Unanswered [14] | Urgent [0]

Posts by sleepyshamrocks
Name: Clara S
Joined: Nov 23, 2019
Last Post: Dec 19, 2019
Threads: 4
Posts: 6  
Likes: 4
From: Indonesia

Displayed posts: 10
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Dec 19, 2019
Undergraduate / My race has made me both the insider and outsider - Duke University [2]

Duke University seeks a talented, engaged student body that embodies the wide range of human experience; we believe that the diversity of our students makes our community stronger. If you'd like to share a perspective you bring or experiences you've had to help us understand you better-perhaps related to a community you belong to or your family or cultural background-we encourage you to do so. Real people are reading your application, and we want to do our best to understand and appreciate the real people applying to Duke. (250 word limit)

What Does It Take to Truly Belong

Belonging - what a wonderful, confusing, and complicated concept. Are our identities tied to the slow ascent of the map that traces our lineage? Or are we shaped by the village that raised us?

These are questions that have shadowed me for years. My race has made me both the insider and outsider, suspended between my Chinese heritage and my Indonesian upbringings. Where do I truly belong? Between the tea set and dumplings on my kitchen table? Among the street food and snippets of the local dialect that I use with my friends?

I had always thought that I needed to pick a side to prove the legitimacy of my identity, but as I grew up, I started untangling that web of turmoil. Instead of answering my questions and boxing myself into a definition, I became determined to be the bridge connecting both sides of my identity. I am the person who brings dumplings to my neighbors' Iftar dinner during Ramadan month, the person who regularly introduces Indonesian slang words to my Mandarin-speaking grandmother. I let go of the concept of belonging to only one place and found a home in both the familiar and foreign: the Cap Go Meh celebrations after Chinese New Year, the Muslim orphanage I volunteer in during the holidays, the small Italian commune I lived in during my exchange year, the wet markets speaking a linguistic amalgamation of Sundanese, Javanese, and Hokkien.

College is just another place I'll make a home out of.

What do you guys think? I'm not entirely sure I like this essay, but I don't know what parts to fix.
Dec 19, 2019
Undergraduate / Living for the society - I gave this essay for my college application [2]

Hi! While I find the topic a bit too cliché (the 'I realized how lucky I was' essay), I think you can stick with it if you reconsider several points:

1. Remove the 'Thank you for visiting us' and 'I felt accomplished for doing something for them' parts, they come off as a little patronizing.

2. Elaborate on the activities you did with the children. All I could grasp was that you served them dinner. What games did you play together?

3. Emphasize on how your character changed because of the visit. Did going to the orphanage become a regular thing? Did you gain a newfound awareness of the people outside of your bubble, and how did that change your actions moving forward? Your current conclusion sounds tone-deaf because it basically amounts to, "My mom made me realize that I was privileged. I'm so happy I didn't go to the mall instead." If this is really the topic you want to bring, make sure it MOVES people, use descriptions that paint a picture of you growing up ignorant of other parts of society, and how going to the orphanage made you more socially aware and drove you to do certain actions after.

Good luck!
Dec 17, 2019
Scholarship / Why would you be a great participant of this scholarship? Well let's be real about that. [5]

Your essay is riddled with grammatical errors and has an inconsistent flow. I suggest not adding the 'great American culture' part because it makes you sound a little desperate. The part about your switch from language to accounting is good, but you have to emphasize why you did it and how it has made you better in the long run.
Dec 16, 2019
Undergraduate / Discovery - What attracts you to Duke? - Duke University essay [2]

If you are applying to the Trinity College of Arts and Sciences as a first year applicant, please discuss why you consider Duke a good match for you. Is there something particular about Duke that attracts you? (Please limit your response to no more than 150 words.)

the opportunity to discover yourself

What attracts me to Duke is its inherent belief that a university is not just a place where people go to study, but an environment where students are allowed the opportunity to discover who they are and where they belong in this world. With Duke, I hope to be able to achieve a healthy balance between student life and academics through challenging classes that are complemented by the social environment, student organizations, research opportunities, and civic engagement programs. Aside from academia, I want to pursue experiences that push me to apply classroom-based knowledge and skills to real-life fields. Through the DukeEngage program, I can take part in projects that directly impact communities and explore places outside my comfort zone.

I am excited at the prospect of being part of this vibrant, spirited, and passionate student body and looking forward to seeing the Blue Devils play live!

Feedback is appreciated!
Nov 25, 2019
Undergraduate / Air Cadets, full of suprises and changes. - UBC Personal Profile Essay [3]

You have a good link between your time as an Air Cadet and how it has impacted your personality. To me, some parts can benefit from more elaborate explanations: Often, ... required quick adaptations to ... What changes? In what type of situations do you need to be quick on your feet? This, along with ...look at a problem from multiple different angles comes off as telling rather than showing. Has there ever been a time when your quick thinking and unique approach to problem-solving helped other people? How has being an Air Cadet improved the way you see yourself?

As someone who has no clue what an Air Cadet does, I finished reading this passage with a very vague sense of understanding. Perhaps try to imbue more clarity and details on your role in the organization.
Nov 23, 2019
Writing Feedback / The graph - consumption of fish and meat in an European country - how much grams per week? [4]

By In 2004, the country witnessed a decline sharply sharp decline about in the expenditure of beef.

"...which about 250 grams, which reached ..." I don't really understand this part. Try reword it as "...in the expenditure of beef, which reached a peak at 250 grams in 1983," as to not repeat the information.
Nov 23, 2019
Undergraduate / Debating - Most Important Activities - UBC Personal Essay [2]

Tell us more about ONE or TWO activities listed above that are most important to you.

Please explain the role you played and what you learned in the process. You will be asked for a reference who can speak to your response. (350 words)

Debating has shaped the way I think and perceive the world in ways that no other activity can. Through debate, I have learned the importance of being able to address issues from different perspectives and engage with the opponent's arguments in order to create well-informed ideas. This has influenced the way I approach discussions with other people; objectivity, proper research, and the willingness to see the other person's side are key to establishing a peaceful and productive conversation. Furthermore, debate has taught me how to handle criticism towards my ideas and self, and how to separate those that I do have to address moving forward and those that are not constructive at all. This is especially important to me because I used to view criticism as an attack on my character, when it was really an opportunity for me to learn from my mistakes.

During high school, I took on the responsibility of being captain of the team. As captain, my role includes coaching middle and high school members, adjudicating debates during practices, facilitating discussions on various issues, preparing practice motions, and helping the school arrange internal competitions.

Like debate, I have been in the student council all throughout high school. When I was elected as president in Year 11, I was responsible for leading the student body, implementing student events, and liaising with the school administration, among others. Our activities came to a peak during preparations for our largest event, a run-for-charity raising funds for the construction of a mobile library to be used by the local community. The event was projected to attract over 400 participants, so I constantly hovered over my members during the three months of preparation, worried that they might not be able to pull through with their responsibilities. This turned out to be a flaw in my leadership, and after multiple discussions with my team, I realized that being a good leader meant trusting my members to perform their roles instead of trying to micromanage everything. Since then, I have continuously self-evaluated my actions in order to become a better leader.

This essay feels a little stiff to me, but I'm not sure what to improve. I'll gladly appreciate your help!
Nov 23, 2019
Writing Feedback / YOUR FAVORITE KIND OF MUSIC [4]

Hi, I suggest you check your grammar and punctuation, as it would greatly improve the AO's perception of your writing. Maybe try connecting your second-to-last paragraph with your conclusion to make it stronger.

Great work!
Nov 23, 2019
Undergraduate / The Swiss Army Knife - UBC Personal Essay [2]

Tell us about who you are.

How would your family, friends, and/or members of your community describe you? If possible, please include something about yourself that you are most proud of and why. 250 words

My parents often refer to me as a Swiss Army knife, equipped with enough tools to prove versatile for any situation. To them, I am the responsible eldest child and a dependable presence for my younger brother and sister. To my siblings, I am a trailblazer in the art of self-expression, spending weekend mornings burning pancakes and shooting hoops with them. With friends, I am both spontaneous - egging them on to try the newest horror escape room or pop-up restaurant - and a worrier - checking Google Maps to ensure that we make it at least an hour before it opens. In school, I have been student council president and alto singer in the choir, debate captain and a pianist for musicals, lead breaststroke swimmer and a community service volunteer. My community sees me as someone who has a penchant for seeking new experiences, whether to have fun or to take on a challenge, reveling in the breath of fresh air that every new hobby or role brings about.

This desire for adventure led me to receive a scholarship from AFS Intercultural Programs to spend an exchange year in Italy. Between Year 11 and 12, I immersed myself in a foreign culture and language, spending a better part of the year trying to communicate with my host family and fit in in school. Though it was difficult, I managed to learn the language and create lifelong bonds with the people I met, and I am proud of the invaluable skills and friendships I gained during my experience.

Is there anything I can improve? Thank you!