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Posts by MieMie09
Joined: Aug 25, 2009
Last Post: Sep 1, 2009
Threads: 4
Posts: 30  

From: United States of America

Displayed posts: 34
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MieMie09   
Aug 30, 2009
Undergraduate / ~Why I chose to attend UCF~ A Knight in Shining Armor [10]

Lol... I'm not frustrated by what you said. I appreciate your feedback. I'm getting frustrated because I don't know what to say to make my essay not so generic and I don't want to be blunt either. So now I'm stuck.
MieMie09   
Aug 30, 2009
Undergraduate / ~Why I chose to attend UCF~ A Knight in Shining Armor [10]

I don't understand how I can get more specific. My major is Health Services Administration. I am about to graduate with my AA from Broward College in December. The choices that I have to transfer to are UCF, FIU, FAU and FAMU. FIU and FAU are too close to home and I'm tired of South Florida. I'm from New York so life down here is too slow for me. I'm not going out-of-state because I don't want to pay out-of-state fees. And no offense at all but FAMU is predominantly African American. I want to be in a multi-cultural environment. I looked up UCF in the Princeton Review and compared it to the rest and UCF is the best fit for me. So what am I supposed to say in my essay?
MieMie09   
Aug 29, 2009
Undergraduate / ~Why I chose to attend UCF~ A Knight in Shining Armor [10]

Does it sound better like this? And does it answer the question well enough
?


My ideal college must provide me with the tools to succeed academically and to develop into a well-rounded individual. As a result of my effortful research, I found that the University of Central Florida is the right choice for me. Not only is UCF highly reputable academically, but it is a place that reflects morality. The fact that it was founded as a non-segregated university symbolizes its respect for unity and its desire to give everyone equal opportunities from the start. I admire the fact that the vast selection of degree programs and the diversity of the student body will not only allow people to explore their options, but it would allow me to learn from others, meanwhile pursuing a degree in Health Services Administration. The HSA program at UCF has an impeccable reputation and will give me the key to open many doors to my future as a successful Health Services Administrator. The location of the university would allow me to take advantage of the renowned and extensive internship opportunities, while simultaneously make a visit to my family easily accessible. I know that after my experience at UCF, I will be able to take on any battle as I live up to my name as a Golden Knight.
MieMie09   
Aug 29, 2009
Undergraduate / ~Why I chose to attend UCF~ A Knight in Shining Armor [10]

Wow it reads way better now!!! Thank You!!!! Can you explain why it doesn't seem logical and how I can change those vague generalizations?

Any comments about the second paragraph?
MieMie09   
Aug 29, 2009
Undergraduate / UCF Admissions Essay: I Am a Bird [11]

Those are great suggestions!!! Carrying the metaphor all the way through is a great idea and will help tie the title and the essay in together & Sean that is true. In New York a bird is a girl with no class and that is not me or what I want to portray at all. Thanx a million!!!
MieMie09   
Aug 29, 2009
Undergraduate / UCF Admissions Essay: I Am a Bird [11]

I did write two essays. The other one is about why I want to attend UCF. This one can represent either one of the prompts above. I just figured it would answer both, but you can help me by telling me which one you think it pertains to more.

Thanx ; )
MieMie09   
Aug 29, 2009
Undergraduate / UCF Admissions Essay: I Am a Bird [11]

There are two prompts. One prompt is to explain a bump in the road in my life and the other is to explain how my family or environment influenced who I am. I put them both in one.

Since I was young, I learned to express myself in the way that was best for me. When I was seven, I won a poetry contest. My poem was about how if I could be any animal I would be a bird so that I would be able to soar high through the sky with no limitations on where I went. At the time I had no idea how much that poem would relate to my life. But I knew that words were an outlet for me. They were a way for me to form a connection with myself and also with others, whether they were spoken or written.

My grandfather always encouraged me to write. Writing was one of his many talents and one our favorite pastimes. We spent a lot of time together. He was a great father-figure to me. I lived with my biological father, but he was always busy working. Though my grandfather never saw me physically, due to the fact that he lost his sight the year before I was born, he often told me that I was a growing up to be beautiful young lady. One day I asked him, "How do you know I'm a beautiful if you can't see me?" His first response was "well for one, you're a part of my family", and then we laughed. I adored his sense of humor. Perhaps, that's where I got mine from. He then explained to me that a person creates their own beauty by making an effort to be the best version of themselves. His words were not spoken in vain.

As I got older I learned to give people a chance to show their qualities instead of judging them at first glance. This allowed me to take the time to understand people better. I also worked hard to better myself as an individual. I made sure that I excelled at what I did. I did well in school and I was always a competitive person. I won many spellings bees. I also entered an invention contest and won an award for my idea. My ability to do my best seemed invincible.

In December 2005, during my senior year of high school, I was in the holiday spirit. But, my cheery spirit soon became cheerless. My grandfather suffered from a stroke. About a week later my grandmother was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer. It became hard for me to focus on anything but them. To my devastation, my grandfather passed on February 21st, 2006. Three weeks later on March 11th, 2006, my grandmother also passed. It seemed that everything that meant something to me was frozen in time. It was a struggle for me to accept the fact that they were gone. But, I had to realize that my grandparents would want me to take advantage of the fact that I still have my life. I had to continue living and make every second count. I graduated from high school, went on to pursue an Associate Degree and I am not stopping there. As a bird is not bound to one branch forever, I will not be bound to the obstacles that life may bring. I will soar high in life with no limitations on where I can go.

Suggestions and comments will be appreciated. Thanks.
MieMie09   
Aug 29, 2009
Undergraduate / ~Why I chose to attend UCF~ A Knight in Shining Armor [10]

When I think about what I look for in a college, many aspects play a role in my decision. It has to be a place that not only provides me with the tools to succeed academically, but also to be a well-rounded individual in society. It is also important that the college is a place that has morals. It has to be a place where I can feel like I am part of a family. These things are important to me because I live in a society where I've learned to appreciate people and the way they perceive the world that we share. It has allowed me to get an understanding of life from many aspects. I put much time into finding a college that possesses these characteristics.

As a result of my effortful research, I found that the University of Central Florida is the right choice for me. Not only is UCF highly reputable academically, but it is a place that reflects morality. The fact that it was founded as a non-segregated university symbolizes its respect for unity and its desire to give everyone equal opportunities from the start. I admire the fact that the vast selection of degree programs and the diversity of the student body will not only allow people to explore their options, but it would allow me to learn from others, meanwhile pursuing a degree in Health Services Administration. The HSA program at UCF has an impeccable reputation and will give me the key to open many doors to my future as a successful Health Services Administrator. The location of the university would allow me to take advantage of the renowned and extensive internship opportunities, while simultaneously make a visit to my family easily accessible. I know that after leaving UCF, I will be able to take on any battle as I live up to my name as a Golden Knight.

Suggestions and comments please.
MieMie09   
Aug 28, 2009
Undergraduate / "the role of a surgeon" - A Rather Rough Essay [15]

I want to be in the thick of it all . (Sounds like a line in a Broadway musical). Becoming a surgeon will provide the specific physical and mental challenges that I long for The Question what are you longing for comes up) It will make me a stronger person overall (How?) .

Try not to leave anything unanswered.
MieMie09   
Aug 28, 2009
Undergraduate / "the role of a surgeon" - A Rather Rough Essay [15]

I aspire to wield the surgical knife, don the long white coat, and work the grueling hours one day.Something seems unappealing about this, especially as an opening sentence. However, it was not always this way.

At first, I had detested the role of a surgeon. Due to my longing to become an individualWhat is that supposed to mean?, the medical field that my mother had often praised and practiced was discarded by me. I instead sought to argue in a court of law, to travel to obscure countries, and to educate students. Cutting open strangelyderangedDeranged means crazy. What makes a person who needs surgery crazy? people was not the profession of my choice. The benefits of medicine were ambiguous Ambiguous means questionable or uncertain. Is that what you mean to express?. I had witnessed my mother struggle to achieve a degree in the subject only to seeobserveherthat she worked irregular working hours and exhausted appearanceappeared exhausted when she getsarrived home.

Out of curiosity, I agreeddecided to take a volunteer position at the University of Michigan hospital as a piano player. Every week I would exhibit a selection of pieces that would sooth the listeners. I soon took it on asmade it my responsibility to make my audience feel refreshed and restored by my music. I wanted to cure them of their diseases and ailments.I Love the idea here. It's interesting that you saw your ability to soothe them with your music and it made you want to do more. After these sessions I would walk around the hospital, exploring the large buildings and examining the doctors who walked by. I saw each member of the hospital actively using their areas of expertise to take care of numerous patients everyday. I realized that I could do so much more through practicing medicine.

Music can relieve stress and supplyenable courage. However, music cannot treat cancer, and it cannotor transplant organs, medicine can though. This is why I choose to study Cell and Molecular Biology and Biomedical Engineering. I believe that this field of study will advance mehelp me advance on my journey into the medical world, and will realize my goal of becoming a surgeon.

And to answer your question, I think you should add a few sentences about why you specifically chose to be a surgeon.I hope this helps!!!
MieMie09   
Aug 28, 2009
Undergraduate / The cruel and the heartless/ Significant risk or Ethical dilemma [8]

I agree with Llamapoop. The topic seems awkward and sounds infantile.

In the end, I'm ashamed to admit, I did the horrific request. The consequences were severe .

For years afterward my guilty conscience would irk me. I could literally say the guilt was eating me alive.

It just doesn't seem sincere.

May I ask which school is this essay for?
MieMie09   
Aug 27, 2009
Undergraduate / Admission essay - Grandfather [7]

I love this essay. I think it was creative to use someone who you never met before. You don't have to meet someone for them to inspire you. Martin Luther King is someone inspires me and I was born in 1988. But, I agree that you should incorporate yourself in the story more. Explain why he inspired you, not just how? What did he inspire you to do in your life?

Last sentence suggestion: My grandfather died 5 years before I was born, but he will be an inspiration to me for years to come.

Not necessarily like that, but something more powerful than your last sentence.
MieMie09   
Aug 27, 2009
Undergraduate / UCF Admissions Essay - Which topic does my essay suit best? [6]

First I want to say thank you Llamapoop. Your feedback was very useful.
I revised the essay. Tell me what you think.

Can it now suit 1 and 2 as a combined essay?

I decided to title it, "I Am a Bird"

I added a few more words to the ending.

Since I was young, I learned to express myself in the way that was best for me. When I was seven, I won a poetry contest. My poem was about how if I could be any animal I would want to be a bird so that I would be able to soar high through the sky with no limitations on where I went. At the time I had no idea how much that poem would relate to my life. But I knew that words were an outlet for me. They were a way for me to form a connection with myself and others, whether they were spoken or written.

My grandfather always encouraged me to write. He was also very talented in that area. We spent a lot of time together. He was a great father-figure to me. I lived with my biological father, but he was always busy working. Though my grandfather never saw me, due to the fact that he lost his sight the year before I was born, he always told me that I was beautiful. One day I asked him, "How do you know I'm beautiful if you can't see me?" And his response was "well for one, you're a part of my family", and then we laughed. I adored his sense of humor. Perhaps, that's where I got mine from. He then explained to me that beauty shines from within.

As I got older I learned to give people a chance to show their qualities instead of judging them on appearance. This allowed me to take the time to understand people better. I also worked hard to better myself as an individual. I made sure that I excelled at what I did. I did well in school and I was always a competitive person. I won many spellings bees. I also entered an invention contest and won an award for my idea. From elementary to high school my grades soared high like the bird in my poem.

In December 2004, during my junior year of high school, I was in the holiday spirit. But, my cheery spirit soon became cheerless. My grandfather suffered from a stroke. About a week later my grandmother was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer. It became hard for me to focus in school. To my devastation, my grandfather passed on February 21st 2005. Three weeks later on March 11th, 2005, my grandmother also passed. It seemed that everything that meant something to me, including school, was frozen in time. It was a struggle for me to accept the fact that they were gone. But, I had to realize that my grandparents would want me to take advantage of the fact that I still have my life. I had to continue living and make every second count. I graduated from high school, went on to pursue an Associate Degree and I am not stopping there. As a bird is not bound to one branch forever, I will not be bound to the obstacles that life may bring. I will soar high in life with no limitations on where I can go.
MieMie09   
Aug 26, 2009
Undergraduate / UCF Admissions Essay - Which topic does my essay suit best? [6]

1: If there has been some obstacle or bump in the road," in your academic or personal life, explain the circumstances?

2: How has your family history, culture or environment influenced who you are?

3: What qualities or unique characteristics do you possess that would allow you to contribute to the UCF community?

Please tell me which topic my essay suits best? Any suggestions for a better conclusive phrase? Please state your opinions on how I can make the essay better. Thank you.

At an early age, I learned to express myself in a way that was unique to me. At the age of seven, I won a poetry contest. It was about how if I could be any animal I would want to be a bird so that I would be able to soar high through the sky with no limitations on where I went. Words were always an outlet for me.

My grandfather always encouraged me to write. He was also very talented in that area. We spent a lot of time together. He was a great father-figure to me. I lived with my biological father, but he was always busy working. I hold nothing against him though. He had to provide for our family and I respect him for that. Though my grandfather never saw me, due to the fact that he lost his sight the year before I was born, he always told me that I was beautiful. One day I asked him, "How do you know I'm beautiful if you can't see me?" And his response was "well for one you're a part of my family", and then we laughed. I adored his sense of humor. Perhaps, that's where I got mine from. But, then he explained to me that beauty shines from within.

As I got older I was able to understand that phrase better. I learned to give people a chance to show me their qualities instead of judging them on appearance. I also worked hard to better myself as a person. I made sure that I excelled at what I did. I did well in school and I was always a competitive person. I won many spellings bees. I also entered an invention contest and won an award for my idea. From elementary to high school my grades soared high like the bird in my poem.

During the holiday season of 2004, my junior year of high school, I was in the holiday spirit. But, cheery spirit soon became cheerless. My grandfather suffered from a stroke. About a week later my grandmother was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer. It became hard for me to focus in school. To my devastation, my grandfather passed on February 21st 2005. Three weeks later on March 11th, 2005, my grandmother also passed. Everything in life that once mattered to me seemed to fade. It has been a struggle for me to accept the fact that they are gone. But, I have accepted the fact that I have to continue to live my life and make every second count.
MieMie09   
Aug 25, 2009
Undergraduate / Why I chose to apply to UCF? (my journey to success) [21]

tal105

The nursing home stuff is why I wanted to become a health services administrator. But I will try to establish my points better and I do appreciate your feedback. Thank you.
MieMie09   
Aug 25, 2009
Undergraduate / Why I chose to apply to UCF? (my journey to success) [21]

Why I chose to apply to UCF? ~Revised~

It would be an honor to gain acceptance to the University of Central Florida. I have done my research on the university and I know that this is the right choice for me. The diversity of the student body shows that UCF is a school that represents everyone. The variety of degree programs prove that the school is interested in providing people of various backgrounds with many options. It shows that UCF is a place of open arms and a place where everyone will feel welcomed. Something that UCF and I have in common is that we realize that people's lives lead them down different paths, but it doesn't mean that some people should not be treated with an acceptable level of respect and equal opportunities.

Growing up with my elderly, sick grandparents, I have made many visits to hospitals, nursing homes and other facilities where people depend on someone to make them feel comfortable and at ease. Unfortunately, I was not satisfied with the service that the staff at many of the facilities provided. My grandfather was a blind man and when I would visit him his food would be sitting at the end of his bed untouched. It seemed that no one on the staff cared enough to put their time into helping him. I thought to myself, "Who is in charge of hiring these people? What can I do to contribute to the betterment of how a medical facility is run?" This is when I discovered that I wanted to be a health services administrator. I would make it my duty to choose a staff of people who possess the best qualities and who can prove that they are committed to treating people with compassion, no matter what their situation may be. I believe it is important that the staff as well as the patients are happy and I would execute a plan that does both.
MieMie09   
Aug 25, 2009
Undergraduate / "I eat fish" common app + uc app essay [8]

Your writing is very descriptive and really paints a vivid picture. The reader will feel a part of the story.
MieMie09   
Aug 25, 2009
Undergraduate / Money or Health [10]

It sounds like you are trying to hard and you made many grammatical errors.
MieMie09   
Aug 25, 2009
Undergraduate / Why I chose to apply to UCF? (my journey to success) [21]

I don't know you so nothing you say could make me cry, but what I mean by toning down is try being less sarcastic and more suggestive. To my understanding, the personal statement is about the individual who is writing it and what being accepted to the school will have on there life. I do agree that the part where I implied that having a doctorate degree means someone is successful is a stereotype.
MieMie09   
Aug 25, 2009
Undergraduate / Why I chose to apply to UCF? (my journey to success) [21]

I don't see what is wrong with the second paragraph. I'm implying that it would be a great memory to look back on. Also in the last paragraph, I am trying to imply that since a majority of the staff has doctorate degrees, they are equipped to show me what it takes to accomplish your goals.
MieMie09   
Aug 25, 2009
Undergraduate / Why I chose to apply to UCF? (my journey to success) [21]

This is not the finished product, but I would like to know if it sounds to generic, what I can do to improve it? and any other advice you have.

When I had to make a decision about what step I would be taking next to better my life, the University of Central Florida was at the top of my list. If I am granted the opportunity to attend UCF, all of the numbers in the world could not add up to what it would be worth to me. Some of the best things that I've came across in my life are priceless. Amongst having a close family, close friends and finding true love, the benefit of getting a quality education is something that is very important to me. It cannot be sold to or brought from me. Yet, it is one of the biggest investments that I will make in my lifetime.

Fifty years from now when I am sitting in my rocking chair, thinking about my past accomplishments, I want to be able to reminisce about the valuable decisions I have made in my life. It would make me happy to be a part of the history of a university that has climbed up the ladder of success from the start.

It would be an honor to gain acceptance to UCF. I have done my research on the university and I know that this is the right choice for me. The diversity of the student body shows that UCF is a school that represents everyone. The variety of degree programs prove that the school is interested in providing people of various backgrounds with many options. It shows that UCF is a place of open arms. It is a place that wants to see me fulfill my goals.

I have read that over 70% of the staff at UCF has doctorate degrees. Getting accepted to UCF is not only about getting into a top university, but to me it means being accepted into a family of people who will guide me on my journey to success. It also means that I will be surrounded by positive role models who will be my constant reminders of the reward you get from being persistent.
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