Posts by serikbar

serikbar

Mar 17, 2017

Graduate / How your education and work, and life experience will contribute to your classmates' MBA experience [4]

Mary, I believe that first two paragraphs do represent important academic and professional experiences. I agree that third paragraph was not adding much value, so I will remove it. I have modified the last paragraph a bit. Hope it reads better now.

I am applying to a local university (in my country), so I expect very few (or none) international candidates, and not many applicants with international work experience. Hence the emphasis on my international "life experience" in the last paragraph.

serikbar

Mar 16, 2017

Graduate / How your education and work, and life experience will contribute to your classmates' MBA experience [4]

Instructions : In 500 words, or less describe how your education and work, and life experience will contribute to your classmates' MBA experi7ence.

bringing more dimension

I believe that my engineering degree will offer lots of opportunities for knowledge and expertise exchange with students from finance, business and other educational backgrounds. The engineering skills set will prove remarkable for integration of different ideas and perspectives pertaining to diverse issues we will face during case studies and group projects. Moreover, I have recently secured a highly demanding certification from the Project Management Institute (PMI) that grants me Project Management Professional (PMP) credentials. While studying the material provided by the institute I realized that my company, COMPANY, actually follows most of the PMI's frameworks and procedures, and that I had already used many of them in practice. Considering how important energy sector is for Kazakhstan's economy, I am sure that both theoretical and practical knowledge I possess in this field will be beneficial for my classmates.

Throughout the 7 years that I have been working in COMPANY, the leading oilfield service provider in the Middle East, I have had a chance to work in different departments and roles. Shortly after completing the technical training, I decided to switch to construction in order to get hands-on experience and deeply understand the challenges of the industry. I was soon deputed to Turkmenistan project, where all members of our team and all subcontractor personnel that I was working with were much elder than me (I was 22 at that time). In addition to that, I didn't have any construction experience when I joined. It was one the most challenging situations I had ever been in my life before. But instead of despair I responded to that challenge with perseverance and dedication, which gradually earned me good reputation and respect of the team. The amount of trust and belief I had received from the management helped me to unleash my leadership potential and greatly boosted my self-confidence. I will bring these abilities and experience with me to the UNIVERSITY.

Upon completion of that project I continued working in the main office in Project Engineering department receiving completely different insights on the project execution. Such diversified experience has given me a very comprehensive understanding of the overall EPC (Engineering, Procurement & Construction) projects execution. I would be delighted to share my professional experience with other students, and to find out the common and differing features of the Kazakhstan's local and other international markets.

Finally, having worked for two years in Turkmenistan and for the rest of my career in the Middle East region, I have always been a part of international teams. I have closely worked with a wide range of nationalities and cultures, which has taught me to get along with diverse people and has helped me to make a lot of friends around the globe. These interactions will allow me to bring one more dimension to UNIVERSITY's already diverse culture. I would love to share the insights I gained with my classmates, and I look forward to enriching my world with the insights of others.

serikbar

Mar 16, 2017

Graduate / UK Engineering - Personal Statement for master course [3]

@ilskyilsky
It feels like you are taking the reader through your resume, re-stating the positions you held between 2009 & present days. But that information will be already available on the resume you submit with the application. Instead you could focus on two-three particular experiences that deeply affected you, and made you understand the importance of continuing education.

I would also suggest to re-group the paragraphs, as 8 paragraphs for such essays is too many. Try to combine a few with similar ideas.

serikbar

Mar 7, 2017

Scholarship / How will the suggested study benefit my future? - AAS Essay [5]

@d2ny
Dany, you have only used 25% of the maximum essay size, that is way too little.
I think you should describe your career development till date (maybe, include some success story) and then show how this course will help to accelerate your career. Write about the additional value this course will bring to the experience you already possess, and how it will help you build on that experience. You could cite those academic benefits here as well.

serikbar

Mar 6, 2017

Graduate / Three things others do not know about me [3]

@Holt
Mary, thanks for sharing your thoughts. I was considering including "talking to myself out loud when I'm alone" as a kind of unique thing about me, but I thought that sports would be more appropriate for an admissions essay :D

I think shares trading and diary writing are both strong points, I will try to think of something more interesting than swimming, if I can find anything.

serikbar

Mar 4, 2017

Graduate / Three things others do not know about me [3]

That is one of the admission essays for an MBA program. I believe the essay is supposed to reflect positive features of my character... Also I think that introduction & conclusion are not required in such essay. Would appreciate your feedback and suggestions on how to improve it.

Essay 2 : In 500 words or less describe three things others do not know about you.

hidden story

Recently, around 3 months ago, I started keeping a diary. It began with writing down my short-term and long-term goals. Then I realized that I need to keep track of the progress I was making towards these goals. So I started making short notes about what I did each day to achieve any of the goals from my list. This practice has helped me to make sure that I don't waste my free time and that I spend it on something important. I have also realized that such small habits we develop throughout our lives, as keeping diary or doing sports, actually have a great impact on our personalities.

Another fact that others don't know about me is that I can swim one naval mile in less than 30 minutes. It all started when I was 14 years old. At that age I thought that I should pick a sport for myself, and I decided to start going to a swimming pool on a regular basis. Though it may sound as an ordinary decision, but it has drastically changed my appearance. My height was only 162 cm before I started swimming, but after only 4 months my height was already 181 cm, and my regular exercises in the swimming pool were the main factor behind that. Moreover, swimming has had a very positive impact on my overall health, as I noticed that I started getting ill less frequently than most of my classmates. Nowadays, I still try to visit swimming pools when I have the opportunity. I will certainly try to instill the love to swimming into my children.

After graduation I already had a job offer on hands, but I was going to start working only in October. That left me with three to four months when I was completely free, so I decided to try myself as a day trader. In the first month I devoted all my free time to watching video seminars on how to trade, and did a lot of reading in parallel. I had a small amount of money I managed to save during the last year in the university, which allowed me to open up an account with a local broker and to start trading shares on NYSE and NASDAQ. As you might guess, two month of trading did not make me a millionaire. In fact, I lost around 30% of my small investment, but nevertheless I was glad that I tried it when there was a chance. After I started working, I never really had an opportunity to go back to day trading, since it requires a lot of time. That was a fascinating experience, and I am still keeping my eye on the news and reports about financial markets and commodities.

serikbar

Mar 4, 2017

Writing Feedback / Choosing other jobs, changing occupations frequently - IELTS TASK 2 [4]

@reptile5566
Since you already received feedback on the essay structure, I will try to highlight some grammatical/stylistic errors.
Because it is more competitive for young ... - Because the workplaces today are more competitive than they used to be,...

...offer a better salary, they are likelyto change their jobs.
Employers are easily to think that ... - Employers could be inclined to think that...
...they have to spend time on searching new accommodation

serikbar

Mar 4, 2017

Student Talk / Hi everyone! Welcome at EssayForum thread. [414]

Hello everyone, my name is Serik, I am from Kazakhstan.
I am here to receive some constructive feedback on my application essays. Hope I can offer back some helpful suggestions too.
Good luck to all.

serikbar

Mar 4, 2017

Writing Feedback / IELTS WRITING TASK 1 - INFORMATION ABOUT DIARRHEA CASES IN MASHHAD FROM 1983 TO 1992 [4]

@ainunazwaria
Overall, the figures of diarhhea cases ... while the lowest figures could be observed in '92. - I don't think you can use the word "figures" with relation to diarhhea cases. You could say : Overall, the frequency of the diarrhea cases decreased at the end of the given period despite considerable fluctuations. It peaked in '89, while the lowest number was observed in '92.

I would similarly replace the word "figures" in other paragraphs as well.
Nevertheless, in the following year, a plunge appear tp 300... - first, the tense should be past (appeared). Also, I would use active voice here - ... the number plunged to 300...

serikbar

Dec 30, 2016

Graduate / MY CAREER PROGRESSION. Statement of Purpose for MSc in UoM [6]

Mary, thanks again for your contributions and Happy New Year !

serikbar

Dec 30, 2016

Graduate / MY CAREER PROGRESSION. Statement of Purpose for MSc in UoM [6]

@Holt
Mary, thanks for your comments, I restructured the essay, adding some details, and tried to focus on the topics listed in the instructions for SoP. Please advise if you feel I missed something.

serikbar

Dec 29, 2016

Graduate / MY CAREER PROGRESSION. Statement of Purpose for MSc in UoM [6]

Below is the raw draft of my Statement of Purpose for MSc in University of Manchester. Would appreciate to receive your opinion and suggestions on how to improve it.

my career progression

During my last vacation I met with an old friend of mine whom I had not seen for a while, and came to know that he had recently joined a management consulting firm. While discussing the details of his new role and the cases he was working on, I got really interested in this field. Later on, I spent couple of weeks conducting a deeper research on consultancy firms activities, as well as on responsibilities handled by consultants, which only strengthened my desire to work in this sphere. However after careful consideration of my professional experience, which is mainly related to Construction and Project Management, I decided that postgraduate education in business would be not only useful, but perhaps essential in developing my career potential and providing me with greater opportunities for future success in this field. This was the driving factor behind my decision to pursue a Master's degree in Business Analytics and Strategic Management, as I believe this program would be invaluable in helping me achieve my objectives.

My undergraduate studies in Kazakh British Technical University covered mainly upstream and downstream operations of the oil and gas industry with more emphasis on the upstream sector, such as geoscience, drilling, oil extraction, etc. I graduated in 2010 receiving BSc degree in Petroleum Engineering with the final GPA of 3.76/4.00, which could have been higher if my concentration on studies had not slipped in 2008 due to some personal distractions. Nevertheless, I was always considered among the brightest students of my course, both by the professors and by my peers. During my last year in the university I was considering to continue my education in this field abroad. However, being offered employment by a leading service provider to the oil and gas production and processing industry, I decided to postpone it. And now I am glad that I chose to join Bechtel's graduate program because its flexibility brings great advantages with it.

Throughout my six years in the company I had a chance to try myself in different departments and roles. This gave me very comprehensive understanding of the overall EPC (Engineering, Procurement & Construction) projects execution. However I have never confined my self-development process to purely job related areas. Despite the breadth of experience I have been receiving, I have always known that I need to challenge myself if I am to continue progressing and reach my full potential in life. Therefore earlier this year I have successfully obtained the PMP (Project Management Professional) certification from the Project Management Institute. Currently I am preparing for Level 1 CFA (Chartered Financial Analyst) examination in order to underscore my interest in corporate finance, economics and investing practices. All these elements have given me a very broad outlook, with varying degrees of knowledge in a range of topics. I am confident that although some are not related directly, all these qualities will positively influence my graduate work, and in coupe with strong analytical and quantitative skills honed during my engineering studies, they make me a perfect candidate for this program.

I think that my past shows a steady yet rapid progression in my career, and I am eager to enhance that progression by enrolling in your program. After completion of my studies, I plan to join one of the leading management consulting firms, and I believe that your school's excellent reputation, the program content and the benefits of the client-facing project you offer combine to provide a very solid foundation for my aspirations. Knowing that the selection process is very competitive, I am sure that I will match all the credentials and will be able to maintain high standards set by the program. I want to make it clear that I would regard the my admission not only as a great honour but also as a great responsibility and an obligation to work hard.

serikbar

Dec 29, 2016

Writing Feedback / [IELST Task 1] Annual earnings of three bakeries in London, 2000-2010. [3]

@PJmustbebetter
To conclude, two out of three Bakeries rose ...
To conclude, profits for two out of three Bakeries rose gradually, whereas for the third one it declined substantially over the decade.

I don't think that bakeries can rise in profit, rather their profits will rise. Try also to use different words from those used in the first paragraph, i.e. declined instead of dropped, substantially instead of dramatically. In overall, the essay is strong, as per my experience, would be rated in between 7.0 and 8.0.

serikbar

Dec 29, 2016

Writing Feedback / Mothers in Australia over forty years old. Essay Writing task 1 [5]

@hanasufiarahma
The opening sentence of your essay is simply re-writing the description of the table, which is usually not a good idea and will negatively affect your mark. Try to rephrase it in your own words. Also, as already highlighted above, you need to improve your spelling and use of tenses, I believe you can start with pasting the text to Word, many mistakes will show up.

serikbar

Dec 26, 2016

Letters / ERASMUS MUNDUS Scholarship - great honour, great responsibility and an obligation to work hard [11]

@Holt
Thanks, Mary, I think that the current version of the essay is way better than the initial draft that I had. Your constructive comments and guidance helped me a lot to improve it.

serikbar

Dec 25, 2016

Letters / ERASMUS MUNDUS Scholarship - great honour, great responsibility and an obligation to work hard [11]

@Holt
Mary, I have developed the middle paragraph adding some cultural aspects discussed above. That's what I have got:
. . .
My keen interest in the European culture began in the childhood with reading the history of ancient Greece and Rome, and gradually evolved into versatile enthusiasm, which included medieval and modern history, literature, and passion for English football. After visiting Europe for couple of times as a tourist I have long nurtured the idea of living there for an extended period that will allow deeper immersion into European culture. The IMIM program provides a flawless opportunity for that, especially because it is conducted in three different European countries. Besides, I perceive studying in Europe as an brilliant chance to interact with students and scholars from diverse professional and cultural backgrounds coming from all around the world. This type of networking is very important for integration of different ideas and perspectives pertaining to diverse issues our industry faces worldwide. Moreover, I will get to know various challenges that other scholars have been through in their industries, and will have a chance to learn some novel solutions they have successfully applied to overcome them.

. . .

serikbar

Dec 25, 2016

Letters / ERASMUS MUNDUS Scholarship - great honour, great responsibility and an obligation to work hard [11]

@Holt
Mary, thanks for the wishes. I have thought quite a lot about how I can introduce my familiarity with the European culture, most ideas that I am getting are related to my interests in European literature, history, sports, etc., however I don't see how I can project these on my aspirations in Industrial Engineering or my scholarship application. I tried to combine the "culture part" with the "international mobility", and took them out into a separate paragraph, seems that it settled in just fine into the overall essay. Looking forward to your comments.

______________________________________________________________________________________
I am writing to apply for the Erasmus Mundus Scholarship for the International Masters in Industrial Management program. I graduated from Kazakh British Technical University in Almaty, Kazakhstan, from which I received a BSc degree in Petroleum Engineering in 2010. This program covered both upstream and downstream operations of the oil and gas industry with more emphasis on the upstream sector, such as drilling, oil extraction, etc. Nevertheless, throughout the studying process I found myself more interested in the downstream operations, i.e. processing of the oil and gas, and was even considering to continue my education in this field immediately after graduation. However, being offered employment by a leading service provider to the oil and gas production and processing industry, I decided to postpone it. And now I am glad that I chose to join Bechtel's graduate program because its flexibility brings great advantages with it.

Throughout my six years in the company I had a chance to try myself in different departments and roles, both in Construction and Head Office. This gave me very comprehensive understanding of the overall EPC (Engineering, Procurement & Construction) projects execution. However over the last year I started feeling that additional education is required in order to sharpen my management skills and broaden my knowledge base in this area. Even after securing the PMP certification from the Project Management Institute I still felt that postgraduate education would serve as an invaluable addition to my professional experience, and together they would form a very strong foundation for a successful career. After coming across the IMIM program and going through its curriculum I realised that it ideally suits my requirements, and also my engineering education and substantial industry experience make me a perfect candidate for this program.

Besides, I perceive studying in Europe as an extraordinary opportunity to interact with students and scholars from diverse professional and cultural backgrounds coming from all around the world. After visiting Europe for couple of times as a tourist I have long nurtured the idea of living there for an extended period that will allow deeper immersion into European culture. The IMIM program provides a flawless opportunity for that, especially because it is conducted in three different European countries. This type of networking is very important for integration of different ideas and perspectives pertaining to diverse issues our industry faces worldwide. Moreover, I will get to know various challenges that other scholars have been through in their industries, and will have a chance to learn some novel solutions they have successfully applied to overcome them.

Certainly I will be able to apply some of these experiences once I come back to my country, whose economy is now going through difficult times. After the oil price downturn of 2014 and overall slump in commodities prices our economy faces big challenges. In response to this and in order to reduce the dependency on extractive sectors the government initiated a new development strategy, Kazakhstan-2050, with focus on innovation and processing sectors. In addition to that, next year our country is hosting the EXPO-2017 International Exhibition, bringing lots of foreign investors to our country which will potentially trigger many new projects. As a result our economy will soon face high demand for qualified professionals capable of leading the transformation of the economy and efficiently managing complex international projects. The Erasmus Mundus scholarship will enable me to acquire the world class education that IMIM program is providing, and adding it to my professional experience will help me to fulfil my potential and make a meaningful contribution to the development of Kazakhstan's oil and gas industry.

Knowing that the selection process is very competitive, I am sure that I will match all the credentials and will be able to maintain high standards set by the IMIM program. I want to make it clear that I would regard the scholarship award not only as a great honour but also as a great responsibility and an obligation to work hard. I will also be proud to represent and promote the Erasmus Mundus community in my country, and really hope that I will be given a chance to do so.

serikbar

Dec 24, 2016

Letters / ERASMUS MUNDUS Scholarship - great honour, great responsibility and an obligation to work hard [11]

@Holt
Mary, thanks again for your review, I tried to cover the points you had raised in the last comment. Have some doubts about "Additionally, a highlight should be added to explain the problem or work situation in your country that you wish to resolve through the use of international mobility." - already have a paragraph on that subject. Also it was a bit hard to link the "familiarity with Europe and its culture", tried to add a couple of sentences on that at the end.

____________________________________________________________________________________________________
I am writing to apply for the Erasmus Mundus Scholarship for the International Masters in Industrial Management program. I graduated from Kazakh British Technical University in Almaty, Kazakhstan, from which I received a BSc degree in Petroleum Engineering in 2010. This program covered both upstream and downstream operations of the oil and gas industry with more emphasis on the upstream sector, such as drilling, oil extraction, etc. Nevertheless, throughout the studying process I found myself more interested in the downstream operations...

P.S. Merry Christmas :D

serikbar

Dec 23, 2016

Letters / ERASMUS MUNDUS Scholarship - great honour, great responsibility and an obligation to work hard [11]

@Holt
Mary, thanks for the review and your comments, it seemed to me from the beginning that my letter needs improvement. Unfortunately I didn't really have time to work on it till today. I also forgot to include the guidelines for the letter in my first post, so here they are:

Write an essay describing previous studies, motivation for international mobility, professional project. If you are applying for the Erasmus Mundus scholarships, talk about your interest towards the European culture and studying in the EU.

I tried to get rid of the excessive details and elaborate a bit more on the situation in my country, hope this draft is better now. [..]

serikbar

Dec 18, 2016

Letters / ERASMUS MUNDUS Scholarship - great honour, great responsibility and an obligation to work hard [11]

Motivation Letter for ERASMUS MUNDUS Scholarship

Hi everyone, would appreciate your comments and advice on below motivation letter for Erasmus Mundus Scholarship

Dear Sir/Madam,

I am writing to apply for the Erasmus Mundus Scholarship for the International Masters in Industrial Management program. I graduated from Kazakh British Technical University in Almaty, Kazakhstan, from which I received a BSc degree in Petroleum Engineering in 2010. I was a diligent student, and I never really faced any difficulties during the studies. My academic performance is well represented by my high marks and favourable recommendation. Thus here I would like to shed more light on my professional career and future aspirations.

During my final year at the university I passed many interviews and was offered a position in several reputable local oil & gas companies, and was also accepted to Bechtel International Ltd. I chose to start my career at Bechtel because it was a great opportunity for me to gain international work experience early in life, and I also viewed its' graduate program as a good chance to develop myself both professionally and personally. There was not a moment when I regretted this decision.

The big advantage of the graduate program in Bechtel is that it is very flexible. It has given me opportunities to try myself in different departments and different roles. Shortly after completing the technical training, I requested to be sent to construction site to one of our on-going projects in order to be able to get hands-on experience and deeply understand the challenges of the construction industry. Eventually I was sent for a long-term assignment to our biggest project as of that date in Turkmenistan. All other members of our team and also all subcontractor personnel that I was working with were much elder than me (I was 22 at that time), and in addition to that, I didn't have any construction experience at all. It was one the most challenging situations I had ever been in my life before. But instead of despair I responded to that challenge with perseverance and dedication, which gradually earned me good reputation and respect of the team. The amount of trust and belief I had received from the management helped me to unleash my leadership potential and greatly boosted my self-confidence.

Upon completion of that project I continued working in the main office in Supply Chain and Project Engineering departments receiving completely different insights on the overall project execution. Talking about the Engineering, Procurement & Construction (EPC) industry, I can confidently say that I have been on both sides of the fence. Now I feel that I have reached a perfect time in my career for closing the knowledge gaps and sharpening my skills in management related areas. Master's degree in Industrial Management is well suited to my background, it will be a valuable addition to the professional experience I already possess, and together they will form a very strong foundation for a successful career. Considering the industrial development program recently endorsed by the government and increasing investors' interest, Kazakhstan's economy will soon be in demand for highly qualified professionals, and my international experience and top class education that IMIM is providing will help me to fulfill my potential and make a meaningful contribution to the development of my home country's oil and gas industry.

Besides, I perceive studying in Europe as an extraordinary opportunity to interact with students and scholars from diverse professional and cultural backgrounds coming from all around the world. This type of networking is very important for integration of different ideas and perspectives pertaining to diverse global issues. Thus it would greatly broaden the multicultural experience I have already received while living and working in the Middle East, and would also give me a unique opportunity to share and spread these positive experiences when I return back to my home country.

In conclusion I want to make clear that I would regard my admission to the International Masters in Industrial Management not only as a great honour but also as a great responsibility and an obligation to work hard. I am sure that I will match all the credentials and will be able to maintain high standards set by your program, which I will be proud to represent in our country.