Undergraduate / Exodus to epiphany - Common App Essay! [17]

Hi guys,
I am not a great writer, so I have problems with coming up with good ideas, forming good phrases and maintaining flow.
I'm not done with the essay.
I need to elaborate on the conclusion.
Please could you guys help me by
1) Commenting on the overall focus of the essay
2) saying whether I revealed who I am and how i think like

While attending a history class lecture two years ago, I came across a photograph of an old man who had been shot on the battlefield. In the photo, he was captured in mid-fall with a rifle in his right hand. A few months later, I saw this image again, but in reality.

A man standing next to me collapsed as gunshots echoed through the parking lot. He was pale and his facial expression was tense while his arms and legs drooped down lifelessly as if he could not withstand gravity's pull. Screaming and crying, people ran to him as they pointed accusing fingers at the militant who had shot him. Some tried to retaliate against the gunman but failed, as other Gaddafi's soldiers bashed the bruised faces of the assailants with metal batons. Feeling threatened, my parents pulled me into the small airport building.

Inside, thousands of Egyptian migrant workers sat in uncomfortable positions wearing little more than their gray, unwashed wool blankets and dusty clothes as they waited for a plane to take them back home. To buy the ticket for their savior aircraft, they shared leftover water in bins and gave up food. In such a plight, the workers waited for more than two weeks to escape from the bloody wind of Arab Spring.

Ironically, instead of sending an aircraft to save its people, the Egyptian government lent a plane to the Korean government in exchange for money. A public servant, my father taught me that governments strive to protect their citizens. However, the workers, who are legitimate citizens of Egypt, were completely ignored, even betrayed by their government. If the government is the first one to abandon the less fortunate people, who can they rely on?

When I was walking to the gate for boarding procedure, I stopped and looked back at the Egyptians. Some were unconscious due to dehydration, some were praying to Allah, and some merely stared at me and other Koreans who were evacuating. Seeing the eyes of the workers, I could not take another step. I felt that I could have been the one in that abject situation, with all hopes crushed by the most trusted entity.

Pushed by the stampede of other Koreans trying to get on the plane, I boarded, and soon the plane departed for Cairo, Egypt. I believe that I owe the 20,000 Egyptians I saw that day, if only for the fact that I was able to fly to their homeland in comfort while they could not. Thus, I promised myself to establish an organization of my own to aid the ones whom the government fails to reach.

Before, I wanted a higher level of education just because of the perks it would bring. However, this eye-opening experience and my goal of life gave me a reason, the true motivation, for me to pursue an advanced level of education.

Undergraduate / Amherst Supplement - Overcoming difficult hardships [5]

Hi everyone, in the Amherst website, it says "we are looking for original, personal responses to these short excerpts. Remember that your essay should be personal in nature and not simply an argumentative essay."

I don't know whether I wrote as they asked me to. I wrote more like a personal experience that parallels to the prompt. Do you guys think I did as Amherst requires?

The prompt is ""Difficulty need not foreshadow despair or defeat. Rather achievement can be all the more satisfying because of obstacles surmounted."

Attributed to William Hastie, Amherst Class of 1925, first African-American to serve as a judge for the United States Court of Appeals"

"Hey Chiney! Open your eyes."
"Chiney you still coming to football? Betta quit hoss."
Another day in Trinidad began, with the usual welcome of its people. Their words became a part of my everyday life and assured me that this abysmal chasm between me and others would be irreparable.

The attitudes existed even on soccer pitches. When I missed shots, people came to ask me how I had managed to join the team with such incompetent skills. Whenever I received a pass, they tackled me unduly aggressively. Once, my classmate pushed me down and said "soccer ain't for tiny Chineys like you! You don't belong here."

One night, I laid on my bed to consider transferring to another school. Because I established myself in Trinidad for three months and could not see any signs of improvement, I was worried that this form of segregation would exist until I graduated. However, I thought that quitting everything would mean nothing more than surrendering myself to the racial segregation.

The next day after school, I headed to the tryout and participated in a game. As usual, when I threw my right arm up and signaled for a pass, my teammates ignored me. I therefore went to compete for the ball. I was pushed to and fro, but I also pushed them back. When I tackled and stole my opponent's ball, I took a shot immediately and watched it bend into the goal. After the game, teammates approached me and apologized for the mistreatment which had happened before. At that moment, I realized that I have toppled down the wall between me and my teammates. Overwhelmed in joy, I could not think of any other answer to their apologies besides giving a smile.

Letters / Cover letter! considering my Regular Decision application [2]

Dear Admission Officers of ____University,

My name is ______, a student of ______.
Because I could not attach certain files to my Common Application online due to technical problems, I have included those materials in this packet to supplement my application.

This is the list of items I have included in this mail:
ï- Secondary School Report with evaluation form and letter
ï- Transcript
ï- Two letters of recommendation with evaluation form
ï- School Profile

This is the list of items I have (and will have) completed online:
ï- Common Application with basic details and writing
ï- Supplements
ï- Payments

As soon as I have my testing scores and first semester grades updated, I will send score reports and the midyear report immediately.

My Common Application ID is ______.
If there are any materials that need to be included, please contact me: ______.

Thank you for considering my Regular Decision application,

Yours,

Any suggestions?

______

Undergraduate / CommonApp Extracurricular Activity writing. - Singing [3]

Since I was small, I sang on my own. I enjoyed singing, and did not mind the mistake in pitches I made. Unfortunately, my parents heard me and softly teased me. Although I knew it was a joke, I was hurt. As a result, I started to sing secretly during showers to preclude people from hearing me. However few years ago, I decided to participate in a contest. I wanted to show how much I have improved. I went up to my parents and told them I would participate in that contest. My parents were surprised at the sudden decision. Luckily, I performed well and got in 4th place. My parents were shocked, and so was I because I found out a new aspect of me: stage fright. I body trembled with nervousness when I went up the stage to perform. Soon, I realized that happened whenever I tried to sing in front of a person. But I did not quit. I took a deep breath every single time before I sang and eventually learned to control myself. Thus, taught me to overcome complexes and gave me confidence.

Please don't mind the grammar. I"m going to fix it up. How's the content?

Undergraduate / I wouldn't make my mom cry again / Johns Hopkins SUp/ something you couldn't tell us [4]

1. Tell us something about yourself or your interests that we wouldn't learn by looking at the rest of your application materials. (While you should still pay attention to sentence structure and grammar, your response is meant as a way for us to get to know you, rather than a formal essay.)

I suffered from ADHD when I was small. When I grabbed a book, I could only read the first page and did something else. Until 5th grade, my father always told me, "DongWook, please concentrate on reading for an hour. I don't expect much else." Of course, I could not do so.

When I was in fifth grade, I took a math test in my school. The test was simply solving 100 problems in one minute. However, I solved barely over 20, and my teacher sent a note to my parents saying, "Your child has serious deficiencies in mathematics and concentration."

That night, I overheard my mother sob as my father translated the note to her. Tears dropped from my eyes. I promised myself, never in my life I will make her cry again. So the next day, I sat on my desk, pulled out a sheet of paper, and wrote down 100 questions. I switched my watch to timing mode, gave myself a minute, picked up my pencil and finally began. Two times four is eight. Eight times two is sixteen... Wait what happened to Frodo and Sam? Right, the volcano. Focus! I still had trouble, but after series of practice, I finished in time.

I gained a confidence that I could increase my attention span. So, I started to time myself for reading and studying, and eventually got rid of the ADHD symptoms.