Posts by cback

cback

Nov 17, 2012

Undergraduate / 'club's advertisement / golf instruction' - UC transfer essays [6]

Remember, you're telling these colleges why they want you! If you offer a negative perspective of yourself, always make sure to present the more positive outcome afterwards! Your first essay struggles greatly with this. Avoid the textbook sentences like "Marketing can offer me a broad range of options for my future and unifies my interest in communications, behavioral psychology, and mathematics."

"When I was young, my father started up his on printing company and my aunt was the head of the US division for her company. During my middle school and high school years, my mother had been involved in the food business. All my life, I have always been surrounded by business. So it was only natural for me to be steered in that direction when choosing my major."

While it can add to your essay, you want to avoid juvenile descriptions like "So it was only natural for me to be steered in that direction when choosing my major. ", this is about you, not about your parents or relatives. You need to input WHY you want this major. You mention you have an interest, why is that? Were you curious, did you enjoy the feeling of selling things or convincing someone to buy, did you see your parents make a big sale or crunch numbers and you felt like you were watching something bigger behind the scenes? You also want to avoid the autobiography, as it sounds very generic. If this was a story, we still don't know anything about the character where we could choose him from a line up. Provide a unique memory or experience. If you don't have any from your childhood that pertain to business, that's ok! There's no need to lie to make up a story.

"Last year, I applied under an accounting major for several UCs. While I was being considered, I continued my accounting studies at De Anza . Although I was rejected, I realized in that time, I had not much interest or talent for accounting." I don't understand what use the middle sentence brings to your essay, all I see it do is provide filler. Think about it this way, would leaving this give you an advantage or a disadvantage?

"I do not have much experience in the field of marketing or economics though . I just have a huge interest in these fields." There is no reason for you to put in that first sentence, all it does is hurt your credibility! Why point out your lack of experience? Focus on your strengths instead!

Look at the difference between your first essay and your second one. It seems like you have a big passion for golfing, as your second essay seems a lot more personal, I can begin to imagine who you are, while your first essay is very monochrome and robotic.

cback

Nov 17, 2012

Undergraduate / 'club's advertisement / golf instruction' - UC transfer essays [6]

By the way, I also go to De Anza, you might want to check out the Essay Writing workshops they hold, or one of the transfer workshops, as they have a lot of advice that can help you succeed.

Major things though, make a rough draft to gather a list of all your examples before constructing your essay.

1) Characteristics that the major requires
2) Qualities/experiences/knowledge that you have
3) What do lists 1 & 2 have in common? This makes you a good candidate
4) What characteristics do you have that the major does not usually have that it should have? This separates your from other applicants
(ranked in order of importance)
a. Direct work or internship experience in your major-
b. Work or internship experience not directly in your major but indirectly related
c. Extracurricular activities directly in your major
d. Extracurricular activities not directly in your major
e. Activities with friends, family, etc.

5) Each paragraph should have one main example, which highlights at least one characteristic about yourself (like the traits from list 3 or 4)

6) Use descriptive language, strong and active verbs, while not being an obvious thesaurus abuser. You want to avoid narrow narratives of discovery like "it was at that moment where I decided I'd be an econ major," but instead of "This time around, I am trying to get into marketing or economics ," try out "Slowly I was trudging towards the end of my General Education, tearing my hair out at whether I should continue pursuing a business major, or to cut my losses and try out a new subject. After scouring ratemyprofessor and seeking council from the wisdom of my Facebook friends, I registered myself for Macroeconomics with Professor Singh. ." If you can, give every person in your story a name, this helps flesh them out and give a sense of reality.

"This was a regular Econ class, but I didn't understand why I'd be racing to sit in the front, why I would constantly jot down every piece of information, why I was so dedicated in this class. Ever so gradually, I was able to relate the practices learned in class to real life, with issues regarding unemployment or the fiscal cliff being things I heard of vaguely in the news. My understanding of economics began to decode the business jargon I'd hear when listening to National Public Radio or CNN, and I found myself paying closer attention to the world around me."

This is by no means a perfect example, but do you see what I mean by fleshening it out? You want to make the whole thing personal and relatable to you.

cback

Nov 18, 2012

Undergraduate / 'A Filipino-German from a traditional village' - Transfer Essay for UC Personal [6]

I read that if you have a negative experience or anything, to make sure to turn that experience in to a strength or show your improvement so you don't sell yourself short. Hopefully I've succeeded through this essay, but please let me know if you find any way to improve it, or if I should fix it!

Tell us about a personal quality, talent, accomplishment, contribution or experience that is important to you. What about this quality or accomplishment makes you proud and how does it relate to the person you are? - 482 words

I rest my head upon my hand, and feel the sunken scar running down my brow, still being able to notice the soft contrast of flesh in a place where hair should lie. It's been 12 years since my brother and I were assaulted when we were living in Erlangen, a small village on the outskirts of Germany, but the pink protrusions of my old wounds help me remember as if it was yesterday. The choir consisting of my assailants still resonates, the chanting of "Kinese, Kinese, du bist nicht Deutsch," which means "Chinese, Chinese, you are not German," ever faintly drumming in the background during moments of insecurity. So why would I be proud of the fact, that neither my elder brother nor I could defend our bodies, as an onslaught of stones riddled us with gashes, and a near-infinite stream of verbal abuse shattered our egos? It's because I continued on. My family moved away from this "traditional" village, and we lived on my Oma's farm, where I was homeschooled, until my Dad received the chance of a lifetime: a job offer in America. The news was so exciting, I only knew the village and farm life, and to be around people that weren't German, maybe even people like me, the fact that I could go to a school once more; this was my chance at a new beginning! But when I immigrated to America, my English was rougher than my scabbed knees, and I struggled with pronunciation words combined alongside a thick German/Tagalog accent. Kids asked me "what's wrong with your voice?" and I would be so confused, because I didn't see anything wrong with my voice, that's how I was raised to talk! I constantly felt alone wherever I went, as my physical phenotype wasn't welcome in Germany, and my social skills conflicted with the norm in America. Life was solitary and depressing, until I entered high school. That was when I realized that the world stretched beyond the small neighborhood in San Jose where I lived. There were students who spoke multiple languages with accents, other immigrants like me that associated with others without being ostracized! I slowly began to realize that what defines someone isn't the color of my skin or the nuances in my voice, but what mattered was that I accepted who I was, and that I was happy about it. Ever since that epiphany, I firmly believe that I can contribute any other quality, whether it's initiative or even enthusiasm towards the unknown, to the sole philosophy of having confidence in my character. I feel my scars, with a new tinge. I don't see them with a filter of pain and failure; I carry them with an effervescent swagger that radiates alongside my actions, as through my struggles, I have become the person who I am today, and I'm damn proud of that.

--

A bit of things I'm worried about:
1) I'm a Filipino-German, and in the essay, my assailants called me 'Chinese Chinese' because to them, they didn't know the difference, we were all small eyed people. I'm not sure whether that is understood how it is right now, or if I should make that more clear.

2) Using the word 'damn', I'm using it for emphasis, but not sure if it's too strong or too harsh of a word.
3) I'm a bit uncertain whether or not this whole essay is a bit too broad in the whole "what quality makes you proud or how does it relate to the person you are" department.

4) Does 'effervescent swagger' seem awkward? I meant to say that I carry it not ostentatiously or with arrogance, but i don't go to any lengths to hide them, but it's not like I feel like they're invisible or not there, it's just something I'm not ashamed of, something that I remember the meaning of and don't take for granted.

cback

Nov 18, 2012

Undergraduate / 'family of accountants / Not knowing my dreams' - UCs#1 - My dreams and aspirations [6]

An issue I see with both of your essays are that you start to write a biography about yourself, like a little timeline. It's ok to draw upon your experiences, but when it becomes

at age ten, i did x
at age twelve, i wanted to x
at age fourteen, i believe in x

It's a little cookie cutter, kinda generic. It's good to be honest, because you want to stand out. They don't care about what your parents did, that make your essay seem juvenile, which is a big no-no. Although the influence of your family is alright to mention, it matters what you want, because you don't want to give off the vibe of "I'm doing accounting because that's what everyone in my family does." You start listing a bunch of reasons why accounting is practical, that's unnecessary, they already know what accounting is.

Although it may seem like a boring major, accounting is actually very practical. It's not restricted by industry, economy, location, etc. For example, every business, no matter how small, needs an accountant to set up bank accounts, manage business expenses, generate financial statements, and file tax returns.

This sounds so textbook, you're trying to hard. Say why it interests YOU. Is it because you've always been drawn to the behind-the-scenes of business life? Or maybe you've always wanted to be the puppeteer helping businesses move, similar to the wonders of a dismantled clock?

From your first essay, I barely know anything about you, as you talk a lot about your parent's exploits and success, but what about your own? I understand that it asks what world you came from, but bear in mind that it asks how it shaped you. Focus more on how all those things affected you, what was your point of view, instead of relaying all this factual information that anyone can look up.

Your second essay speaks to me greatly. It has a lot of potential, and it's sad to see it wither away at the end. I feel like you're trying to be honest but your parents are kinda doing the strict-asian-parent thing. Notice the passion at which you wrote about the blisters when you wanted to be a ballerina, the cheerful practices of choir. That sort of imagery and personality is something important, because that's the kind of thing that will remain in their heads. Don't sell yourself short by saying "my parents want something I don't want," if you ever write something negative, be sure to follow it up with a positive statement, or how you improved.

I recommend you work on both of them, and really try to paint a better image of yourself. You're trying to show the school who you are, not sell to them why they should add another accountant.

cback

Nov 18, 2012

Undergraduate / Common App Essay 200-500 Words [4]

You're listing too many awards, and the image of your grandmother becomes lost among them. Paint your essay with more detailed examples, use specific names to bring characters to life, or even just titles (her principal, her dorm mother, etc.)

How did she influence you? Give a specific example correlating to your grandmother. Your answer was extremely vague and open-ended, sounds as if you chose someone impressive in your family line and attached a Disney moral at the end.

You mentioned she could reach people nobody else could, give an example of that! How did she touch someone else's life? How did it affect you? What was the contrast in your life from when you didn't know her to after her influence took over?

cback

Nov 18, 2012

Undergraduate / Stanford essey "what matters to you"; Music - my avid obsession [8]

The distinctive sound of a needle dropping on vinyl made a quick appearance then vanished in the place of overbearing silence.

This sounds a bit awkward to me.

Maybe try The distinctive sound of needle dropping on vinyl made a brief blip on my audial radar/font]?

The sustained quietness amplified the sense of anticipation

I feel like the word silence would provide better alliteration and word flow without being too corny.

The sustained silence amplified the sense of anticipation

maybe even throw in

as my ears anxiously awaited the note meant to pierce the lack of sound.

And then, it started.

Might just be my own preference, but sounds a little boring to me.

Try: And then, an E. (or whatever note is played) or With the slight crackle of a powered up amp, the first chord rung.

Your sentence afterwards is beautiful imagery, except

state of incessant and vigorous bobbing.

I personally see the word bobbing to be something more passive, so it looks a little weird with those adjectives modifying it. Maybe try

state of tumultuous grooving and rhythmic head-swaying (or maybe headbanging?)

Robert Plant's incensed wailing gave us both that euphoric feeling it had the first 100 time we had listened to it.

I think you meant to use the word incessant ?

Although no words were being exchanged between us both my dad and myself sense exactly what each other is feeling.

You forgot a comma between us and both, but this also sounds a bit lengthy.

Maybe:

My father's eyes met mine, and with a firm nod, we both knew that this euphoric feeling was mutual.

Fortunately for me, I had a dad that was extremely knowledgable regarding this genre of music.

Fortunately for me, my dad was the go-to aficionado for this genre of music.

The music had an equalising effect on us.

The music brought us to an emotional equilibrium of melodic serenity.

Read over your essay, there are a lot of places where you're missing a comma or a space.
However, I do like where you're going with this! You made it really personal, which is good!

Ahh ok just read that this is your first draft, well done! You forgot to put the prompt though, so I'm not sure what it's supposed to answer.

cback

Nov 18, 2012

Undergraduate / USF essay; having some trouble with the jesuit catholic tradition [2]

People always ask me why I want to be a nurse.

This is too boring. You need to grab attention with your first sentence, something that makes the reader want to keep reading. Find the crux of your whole essay, and inject it in the beginning, then slowly build the rest of your essay up to it.

You have a lot of personal and detailed examples and stories, which is good, because it provides a specific picture and account of yourself so the reader gets to know more about you! Using specific names or titles like "Cuesta College" is a good thing as well, as it helps cement the fact that this is a real school rather than the bland generic "in my college".

USF is a jesuit school, so maybe start by writing down the qualities and characteristics stated in the mission statement of the school, and then listing down your qualities, and seeing what matches. Incorporate those qualities in your essay, touching upon both sides.

cback

Nov 18, 2012

Undergraduate / Essay on how the asian youth culture impact on their fashion designers. [2]

You might want to check out Yell-Oh Girls by Vickie Nam. It's perfect for this essay if you can snag a copy online or something, but it talks about the issues Asian Americans face in the media, fashion being one of them, how the eurocentric model of fashion ignored other ethnicities, and how various other Asians revolted in their own ways.

cback

Nov 18, 2012

Undergraduate / 'Sailing and the Queen's Cup' - UC application's second [5]

Great opening sentence!

I understand what you're trying to do with the triple "it is taking" thing, but maybe change the last one to a different structure to avoid repetition, maybe something like

"Providing direction through the raw wind and water of nature perpetuates my need to sail, my need to keep living " (although that might be a bit extreme.)

I am so proud of our crew of 10 for placing fourth in our division.

Specify what division, names and titles help cement the story in to reality.

I am so proud of our crew of 10 for placing fourth in the junior division .
I am so proud of our crew of 10 for placing fourth in the Central Coast Sectionals division.

I know that I am a person worth depending on and I feel that I proved my weight helping my crew through the Queen's Cup.

"I feel that I" sounds reluctant (maybe just to me), but use stronger verbs!

I know that I am a person worth depending on and proving my weight by helping my crew through the Queen's Cup only strengthens my resolve. (or along those lines)

Great essay though, good imagery and specific examples and details, both of yourself and your environment!

cback

Nov 18, 2012

Undergraduate / College essay for UC Schools-parental health problems [2]

I love it.

Despite a few grammatical errors such as missing commas which you can solve with a slow proof-read, I find this essay grand! You painted vivid imagery, avoided cliches, drew upon personal examples and used your parents without making the essay about your parents, still focusing on yourself. I find this almost perfect!

Only criticism, I'm not sure whether the separation of the conclusion is the best idea. You might just want to make it flow together with your whole essay, but if you don't want to, I think it can work too, it just suddenly takes the reader out of the story and plunges them back in to the mindset of "oh yeah this is an essay for college I'm reading".

cback

Nov 18, 2012

Undergraduate / 'My forbidden biological father' - Common App Essay - Topic of your choice. [12]

This is an amazing essay, powerful story and great vivid imagery! The lunch part is a bit ambiguous, maybe contrast it more with the way you behave?

I don't understand how any of this
Thirty minutes to drop off my papers for teachers, interview the campus aid, print out lab notes, stop by the counseling office and finally, grab lunch with friends. At times there is no indication of a clear path, however my determination urges me to push onward. I've learned to bypass those in my way, keeping my eyes focused on the goal. At the end of the day, I feel invincible.

has to do with your identity. It doesn't tell me anything about who you are, besides that you're swamped during school but you keep on grinding.

People tell me I walk with purpose.Shoulders back. Chest leveled. Head high. Eyes looking straight ahead. In a sea of students racing for the cafeteria, lunch time is my greatest battle. I hoist my backpack as I maneuver through the crowd.

I love this whole bit, but the first part bugs me. It's a cliche, maybe try

Shoulders back. Chest leveled. Head high. Eyes looking straight ahead, as I brace for impact. In a sea of students racing for the cafeteria, lunch time is my greatest battle. I hoist my backpack as I maneuver through the crowd.

Or some other input of words that show what your body adjustments are all about.

cback

Nov 18, 2012

Undergraduate / 'A Filipino-German from a traditional village' - Transfer Essay for UC Personal [6]

Hmm, maybe I should replace it with I carry them with an internal justice or internal pride
But if I say internal pride, it might be redundant with the and I'm damn proud of that ..

Alright, I'll stick to that then!

And alright, I think I'll add in the second portion of what you said, that I was Filipino not Chinese, but to them, there was no distinction; I was different.

Thank you!

cback

Nov 18, 2012

Undergraduate / Stanford essey "what matters to you"; Music - my avid obsession [8]

Nah man, I think it's fine. Your car sets the perfect brief environment for it, it's a great sub-point that still relates the main message of the topic.

So you're saying that music matters to you, because it helps you connect with everyone?

Try sending your essay around to others who don't know the prompt, and if they can guess what your thesis or purpose statement is (for example: "Music matters to me because it helps me bond with my father and friends" or something) then you've got a winner!

If not, it might seem a little messy, but I personally think this essay is a winner.

cback

Nov 18, 2012

Undergraduate / 'club's advertisement / golf instruction' - UC transfer essays [6]

You just copy and pasted my examples, I don't really see much of a change.. -_-

My growing interest in these fields led me to working toward a more attractive application.

I'd take this whole sentence out. Unless I'm interpreting it incorrectly, you're saying that your growing interest in economics and marketing led to you working towards a better college app? That doesn't have anything to do with the prompt.

This quarter, I joined the Circle K club and because it is the start of the school year, my club is starting to design their club shirts and I offered to help out.

Wooo okay a lot going on here that you need to clean up. Use strong active verbs! This sounds so boring and vapid, like something you'd write as a detention essay.

try something in the vein of
To strengthen my commitment in marketing, I designed representative uniforms for 'Circle K', De Anza's community service club. (idk what kind of club it is, I just guessed.)

I thought that this could help develop my interest in the marketing field ; after all, the club shirts are fundamentally apart of a club's advertisement.

Stop saying "I thought " if it's something you agree with! Saying 'I thought ' makes you sound uncertain, be strong and firm! Also, you forgot the space in a part.

The process of brainstorming t-shirt ideas made me realised (realize ) how important teamwork is in this field of work. (are you sure you want to say this? It was only at this moment that you realized team work was important? Sounds a bit cheesy. I'd reword this to you saying how you found the value of teamwork or how seeing the synergy of everyone made you feel at home)

Growing our concept was easier when we bounce ideas off one another rather than pondering about it solo. (YES! Good sentence!)

Gradually, I gained confidence from the positive feedback given back to me . (Good, but I'd still like to see something stronger, don't be afraid to strut yourself a bit! It's okay to brag!)

From this basic social exercise, I became more outspoken. (sounds like a filler sentence, combine this with another sentence)

I felt responsible for seeing the designing of the shirt through. (what? Either you're responsible for designing the shirt, or you're not. Saying you felt responsible for designing the shirt doesn't make sense.)

It was like the minute I showed interest in the club shirts, I was bound to an unwritten contract to the club. (Now you're making it seem like you don't want to be in the club. Unwritten contract sounds a bit too "Deal with the devil-y", try "There was something about the club that entranced me/mesmerized me/had me enamored in a state of awe/perpetual elation/determination as I produced the shirts."

I was able to balance this side project as well as keeping up with my school work.
Side project? You're selling yourself short again.. I understand you're trying to show that you can balance multiple things, but word it to show your strength instead of just a boring achievement. Maybe "Although I felt the pressure of homework, college apps, Circle K, and ___(idk what else you do), the fleeting glimpses of productivity rejuvenated my determination to work through any obstacle hindering my passion."

The club showed me I am capable of getting projects done when I set my mind to it.
Not sure if improper grammar or just awkward.
Maybe something along the lines of: "The club showed me that I'm capable of getting projects done"
Still might be a bad sentence, cus you're basically saying that you can only get things done when you focus, which gives off the vibe that usually you're lazy.

As for using my examples verbatim, I personally don't care , but I'd advise you against it . My style of writing and your style of writing don't match . It might make your essay seem messy and nonsensical if the two styles keep clashing against each other. Just take my advice, and extrapolate what I mean from my examples , but if you want to use them word-for-word, go ahead.

cback

Nov 18, 2012

Essays / Starting essay with the words shock, apathy, liberation? [8]

Dude what, this is not a stupid topic at all. Do you know how to write a 5 paragraph essay?

Split the essay in to 5 parts

Intro

Body (3)

Conclusion

Now dive in to the body

Thesis statement (technically end of intro)

Main point - Shock
Subpoint - concrete detail/evidence
Subpoint - commentary/your opinion

transition

Main point - Apathy
Subpoint - cd
Subpoint - cm

transition

Main point - Liberation
Subpoint - cd
Subpoint - cm

Shawshank Redemption is a great example, shock would be the initial culture shock of moving from family life to a prison, apathy is when the character gives up and doesn't care, Liberation is the freedom when he beats the system and escapes.

Do you know any movies where a character is put in to a new environment, gives up, and then overcomes his challenge?
Powerpuff Girl Movie, Avatar, Watchmen, Avatar the Airbender, there are so many examples in the media alone that you can draw from!

cback

Nov 18, 2012

Undergraduate / 'My forbidden biological father' - Common App Essay - Topic of your choice. [12]

Yes, the experience would be your estranged father and your relationship with him. The outcome of that experience is the strength of your own identity and own self. Although a bit dark and sad, this essay works.

Last bit of advice: Focus more on you. You have the imagery and the examples, but you need to write a little more on how your relationship affected you, like the before and after portion.

cback

Nov 19, 2012

Undergraduate / 'A Filipino-German from a traditional village' - Transfer Essay for UC Personal [6]

Does this fit the prompt of "Tell us about a personal quality, talent, accomplishment, contribution or experience that is important to you. What about this quality or accomplishment makes you proud and how does it relate to the person you are?"

Or does anyone else have any critique for me?

cback

Nov 19, 2012

Undergraduate / 'The Filipino paintings' - My UC application prompt #1 [4]

While you've listed very nice accolades and achievements, not once in the essay do you mention something specific , and while I know your environment, I still don't know anything about you. I know it's going to sound weird, but you want to stop treating this as like a "job qualifications list" where you list all your achievements, and instead delve more in to your life, mention something specific. I see that you've been exposed to many different cultures, talk about one of your experiences in one of those continents! They already have your list of grades and awards and achievements that you mentioned earlier in your application, this is the time where they get to know you personally!

For example
These expectations have also been present at school, where I participated in Key club, and on the soccer field, where I was JV captain, and a varsity player. These experiences have not only shaped the person I am today, but also the person I want to be in the future.

While they tell me you were in Key Club and a captain and player of the soccer team, it doesn't tell me anything about you personally, so even though I read these two sentences about you, my thoughts on you are still at the same place as before.

"Around my house, the authentic Filipino paintings give a strong sense of my Filipino culture. " is one of the strongest sentences you have in the essay, I suggest to build more off of it, expand!

"A small city surrounded by three highways, farmland, multiple housing developments, and with an official city motto of "think inside the triangle", is hardly where one would expect to find an aspiring orthopedic surgeon. However, these conditions, along with the support of my family, my cultures, and my unique personal experiences, have shaped me into a responsible, determined, and knowledgeable student and leader "

Again, all of this sounds like filler, it's way too general! Your beginning sentence is alright, but use it to base the rest of that chunk. Go more in depth about "think inside the triangle", about your aspirations to become a surgeon.

cback

Nov 19, 2012

Undergraduate / Prompt #1 for UC schools; 'Some people say to not overdue it' [5]

I always recommend to at least paste the prompt with your essay instead of putting Prompt #1, if you want more people to review your essay.

You have a good focus and balance between school and yourself, although i'd like to see more specific examples pertaining to you.
"Having older brothers to compete with me has made me want to do better in sports and school. I love sports and I hate seeing an athlete injured. Whenever I see an athlete injured I want to help them as much as I can. I feel helpless when I can't help an injured teammate because I don't know enough." is a great addition to your essay, and I think you might want to consider expanding more on that idea, replace some of the filler before it.

A lot of what you say before that portion sound very generic.

Some people say to not overdue it. To not over pack your schedule, and focus solely on one thing. But the thing is, I never listen to those people. Maybe that's my problem; I'm not a good listener.

This doesn't grab my attention at all. You're trying to hard to make a sassy remark, you can reword and compact this better.

But maybe it's not such a problem but a solution instead.
You already used the word maybe in the previous statement, don't be so unsure about yourself. Use a variety of stronger words. Even 'perhaps' could fit the mark.

I always do what I think is best for me. I fill my schedule with things I know will help me become a stronger person. I can't function without a plan, if I don't know where I'm going or what I want I will not make progress.

generic sentence..

I perform my best when I am challenged and have many responsibilities. As the youngest of four boys, I constantly competed with my older brothers. I tried to do everything my older brothers did but better; whether it was education or sports, I made sure I surpassed them in every aspect. Furthermore, these challenges that I faced at home carried on to school where I also competed with teammates and classmates so that I can be the best that I can be. I occupied myself with many sports and after school activities. Throughout my four years of high school I was involved in more than four varsity sports in a year and over six school clubs. I held positions in some of those clubs and I also participated in events from my AVID program. I did all of this while still playing for my club soccer team where I had to practice after my school's sports practice at least two times a week and had games every weekend. Concluding to my impacted schedule, it was important that I stayed on top of everything. Activities outside of school are always important to me but I made sure I was on top of my school work the whole time. All of this has strengthened my character and has made me into the hardworking and confident person I must be to become a success.

What you're doing here is listing off your achievements and what not, which isn't inherently bad, but it's boring. You don't have anything specific.

For example, imagine replacing "I did all of this while still playing for my club soccer team where I had to practice after my school's sports practice at least two times a week and had games every weekend."

with
"Juggling forty pages of AP History reading while I dribbled the ball away from the opposing team's striker, the pressure of winning only motivated me further to stay on top of my school work."

Also, fix the small grammatical errors with proof read.

I can't function without a plan, if I don't know where I'm going or what I want I will not make progress.

should be
I can't function without a plan. If I don't know where I'm going or what I want, I will not make progress.

cback

Nov 19, 2012

Undergraduate / 'The New Kid' - UC Personal Statement Prompt #2 [13]

GREAT! Good imagery, great specification, definitely fits the prompt! However, your conclusion needs much work. Your story is amazing, but the ending moral is a little too "and that's why i believe in myself," as if you threw that in there remembering the end of the prompt at the last minute. Maybe inject a little on how this affects you today?

Soon people in my school started accepting me not as a small Asian, but who I really am.
Who are you? Describe that person a little!

By observing (observing is a very passive verb, use something stronger) the change I have created, I gained a confidence (boring) that I could overcome greater adversities that I would face in the future.

As a result, I learned to cope with greater issues that I faced in my life. Boring closer, maybe try something with a little more sting and personality, this just rehashes what you said.

Soon people in my school started accepting me, not as a small Asian, but as a teammate, one of their own.
By utilizing the change I have created, I gained a sempiternal confidence which propels me to success. As a result, I learned to resist against greater issues with thick skin and forward-looking eye, and I learned how to kick ass in soccer on the side. (ok, maybe change that to "and I learned how to play a little soccer on the side", but I think that little burst of spunk might be nice.)

cback

Nov 19, 2012

Undergraduate / UC essay; 'My beginnings were humble' - Describe the world you come from [4]

Traditionally, Indians aim for the highest, be it education, business or sport. Hailing from such a background, I am no exception.

I understand what you're trying to do, but honestly, this sounds cocky and puts me off. Up to you if you want to leave it or not.

Ever since middle school, I had developed a fascination towards physics and computers. What happened in middle school that made you develop this fascination? Use that to replace this sentence. Don't turn it in to a sudden discovery or infatuation (i.e. "When I saw the monitor turn on for the first time, that's when I knew I was going to become a computer science major. ") but utilize that wonder! ("I was drawn to the flickering of the first monitor I encountered, countless lines of red blue and green, working seamlessly together to create new combinations." )

Despite going through desolate times in early high school, whereupon my grades took a dip for the worse, my parents always stood by my side, helping, soothing and supporting me. With tremendous support from all sides, I slowly found myself being rescued from the seemingly bottomless abyss which I had gotten myself into. My passion for Computers and Physics grew stronger as time passed. With a resurgence of grades in the final year of school, coupled with achieving a personal best in computers.

You have a detailed example in there waiting to happen. While you have a good story, it's lost in your mediocre explanation. Reflect on what those desolate times were, call upon the tremendous support, write the specifics down! Let the reader know what brought you down, and what subsequently brought you back up! What rescued you! How did your passion go stronger, did you see the inside of a computer and it just clicked, what happened! How did your grades resurge back up, did you look in the mirror and decide it's crunch time, did your parents get upset and it affected you, what happened? You can use this turning point to be a strong part in your essay!

cback

Nov 19, 2012

Undergraduate / Requesting Critiques for Essays to University of California, Berkeley [4]

We acknowledge that failure exists, that it is possible to fail ,

the triple failure thing starts to sound a bit redundant, maybe change it up to

We acknowledge that failure exists, that it is a constant possibility,
but never shall thoughts of complacency arise when failure has occurred.

but thoughts of complacency never arise when failure has occurred.

Of course , I recommend staying away from phrases that assume (i.e. Obviously, As you know, etc.) but again, that's up to taste.

we learn from our failures and we are not so far removed from the idea of failure If we learn from failure, we already understand it, making your second part just a rehashing. Re-word it. Maybe turn that double-negative around.

we learn from our failures to the point that our understanding of its purpose matches the prevalence of it's sensation.

We are simply driven.
Simply put, we are driven. (although you could change it back to lessen the word count, I feel as if this flows better rather than the double we.)

We ~~want to~~ strive to become the paragon of ourselves, our crafts, and our contributions (i like this part)

. And when (ehhhh you could start the sentence off better)

failure devours (you can think of better word choice, maybe something simple like weaken, or something unusual like discombobulate, but devour sounds too big.. maybe reduce? like reduces our efforts to null?) our efforts,

making them seem futile (i like this, unsure whether you should remove the 'seem' or not),

we become sad~~...and~~ (remove the ellipses, replace with an until)

until~~then~~ we realize that sadness is counterproductive and that we must strive again. (dust yourself off and try again, as Aaliyah once said. However, it does sound a little cold hearted and robotic.)

maybe try
until our sorrow washes away, with the tide of a new resolve ebbing and flowing gradually back in to our lives.

I'm going to stop here.

For your first essay, try to insert at least on specific example. You're utilizing your own personal philosophy, which is good and unique, but at the same time, the reader doesn't gain any sense of who you are.

I skimmed over your second essay, perfect. I love it! Try to insert that personality and life in to your first essay, while maintaining your philosophy!

cback

Nov 19, 2012

Undergraduate / UC Application Essay - "The sound of music" [4]

post your essay dood! and the prompt!