phatdanghocielts
May 17, 2021
Writing Feedback / It is often said that that songs help to connect others around the world. Do you agree? [3]
First of all, you should check your writing thoroughly so that you won't lose marks on Grammatical Range and Accuracy:
It is often said thatthat songs help to ...
... make a bad impressionof on people ...
Secondly, you mentioned this piece of argument in your paragraph:
However, some songs that are contrary to the traditions would ...
I strongly advise you not to do this because it goes against your initial point of views in your essay. You could only mention it when you want to create a counter-argument as a way to strengthen your argument or when the instructions require you to make a comparative essay
Thirdly, some of your arguments seem a little bit off and vague:
In conclusion, I believe that an easy way to come closer, even ...
Do you mean that an easy way to connect people of different cultures and ages is through music?
And finally, I suggest you write an essay that has 275 and above words since I believe that it would make your essay to be more precise and persuasive.
First of all, you should check your writing thoroughly so that you won't lose marks on Grammatical Range and Accuracy:
It is often said that
... make a bad impression
Secondly, you mentioned this piece of argument in your paragraph:
However, some songs that are contrary to the traditions would ...
I strongly advise you not to do this because it goes against your initial point of views in your essay. You could only mention it when you want to create a counter-argument as a way to strengthen your argument or when the instructions require you to make a comparative essay
Thirdly, some of your arguments seem a little bit off and vague:
In conclusion, I believe that an easy way to come closer, even ...
Do you mean that an easy way to connect people of different cultures and ages is through music?
And finally, I suggest you write an essay that has 275 and above words since I believe that it would make your essay to be more precise and persuasive.