Unanswered [2] | Urgent [0]
  

Posts by Jeannie
Joined: Sep 13, 2009
Last Post: Jan 10, 2010
Threads: 10
Posts: 214  

From: USA

Displayed posts: 224 / page 2 of 6
sort: Oldest first   Latest first  | 
Jeannie   
Oct 18, 2009
Undergraduate / "Benny? Benny?! Where are you?" (Rutgers essay appl.) [18]

"But if Daniel were to keep writing "I", then he would seem less selfless and that quality would be nullified"

"so do you think that he should flat out write that he is self less after giving examples. for instance " i believe i am an extraordinarily selfless individual that could bring a new selfless perspective to rutgers because of the experiences i have encountered at an early age" ?"

lolz i couldnt get on to vlatski, so i made metro.. anyway jeanie plz help me curve the essay to fit the rutgers essay question

Busted...

Either you have a split personality disorder or you are lying. You presented yourself as a commentator named Mark/metrostar25 on Vlatski's post, and now you are saying that you are in fact the original writer, Daniel/Vlatski. But you are signed in as Mark. I tried to help you with this essay, but "Mark" decided to engage in argumentative playtime activities instead of bettering his work. I am no longer interested in helping you. Come up with a different name and submit another essay, perhaps we will be fooled again for your amusement.

Meanwhile, Blue skies!
Jeannie
Jeannie   
Oct 19, 2009
Research Papers / The Conflict of Coastal Urbanization and Water Management [7]

I know, it was lengthy. Then again, I haven't read a research paper that wasn't lengthy. Oh, well, thanks anyway. I know I don't deserve this much help; to read 2800 words is really too much to ask of anyone. I understand.

Blue skies,
Jeannie
Jeannie   
Oct 19, 2009
Research Papers / Stuck on ideas for Research Paper (argumentative research topic) 100 class [6]

EF_Sean
I about spit out my coffee! I was going to say the same thing to start!
Exactly what Sean suggested!
What you need to do, Julia, is become very contrary for a second. Pick any topic and then be the devil's advocate; argue why it is not right! It is so easy!

Toilet paper is a miracle of modern invention. <NO IT IS NOT
Toilet paper is directly responsible for polluting the air we breath and desalinating tidal estuaries.
I am a girl...and I came up with that counter argument out of sheer audacity. So can you. Rush Limbaugh does it every single day and gets away with no facts, surely you can make a compelling and factual argument about something.
Jeannie   
Oct 20, 2009
Research Papers / Stuck on ideas for Research Paper (argumentative research topic) 100 class [6]

Or homelessness...there are two distinct sides to that argument, all you have to do is choose one side and research, research, research. I have some sites I can point you to for this particular topic (it is a soapbox of mine), but if you choose another topic, let me know because I have some tools that might help.

...I like to argue. teehee! I can even argue against myself!
Jeannie   
Oct 20, 2009
Research Papers / The Conflict of Coastal Urbanization and Water Management [7]

TeeHee! See, I told you it was long. My teacher has me so paranoid that I was using every single word I know to make a simple sentence! She is not nearly as good at telling me what's wrong as you are, though. Thanks, Sean! I had to re-work it last night after reading your suggestions, and then I had to submit it for grading before time ran out. I think it is much better; I will let you know how it goes...

Blue skies!
Jeannie (ps, I didn't mean to sound whiny, I was being sincere...it is too much to ask!) Thanks again!

"This sentence got so long that you forgot to finish it."

I am putting this truism above my desk not only because it makes me giggle, but because I need reminding!

Two thumbs up!!
Jeannie   
Oct 20, 2009
Research Papers / Research paper using participant observation [3]

Research the history of gender roles within a narrower group (where is your family from?? What culture did your ancestors come from? When did they come to the US? "Gender roles" is a vast subject; you need to narrow it down. The roles of men and women are different in Iran today, for instance, than they have ever been in Great Britain. The roles between genders has changes dramatically in the US since the 18th century. Pick a time, pick a culture! I have some great sites I can point you to for your research...ya just gotta narrow it down and gain back your focus..You can do this!

Samantha, don't forget to make note of the names and times you speak to people. This can be used as a reference on your reference page as a "personal communication" if you are working w/ APA formatting...

Also, send your instructions per your syllabus so we can better help you.

Blue skies!
Jeannie
Jeannie   
Oct 23, 2009
Writing Feedback / Should Euthanasia be legalized? [16]

I realize it is too late now if you had to hand it in today, Johnnie, but Sean is right about plagiarism. In fact, I submitted your essay to the Plagiarism checker at my school, and it came back 45% identical to other authors' words. That is a major problem when there are no citations or quotations. Even if you did cite the authors, 45% of your work is directly quoted from other people. That is way too much. Remember in the future to learn the subject matter so well that you can say it in your own words (still citing the sources from whom you extracted this knowledge, of course), and keep your quotes below 10% of your paper. You should be ok then.

Good luck!

Jeannie
Jeannie   
Oct 29, 2009
Writing Feedback / Should Euthanasia be legalized? [16]

johnnylin_24
There is a whole section on internet sources in the APA guidelines, but you can use the URL (copy and paste from your browser) on your reference page. Do not use the URL when citing the source within the paper - only use the author's last name and date, (turley, 2009). There are other rules too, but to start, here is an example:

References: (a separate page...the last page of your paper should have your references).

Smith, J. (May, 2009).Journal of whatever. How to Mangle APA Formatting. Retrieved October, 27, 2009

Citing the reference within the paper:

It is clear that APA format is difficult; even those who use it every day must be sure to read the rules (Smith, 2009). Bla bla yadda yadda...

Your instructor should have the guidelines. Ask for a copy if you are required to use APA formatting. Regardless, quoting your sources is imperative. That can be accomplished by simply working the quote into your paragraph and saying who said it...

According to Jeannie (2009), "...quoting your sources is imperative."
Jeannie   
Oct 31, 2009
Writing Feedback / Should Euthanasia be legalized? [16]

johnnylin_24
The URL is not verifiable. It only shows a Catholic website, not the article from which you quoted. This is important, Johnny, because the whole point to citing sources is to allow your audience to verify that what you say is true research. Religious websites are really only good when you are speaking directly about that topic withing that religion, otherwise they are biased sources.

As far as your sentence goes...

"The drugs being used in euthanasia cost only about $40, but it could take up $40,000 just to treat a patient without knowing whether it works or not" (Wesley J. Smith, n.d.)

With APA (if that is the style you are supposed to be using), it is never necessary to write the entire first name, and it is only necessary to write the last name and date (or n.d. as the case may be) when citing within the paper. But it is better to do it wrong than not at all. Good job on that front.

I will try to get some time to forward some bits, but I don't know how to send everything you need here. I would ask the teacher.

Oh, I meant to tell you how to cite from a source who is citing from some other source. This is called a "secondary source," and it is frowned upon in higher learning. What Sean said is true, though. You probably don't have to worry about it at this juncture.

Sean also pointed out that you can go to the original source (this is the best way), and to do that, you can scroll to the bottom of the article you are reading to find the author's references - this will be offered in all credible writing, and if it is missing, it is a good indication that the source is not credible. From there, you can further research your topic and find the right person to credit.

I hope this helps!
Jeannie   
Nov 2, 2009
Poetry / Am I getting the metrics?? [24]

I am trying to understand meter poetry...I think I get it, but when my poem is finished it seems like the same 'ol same 'ol I always write. Detailed feedback will be much appreciated!

Heather
Little blue flower,
alone in a sea of struggling green.
Brown winds blow over,
throttling your last breath.
Breathe, and show me sweetness
while the choking gramineae protests,
and the sun smiles,
and you sing your silly songs.

A Good Life
blown in the wind
like the seeds of a dandelion;
merry unto the last hillside,
floating o'er the pond's
sprinkling sunlight
whispered memories blackened
by precious time
thoughts turn to living
weightless.
Jeannie   
Nov 2, 2009
Poetry / The chair..... [6]

I think the chair represents a place of high honor that has been sorely abused.
People who sit in the chair are revered; no one dares to molest the high status that sitting in that chair represents, so the person holding that seat must be above reproach. Oftentimes, though, it is the seat that makes a person above reproach, and people forget that it is not the chair but the person who must nurture the honor.

I like this poem. It is fraught with irony and visually stunning. I can see the bloated Mayor coveting his "chair" lest someone discover he doesn't deserve it!

Really good, Bilal! Now what did you really mean? haha!
Blue skies,
Jeannie
Jeannie   
Nov 2, 2009
Poetry / The United Nations... They go there whenever they want to go... [9]

Ha! I just noticed the "chair" again too! Funny. Do you have a thing about chairs? Hmmm.(just kidding)
Anyway, you do need to tighten this one up a bit. I get your meaning perfectly, and I am certainly no expert on poetry, but it reads long.

The cadence doesn't match with the rhymes, and the rhymes, in my opinion, take something away from the rhythm of the visualization and distract from the substance of your message.

It is either a poem or prose; together, it just doesn't work for me.
I like the message, though, and agree wholeheartedly!
Blue skies, Bilal!
Jeannie
Jeannie   
Nov 2, 2009
Poetry / Any topic related to: Whitman, Dickinson, Yeats, Frost, Stevens, or Eliot [4]

Hi, SB!

I have one word...google.

What you need is info, and the info is right at your fingertips. Do I sound like a commercial? OK, it gets worse. Wikipedia, though the absolute worst site to use for references, has a lot of info on any of your authors. The main thing to do is to scroll down to the "references" section and glean primary source links. You gotta do the research for a six page paper - no getting around it, but start with the work that others have already done to make your life easier.

Like I said, do not use the wiki article as truth! Research the references and discern whether they are credible sources or not...it is just a place to start in a pinch.

Good luck and blue skies!
Jeannie
Jeannie   
Nov 2, 2009
Poetry / Am I getting the metrics?? [24]

Yep, a 64.1 on my math test...in case ya'll were wondering about my sudden burst of fun-writing...ahhhh, poetry is so soothing to me even if it isn't correct.

Riverbank

echoing my soul
glistening water
waving to burnished treetops
struck chilled by autumn's warmth
and the memory of the promise of cold
like minds in that canoe
gliding through with no care for tomorrow
just the cold warmth of now.
Jeannie   
Nov 7, 2009
Poetry / Am I getting the metrics?? [24]

"Dis-rhythmic words are people too."

I like that.

Thanks, Kevin!

************************************************************ *******

Bilal,

Your writing is good and will get better each time you write. I like the metaphors you use and the way you drive the message with irony and passion. Keep writing, keep reading. Soon, it will come easily. Blue skies!
Jeannie   
Nov 7, 2009
Undergraduate / This is the world of Autism ; Common App Essay - Person of Significant Influence [13]

HI, Kevin!

This is the question you have to answer in your essay, "How would you benefit from and contribute to such an environment?" As I see it, you already have all of the 'considerations' mentioned in the prompt covered in your essay as far as what you would contribute to them. All you need to answer now is what you can glean from an education at Rutgers - what do you think they can provide for you?

After you answer that, you have to whittle your essay down to 3500 characters (including spaces??Is there a way to count that besides physically counting it?). That will be the hardest part because your essay is so comprehensive and topic-focused.

I would go with it being one of many talents and experiences that have shaped the person you are but also perhaps the most significant reason why you have so much to bring to the Rutgers' table. Maturity, work ethic, and dedication are the stock that makes for a very successful academic career.

I look forward to reading the finished product!

PS> I am still trying to imagine what 3500 characters would be in word count...let me count my characters here..hang on...

OK, I got cross-eyed after counting 200 characters (27 words...) Good luck with that! Let me know if you know of a way for the computer to do that; I've never had to...Thanks:)

Blue skies!
Jeannie
Jeannie   
Nov 8, 2009
Undergraduate / common app: character in literature! review? [5]

That was lovely.

I'll comment more after I blow my nose... :)

Blue skies!

Jeannie

OK...sniff

abstrusely < is this really necessary? Your writing is beyond good enough without the use of long-buried (for a reason) words like abstrusely that the average reader has never seen. Besides, it sounds like a dessert with baked apples inside...distracting.

I also wonder if "demurely" is the right word here..."my sister demurely hides out in our room..." It seems like she was more likely hiding out of fear than any polite shyness.

I know you aren't done with editing, and there is very little left to tweak, so I will look forward to the finished product! Do post it; this story is excellent, and you told it so well!

I really did need to blow my nose (don't tell anybody), that says a lot! :)

Blue skies, Daniela,

Jeannie
Jeannie   
Nov 8, 2009
Letters / Need help for IOWA MBA Application cover letter [4]

The enclosed resume provides my inclusive and accomplished background including:
- Over four years of experience in Information Technology
- Experience in leading and mentoring
- Extensive experience in Community work and other activities
- Strong Communication and Interpersonal skills
- Strong Technical and analytical Skills


You made a list which was exactly what they said not to do in the instructions :), "NOTE: Do not simply list items that are included in your application materials," so I would make your bullets into a paragraph.

"As you will see from the enclosed application, I have an extensive background in information technology with strong technical and analytical skills. Leadership and mentoring have also been a rewarding part of my career thus far, and have fueled my commitment to perfecting interpersonal communication..."

Something like that, see?

Basically, a cover letter is a formal letter summarizing what the recipient is about to discover in your application, resume or CV. Keep it concise, but sell yourself...it is The First Impression.

Fix that first, put it all within a 'formal letter' format, and go from there. I do think you can work your community service into your cover letter, actually, I encourage it!

Again, though, it needs to read like a business letter. Remember that formal letters must have a thesis, body, and conclusion just like an essay...

I hope this helps a little bit.

Blue skies,

Jeannie
Jeannie   
Nov 8, 2009
Undergraduate / An experience through which i have gained respect for differences [10]

Hi, cissylewel,

I loved your story! I have many questions now; you have piqued my curiosity.

There are many grammatical errors, though, how soon do you have to turn it in??

Is this an application essay or...what? It is important for me to know why you are writing it so I can prioritize my feedback. Let me know.

It is a great subject/story, though! I will be googling the Yi while I wait for your response if you are still on here... :)

Blue skies!

Jeannie
Jeannie   
Nov 8, 2009
Undergraduate / An experience through which i have gained respect for differences [10]

Hi, again! I have a major eye-headache, so I went to Word to do some corrections in bigger font. I will explain in more detail tomorrow when I have rested my old eyeballs, but here is the revision. Compare it to what you wrote sentence by sentence, and see if it seems to make sense. Sorry I can't be more helpful...

Breathtaking. Giant trees kept sunlight away from the heart of the holy forest. Even birds vanished. Arcane song in an unfamiliar language and the glimmering notes from all the women's silver jewelry were the only sounds I heard. I stood in the middle of a crowd formed of 88 female relatives I barely knew. Each wore a suit of exotic dress that would be exchanged for another in 15 minutes; I felt faint. The oldest woman in the tribe came to me with a blue and black dress; solemnity showed on her face...

It is not a movie or a day-dream. It is a ritual called "costume changing," an Adulthood Ceremony for Yi girls, and I witnessed it personally. Half of my blood belongs to Yi, one of the 55 Chinese minorities that inhabit southeast China. I never paid attention to such things so, when I was 17, my mom took me to the tribe to "let you gain some respect to your blood, and after experiencing this holy moment, I did.

My interest and understanding of Yis dramatically increased. The awe inspired by humanity/nature harmony makes Yi people live a naive or even original life, but they are hundreds of times happier than city dwellers. Yis have a strong responsibility to their living environment, because trees are their gods, and birds and dogs are their benefactors.

I hope one day I can bring this part of my cultural diversity to Michigan, and speak of my reverence toward nature and humanity. I feel a strong impulse to share my viewpoint of the simple and joyful lifestyle of the Yis and describe their special singing and dancing...I dunno, maybe I am just really tired, but this last paragraph is awkward somehow...

Blue skies (and moonlight!) :)

Jeannie
Jeannie   
Nov 8, 2009
Undergraduate / common app: character in literature! review? [5]

Excellent! Only a couple of things...

Did you mean to say this > "By a brink of faith" in paragraph 5? Or did you mean "by a twist of fate??" The word 'brink' conjures pictures of you standing at the edge of faith...

I was going to mention something about your first sentence and the word 'unclosed' meaning open, but then I thought, "if the weather can be partly cloudy, does that not lend precedence to the use of unclosed?" teehee. By unclosed, I know you mean more closed than open so it works. "With my eyes slightly unclosed..." I like it now that I think about it.

Hmmm, the other things are just so minor that they really don't bare mentioning.

I think it's a go. Perhaps others may see some glaring error I missed, but I don't think so.

Good luck in your future endeavors! Maybe I'll see your name on a book one day :)

Blue skies!

Jeannie
Jeannie   
Nov 8, 2009
Undergraduate / An experience through which i have gained respect for differences [10]

Ahhh! I thought you were only witnessing the event! Cool! I read some about the Yi people and there beliefs last night. I believe many of the same things, and in fact consider myself a pantheist, so I found Yi culture extremely interesting.

Good luck! It is really a great story and on point for cultural influences that broadened your understanding of other people.

Blue skies!

Jeannie
Jeannie   
Nov 12, 2009
Undergraduate / This is the world of Autism ; Common App Essay - Person of Significant Influence [13]

EF_Kevin
HI1 I do have word count, but I don't have character count. In the original request there was a mention of the essay having to be no more than 3600 characters including spaces, the original plea has been altered...either that or I am going crazy. Oh, well, no matter. :)

Ah ha! Found it! "Only personal essays submitted via our website will be considered. You may enter a maximum of 3800 characters including spaces."

So how do you count characters?
Jeannie   
Nov 16, 2009
Undergraduate / An experience through which i have gained respect for differences [10]

Thanks, Kevin! No, I didn't know about contributors. I checked out your link - really great idea for future applications and references! I am happy to contribute, and I asked to join the group. Thank you!

Blue skies! Jeannie
Jeannie   
Nov 16, 2009
Letters / Reference letter for a post grad Telecomms research degree [6]

I'm writing this reference at the request of {John Doe} who is applying for a sponsored PhD research program at {name of Univeristy applying to} (Ref num: {reference number}).

I have known {John} since {year}. I supervised his dissertation ({dissertation title}) and lectured for one of his modules, ({module title}). {John} is unique in that he offers commercial and working-life <you could also say he offers real-world experience from...< experience combined with the precision of thought that his academic career has engendered. His enthusiasm and dedication to both his dissertation and to my module was outstanding, and I highly recommend him for your research program.

Based upon my observations, {Mr. So and so} is intelligent, diligent and energetic in his work, and I am confident that he would be an asset to both the research team and to the University as a whole.

If you require any further information or any more questions regarding {my name}, then please feel free to contact me via email at {referees email address}.

Notice your name starts as a full name (to establish your identity), goes to your first name only (shows fondness and familiarity) and ends with the Professor calling you by a title to show his or her new-found respect for you (Mr. so and so or Dr. so and so, whatever...) I use this tool in any reference I give because it helps to show a time line of growth, i.e.:

"Beverly Brennen came to us as a temporary employee in March, 2008. Since then, Beverly has shown outstanding ability, leadership, and work ethic far surpassing that of her peers. I would recommend Ms. Brennen for Medical Proficiency School at the earliest opportunity." Just a made-up example...

Good luck! I hope this helps.

Blue skies! Jeannie
Jeannie   
Nov 16, 2009
Writing Feedback / TOEFL ESSAY " Shools should ask students to evaluate their teachers" [13]

HI!

This is a tough one, so I will start with some small issues:

1. Try to avoid the words "really" and "very." A simple statement will do. Otherwise, you should use an adjective to describe something better rather than relying on "really" or "very" to express yourself.

2. Present tense---------Past tense
He is---------------------He was
I am----------------------I was
They are-----------------They were
They keep---------------They kept
I know--------------------I knew
She has------------------She had
I have--------------------I had
There are tense (past/present) issues throughout your essay. You also have problems keeping the singular and plural apart. When you build a sentence, you must have every word either in the present tense or the past tense and everything in either singular or plural. This is true of your entire essay in most cases. Here are some examples in your own writing:

"students who isn't qualified enough still learn to develop their education."
You have students (plural) who is not (singular). It should be a student who is not or students who are not.
"As we knew, bad students always have antipathetic attitudes..."
Here you have "knew" (past tense) and "have" (present tense) when it should read either knew/had or know/have. I know it seems insurmountably confusing (I was going to say "very" haha!) But you will get there with practice! Get rid of the contractions (isn't, didn't, wouldn't), get your tenses to agree, work on your singular and plural nouns and pronouns, and submit this again so we can work on it some more. Keep up the good work!

Jeannie
Jeannie   
Nov 16, 2009
Faq, Help / Is it safe to post my essay here? Or should I be worried about Plagiarism? [174]

No. You are the author no matter where your writing gets posted, printed, or said. Now, if you took my writing and posted it for revision without crediting me as the author of the original, that would be plagiarism. Also, if any of your work includes that from another author and you fail to cite that author correctly, you would be guilty of plagiarizing that author's work.

Plagiarism is a fancy way of saying "stealing." If you are not stealing, you are not plagiarizing. Beware, though, when putting something you learn into your own words that you really put it in your own words. If your words too closely resemble another's, it is called paraphrasing and should be cited as such.

Hope this helps! It was an excellent question, but try not to be too paranoid. Just remember to give credit where credit is due and you will be fine.

Blue skies!

Jeannie
Jeannie   
Nov 17, 2009
Writing Feedback / Forward or first page - A Book I am Writing [18]

When y'all get a minute (or an hour) tell me if this is really boring or if I have only read it too many times while editing. There is quite a bit more, but I will spare you that for now, teehee! Be advised, it is 763 words, so grab your hot tea and cookies first!

Cielos Azul

Forward or first page



There is no mark that a skydiver leaves; no vapor trail, no tracks in the snow, no wake in the water. You would not even know we had been there if not for the blue sky that whispers of the sweet, secret passing of souls through its magnificence. The blue sky is loud and cannot keep a secret very well from those who choose to listen. I remember every word for I have passed through that beauty. I have seen the light from other souls. I have witnessed the silent screaming of joy, and I have tasted my own love. I was born here.

I was a little girl with the first dawning of innocence being slowly broken by years. I wanted so much to feel the Truth. I wanted to be free and untouched by ugliness. I would sway in the tree-tops for hours, bending the branch to the very cusp of its snap. I wanted to know that God was there. I wanted everyone to know that I was not afraid.

I was terrified. Not of the tree or of its branches breaking, but of living a life without the hope of ever being good enough. Most of all, I wanted to be happy. The tree made me happy. The cold-metal taste of the sky made my tongue bless my ancient eyes, and the dark, secret, flesh of the highest leaves caused my thighs to grab tightly. I am old now.

I have noticed the words "use to be" leaving my lips often throughout the day.

Used to be, I plucked my own tomatoes off the vine and ate them where I stood, or brought them to the stand where we sold the fruits (and vegetables) of our labor. Most of the time, we just played and picked, laughed and planted, plowed and moaned. It was a very good time.

Our fields in Ellington, Connecticut, weren't really ours; they belonged to our Landlord, Samuel Fuches. Yes, that was really his name and we made fun of it too! He was a very nice old man. He always had a hat perched just above his brow, in imminent danger of falling off, and a business suit that was worn and frayed around the cuffs but respectable and rather grand nonetheless, and he gave me a dollar for washing the windows of his Cadillac.

Though grownups never actually told me what Mr. Fuches was there for (and I was shooed from any proximity of their adult parley), I knew what was going on, and I felt the tension and the sweat of mommy's anxiety; nevertheless, he let us plant and plow, and my mom always came up with the rent somehow. One year there would be wheat on one side, tobacco on the other; the next, it would be corn and...well...more corn

The tobacco years were the best. I liked the tobacco people. Most of them were hippies or "Spanish". Off-season, I slept many a night in the tobacco barn's rafters watching the bats and owls catch bugs and mice. When there were tobacco-pickers, there were thirsty folk. My Kool-Aid stand was a hit! The bonus was getting to meet all those nice hippies, learning how to count to ten in Spanish, and finding the fat grapes as they turned from green to purple on that hot, sunny, dirt road. It would all come to an end, of course, in the fall.

I would sit and watch the dry dust as the trucks pulled out. The hippies would be long gone, but there were a few Spanish friends nodding and smiling as they walked back up to the road. They pointed to me and laughed, "lemon-aid bandita!", as I kneeled high on the back of my pony, Squirt, and hollered, "After banana!" (That meant "see you tomorrow in Spanish... It took me a few more years to figure out differently, but I know they understood). In one fluid motion, I would wrap my legs once more around Squirt's withers and charge after them, showing off. I was always sad to see them, my summer-school teachers, go. But I felt the hinting chill in the air. I saw the bright, fruitless, promise of blood-orange leaves sucking the last will and testament of summer from the trees before giving it all up to the purple, crimson, waxing of winter. It was the fall. I always knew by the chestnuts showing their soft, green spines. I remember the chestnuts very well, not only for their new and shapely innocence, but for mine.
Jeannie   
Nov 17, 2009
Writing Feedback / Forward or first page - A Book I am Writing [18]

pcvrz34g
You know the old saying, "don't feed the cat and it won't come around?" Well, now you done it!
It gets much worse because I am frankly exhausted with it. It is a good story, though...I just need to quit nit-picking at it. jeez!

Thanks, pcvrz34g, I am glad to hear someone likes it (I was always afraid to ask, so you are the first to give me any feedback...gives me hope that I won't always spend my time staring at my kitten sleeping in the litter box...;)).
Jeannie   
Nov 17, 2009
Undergraduate / Biology, Diversity UC Prompt #1 [5]

...You asked for it...teehee, no, I thought it was great! But there are a couple of teensy problems, as I am sure you know...So let's get to it!

Having lived in the Silicon Valley my entire life , I am placed in a melting pot of ethnicities originating from all across the world. As a result, I have been exposed to many different people (just to get this started up front...people range from areas, not ethnicities or cultures. Australia is a place not a culture, get me?) , ranging from Australians to Filipinos the Philippine Islands (a comma is not needed here because you have a sentence instead of items in a series) and even South Africans,(start a new sentence)each contributing to the mixture of cultures and traditions that make up the constantly changing Silicon Valley today. This broad spectrum of diversity has played a big part in the shaping of my own dreams, in which I can truly appreciate the changes and differences between humans that make an individual so unique.

So far so good! Don't be discouraged by all the red marks, it is the only color I have here <snicker I love your thoughts, and this is an excellent idea!

Blue skies! Jeannie
Jeannie   
Nov 18, 2009
Writing Feedback / TOEFL ESSAY " Shools should ask students to evaluate their teachers" [13]

Very true, Kevin. I will also point out that sending your teacher's feedback back to them graded for grammar and punctuation errors is not a good idea...

Seriously, though, if I were a teacher who was not very comprehensive when giving feedback and no one ever told me, how would I endeavor to change? An instructor in my last block of classes kept taking points off my essay under the rubric prompt "sentences are clear and concise," but she refused to tell me why so I kept making the same mistake over and over (until I posted it here, thank you). If more students had spoken up, perhaps she might have changed her ways. Most teachers are responsive to respectful criticism, she was an exception.
Jeannie   
Nov 19, 2009
Writing Feedback / Forward or first page - A Book I am Writing [18]

I remember every word for I have passed through that beauty

Yeah, I didn't like "beauty" either. It was just a space-holder 'till I thought of something...

Hmmm. How about:

...for I have danced in its ethereal garden...'k now I'm getting overly dramatic, I will think some more on it. I will also work on tying the beginning and ending together better. I have to leave the first sentence alone for now because I am out of ideas that sound pretty. :)

Thanks!
Jeannie   
Nov 19, 2009
Writing Feedback / Forward or first page - A Book I am Writing [18]

blue skies... that's so cool. is that your motto?

"Blue skies!" is a skydiver's way of saying so long and wishing all the best...Save your money and sign your bank account over to a responsible third party before skydiving...it is addicting. :)

Blue skies!

Now back to those changes...

Changed:
There is no mark that a skydiver leaves; no vapor trail, no tracks in the snow, no wake in the water. You would not even know we had been there if not for the blue sky that whispers of the sweet, secret passing of souls through its magnificence. The blue sky is loud and cannot keep a secret very well from those who choose to listen. I remember every word for I have passed through that other realm far above the world. I have seen the light from other souls. I have witnessed the silent screaming of joy, and I have tasted my own love. I was born here.

Is that better, or am I taking "corny" to new heights?
Jeannie   
Nov 20, 2009
Undergraduate / "Why are you considering The Ohio State University?" [2]

Now, the essay is OK, but it sounds too much like you are polishing apples. For instance, how do you know the president of the school is humble? Do you know him personally? Tone down the gratuities and focus more on the facts...by the way, what is the prompt for this essay? I could help you more with ideas if I knew what you were supposed to be writing about. Let me know.

Blue skies!

Jeannie
Jeannie   
Nov 20, 2009
Poetry / Am I getting the metrics?? [24]

Hey! I think I got it! Yay! I went and checked the rules again and saw that I had veered offcourse quite a bit. Thanks for the reminder, pheelyks! How is this? Iambic pentameter:

The sky marks true those times of flight unseen
to lose a breath at wonders begs to mean
we notice now a Truth so fair and bold
a lifetime in the clouds awaits the old.

And souls who would not see this fairest Truth
those wretched lives who lived in saddest days
spend ever in the wasted hands of proof
'till blueness harks and burns away the haze.

The one thing I didn't know was the part about the 10 syllables, that helps. But must it always rhyme? And as you see, I switched up my rhyme from one verse to the next. Is that OK? I am wondering how strict a form it is.