomplishment makes you proud and how does it relate to the person you are?"

I think that your ending should be a direct answer to this question. You should say that you went through the surgery. Then add a sentence or two about the result. Most importantly explain why you are proud you went through this surgery and what you can accomplish now (assuming you had good results). Add in sentences about how you have changed in the eyes of others and how this has shaped who you are now. Note any changes in your personality from before. Maybe you were a little sullen a little drawn back, but after the surgery you have gained confidence? Include that sort of change.

Lastly, I think you should make the first part of your essay shorter because it's taking a while to get to the point of what your experience was and how it made you proud. I think that the answer to the question should be the biggest part of your essay.

I hope that helped!

[I hope you don't mind helping me with my essay too. Thank you!]

esther3095

Nov 22, 2012

Undergraduate / 'Sheltered / Children shop for school' - University of British Columbia prompts [NEW]

*Required
Explain how you responded to a significant challenge that you have encountered and what you learned in the process. (maximum 200 words

I have been helped and sheltered all my life. The summer of sophomore year I worked for a month in a highly touristic cafĂŠ in France. While I was at the cafĂŠ, I had no parents or friends there for me to lean on. I faced challenges such as homesickness, handling occasional angry customers, and being in charge of myself. I was the only sixteen year old in a crew of twenty-five to forty year olds. It pushed me to become more mature and self- reliant. There was a specific incident in which I spilled a bottle of Coca-Cola. Before my time as a waitress, I would have waited for help or consolation. That was when I quickly realized that I was on my own. Nobody would help me because it was expected that I could manage myself, as a fully working adult. I quickly went to clean the mess and fix the damage done without second-guessing myself or asking my supervisors. It made me realize that I have become self reliant and responsible for all my actions.

Tell us about an experience, in school or out, that caused you to rethink or change your perspective. What impact has this had on you? (maximum 200 words)

I volunteered for a day with a non-profit organization to help children shop for back to school. During the time we were shopping, Miguel set his eyes on an Angry Birds shirt. I told him that we had a budget but we could come back and get it if we had enough of money left over. At the cash register my heart dropped as they announced we were fifteen dollars over. Miguel was clearly trying to hide his disappointment. In that heart-wrenching moment I realized that this was probably not the first time Miguel had had his heart shattered by something he couldn't have. Not only did it make me thankful for what I have, but it made change my perspective on my decision making. Miguel was capable of letting it go, and it made me realize that sometimes I have to be able to make decisions based on what I need and not what I want. It now impacts the choices I make for myself by reminding me to choose what is best for me even if it may not be what I want.

Describe your most significant leadership experience. Why do you consider this your most significant role? (maximum 200 words)

My most significant role as a leader was when I had to train two new volunteers at the hospital. It was my first time training alone and I had never trained two people at one time. I had the sole responsibility of teaching them well and taking initiative in telling them what to do. I also received the burden of being responsible for their training and their safety as well as the patients' safety who were unknowingly used in the training. I think it was significant in that I was able to come out of my shell and tell them exactly what to do with confidence. I knew I had to step up because no one would be there to help me. I was the leader and these two trainees looked up to me for everything. It was significant in that it helped me assert myself and it eased me into becoming a leader.

Describe your most significant group work experience including the role you played and your contributions. (maximum 200 words)

My junior year our biology class was investing in a project to help complete the international DNA barcoding database. As a group, we had to be able to code the Sebastes rock fish, but our roles as individuals were crucial. Within this group of thirty students, we were each assigned specific roles. I played a part in pipetting very precise amounts of mixer and enzymes in the test tubes to help cut the DNA . Although these contributions were seemingly small, my work helped to set the groundwork for the future analyses of the DNA. I brought a key component to the table and helped with the progression of the project. I took my role very seriously and did not allow myself to slip up for the sake of the group. Although the role I played was significant, it would not have been meaningful without the whole group effort.

*Any help is appreciated, thank you!

esther3095

Nov 24, 2012

Undergraduate / 'cutting off all support and help' - UTA ESSAY B [5]

"I want to die." My best friend told me, completely serious.
My first thought was "why?" Why would someone so beautiful, intelligent, and talented want to die? I asked her if she had been bullied, if school was stressing her out, or if she was having any problems in her family, the answer was no to each of these questions. She told me she was simply depressed, but that lately it had gotten so bad that she tried to kill herself the other night by overdosing on pills. I was scared, unsure of what to say, I just told her not to worry, that her depression would pass. During the day I tried avoiding her out of fear of saying something that would make her depression worse, and at night I would cry myself to sleep. I simply did not understand what depression was. Once I started talking to her again, I got frustrated. Why couldn't she snap out of it? Everyone has bad days.

What I didn't realize was that I was stigmatizing her. It is an issue that I faced on day-to-day basis. I didn't mean to alienate her, but I had no way of coping with her illness because I did not understand it. I badly wanted to help but I had no way of doing so I slowly grew distant from her. It was out of my control, and seemingly out of hers, so I found myself gradually pushing her away.

This issue is significant to not only me, but to our whole generation. In generations past, people with mental illnesses were often cast aside and stigmatized because they were not understood. It is important that we lend our hands to these people and help them because they are not their illness. People who are depressed are not always moody or suicidal, and it's important for others to see past this image that society has given depression. My failure to comprehend her led me to cast her aside, cutting off all support and help. I feel like my generation has not gotten educated enough about mental illnesses, and we tend to avoid them.

*Any comments/edits are greatly appreciated!

*Please tell me how I should end this essay. Thank you!

esther3095

Nov 24, 2012

Undergraduate / UC Prompt one "Coping with Life" "Describing my future dreams and past experiences [3]

I really enjoyed reading your essay and it made me laugh out loud at some points, but I don't know how admissions is going to see this.

They might be really pleased or really unimpressed.

I think that only your last paragraph actually answers the question, which is the most important part. You might want to give a small preview of it in the first paragraph or so, so that admissions doesn't get tired or bored.

I also don't really see how the the stuff in your third paragraph has helped to at least give you some idea of where you're going in life. Because the whole idea is how has your past shaped your future, and I get a feeling that all you're saying is you lost your past and can't recover it. Maybe you can say: "By losing my past, I was able to look towards the future and find other things that inspired me." It would serve as a transition for your fourth paragraph, in which you talk about the things that you like to do (that aren't necessarily religiously based) that can possible send you in a certain direction.

I hope that helped! Good luck!

[I hope you wouldn't mind looking at my essay. Thank you! ^^]

esther3095

Nov 24, 2012

Undergraduate / 'My musical performance' - UC Personal Statement #2 Critique [3]

Nice descriptions!

I think your last paragraph needs expanding.
You need to relate it more to your persona, and you need to make it your quality. It seems like you're talking about the music's quality is what brings people together. But you should change it you, and how you use music to bring people together.

It just needs more about you specifically, not just musicians or music in general.

Hope that helped!

esther3095

Nov 24, 2012

Undergraduate / 'My college search' - Who or what influenced you to apply to Syracuse University [2]

Your essay is great, and the fact that you actually visited the campus gives you a lot of bonus points.
You gave a lot of examples of why it's the right fit, which is good.

To be able to study fashion ~~from~~in a great institution while staying on a beautiful campus is one of the main points that I dreamed of having in a college.

After talking with a couple of professors in the Fashion Design program and viewing the Design Warehouse, I know that Syracuse University is the right fit for me.<----why? expand this. What did the professors say that sparked your interest? Talk about their fashion design program a little more. Was there anything specific that drew you in? Or was it just the technology aspect?

Hope that helped! Good luck.

esther3095

Nov 24, 2012

Undergraduate / 'cutting off all support and help' - UTA ESSAY B [5]

moon05
Choose an issue of importance to you-the issue could be personal, school related, local, political, or international in scope-and write an essay in which you explain the significance of that issue to yourself, your family, your community, or your generation.

I am so sorry about that ><

esther3095

Nov 24, 2012

Undergraduate / 'The EducationUSA adviser' - answer to the Dickinson Supplement [7]

Hi!
How were you thinking of using the book?
You do a good job of answering the prompt, I don't think that you need to include the book in your essay.

There was one sentence I didn't really understand, and it was this one: "The method of measuring the speed of sound by creating resonance might not seem that complicated but still it's interesting!" It just kind of stood out to me and I think it needs rephrasing. Maybe to "The method of measuring the speed of sound by creating resonance ~~might not seem that complicated but still it's~~ is interesting!" Because if you add the part about it not seeming complicated, you are sort of belittling your own capabilities and interests, which you don't really want to do.

Hope that helped!