Posts by naufal abiyyu

naufal abiyyu

Jul 5, 2020

Writing Feedback / IELTS writing task 2: Teenage and adult life as the happiest time of lives [3]

Some people think that the teenage years are the happiest time of most people's lives. Others think that adult life brings more happiness, in spite of greater responsibility.

Discuss both views and give your own opinion.

Answer:
Some think that youth is the best time of their lives, while others argue old age was the happiest. While it is more acceptable due to exploring themselves by trying new experiences at school and career, I believe in adults enjoying life as a result of their hard work.

The happiness of youth striving for education and career is something memorable towards a successful future. Youth struggle especially with colleagues is certainly an unforgettable beautiful moment, however it will be remembered as pleasant moments for everyone. An Indonesian successful lawyer always remembers his youth as the happiest moment. During his master's and doctoral education in Australia was unforgettable moments, especially when he had challenging case projects with his colleagues such as the joyful moments when they had successfully completed it as his first international experience. I believe behind someone's success there must be the happiest moment that can't be seen by others, the struggle of youth is one of them.

The satisfaction and financial adequacy were valued strong reasons to enjoy life in old age, especially to face greater responsibilities as parents. A successful future was actually the happiest goal after the hard effort they had, failure in youth is a reason for success in the future. For instance, an Indonesian businessman namely Rico Huang got his success after several failures. Rico started his business by selling various foods, but due to limited knowledge in the culinary, finally he lost even up to 15 million in just 4 days. But then he switched to mobile phone businesses and selling them through various social media. Finally, this marketing strategy gets a positive response from market demand and ensures his old age to be a happier life.

In conclusion, many youngster enjoy their time to encourage themselves to be great people, while receiving income and enjoying old age quietly will bring more happiness. However, joyful moments depend on what makes us comfortable and happy, sometimes it doesn't matter what age it is.

naufal abiyyu

Jul 5, 2020

Writing Feedback / Essay about reasons and keys to recent situations of local attractions [5]

In my opinion in the introduction paragraph (paragraph 1) you should mention the ideas about the cause of the problem and the solution, then develop it in the following paragraph. Here is my own version for the first paragraph:

... tend to travel abroad than choose their local attractions to explore. While it is more acceptable due to the lack of information about local destinations, I believe the role of the government is certainly needed to promote their local tourism in order to increase the appeal of the community.

naufal abiyyu

Jul 5, 2020

Writing Feedback / IELTS WRITING TASK 2: what do you think - are entertainers worth their fortune? [5]

In my opinion in the introduction paragraph (paragraph 1) you should mention other types of jobs should be highly paid, then develop it in the third paragraph. Here is my version of the introduction paragraph:

Nowadays, it is believed that top athletes, actors, and performers can easily earn their multi-million-dollar paycheques in a short time. Although many people say that stars in the entertainment are far much overpaid than they deserve, I believe those who work for humanity are also entitled to greater pay

naufal abiyyu

Jun 26, 2020

Writing Feedback / IELTS Writing Task 2 (drug addicts should be treated like criminals or patients) [4]

Hi friends, please kindly give me some feedback for this essay...

Some people think that drug addicts should be treated like criminals and sent to jail, while others believe that they should be treated like patients and sent hospital.

Discuss both views and give your own opinion.

Answer:

Some debate about the criminal acts of drug addicts deserves imprisonment. While rehabilitating them to return to a good lifestyle was a good alternative, considering they were victims who must be saved.

Some argue imprisoning drug addicts was a valued punishment for them but will not change for a better lifestyle. As long as they are imprisoned without any special treatment, it will only make them return to such a habit when they had released from prison. For instance, ex-convicts with drug cases in Jakarta get his freedom after 10 years in prison. Unfortunately, he was stuck again with such a lifestyle, and could not control himself in using drugs. However, the output of the prison cannot counter their pleasure in consuming drugs, even just making them a victim that required to be rehabilitated.

On the one hand, treating drug addicts as patients who must be saved was a very noble wise decision. This is because turning them into a healthy society again is a beneficial solution for drug addicts as true victims. A Singapore artist was proved to be a drug addict and got to the jail with a rehabilitation program. However, he served his sentence with a special program, it was done to eliminate his dependence on drugs. The outcome of this detention period would be very meaningful in his life, because he could be saved from the world of drug addiction, even live normally after he was released from jail.

In conclusion, imprisoning drug users was a valued option as a criminal punishment. However, punishment without any means changes it will be useless. Therefore it also requires some special treatment, even treating them as patients who must be saved is the best wise solution.

naufal abiyyu

Jun 26, 2020

Writing Feedback / IELTS WRITING TASK 1 - LINE GRAPH - VEGETARIAN DIET IN UK FROM 1960 TO 2020 [4]

As far as I know, the overview paragraph is discussing main trends, differences, or stages in a graph or chart without any detailed data such as percentages and number of years. Here is my version of the overview passages:

Overall, the vegetarian diet was very popular and increased dramatically among teenagers in the first period. However, after reached a peak, the figure presented a slight decline before bouncing back and showing a stable trend in the following year.

naufal abiyyu

Jun 26, 2020

Writing Feedback / IELTS WRITING TASK 2: Whether all or just some wild animals should be protected? [4]

- Here is my suggestion for the example you gave regarding the presence of worms in paragraph 3:
for example, the worms existents in the highland area are very important for soil fertility, and it was very good for supporting agricultural production. Besides that, the worms play a role in maintaining soil structure properly especially after heavy rains, preventing natural disasters such as landslides and floods.

- I think in the conclusion paragraph, it will be better if you restate the 2 ideas discussed then give your implications or opinions.

naufal abiyyu

Jun 21, 2020

Writing Feedback / Should children not be allowed to watch TV? [2]

Children should not allow to watch TV.

To what extent do you agree?

Answer:
It is quite common for children to watch TV. Children would have a good educational show of it at different ways, but is also some that are inappropriate for children to watch.

The idea of disallowing children to watch TV is the most valued as this leads to some inappropriate impressions watched, making parents forbid children to watch TV. It seems more children are getting interested in watching TV shows that are not appropriate for their age. For example, since 2016 Trans TV Channel has launched reality show that related to adult love affair, and therefore "Aku Mau Putus" program is one of the TV programs that begin to attract the attention of children broadcasted every Friday at 15:00 to 16:00. This shows how adults kissing and hug which are inappropriate for young people to watch.

On the other hand, allowing the children to watch an educational TV show is the wise choice for them. This is because more and more TV programs present shows that are related to school activities, and this helps children to recall the information they have learnt at school when watching the shows. For example, since 2018 Ministry of Indonesia Education has launched a policy to make sure that schoolchildren can review their school subjects through TV, and therefore "Belajar Bersama" broadcasted every day at 16:30 to 17:30 is one of the TV channels launched to present social and scientific knowledge designed to young learners aged 7 to 12.

In conclusion, a parent should sort out a good TV show for children wisely. That is the best way for them to educate themselves through good shows. Disallowing children to watch TV can be controlled by ensure them to get the appropriate impressions.

naufal abiyyu

Jun 21, 2020

Writing Feedback / Having an organized room will lead you to the success. [4]

- I think you should mention the 2 ideas in the first paragraph that you will develop in the next paragraph before you start the discussion paragraph.

- In the second paragraph, you should give an idea before giving a reason. for example, "a successful career and a neat room are something different and there is no causal relationship between them" then you can give a valued reason for this statement.

- In the third paragraph, I only see your reasons without an example to support your statement. According to the instructions in this question "Use specific reasons and examples to support your opinion"

- In the last paragraph, you should strengthen your statement by writing a brief reason that has been explained before, it would be better if there is an implication from the conclusion paragraph. For example, "the successful career was not always reflected in how a person organizes a neat room, the valued reason that can influence it is hard work and perseverance to reach the life goals"

naufal abiyyu

Jun 21, 2020

Writing Feedback / Massive growth of international tourism directly affected to the wide knowledge of English language [3]

- I think you wrote the body paragraph 2 in irrelevance because you are actually discussing more other local culture such as Ngaben in Bali. You should discuss more the scarcity of local languages due to people use too much English in the local area so that's why the local language becomes forgotten, as you have said in the introduction paragraph that is "it might drive some drawback that leads to local language rarity".

Therefore, the example presented in body paragraph 2 should be about the scarcity of the local language in a region.

- However, you are giving an idea which is outside the instructions, the question was what are the advantages of using English as a global language. The second idea about the scarcity of local languages was totally a negative impact. Here is a reference idea from me:

"However, having one form of language to communicate brings merit, as it could be the connecting dot between two distinct cultures, in addition, it will more likely increase the opportunities of someone from a non-English speaking country to enhance their career to an international level"

naufal abiyyu

Jun 21, 2020

Writing Feedback / WORK FROM HOME OR GO TO THE OFFICE (?) [2]

Some people believe that work from home increases productivity. Others say that people should go to the office.
Discuss both views and give your opinion.

Answer:
Some get productivities when they stay at home, while others prefer to work from the office. While it is more acceptable due to disciplined atmosphere in the office, I believe that those stay working at home are getting more convenient.

Some workers need to have a disciplined environment to be productive, making them have to work in an office. It seems more employees are getting more productive when they are given the pressure of office targets. For example, since 2014 one of the biggest graphic design companies in the world called Pentagram located in the US has instructed their employees to create logo designs for their office work. Every worker has to give their best 5 logo designs in every single day of work. This is how Pentagram designers get their productivities and build a reputation as the biggest graphic design company in the world.

On the other hand, a sense of comfort at home is the reason why they can refresh the mind during work. This is because more companies give freedom of working at home for their employees to make them comfortable for works. Since Indonesian movie corporation "Creative Media" has instructed to their editor to create short movie edited from their home in 2018. Every editor has to collect their best trailer movie edited to office. Therefore, the company will evaluate and give some valuable feedback on their creation to be revised without any pressure atmosphere. This is how Creative Media keeps the souls of employees in order to stay fresh.

In conclusion, a worker should increase their productivities. That is the best way for them to have a disciplined environment to be more productive at work. However, people who feel comfortable in the fresh atmosphere certainly be more productive make them stay working at home.