Writing Feedback / Writing task 1 : pie charts- players of electronic games in South Korea [4]

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south korean gamers 2003

Given are pie charts illustrating information about players of electronic games in South Korea in 2003.

Overall, the main age of players dropped into people under 18 instead of over 36 or between 18 and 36. Significantly, the major gender of players was male, not female, in types of games they liked as action, sports, racing, education, role-playing and others.

Firstly, male playing electronic games took account a large proportion (72%), as nearly three times as female with 28%. Besides, proportion of people under 18 was 39%, just higher 1% than this between 18 and 36. The rest was for people over 36, closely a quarter of the age of player pie chart.

Secondly, it's clear that action games made up more than two-fifths and took the biggest part in types of games. The second was sports games with 20% and racing games with 17%. Especially, the proportion of education games just reached to 7%, which was the same to role-playing games. Others remained only 6%.

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Writing Feedback / Temperatures and hours of daylight - Writing task 1 : the tables [3]

Can you check my grammar and give me some advices?

Mumbai, India and Moscow, Russia - weather comparison

Given is the table illustrating about the temperatures and hours of daylight in Mumbai, India and Moscow, Russia during the same weekend in May 2007.
Overall, temperatures in Mumbai on Friday, Saturday and Sunday were much higher than those in Moscow, even both maximum and minimum. Besides, sunrise and sunset time of two cities also had significantly differences.

The weather in Mumbai was quiet hot with maximal temperature during 3 days which slightly fluctuated at 33-34 degrees. Minimal temperature was stably kept with 29 degrees. In addition, the sun rose at 6.00 and set at 19.11 and later on Sunday.

In Moscow, on Friday, the maximal temperature just reached to 8 degrees but raised to 17 degrees on Sunday. However, there were only 2 degrees at the coldest moment on Saturday. Moreover, the sunrise early started at over 4.00. Nevertheless, the sun was downed until after 22.00.

Thanks a lot

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Writing Feedback / Writing task 1 : Proportion of male and female arrests by offence type, 2008/09 [3]

criminal offences by gender in 2008 and 2009

The bar chart gives information about proportion of male and female arrests by different type of offence in September 2008.
Overall, male and female had nearly the same proportion which is the highest in violence against the person. Nevertheless, robbery of both was the lowest in all of offence.

About proportion of male arrests, the violence against the person took account over 30 percent and next was theft and handing stolen goods with 20 percent. Besides, offences as burglary, criminal damage and drug offences were not serious with just over 5 percent, 10 percent and under 10 percent. Robbery, fraud and forgery made up very small number, just about 3 and 2 percent. Moreover, proportion of other offences was 15 percent.

It's seem to be that proportion of female in violence against the person was higher than that of male, almost a third. The second approximately reached with the first is theft and handing stolen goods proportion, about 31 percent. In contrast, proportions of female in robbery, burglary, fraud and forgery, criminal damage and drug offences were quite little, under 10 percent each of offences. Other offences took under 15 percent.

please show me my mistakes to enhance my writing skill. thanks a lot <3

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