Writing Feedback / IELTS national teams/individual financially supported by the government/non-government organisations [4]

It is true that national sports teams and individual men and women who represent their country should be funded by non government organization. While it is true, I personally believe that it is better to be financially support by the government.

Many people nowadays believe that private agencies are greater than official agencies due to their professionalism in treating customers. While the customers of private agencies are specific clients, the customers of official agencies are society in general. Because the range of official agencies clients is more wide and complex than private agencies, and also its target that is not detailed measurable, its professionalism is not very satisfying. In case, many people believe that it is better to give an opportunity to private organizations to take parts in funding national sport teams and individual athletes who represent their country in international competition. Because of the private agencies' professionalism, its finance is abundant so that it can support the athletes or teams' needed properly. In addition, it also can take advantage for supporting the athletes or teams in sport competition such as by advertising their product through the teams or athletes. Adidas for example, they can promote their product through the accessories that the athletes or team wear. In the other words, both athletes or teams and the companies also gain an advantage, kind of mutualism symbiosis.

However, that kind of symbiosis could break the independence of teams or athletes. It is undeniable that they could change their orientation: not to assist their country but for company which pay or support them. The support for some teams and athletes exclusively might damage their professionalism. Their financial and needed maybe not as good as if they are supported by private agencies, but it will keep their purpose to fight for their country. Can you imagine if the athletes is under pressure of the company which owned by foreigner? It cannot be denied that the company will put the athletes or team in order to increase their profit due to the fact that the orientation of private agencies is only profit and money. For instance, in badminton, if "Yonex" exclusively support only one athlete such as Taufik Hidayat, he might be feeling pressure if he has to compete with Japan as the country which Yonex's company located.

Hence, I prefer to the idea stated that the national sports teams and individual men or women representing their country should be financially support by the government. Indeed, their financial is not as much as if they are supported by private agencies, but it much better to keep the independence in such kind of competition. However, I suggest that the government should more aware to the heroes who fight for our country. If make an agreement with some compatible private agencies can improve the management system of sports' athletes and teams, let's give it a try. My focus is not to wipe off private's agencies' roles, but strengthen the role of government. Government should formulate some policy to improve our financial sponsor in sport to keep the independence of the athlete and teams.

Writing Feedback / IELTS TASK 2: Challenges and Strategies of People who Move to New Cities or New Country [4]

People today move to new cities or new countries more than ever before. What challenges do they experience? What strategies are there to meet these challenges?

Migration is a common term since a long time ago. In Indonesia, there is a massive transmigration in Soeharto's Period while many Javanese was encouraged to move to Sumatra, Kalimantan and Sulawesi islands. Due to the development of technology made communication become easier, the migration trend is more common than before. However, there are some possible problems that will be faced by the migrants and the strategies that can be used to solve the problems.

As a new person at a new area, we indeed are not familiar with the conditions and cultures at that area. There is a simple example: we have to ask someone about a direction if we lost on some unknown road because we are not too familiar with the way. It is also happening where we live in a new place. However, it can be solved by commute with some communities at that place. That is may be a reason why every new student has to present in orientation event of the university. The universities want to make the new comer easier to adapt with a new place. Thus, it also can be used for new migrants. They could join some community to know more about the place where they live.

The next challenge is missing their home or their old place. Usually, people difficult to move to the place where the culture is totally different with their own. They'll miss their old art and culture which hard to find in their new place. To solve this challenge, people usually create a community where the members are people who originated from some same region. In university, especially in Indonesia, there are some same region communities such as Javanese, Sudanese, Macassares community. They are uniting to keep their art and culture such as their vernacular and dances, and also to heal their homesick. Maybe that is why, when I have a trip to Lampung 2 months ago, I found some populations in Lampung use Javanese Language.

Hence, migration is a common act nowadays. Many people would move for some reasons like study, work and so forth. Indeed, they will find some obstacles to adapt in the new place in the first time of their move. However, all of the obstacles can be solved by communication ability of humans. There is a fact stated that human is social creature. So, we can solve our problem by socialize and communicate with others.

Writing Feedback / IELTS - the level of education among women in the land experienced an upgrade [2]

Highest Level of Education of Women in Someland (1945 and 1955)

The pie charts illustrate the differences of highest level of educated women in someland between 1945 and 1955, a period of 5 decades.
It is clear that the portion of women who were not schooling, third grade, and year 6 saw a dramatic decline, while the number of women who finished their first degree inclined for almost 50 %.

The number of no schooling, third grade and year 6 women at the place accounted 85 percent in 1945. Conversely, the number of those three grades dropped significantly to zero percent after 5 decades. On the other hand, the women who study in their 12 yr olds increased for about 16%, from 4% to 20%. In addition, first degree and post graduate educated women at that place dramatically rose. The first degree rose for about 49% and the post graduate increased to 20% from zero percent in the first question year. Educated women in years 6 remained stable at 10% during the period.

To conclude, the level of education women in the land experienced an upgrade. It showed from the dramatic increase of the number of post graduate and first degree and from the significant decrease of women who no schooling, third grade and year 6.

• 
  MaritsaEssay_1.6.jp.jpg
  

Writing Feedback / IELTS TASK 1: American Spending Patterns between 1966 and 1996 [2]

American Spending Patterns between 1966 and 1996

The pie charts compare American spending patterns in 1966 and 1996, a period of 3 decades.

At glance, the significant change of American spending was on food and cars. While the spending of food saw a decrease, the car spending reported a dramatic increase.

During the periods, American spending on cars experienced a significant rise for about 22%. However, the most dramatic decline reported by food spending. Its decline reported roughly about 30%, from 44% in 1966 to 14% in 1996.

Due to the differences trend of the question period, American spend their money more for buy computer and eating out at some restaurants. Computer spending rose for about 9% from 1% to 10%, while restaurant spending rose twofold, from 7% to 14%. On the other hand, American spending on books showed a drop for about 5%. The other sectors such as furniture and petrol reported slight drop below 2%.

Overall, the differences of American spending was on an increase of cars, eating out and computers spending followed by a decrease of food, books, petrol and furniture spending among the periods.

• 
  MaritsaEssay_1.5.jp.jpg
  

Writing Feedback / IELTS - despite the obstacles found in the new place, traveller could obtain some new experiences [6]

Some people like to travel to somewhere new and different when they go on holiday, while others prefer familiar places.
Do you think there are more advantages or disadvantages to visiting new places?

Travelling is one therapy for some people in order to refresh them from their daily activities. It is true that people prefer to spend their holiday time in a new and unique place, while others prefer to travel to a famous or common place. Although both choices could bring merits and demerits, I strongly convince that travelling to a new place is always funnier and more challenging than travelling to familiar places.

Most people choose to travel in famous place usually visit such as mall. Indeed, it is more practice; they do not have to prepare heavily due to the fact that it is a common place that you extremely know. On the other hand, travelling in a new and different place will place you in the unpredictable situation. Therefore, people need to be prepare more because those people do not know well yet the situation and condition at that new place.

However, travelling in a new and different place always brings us unpredictable and new experiences, while travelling in a familiar place sounds like a little bit boring trip. Travelling in an unpredictable place indeed will make us more tired, but it is more challenging. Are people having holiday to go out from their daily boring activities? So, I believe that the obstacles found in the new place could bring some wonderful experiences that never be forgotten.

To conclude, despite the obstacles found in the new place, traveller could obtain some new experiences. In addition, people also could explore their knowledge by visiting the place where only a few people live and visit in there. In the other hand, visiting new places in holiday times could outweigh benefits based on my point of view.