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Posts by Osha
Name: Osha
Joined: Jan 27, 2019
Last Post: Mar 1, 2019
Threads: 2
Posts: 6  

Displayed posts: 8
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Osha   
Mar 1, 2019
Writing Feedback / Ielts task 2: people sleep less than before, causes and effects [5]

Thanks for your extremely valuable feedback, but I have a couple of questions if you don't mind.

Regarding my second paragraph, I thought that the causative relation between sleeping difficulty and elevated levels of noise is logical and doesn't need further explanation. In your opinion, how could I have explained it more?

The third paragraph was reviewing the effects on individuals and the society, so I'd like to ask what was missing here in order to completely answer the question?

My last question is about the additional sentence that is needed in my conclusion, do you mean a prediction for example or a recommendation? or something else?

Thanks in advance for your time and effort.
Osha   
Mar 1, 2019
Writing Feedback / Write traffic jams and housing problem (IELTS) [3]

NB, I'm not a native speaker or expert

there are significant grammatical issues nearly in every sentence, so try to revise the basic grammar rules before writing.

... housing issues has have
could be taken tackled/ dealt with/ attenuated by
the rural areas (when speaking in general, don't use {the} with plurals.)
cities-center which is a good solution (it is a complete sentence , not a relative clause, no need for "which")
... and their workers to the rural areas that could be to reduced traffic jam ...
their private cars
If each everyperson/ everyone uses a car, ... become overloaded
... out of the cities, ( use "the" when you are talking about a specific thing, for example, a specific city. Writing about general countable nouns requires using either the plural form or the singular form with the article "a/an"

they won't will notdrive (do not use abbreviations in a formal essay) cars in the inner city. (This argument is very week in terms of logical consequence and the choice of ideas)

Bangkok and Thailand
could becan addressed the traffic jam rate.( unnecessary passive)
the housing prices
The houseing prices are
means workers are find it difficult to
buy a private house and less space for poorer (this an error of parallelism, when using "and" you have to keep your sentences before and after it in the same structure)

that take lessen the pressure off on overcrowded cities
When the industries ... Beijing, the housing prices is becoming would become cheaper than i... (it is hypothetical situation, use could, might, would instead of the present tense)

the challenge of housing
outside city, that which allows the reduction.
Osha   
Mar 1, 2019
Writing Feedback / Ielts task 2: many people try to look younger than their age, causes and opinion [3]

younger look is trendy



Many people try to look younger than their age. What are the reasons people do this? Do you think this is a good or bad thing?

It is true that many people nowadays are trying to change their body image in order to appear younger. This trend, which is entirely negative in my opinion, is based on many factors.

Firstly, advertisements of cosmetic products overwhelmingly promote a false idea of beauty by modifying people's perception of what real beauty is. People are persuaded to resist any physical signs of aging such as facial wrinkles by using these products in order to look more awesome in the eyes of others. A further factor is that people's desire to engage in social relationships derives them to try hard to look younger. In Egypt, for example, the older a woman becomes, the harder it would be for her to get married because the society usually perceives old women as less desired. This, as a result, forces a significant number of females to modify their physical appearance to look younger.

Despite these factors, there are significant drawbacks associated with this trend. Many people have become so obsessed with their self-image that they waste a lot of money and effort in order to look younger. They tend to buy myriads of cosmetic products and up-to-date fashionable clothes, by which they hopefully can change the way they look. This, consequently, puts a tremendous financial as well as psychological strain on the victims. The physical danger can be another critical effect, by which people might incline into harmful procedures to look younger such as plastic surgeries. These operations, unless for medical purposes, put people at risk of having potential complications such as damaging their normal facial anatomy.

In conclusion, many people are continuously trying to look younger mainly due to the overwhelming of advertisements and the eagerness to gain social acceptance by others. This trend has substantial negative impacts on people's finances as well as their psychological and physical health.

307 words
Osha   
Feb 27, 2019
Writing Feedback / Ielts task 2: people sleep less than before, causes and effects [5]

numerous people nowadays suffer from insomnia



people sleep less than before in many countries. why do people sleep less? what effects does it have on individuals and society?

In many regions around the world, people have less sleeping hours than before. This trend, which is mainly because of the presence of possible distractions and noise pollution in these countries, has serious impacts on individuals and the society.

There are a number of reasons why people sleep less nowadays. Firstly, owing to the great advances being made in technology, many much more interesting options than sleeping have become available for a person to spend their free time. Most people currently prefer to spend their leisure time chatting with their friends using Facebook, for example, or playing video games rather than going to sleep. Some of them may become addicted to such activities, exacerbating the condition even more, leading to further decreasing of sleeping hours. Another factor is that elevated noise levels experienced by urban dwellers inevitably cause sleep deprivation. By upsurging the rates of construction works and traffic congestion in cities, residents find getting into sleep is much more difficult than before.

This problem has drastic effects on individuals and society. By having less sleeping hours, people will lose their ability to relax and energize their body and mind, leading to psychiatric issues such as anxiety and extreme stress. This, as a result, undermines the victims' ability to communicate with others, disrupting their social relationships. Furthermore, staying awake for long periods affect people's mental concentration and, therefore, hinder their productivity. When a driver, for instance, has fewer sleeping hours than their actual body needs, they start working fatigued and demotivated, by which they will be dangerous to not only themselves, but also to other members in society.

In conclusion, wasting people's free time on other activities rather than sleeping, and increasing noise levels in some countries are the main factors behind having less sleeping hours nowadays than before. This results in negatively affecting individuals' psychological wellbeing as well as decreasing their concentration and output.
Osha   
Jan 28, 2019
Writing Feedback / IELTS 2: Getting into a profession on the grounds of gender is not at all acceptable. [4]

Note, I'm not an expert or a native speaker.

Your answer (238 words) is too short for task 2, your essay should be not less than 250 words.

Difference ... is popular>> I think the difference itself is not popular, it is the idea of the presence of difference.

a bad idea >> avoid using any informal or not academic expressions.

Instead of this, a professional

Includeing people in profession (either use the plural form "professions" or put an article " a profession" for the countable singular nouns) considering should consider the skill sets they have.

Time and excellence in work is are ( I think you mean here "good timing" or "good time management " as a skill not "time"
key factors

given job>> "hired" is more accurate here

the skills required

number of jobs

foreign countries.
moreover they >> the usage of moreover here is not accurate ; it should be in the beginning of the sentence (. Moreover, they)

asks for aboutgender

Otherwise, people

who have

any circumstances

if a person ... which he they .. >> use singular they when talking in general without gender specification , or you can avoid this error by using the plural form ( people for example instead of person)

skills required

regarding your task response : it is not answering the question, try to enroll in an Ielts writing course to have a detailed explanation of the requirements of the task.

Good luck!
Osha   
Jan 28, 2019
Writing Feedback / IELTS 2 - The values have been replaced with social status and wealth in how people see others [4]

I feel that most of your sentences are a direct translation from your native language. Most of your words are not accurate in their choice or order.

Regarding your task response, I think you went off topic in paragraph 2. The question is not asking what is the importance of material possessions or how it would make the life easier >>> it's asking about whether they nowadays contribute to a peson's worth perceived by others or the old-fashioned values still have the upper hand in the perception of people's worth. That's what you should refer to in your response.
Osha   
Jan 28, 2019
Writing Feedback / International help for developing countries - what kind of help is the most needed? / IELTS essay [6]

Note :I'm not an expert or a native speaker

there is are a large number ...>> the phrase 'a number of'' is used with plural nouns,so the verb should be plural. Unlike this expression: 'the number of ', which is singular: the number of people is ....

Regarding your essay structure: you have to start first with the opposite argument (which is here in paragraph 3), then state your argument in the 3rd paragraph ( it's better also to refute the opposite one i.e to state your reasons why financial aid is better AND why practical aid is not.)

TRY to keep balance between your paragraphs' length >>pragraph 3 needs more extension.
Osha   
Jan 27, 2019
Writing Feedback / IELTS Essay: In cities and towns all over the world, the high volume of traffic is a problem [4]

Note: I'm not an expert or a native speaker

past one decade >> I feel it's better to say in the last few decades ( although you should only paraphrase the prompt)

this is becoming a major >>> has become

poor public transportation facility>> either use the plural form ( facilities) or put an article for countable singular words

with certain steps by authorities>> taken by / implemented by authorities or you could say ( steps which should be implemented by authorities)

To initiate with, the foremost >>> remove to initiate with ( it's usage here is mechanical and gives no idea as long as you use " foremost")

large cities in search of their employment >> to search for

That is to say >> I feel that there is a grammatical error here but I can't specify.

The first thing done by these

in the last 5 years >> (regarding the example here, I'd prefer not to use any fake statistics, it's a language test so try to show your language ability instead. Say ,for example, a significant upsurge in their numbers.)

resolve the above mentioned issues

the cities, which , as a result , can control

Secondly, governments should invest>>> again either use the plural form or put an article for countable singular words.

To recapitulate,>> I'm not a native speaker myself but I read several native speakers' comments on this word : it's rarely used nowadays so it's better to use ( in conclusion , to conclude)

and should also, plan to >> I think there is no comma after "also"

** your essay structure is great, you just need to extend your ideas a little more and be careful with articles; this systematic error would reduce your grammar score.

Good luck!
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