Posts by jean253

jean253

Nov 1, 2009

Graduate / 'Finite element method and Material science' Engineering statement of purpose [7]

I strongly disagree with the last responder. You should not delete almost all of your essay. Rather, you should add to it. I see some strong points in this essay. But I think I should wait to give you feedback until tomorrow when I'm not so tired. Can you tell me what the prompt is? That will help me help you. I will get back to you ASAP tomorrow.

jean253

Oct 31, 2009

Undergraduate / "I will not conform" - UF essay [4]

I understand the "overall message" of this essay and I'm not suggesting it be changed. I think langa makes his point very well in this paper. I was just expressing my own opinion as a side note.

jean253

Oct 31, 2009

Undergraduate / "I will not conform" - UF essay [4]

Hi. I'm sorry to hear that you had to go through that. That sounds like a very scary experience. I have a few suggestions for your paper. Your first and second sentences are a bit long. I think those sentences will be easier to read if you break them up. Also, I'm not sure what you mean when you use the word "humorous" to describe your hospital visit. That word doesn't really make sense in the context of the sentence. So, did you take your make-up tests? I think that's an important detail you've left out of your essay. If you did take them, you should use this as evidence to back up your claims in the last paragraph. If you didn't take them, then you should mention this in terms of what you learned from this experience. One last thing:

Life will sometimes create hardships that act as obstacles between me and my goals;

This is just a side note, but I think going to the hospital for a failing lung is a pretty good excuse not to take a test. Hopefully you took enough time to heal after your surgery before taking any exams.

jean253

Oct 31, 2009

Undergraduate / "Surviving from Depression" UF prompt [3]

Hello. I'm going to try to give you some helpful feedback on the content of your essay, then I will help with your grammar.

"I felt worthless, in order to release my anger, at some point I started to cut my arm and after every cut I poured salt on the it so that it would give a transient "pleasure"."

First, I think you should definitely think about taking this sentence out because it's unnecessary to be this graphic in an admissions essay. It made me a little queasy when I read it and you probably don't want the admissions officer to become queasy while reading your paper! Also, your thesis statement throws the reader off because it suggests that you will be talking about your near death experience. I think you should change your thesis to something along the lines of how your own experience with a disorder influenced your interest in psychology in general terms. Prepare the reader for what you will explain in your subsequent paragraphs. In the paragraph starting with "I decided to change," Maybe start this paragraph with: "After I attended psychological counseling..." And I think you should take some time to give specific examples of what you learned when you researched this disorder that intrigued you about psychology. I think you should take this statement: "I was fascinated by the complexity of psychology and dedicated myself to studying it." Change the "was fascinated" to "am fascinated", and include this as the topic sentence for the paragraph where you explain taking a supplemental psychology class. Then give more examples of your dedication to psychology in this paragraph.

Now I will help you with grammar:

"I rushed out of the classroom as tears ran uncontrollably out of my eyes. My teacher and my classmates were completely astonished."

"With no warning, my life turned into an unprecedented disaster."
(unprecendential isn't a word)

"The "hyperactive and diligent me" was lost in the midst of a stormy ocean: gloomy, fatigued, and depressed."
(I don't think a stormy ocean is fatigued and depressed. Could you provide a more accurate metaphor?)

"In the ninth grade I skipped school, slept too much, and pathetically, I had zero interest in former hobbies, academic studies, and friends. On school days, I remember how I stared at my chapter test paper for seventy-five minutes, wrote down nothing, and drove my Physics teacher insane."

(In formal writing you should spell out numbers.)

This statement: "I began doing research upon my problem in order to find a cure." should be revised to something like: "I was curious about available treatments for major depressive order, so I began researching the topic."

(This seems more clear to me.)

"I could not stop, since I had no choice, but to pursue a normal life."
(Personally I think you did have a choice. Could you say: "I could not stop these feelings of despair, but I continued to pursue a normal life." )

"Luckily, I overcame all the obstacles and through a session of studies, I refound myself though an episode of relaxation therapy and self-encouragement."

(Refound isn't a word. You should revise this)

"Since I know what it feels like to ensure a psychological disorder,..."
(I think you meant "endure")

"I'd like to devote myself wholly for psychology."
(Change "I'd" to "I would." Abbreviating is not a good idea in formal writing)

"The University of Florida means to me not only superior education, but also a maturation process for me to acquire the capacity and confidence to succeed in my career."

I hope this help and good luck to you!

jean253

Oct 31, 2009

Undergraduate / FSU Essay - "Vires, Artes, Mores" ; Resilience has shaped me. [5]

I just think your essay would be much more effective if you elaborated on these experiences:

"Reciting monologues to surprised applause, offering evaluations for contention en masse during Speech & Debate, co-editing my school's yearbook and working a steady job (with a bank account that actually shows it) have all convinced me that limits are self-imposed."

You might have already done this, but if you offer vivid examples such as what you enjoyed/didn't enjoy, etc. about these experiences then the paper would be more about your qualifications as a student. I'm just saying, me as the reader, I'm curious about what the specifics are. For example, I would like to know more details about your speech. What was the topic of your speech? Who was your audience? How did the speech go? etc. Personally, I don't think there's anything wrong with your thesis. I think you should mention that you've overcome hardships, but you are only allowed 500 words so why not talk about what your qualifications are as a student, current employee, and future employee.Though your hardships are significant, maybe just reduce the amount of time you spent talking about them so you have more room for showing off your successes. Speech & Debate, co-editing the school yearbook, and the rest of what you mentioned in that particular sentence are all impressive to the admissions committee. In my first draft of my admissions essay, I spent way too much time focusing on the negative. One of the moderators brought that to my attention and I revised my paper. Now my paper seems more focused on why I would make a good student at their school and I'm more satisfied with it. It's just a suggestion. In my opinion this essay has the potential to be great. Good Luck!

jean253

Oct 29, 2009

Undergraduate / Why I want to become a nurse (Common App #1) [5]

Hi. Your essay is very nicely written. It was very touching for me to read. I've worked in nursing homes as a food server and I definitely understand where you are coming from on the issue of good care for senior citizens. I think you are definitely on the right track with this essay. I only have a problem with one sentence: "This new, positive outlook brought a sense of reality to the time we spent together, and to my feelings concerning that time." Is there a way you could state what you mean more clearly? In my opinion, it sounds like you are saying that your new positive outlook makes the time you spent with your grandma, and your feelings more real. That doesn't make too much sense to me. But that's just my opinion Oh, let me suggest just one more thing. I don't think your definition of the word "experience" is necessary. It implies that the reader does not know what an experience is, and it's not really a "grabbing" part of your statement. There are a lot of other things that define people beyond just experiences. Maybe you could work on your introduction and make it more interesting and accurate. I hope this helps you. Great job and good luck!

jean253

Oct 28, 2009

Undergraduate / FSU Essay - "Vires, Artes, Mores" ; Resilience has shaped me. [5]

Hello. You seem to have used the thesaurus way too much. I think it's okay to use it once in a while, not too often though, but I think you should try using words that you are used to using. I think the admissions officers will get irritated at your use of fancy words in almost every sentence in your essay. Maybe try "just saying it" in a way that comes naturally to you. Furthermore, I don't believe this essay actually answers the prompt question. So far, all I can really get from this essay is that you had problems occur in your life, you recited some kind of speech to an audience, were involved in Speech and Debate, co edited in the school yearbook, and worked a job. These are great things to mention about yourself but you sound like thousands of other students who are submitting essays. You should focus more attention on what "strengths of all kinds" mean to you, or "beauty of intellectual pursuits means to you, or "character, custom, or tradition" means to you. You should include either one or all of these ideas in your paper while focusing more on your successes, less on the negative aspects of your life. I hope this helps you!

To the last responder: You should edit your response before you get suspended. The responses on this website have to be insightful.

jean253

Oct 26, 2009

Undergraduate / Computer Science...Intership and volunteer work [3]

Prompts
Academic History:

Tell us about your college career to date, describing your performance, educational path and choices.

Educational Challenges / Personal Hardships:

I appreciate any suggestions.

To The Admissions Committee:

I never fit into the typical girlish image. As a youth I played with dolls and had tea parties with other girls, but I was unusually consumed by activities that were commonly considered a boy's domain. I muddied my clothes, climbed to nauseatingly high tree tops, played hours of video games, and tinkered with computers. Despite the generalized concept that girls were not as technically savvy as boys, I quickly grew passionate about the artistic value of video games and the logical nature of computers. My family survived off of my father's social security disabilities check, so we could not afford the high tech luxuries I craved in my earlier years. On my friends' computers, I taught myself how to type, surf the web, use programs, and repair simple technical problems. When I finally reached an employable age I worked to save up enough money to invest in a computer. As an adult my creativity, talents, and logical abilities were polished through hands on computer work for a college and volunteer work for a significantly special group of people.

At Clover Park Technical College my instructor gave me exciting news of an opportunity for me to work alongside the administrators of the school. The school committee was looking for someone to design a simple database using Microsoft Access and was offering an internship to someone who was qualified for the job. A year before I decided to study programming at Clover Park, I was enrolled in the Database Management program at Bates Technical College. My instructor at Clover Park told me that I was more qualified than my peers and encouraged me to take the opportunity. I was nervous about accepting the offer to say the least but the project offered me irresistible challenges and prestige. I designed a database that functioned to track articulation agreements between Clover Park and other colleges. It was a highly challenging project. I worked such long hours at the school they practically had to kick me out of the classroom on a nightly basis. I obsessively took notes at committee meetings. And the project followed me home every night as I could not stop thinking about it and working on it well into the late hours of the day. Balancing class time and homework was frustrating, but somehow I successfully managed my time. The work was hard, the hours were long, but I enjoyed taking ideas from people and using my talents to mold them into a successful creation. It was truly satisfying and the committee was pleased with my work.

Volunteer work allowed me to enjoy the more artistic side of computers. Using music programs, I assisted my father in entertaining mentally challenged people at the special dances that were put on for them. My sister who is mentally challenged was our inspiration. My father and I put on holiday dances and brought my sister along so she could meet new friends. It was a pleasure to watch my sister mingle and dance with other people who were a part of her community. Having a mentally challenged sister and working with her community gave me natural compassion and sensitivity towards people who possess different backgrounds. In the near future, I plan to become a volunteer for the Tacoma Area Coalition for Individuals with Disabilities(TACID) with their computer recourses department. This facility needs volunteers who have experience with computers to assist mentally disabled people with computer applications. The organization also needs skilled individuals who can rebuild computers for the mentally handicapped. In the distant future I may be qualified enough to offer this volunteer service to them.

My educational history demonstrates that I have what takes to succeed in computer science. But unfortunately at times I have encountered serious obstacles. I completed a rigorous high school program called Fresh Start offered at Tacoma Community College. My grades improved drastically in high school over a period of time. Unfortunately my grades became erratic in college because I started to suffer with alcohol addiction. Some grades do not reflect my true dedication to my field of study. I left school six months ago to receive treatment from SPARCS inpatient treatment and I am now ready to work hard to achieve my goals. As a student I can offer the University of Washington my dedication to making small but significant impacts on the community, and the school can offer me the intellectual means to achieve this goal. Thank you for your consideration for my application.

jean253

Oct 25, 2009

Undergraduate / UF Application: "My graphic design class - an influential experience." [4]

Your revisions are coming along nicely, but I would like to suggest a few things. In the first paragraph where you placed the first semicolon, I don't think it belongs there. When you use semicolons the sentences should be complete sentences that can stand by themselves."much like me and my growing interest in digital design." is not a complete sentence. The sentence can be used with a colon like this: However, programs changed over time: much like me and my growing interest in digital design. colons are less restrictive than semicolons, but you can also revise the whole sentence to: "However, much like me and my growing interest in digital design, programs changed over time." But I think using a colon is more effective. It's up to you. Also, I'm not sure if this is exactly wrong but where you placed the "-" before the word "whether" and after the word "Illustrator" does not seem like it belongs in formal writing. Maybe replace the "-" with commas and it will work perfectly. Furthermore, this seems a little awkward to me: "- a statement that is applicable to all other academic subjects." Maybe revise it to: "It has been an experience that has taught me how to take responsibility for my work. As with other academic subjects, ultimately your final grade depends on how much effort you put into each project." Lastly, I must apologize for my suggestion for my previous suggestion on the sentence containing the word "fondly." This word actually belongs before the word "remember." Other then that, everything looks great to me. Good luck!

jean253

Oct 24, 2009

Undergraduate / Personal Statement for UW admissions (I'm a female who loves computer science) [4]

I forgot to mention that the word limit is supposed to be 600 words. I felt that could not elaborate on certain statements because I've gone well over the word limit.

jean253

Oct 23, 2009

Undergraduate / Personal Statement for UW admissions (I'm a female who loves computer science) [4]

Prompts
Academic History:

Here is my personal statement for the University of Washington. I didn't get very fancy with it. Please give advice. I would appreciate it!

To whom it may concern:

I want to start by thanking you for taking the time to consider my statement. My field of study is computer programming. I am inspired to go into the business of programming because it provides a way for me to demonstrate my creativity and my logical abilities. Furthermore, I am excited to take on the challenges of being female in a mostly male oriented field.

Growing up I did not fit into the typical girlish image. I played with dolls with other girls but I also appreciated video games which was commonly considered a boy's domain. My family was on limited income as we survived off of my father's social security disabilities check, but I was able to enjoy games and computers at my friends' houses. I have grown to appreciate the logical nature and artistic value technology has to offer. In my earlier years I taught myself how to type, surf the web, and use programs on the computer. In my later years I went to school and learned how to design simple programs. As a teenager I was given the opportunity to enjoy the more artistic side of computers. Using music programs, I assisted my father in entertaining mentally challenged people at the special dances that were put on for them. My sister who is mentally challenged was our inspiration. My father and I put on holiday dances and brought my sister along so she could meet new friends. The experience was more than merely a service to society. It was a pleasure to watch my sister mingle and dance with other people who were a part of her community.

My educational goal is to become a competent computer programmer by utilizing the tools that school will provide me for my future career. At this point in time I am significantly close to earning an Associate's degree. I plan to attend school full-time and graduate within a little more than two years. I will become certified in computer programming after completing a bachelor's degree and possibly dedicate myself to earn a master's degree. After I graduate and become certified, I will look for work at a smaller company and eventually strive to work for a larger corporation such as Microsoft. My educational history demonstrates that I have a strong desire to work in the computer industry though at times I have encountered serious obstacles.

In 2006 I completed the Fresh Start program for high school students offered at Tacoma Community College with 46 college credits and a "B" average.

My grades at Tacoma Community College reflect that I take college seriously and I have much promise in my educational career. After receiving my diploma, I attended Bates Technical College in 2006-2007 where I pursued a degree in Database Management. I did well in the beginning but after a while I struggled to maintain good attendance and decent grades. Unfortunately at that time I was beginning to struggle with alcohol addiction because I suffered from untreated social anxiety panic attacks. While attending Bates, my grades reflected both when I was not drinking as heavy and when I was drinking daily. In 2008 I transferred to Clover Park Technical College where I excelled for a while. I received "A" and "B" grades and was offered an internship. Using Microsoft Access, I assisted the Clover Park Technical College committee in designing a database that functioned to track articulation agreements between Clover Park and other colleges. The committee was pleased with my work. Again the alcohol problem began to take over and I ended up withdrawing from classes or failing classes, passing only some occasionally. My grades at Clover Park reflect the fact that I am a talented student who has struggled with alcohol addiction. I left Clover Park in Spring of 2009 to receive inpatient treatment.

Currently I am attending outpatient treatment and Alcoholics Anonymous meetings. In the near future, I plan to become a volunteer for groups such as Alcoholics Anonymous and the Tacoma Area Coalition for Individuals with Disabilities(TACID) so I can help others who suffer from addiction and also help people with mental disabilities. Having a mentally challenged sister and working with her community gave me natural compassion and sensitivity towards people who possess different backgrounds. As a college student who has suffered from alcoholism, I have also taken an interest in researching alcoholism and how it affects different groups of people. Studying Sherman Alexie's poems offered me a more mature understanding of the role of alcoholism on reservations. I firmly believe that I will fit in as a student at the University of Washington because this school will allow me to strengthen and build on what I have already learned about diverse groups of people. I appreciate your consideration for my application.