aa6877
Dec 31, 2009
Undergraduate / "We're moving." -School Life and Diversity - The University of Washington Essays [15]
Thanks Mustafa1991 =) I'm off to apply then!
Thanks Mustafa1991 =) I'm off to apply then!
aa6877
Dec 28, 2009
Undergraduate / "We're moving." -School Life and Diversity - The University of Washington Essays [15]
I'm happy with the essays now, any second opinions anyone? Please, I'm running out of time now and this is all I'm waiting for. Thanks
I'm happy with the essays now, any second opinions anyone? Please, I'm running out of time now and this is all I'm waiting for. Thanks
aa6877
Dec 27, 2009
Undergraduate / "We're moving." -School Life and Diversity - The University of Washington Essays [15]
Thanks for the advice! I tried to improve the intro and conclusion, and I compressed a few sentences in the other paragraphs to fit the word limit. Oh, and any thoughts on whether or not I could use these essays for the other prompts I mentioned?
Thanks for the advice! I tried to improve the intro and conclusion, and I compressed a few sentences in the other paragraphs to fit the word limit. Oh, and any thoughts on whether or not I could use these essays for the other prompts I mentioned?
aa6877
Dec 26, 2009
Undergraduate / "We're moving." -School Life and Diversity - The University of Washington Essays [15]
Just need the final word on my essay before I submit my apps, Please! Thanks!
Just need the final word on my essay before I submit my apps, Please! Thanks!
aa6877
Dec 25, 2009
Undergraduate / "We're moving." -School Life and Diversity - The University of Washington Essays [15]
Any help? =) I'd like to get my last applications done and over with. Oh, and a question, could I use Essay #2 for this University of Wisconsin prompt:
The University values an educational environment that provides all members of the campus community with opportunities to grow and develop intellectually, personally, culturally and socially. In order to give us a more complete picture of you as an individual, please tell us about the particular life experiences, perspectives, talents, commitments and/or interests you will bring to our campus. In other words, how will your presence enrich our community?
And could I plausibly use Essay #1 for the Harvard Supplement essay "experiences in other countries?
Any help? =) I'd like to get my last applications done and over with. Oh, and a question, could I use Essay #2 for this University of Wisconsin prompt:
The University values an educational environment that provides all members of the campus community with opportunities to grow and develop intellectually, personally, culturally and socially. In order to give us a more complete picture of you as an individual, please tell us about the particular life experiences, perspectives, talents, commitments and/or interests you will bring to our campus. In other words, how will your presence enrich our community?
And could I plausibly use Essay #1 for the Harvard Supplement essay "experiences in other countries?
aa6877
Dec 23, 2009
Undergraduate / "We're moving." -School Life and Diversity - The University of Washington Essays [15]
I tried to change up Essay #1 a little bit; I changed the structure and talked more about adjusting to Pakistan. I'm a little lost on the conclusion though, I'm not sure what else there is to say.. any suggestions? And anymore advice on Essay #2? Thanks.
I tried to change up Essay #1 a little bit; I changed the structure and talked more about adjusting to Pakistan. I'm a little lost on the conclusion though, I'm not sure what else there is to say.. any suggestions? And anymore advice on Essay #2? Thanks.
aa6877
Dec 21, 2009
Undergraduate / "We're moving." -School Life and Diversity - The University of Washington Essays [15]
That's reassuring, good luck with everything! Do you have any advice on how to improve my essay? Any critique on grammar or content? Thanks.
That's reassuring, good luck with everything! Do you have any advice on how to improve my essay? Any critique on grammar or content? Thanks.
aa6877
Dec 20, 2009
Undergraduate / "We're moving." -School Life and Diversity - The University of Washington Essays [15]
Hi everyone. Let me just say that these essays are definitely not my greatest work, but I hope that they are adequate enough. Let's just say that in my current situation I was not in the best condition to write. It's not that I had procrastinated, but there have been many things going on, out of my control, that have affected me... adversely. Anyway I did my best given what I'm going through and hope these essays are ok, and I would really appreciate a critique of them. Thanks.
Essay #1:Discuss how your family's experience or cultural history enriched you or presented you with opportunities or challenges in pursuing your educational goals. (500-650 words)
"We're moving."
These words have been solemnly spoken to me more often, perhaps, than to most other youths growing up. Now, looking back at my life, I can wholeheartedly thank my parents for giving me the multicultural childhood they did. With each school came different opportunities for growth. I had a multitude of chances to experience positive change and I learned to adapt to all kinds of situations.
I started elementary school in the USA, in the city of Alexandria, Virginia after moving there from my hometown of Islamabad, Pakistan. Living in a small, idyllic neighborhood and attending a traditional public school in the beginning gave me a real head-start in terms of my education. Having had relatively small-sized classes and caring teachers allowed me to grow substantially during those vital early years. I had the chance to be a member of a gifted program in 1st grade as well, which was proof that my elementary school in Alexandria had an encouraging environment that provided me with an array of opportunities and let me live up to my potential as a young student.
In the summer before starting 3rd grade, my father received a promising job offer from a company in South Africa. Naturally, he seized the opportunity and we moved there promptly after his acceptance. Attending a private international school there was a significant change for me. However, it was one of the greatest experiences of my life. In terms of education, my school there was top-notch. They placed equal importance on all subjects, and gave me my first taste of foreign language class. Being international, the school had a very diverse group of students and teachers. I made friends with children from all around the world there; this exposed me to a plethora of different cultures and helped me develop open-mindedness to different types of people.
When I started middle school in 7th grade, my family had moved back to the US, once again in accordance with my father's career. I was back a public school, and at first I loathed it. It took some time for me to properly assimilate from small, close-knit classes into substantially larger ones. After finally accomplishing the daunting task of making friends and doing well in classes again, I realized I had personally transformed by becoming more extroverted. Despite this, educationally, my middle school years were quite satisfying. The school was well-equipped with good teachers and classroom facilities. I had the chance to take some unusual classes that expanded my way of thinking.
Finally, my high school years were spent in Pakistan, the country of my birth and nationality. The transition into a private local school here was, in many ways, the hardest I had to make. The style of schooling, based on the British EdExcel GCE O-level and A-level system, was difficult to get used to, because of its rigor and curriculum. Also, as I attempted to blend into the Pakistani students' crowd, I discovered that I was more of an outsider than I had ever been. Once again, as I had in the move to the USA, I had to learn to open up and develop more self-esteem if I wanted to have the best school experience possible. I am proud to say that I have been successful, and now I truly appreciate the high level of education I received in Pakistan.
In conclusion, I feel immensely grateful for having had such a multifarious life. It is not an easy thing to move, to leave beloved friends and cherished homes behind, sometimes only to exist as memories; but I can personally attest to the fact that it can all pay off in the end. My family's journey has provided me with a wide scope of enriching experiences that have made me more cultured and cosmopolitan as a person - something that I am quite proud of.
(645 words)
Essay #2:The University of Washington seeks to create a community of students richly diverse in cultural backgrounds, experiences, and viewpoints. How would you contribute to this community? (Recommended length: 250 words)
Eyes twinkling with delight, my brother gazed in awe at the small black fish flitting around the enormous aquarium. It was the only one of its kind, hence why it got the most glances from my brother and me; being different was what made it so interesting.
Being an individual is one of the most difficult things to accomplish in a world where conformity is the easiest route. I have always done my best to try nonetheless. Being open-minded, non-judgmental, and tolerant of everyone is one of my most compelling ...
(247 words)
Hi everyone. Let me just say that these essays are definitely not my greatest work, but I hope that they are adequate enough. Let's just say that in my current situation I was not in the best condition to write. It's not that I had procrastinated, but there have been many things going on, out of my control, that have affected me... adversely. Anyway I did my best given what I'm going through and hope these essays are ok, and I would really appreciate a critique of them. Thanks.
Essay #1:Discuss how your family's experience or cultural history enriched you or presented you with opportunities or challenges in pursuing your educational goals. (500-650 words)
"We're moving."
These words have been solemnly spoken to me more often, perhaps, than to most other youths growing up. Now, looking back at my life, I can wholeheartedly thank my parents for giving me the multicultural childhood they did. With each school came different opportunities for growth. I had a multitude of chances to experience positive change and I learned to adapt to all kinds of situations.
I started elementary school in the USA, in the city of Alexandria, Virginia after moving there from my hometown of Islamabad, Pakistan. Living in a small, idyllic neighborhood and attending a traditional public school in the beginning gave me a real head-start in terms of my education. Having had relatively small-sized classes and caring teachers allowed me to grow substantially during those vital early years. I had the chance to be a member of a gifted program in 1st grade as well, which was proof that my elementary school in Alexandria had an encouraging environment that provided me with an array of opportunities and let me live up to my potential as a young student.
In the summer before starting 3rd grade, my father received a promising job offer from a company in South Africa. Naturally, he seized the opportunity and we moved there promptly after his acceptance. Attending a private international school there was a significant change for me. However, it was one of the greatest experiences of my life. In terms of education, my school there was top-notch. They placed equal importance on all subjects, and gave me my first taste of foreign language class. Being international, the school had a very diverse group of students and teachers. I made friends with children from all around the world there; this exposed me to a plethora of different cultures and helped me develop open-mindedness to different types of people.
When I started middle school in 7th grade, my family had moved back to the US, once again in accordance with my father's career. I was back a public school, and at first I loathed it. It took some time for me to properly assimilate from small, close-knit classes into substantially larger ones. After finally accomplishing the daunting task of making friends and doing well in classes again, I realized I had personally transformed by becoming more extroverted. Despite this, educationally, my middle school years were quite satisfying. The school was well-equipped with good teachers and classroom facilities. I had the chance to take some unusual classes that expanded my way of thinking.
Finally, my high school years were spent in Pakistan, the country of my birth and nationality. The transition into a private local school here was, in many ways, the hardest I had to make. The style of schooling, based on the British EdExcel GCE O-level and A-level system, was difficult to get used to, because of its rigor and curriculum. Also, as I attempted to blend into the Pakistani students' crowd, I discovered that I was more of an outsider than I had ever been. Once again, as I had in the move to the USA, I had to learn to open up and develop more self-esteem if I wanted to have the best school experience possible. I am proud to say that I have been successful, and now I truly appreciate the high level of education I received in Pakistan.
In conclusion, I feel immensely grateful for having had such a multifarious life. It is not an easy thing to move, to leave beloved friends and cherished homes behind, sometimes only to exist as memories; but I can personally attest to the fact that it can all pay off in the end. My family's journey has provided me with a wide scope of enriching experiences that have made me more cultured and cosmopolitan as a person - something that I am quite proud of.
(645 words)
Essay #2:The University of Washington seeks to create a community of students richly diverse in cultural backgrounds, experiences, and viewpoints. How would you contribute to this community? (Recommended length: 250 words)
Eyes twinkling with delight, my brother gazed in awe at the small black fish flitting around the enormous aquarium. It was the only one of its kind, hence why it got the most glances from my brother and me; being different was what made it so interesting.
Being an individual is one of the most difficult things to accomplish in a world where conformity is the easiest route. I have always done my best to try nonetheless. Being open-minded, non-judgmental, and tolerant of everyone is one of my most compelling ...
(247 words)
aa6877
Dec 11, 2009
Undergraduate / Why Columbia and My Upbringing - The Columbia Short Answer and Essay [20]
I know, I wasn't going to apply to any Ivy in the first place, but my guidance counselor really encouraged me to =) I don't really mind applying to Columbia though, even though I know there is a much smaller chance I'll get in.
So are these fixes ok?Since we are all related, I do my best to follow the golden rule and treat others like I would want to be treated. After all, we are all related in some way. Keeping an open mind about everyone and everything, though difficult at times, has always been a personal goal of mine. I try my hardest to respect life in all its forms, hence why I believe in animal rights, including those of humans (homo sapiens are animals too)!
Oh, and can you recommend a way of making it sound less like me wanting to be famous, and more me just making a positive change? Because just focusing on becoming famous is definitely not what I wanted to express; that's the last thing on my mind.
And is the ending too pretentious? I thought it might be, but I've seen similar endings on some winning college essays that I've read.
I know, I wasn't going to apply to any Ivy in the first place, but my guidance counselor really encouraged me to =) I don't really mind applying to Columbia though, even though I know there is a much smaller chance I'll get in.
So are these fixes ok?Since we are all related, I do my best to follow the golden rule and treat others like I would want to be treated. After all, we are all related in some way. Keeping an open mind about everyone and everything, though difficult at times, has always been a personal goal of mine. I try my hardest to respect life in all its forms, hence why I believe in animal rights, including those of humans (homo sapiens are animals too)!
Oh, and can you recommend a way of making it sound less like me wanting to be famous, and more me just making a positive change? Because just focusing on becoming famous is definitely not what I wanted to express; that's the last thing on my mind.
And is the ending too pretentious? I thought it might be, but I've seen similar endings on some winning college essays that I've read.
aa6877
Dec 10, 2009
Undergraduate / Why Columbia and My Upbringing - The Columbia Short Answer and Essay [20]
You guys are so philosophical =) Thanks for all the help (and compliments!), I'm making the final changes right now ^__^
yang, actually Columbia is sort of tied at first-choice. My others are Berkeley, UCLA, U Wisconsin-Madison, or Johns Hopkins =)
You guys are so philosophical =) Thanks for all the help (and compliments!), I'm making the final changes right now ^__^
yang, actually Columbia is sort of tied at first-choice. My others are Berkeley, UCLA, U Wisconsin-Madison, or Johns Hopkins =)
aa6877
Dec 8, 2009
Undergraduate / "I was influenced" + "Why applying" - Rhodes College Supplemental [7]
Even though he would have preferred me to stay in Italy and study in a close-to-home university, like the majority of Italian students do, I know he does believe in me, and he encouraged me to do the same. In the end, he didn't justhave accepted what I decided on, but he now also helps me with filling in my application forms, believing that Rhodes College is the right place for me.
Weighing the pros and cons of my two final universities, I realized I had been flawless in my search: I had gotten the colleges' requirements, I had taken acollege trip to visit the schools, and I had been emailing with the admissions officers to show my interest. However, I was still missing some information about one of the two schools, so I went to look for it on the internet.
Your essay is wonderful. Good luck! =)
Even though he would have preferred me to stay in Italy and study in a close-to-home university, like the majority of Italian students do, I know he does believe in me, and he encouraged me to do the same. In the end, he didn't just
Weighing the pros and cons of my two final universities, I realized I had been flawless in my search: I had gotten the colleges' requirements, I had taken a
Your essay is wonderful. Good luck! =)
aa6877
Dec 8, 2009
Undergraduate / "I was influenced" + "Why applying" - Rhodes College Supplemental [7]
Hi! Your second draft is quite an improvement, good job! Just a few mistakes here and there:
It is exciting to look for the "perfect college", to find out which school would be best for your next four years of life . However, when it comes to narrowing down your college list, this "appealing search"could turns into a daunting process. You have to arrange the pros and cons of your first-choice colleges, to think about what is good and what you don't like.
Weighing the pros and cons of my two final universities, I realized I had been flawless in my search: I had gotten the colleges' requirements, I had taken acollege trip to visit the schools, and I had been emailing with the admissions officer s to show my interest.However, I was still missing some information about one of the two schools, so I went to look for it on the internet.
That was when I came across a Rhodes student's review. It was by chance, but I couldn't ignore it. It said: "the teachers are great, they would help you achieve-ing whatever you set your mind to." Rhodes teachers believe in you and help you live up to your full potential. Facing the reality, my ambition doesn't match with my being an International student .In other words I realized that , considering it is hard to studying in a foreign country, it would be easier for me to be helped by approachable teachers, the kind I would only be able to find find in such a close-knit college. I looked back at my list, and found it hard to feel that same certainty in the other schools on my list. Suddenly, my pros and cons seemed unimportant to me.
However, I knew it was way too risky tojust rely solely on a student's comment to make a school your new first-choice college. That is why I started surfing the net in search of information about Rhodes College. I discovered it to be not only the close-knit school I was looking for, but also a top-tier, high-ranked school, which would be perfect for my pre-medical studies. Also , it was a plus point for the school to be located in Memphis, which plays an important role in medicine. Yes, it may be true that I have never visited Rhodes College, but none other school was able to bring me the same satisfaction.
It took some time for my father to realize I was doing it for real; to accept the fact that I was really going to move out to study in the United States. I couldn't tell from his face how much he must have been worrying while he was sitting at the kitchen table in front of his grown-up kid, who was explaining her plans to him for the first time. I didn't want him to be uneasy about my future, but I couldn't help it. After all, he was the father of one of the 13% of Europea n students who were going to pursue their education in the United States.
However, he did not want to play the role of the bad man once again. In fact, my mother was offered a great job abroad when she was younger, and, in spite of her eagerness to accept it, my father discouraged her to do so, because he was afraid my mother's absence could have ruined our family.
I could see in his eyes that he was remorseful of what had happened in the past, and I understood how much he was trying to overcome his fear of loosing me.
Even though he would have preferred me to stay in Italy and study in a close-to-home university, like the majority of Italian students do, I know he does believe in me, and he encouraged me to do the same. In the end, he didn 't justhave accepted what I decided on my future, but he now also helps me with filling in my application forms, believing that Rhodes College is the right place for me.
Hi! Your second draft is quite an improvement, good job! Just a few mistakes here and there:
It is exciting to look for the "perfect college", to find out which school would be best for your next four years of life . However, when it comes to narrowing down your college list, this "appealing search"
Weighing the pros and cons of my two final universities, I realized I had been flawless in my search: I had gotten the colleges' requirements, I had taken a
That was when I came across a Rhodes student
However, I knew it was way too risky to
It took some time for my father to realize I was doing it for real; to accept the fact that I was really going to move out to study in the United States. I couldn't tell from his face how much he must have been worrying while he was sitting at the kitchen table in front of his grown-up kid, who was explaining her plans to him for the first time. I didn't want him to be uneasy about my future, but I couldn't help it. After all, he was the father of one of the 13% of Europea n students who were going to pursue their education in the United States.
However, he did not want to play the role of the bad man once again. In fact, my mother was offered a great job abroad when she was younger, and, in spite of her eagerness to accept it, my father discouraged her to do so, because he was afraid my mother's absence could have ruined our family.
I could see in his eyes that he was remorseful of what had happened in the past, and I understood how much he was trying to overcome his fear of lo
Even though he would have preferred me to stay in Italy and study in a close-to-home university, like the majority of Italian students do, I know he does believe in me, and he encouraged me to do the same. In the end, he didn 't just
aa6877
Dec 8, 2009
Undergraduate / Why Columbia and My Upbringing - The Columbia Short Answer and Essay [20]
I'm sorry yang, I suppose it was all a misunderstanding =) having the right tone is a hard thing to do over the Internet. Anyway, I took all the advice in this thread - of trying to be unique - and I wrote a completely new essay. In this one, I talk less about my history and family, and more about me as a person. I took one theme and tried to work with it to convey my voice. This is only a first draft, so there is probably a lot to change, but I hope using this approach will make my essay better than my first attempt. (Oh and just a note; Columbia is not my first choice school, if you were wondering, yang. But I really would love to go there)
I'm sorry yang, I suppose it was all a misunderstanding =) having the right tone is a hard thing to do over the Internet. Anyway, I took all the advice in this thread - of trying to be unique - and I wrote a completely new essay. In this one, I talk less about my history and family, and more about me as a person. I took one theme and tried to work with it to convey my voice. This is only a first draft, so there is probably a lot to change, but I hope using this approach will make my essay better than my first attempt. (Oh and just a note; Columbia is not my first choice school, if you were wondering, yang. But I really would love to go there)
aa6877
Dec 6, 2009
Undergraduate / Why Columbia and My Upbringing - The Columbia Short Answer and Essay [20]
Thanks for the critique, the CAPS LOCK and unnecessary sarcasm really helped.
... Anyway, I'm not totally sure why the essay made you so angry, but I'll try to implement some changes you mentioned and I'm working on my second draft right now. But seriously, thanks, I appreciate it.
Thanks for the critique, the CAPS LOCK and unnecessary sarcasm really helped.
... Anyway, I'm not totally sure why the essay made you so angry, but I'll try to implement some changes you mentioned and I'm working on my second draft right now. But seriously, thanks, I appreciate it.
aa6877
Dec 5, 2009
Writing Feedback / I would like to invent an electric-powered harvesting vehicle - energy-friendly and convenient [6]
No problem, just ask me if you need any more help ^_^ In this essay your content was all there though. Good luck with everything!
No problem, just ask me if you need any more help ^_^ In this essay your content was all there though. Good luck with everything!
aa6877
Dec 5, 2009
Undergraduate / Why Columbia and My Upbringing - The Columbia Short Answer and Essay [20]
Hi everyone =) First of all let me just admit that I took some sentences and even whole paragraphs from my UC essay and put it into the Columbia essay. Please tell me if these points are still appropriate to use and relevant to the prompt. Oh, and I'm pretty sure the character limit for the first essay - "Why Columbia" - is 600 characters. Thanks in advance!!
Oh and one more question, is my format ok, or should I write it in the style of a narrative?
Essay # 1: Please tell us what you find most appealing about Columbia and why.
When my guidance counselor recommended me to add "at least one Ivy" to my list of universities, I added Columbia without hesitation. Though I plan to major in a biological science, I think the Core Curriculum will provide me with critical skills in the humanities as well. Also, the comprehensive biology curriculum at Columbia College matches all my needs and interests when it comes to what I ultimately want to pursue. With amazing academics, a central location, and a diverse student body, Columbia University is a perfect fit for me.
(449 characters - without spaces)
(538 characters - with spaces)
(Which character count is the right one to consider?)
Essay #2: Write an essay which conveys to the reader a sense of who you are. Possible topics may include, but are not limited to, experiences which have shaped your life, the circumstances of your upbringing, your most meaningful intellectual achievement, the way you see the world-the people in it, events great and small, everyday life-or any personal theme which appeals to your imagination. Please remember that we are concerned not only with the substance of your prose but with your writing style as well. We prefer that you limit yourself to approximately 250-500 words (or 1-2 pages).
"We're all connected!" exclaimed my biology teacher, her eyes gleaming vivaciously. Thus began her lecture on DNA. I listened raptly and tried to digest the complex idea that information could be stored chemically. I had always been intrigued by the notion that we are all one, and now science was proving it. Quantum physics and genetics, for example, have shed light on this amazing concept.
Ever since I was young, I have always been astonished by the intricacies of life and the universe. I used to wonder whether or not I had a special purpose on Earth, and where exactly I fit into the grand scheme of things. When I came to the realization that all life is interconnected, I felt both humbled and proud simultaneously. I knew that I was a small part of something big, and that feeling was immensely empowering. I wanted to know all there is to know and to see all there is to see.
Living in the USA, South Africa, and Pakistan has complemented my love of new experiences, and having a multicultural childhood has enriched me greatly on many levels. Going to school in each nation has opened me up to all kinds of people. I had the opportunity of experiencing diversity in so many ways by meeting individuals with all kinds of interests and viewpoints. To know that we are all linked is a wonderful feeling.
I do my best to follow the golden rule and treat others like I would want to be treated. After all, we are all related in some way. Keeping an open mind about everyone and everything, though difficult at times, has always been a personal goal of mine. I try my hardest to respect life in all its forms, hence why I believe in animal rights, including those of humans (humans are animals too)!
When I inevitably pass away, I know that I will want to be remembered most for the effect I will have had on this world and the lives I will have benefited through my accomplishments. Knowing through personal experience, as in the case of my education, that I can only make a positive impact if I work hard enough, I strive to excel at everything I do. My enthusiasm for science, specifically biology, has inspired me to pursue research science as a career. I yearn to explore the frontiers of molecular biology, biochemistry, and genetics; to be involved in such a field is a dream of mine. Hopefully, with diligence and perseverance, I could one day be responsible for another discovery that would help humankind advance.
Working for the good of humanity and keeping its vital interconnectedness intact is one of my most compelling aspirations. If everyone on Earth were to know that we are all bound to each other while still remaining unique, the world might be a better place. I endeavor to do my part in hopes of achieving something great - for me, and for us.
(496 words)
Hi everyone =) First of all let me just admit that I took some sentences and even whole paragraphs from my UC essay and put it into the Columbia essay. Please tell me if these points are still appropriate to use and relevant to the prompt. Oh, and I'm pretty sure the character limit for the first essay - "Why Columbia" - is 600 characters. Thanks in advance!!
Oh and one more question, is my format ok, or should I write it in the style of a narrative?
Essay # 1: Please tell us what you find most appealing about Columbia and why.
When my guidance counselor recommended me to add "at least one Ivy" to my list of universities, I added Columbia without hesitation. Though I plan to major in a biological science, I think the Core Curriculum will provide me with critical skills in the humanities as well. Also, the comprehensive biology curriculum at Columbia College matches all my needs and interests when it comes to what I ultimately want to pursue. With amazing academics, a central location, and a diverse student body, Columbia University is a perfect fit for me.
(449 characters - without spaces)
(538 characters - with spaces)
(Which character count is the right one to consider?)
Essay #2: Write an essay which conveys to the reader a sense of who you are. Possible topics may include, but are not limited to, experiences which have shaped your life, the circumstances of your upbringing, your most meaningful intellectual achievement, the way you see the world-the people in it, events great and small, everyday life-or any personal theme which appeals to your imagination. Please remember that we are concerned not only with the substance of your prose but with your writing style as well. We prefer that you limit yourself to approximately 250-500 words (or 1-2 pages).
"We're all connected!" exclaimed my biology teacher, her eyes gleaming vivaciously. Thus began her lecture on DNA. I listened raptly and tried to digest the complex idea that information could be stored chemically. I had always been intrigued by the notion that we are all one, and now science was proving it. Quantum physics and genetics, for example, have shed light on this amazing concept.
Ever since I was young, I have always been astonished by the intricacies of life and the universe. I used to wonder whether or not I had a special purpose on Earth, and where exactly I fit into the grand scheme of things. When I came to the realization that all life is interconnected, I felt both humbled and proud simultaneously. I knew that I was a small part of something big, and that feeling was immensely empowering. I wanted to know all there is to know and to see all there is to see.
Living in the USA, South Africa, and Pakistan has complemented my love of new experiences, and having a multicultural childhood has enriched me greatly on many levels. Going to school in each nation has opened me up to all kinds of people. I had the opportunity of experiencing diversity in so many ways by meeting individuals with all kinds of interests and viewpoints. To know that we are all linked is a wonderful feeling.
I do my best to follow the golden rule and treat others like I would want to be treated. After all, we are all related in some way. Keeping an open mind about everyone and everything, though difficult at times, has always been a personal goal of mine. I try my hardest to respect life in all its forms, hence why I believe in animal rights, including those of humans (humans are animals too)!
When I inevitably pass away, I know that I will want to be remembered most for the effect I will have had on this world and the lives I will have benefited through my accomplishments. Knowing through personal experience, as in the case of my education, that I can only make a positive impact if I work hard enough, I strive to excel at everything I do. My enthusiasm for science, specifically biology, has inspired me to pursue research science as a career. I yearn to explore the frontiers of molecular biology, biochemistry, and genetics; to be involved in such a field is a dream of mine. Hopefully, with diligence and perseverance, I could one day be responsible for another discovery that would help humankind advance.
Working for the good of humanity and keeping its vital interconnectedness intact is one of my most compelling aspirations. If everyone on Earth were to know that we are all bound to each other while still remaining unique, the world might be a better place. I endeavor to do my part in hopes of achieving something great - for me, and for us.
(496 words)
aa6877
Dec 5, 2009
Writing Feedback / I would like to invent an electric-powered harvesting vehicle - energy-friendly and convenient [6]
Good effort! =) Just a few grammatical mistakes here and there. The structure seems to be fine, but you may want to revise some sentences. I highlighted my changes in red .
If I had the chance, I would like to invent an electric-powered harvesting vehicle. It would be convenient , energy-friendly and less time-consuming to use . Farming with this new vehicle could provide wealth and success to farmers in the future.
If farmers use this vehicle, they will not have to worry about how to operate it. In the past, farmers always relied on fuel-powered technologies for farming. They had to run it manually. However, with my new invention, farmers will not have to control it. Their duty would be to input instructions into the computer so that it can work automatically. Moreover, the farmers would be able to change the order all time if they want it to perform other tasks.
Also, they would not have to worry about energy consumption. F uel-powered vehicles are likely to use a lot of fuel each time they are operated, which results in the loss of money. However, by using my new creation, farmers will not have to worry about it. As the new vehicle would be powered by electricity, they would just have to charge its batteries . This way, less energy would be consumed, which would allow farmers to save money.
Another reason an electric harvester would be a great invention is that farmers would have to spend much less time to finishing harvesting work. In the past, farmers used cattle to harvest rice all day, sothat they did not have a free time to do other activities. In contrast, if the farmers used the new invention, it would reduce the period in which farmers have to reap rice in a paddy field; therefore, they have would have more time to relax.
In conclusion, for me, this electric-powered vehicle would be able to help farmers in many ways. It would have simple operating instructions to follow, would not consume much energy, and would lessen the period for farmers to harvest ricein a rice area.
You also might want to work on your conclusion, the last sentence is a little bit redundant (meaning it just repeats what you already wrote). Otherwise, all your points seem relevant.
Good effort! =) Just a few grammatical mistakes here and there. The structure seems to be fine, but you may want to revise some sentences. I highlighted my changes in red .
If I had the chance, I would like to invent an electric-powered harvesting vehicle. It would be convenient , energy-friendly and less time-consuming to use . Farming with this new vehicle could provide wealth and success to farmers in the future.
If farmers use this vehicle, they will not have to worry about how to operate it. In the past, farmers always relied on fuel-powered technologies for farming. They had to run it manually. However, with my new invention, farmers will not have to control it. Their duty would be to input instructions into the computer so that it can work automatically. Moreover, the farmers would be able to change the order all time if they want it to perform other tasks.
Also, they would not have to worry about energy consumption. F uel-powered vehicles are likely to use a lot of fuel each time they are operated, which results in the loss of money. However, by using my new creation, farmers will not have to worry about it. As the new vehicle would be powered by electricity, they would just have to charge its batteries . This way, less energy would be consumed, which would allow farmers to save money.
Another reason an electric harvester would be a great invention is that farmers would have to spend much less time to finishing harvesting work. In the past, farmers used cattle to harvest rice all day, so
In conclusion, for me, this electric-powered vehicle would be able to help farmers in many ways. It would have simple operating instructions to follow, would not consume much energy, and would lessen the period for farmers to harvest rice
You also might want to work on your conclusion, the last sentence is a little bit redundant (meaning it just repeats what you already wrote). Otherwise, all your points seem relevant.
aa6877
Dec 5, 2009
Undergraduate / "I was influenced" + "Why applying" - Rhodes College Supplemental [7]
Hello =)
You made quite a good effort, but I think these essays need a little bit of work. First of all, they're quite short (that's not always bad, but if there is any way you can write more that will help your essay, then go for it)
There's also a few grammatical errors, which I'll tell you about here:
I cannot really say I was influenced by anyone to apply to *****.
At first, actually, I think even my parents tried to thwart me. I am not a mother, but I guess it is not easy to realize your grown-up kid is in that 13% of Europea n students who are going to pursue their education in the United States. The majority of Italian students[s], indeed, usually don't move out for college, and go to a close-to-home university.
However, this definitely won't be my case. E ven though I know that studying in a foreign country is going to be hard, but I still believe it will be the most helpful experience to get autonomy, and also the best way to face a reality other than mine. (That whole sentence was a little bit awkward, you might want to word it differently)
Although they were worried at first , my parents were the first I told that I was going to apply to *****. And they, eventually, not only agreed but also helped me out to fill my forms, believing that ***** was the right place for me.
I would not be entirely honest if I said I was applying to ***** just because it is a top- tier school; high-ranked among the US Liberal Arts Colleges. Of course, considering I am going into pre-medicine , it is mainly because of its strong academics that I grew interested in *****, but then I foundthere was something more in this college. I perceived this from the descriptions of the school, from its students' reviews, and the opportunities it offers. I have been to the States more than once, and I spent last summer in Boston, but I have never visited Tennessee . However, I think it is a good point for ***** to be located in Memphis, which is not just the well-known home of founders and establishers of various American music genres, but it has also a very important role in medicine.
Hello =)
You made quite a good effort, but I think these essays need a little bit of work. First of all, they're quite short (that's not always bad, but if there is any way you can write more that will help your essay, then go for it)
There's also a few grammatical errors, which I'll tell you about here:
I cannot really say I was influenced by anyone to apply to *****.
At first, actually, I think even my parents tried to thwart me. I am not a mother, but I guess it is not easy to realize your grown-up kid is in that 13% of Europea n students who are going to pursue their education in the United States. The majority of Italian students[s], indeed, usually don't move out for college, and go to a close-to-home university.
However, this definitely won't be my case. E ven though I know that studying in a foreign country is going to be hard, but I still believe it will be the most helpful experience to get autonomy, and also the best way to face a reality other than mine. (That whole sentence was a little bit awkward, you might want to word it differently)
Although they were worried at first , my parents were the first I told that I was going to apply to *****. And they, eventually, not only agreed but also helped me out to fill my forms, believing that ***** was the right place for me.
I would not be entirely honest if I said I was applying to ***** just because it is a top- tier school; high-ranked among the US Liberal Arts Colleges. Of course, considering I am going into pre-medicine , it is mainly because of its strong academics that I grew interested in *****, but then I found
aa6877
Dec 4, 2009
Undergraduate / Environmentalism and Leonardo da Vinci - The Common App Short Answer and Essay [10]
Zealzou, I'm sorry, but I don't really understand what you were trying to say...
Zealzou, I'm sorry, but I don't really understand what you were trying to say...
aa6877
Dec 3, 2009
Undergraduate / Environmentalism and Leonardo da Vinci - The Common App Short Answer and Essay [10]
Unfortunately I wish to go into molecular biology/biochemistry, and even da Vinci wasn't ingenious enough to study those during his times =P
Anyway, I revised the 1st and 3rd paragraph a little bit; now in the 1st one I state early on what I would later confirm in the consecutive paragraphs, and in the 3rd one I wrote a little on which particular fields of science I would like to go into. I highlighted the revised parts in red
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Reading Dan Brown's bestseller The Da Vinci Code intrigued me greatly and made me wonder: could Leonardo da Vinci really have been intelligent enough to have hidden all those secret codes in his artworks? Of course, I realized Brown's novel was a work of fiction, but the imaginative story he had crafted inspired me to research da Vinci and learn more about this enigmatic polymath. Upon reading more about da Vinci, it dawned on me that he was the archetypal figure of who I wanted to be; someone who became influential for pushing the boundaries of knowledge and discovery.
[2nd Paragraph are the same]
One thing da Vinci and I have in common is our thirst of knowledge and undying curiosity. His seemingly superhuman ingenuity was evident in his recorded research papers and detailed diagrams. Long before proper calculators were even invented he had already made his own prototype, which he called an Adding Machine. He even had ideas down to build a helicopter! These amazing facts inspired me to look into a scientific research-based career. The fields of biology that interest me the most are the ones that explore the smallest and, in a way, most complex parts of organisms; namely genetics, biochemistry, and molecular biology. I dream of one day making a breakthrough discovery to help humankind; even laying the groundwork for future discoveries would fulfill my aspirations. My hopes of contributing to society in such a way motivate me to always do my best.
[4th and 5th Paragraphs are the same]
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So is there anything I should add? Anything I should leave out?
Unfortunately I wish to go into molecular biology/biochemistry, and even da Vinci wasn't ingenious enough to study those during his times =P
Anyway, I revised the 1st and 3rd paragraph a little bit; now in the 1st one I state early on what I would later confirm in the consecutive paragraphs, and in the 3rd one I wrote a little on which particular fields of science I would like to go into. I highlighted the revised parts in red
-----------
Reading Dan Brown's bestseller The Da Vinci Code intrigued me greatly and made me wonder: could Leonardo da Vinci really have been intelligent enough to have hidden all those secret codes in his artworks? Of course, I realized Brown's novel was a work of fiction, but the imaginative story he had crafted inspired me to research da Vinci and learn more about this enigmatic polymath. Upon reading more about da Vinci, it dawned on me that he was the archetypal figure of who I wanted to be; someone who became influential for pushing the boundaries of knowledge and discovery.
[2nd Paragraph are the same]
One thing da Vinci and I have in common is our thirst of knowledge and undying curiosity. His seemingly superhuman ingenuity was evident in his recorded research papers and detailed diagrams. Long before proper calculators were even invented he had already made his own prototype, which he called an Adding Machine. He even had ideas down to build a helicopter! These amazing facts inspired me to look into a scientific research-based career. The fields of biology that interest me the most are the ones that explore the smallest and, in a way, most complex parts of organisms; namely genetics, biochemistry, and molecular biology. I dream of one day making a breakthrough discovery to help humankind; even laying the groundwork for future discoveries would fulfill my aspirations. My hopes of contributing to society in such a way motivate me to always do my best.
[4th and 5th Paragraphs are the same]
-----------
So is there anything I should add? Anything I should leave out?
aa6877
Nov 29, 2009
Undergraduate / Why I chose Biology - The Johns Hopkins Supplemental Essay [NEW]
Hey everyone, I would appreciate any critiques or comments about my freshman applicant supplemental essay to Johns Hopkins University. Thanks!
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My youngest brother is one of the most inquisitive children I have ever met. He never fails to amaze me with how much he wants to learn about the world. One day he asked me why children look like their parents, and I did my best to explain the concept of DNA. I still remember the spark of wonderment that lit his eyes as I spoke. I thought to myself: By the time he's an adult, scientists will already know so much more about the mysteries of life. Then, everything that we think is complex now will seem so simple. I wonder what it would be like to be one of the scientists responsible for making such discoveries?
In high school, I had the opportunity to learn about a number of different subjects, but the one that captivated me the most was Biology. As a child I had dreamed of being an astronomer and researching the vast, mysterious universe that we live in, but I realized later on that Biology was just as amazing. Earth's organisms never failed to enthrall me with their seemingly infinite complexity. I knew throughout high school, where I took GCE O-level and A-level science courses, that I wanted to be one of the researchers exploring the frontiers of science.
I plan on majoring in Biology if I get admitted into Johns Hopkins University, and by the end of my final year I hope to receive a Bachelors of Science Degree. The reason I decided to apply to Johns Hopkins was because of its high rank as a private university, its emphasis on extensive research, its dedicated faculty and student body, and its excellent, broad-based curriculum. Also, molecular and cellular biology are of great interest to me; this university's B.S. program in Biology is just what I was looking for. I feel that attending Johns Hopkins would put me on the right path to success.
Hey everyone, I would appreciate any critiques or comments about my freshman applicant supplemental essay to Johns Hopkins University. Thanks!
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Interest in molecular and cellular biology
My youngest brother is one of the most inquisitive children I have ever met. He never fails to amaze me with how much he wants to learn about the world. One day he asked me why children look like their parents, and I did my best to explain the concept of DNA. I still remember the spark of wonderment that lit his eyes as I spoke. I thought to myself: By the time he's an adult, scientists will already know so much more about the mysteries of life. Then, everything that we think is complex now will seem so simple. I wonder what it would be like to be one of the scientists responsible for making such discoveries?
In high school, I had the opportunity to learn about a number of different subjects, but the one that captivated me the most was Biology. As a child I had dreamed of being an astronomer and researching the vast, mysterious universe that we live in, but I realized later on that Biology was just as amazing. Earth's organisms never failed to enthrall me with their seemingly infinite complexity. I knew throughout high school, where I took GCE O-level and A-level science courses, that I wanted to be one of the researchers exploring the frontiers of science.
I plan on majoring in Biology if I get admitted into Johns Hopkins University, and by the end of my final year I hope to receive a Bachelors of Science Degree. The reason I decided to apply to Johns Hopkins was because of its high rank as a private university, its emphasis on extensive research, its dedicated faculty and student body, and its excellent, broad-based curriculum. Also, molecular and cellular biology are of great interest to me; this university's B.S. program in Biology is just what I was looking for. I feel that attending Johns Hopkins would put me on the right path to success.
aa6877
Nov 29, 2009
Undergraduate / 'Plummeting down the Rabbit-Hole' - COMMON APP: Ethical Dilemma, and its Impact [2]
First of all, let me just say that I loved the format of your essay. The title and first quote really hooked me and left me wanting to read more; so good job on the intro especially.
The rest of your essay was excellent, your vocabulary was impeccable. The essay really allowed you to showcase your moral superiority over your classmates. I'm sure admissions officers will appreciate honesty and integrity =)
However, there are just a few trivial grammatical mistakes here and there which I highlighted in red . There's also one sentence I thought you could change a bit..
... "Full of curiosity, she hurried across the field after it, and was just in time to see it pop down a large rabbit-hole under the hedge. In a moment down went Alice after it, never once considering how in the world she was to get out again."
(The "Spontaneous. Risk-taking. Inquisitive" line isn't necessary)
"Going down the rabbit hole", a metaphor for a journey into an absurd, nonsensical world, flawlessly depicts my life . However, living life tumbling down the rabbit-hole is, in fact, unexpectedly diverse and thrilling. ...
... After much consideration, I came to the conclusion that, although it would make life much simpler, using the past papers would be a form of academic dishonesty; it would obscure the results I am essentially capable of achieving, and it would hinder me from performing to the best of my abilities. ...
... In the same way Alice eagerly chased after the White Rabbit without a second thought as to "how in the world she was to get out again", I (deleted "want to") eagerly face my decisions with confidence and dignity, not needing to succumb to unethical methods to reach my goals. ...
There's not much content to add, and everything transitions quite nicely. Hope I helped!
First of all, let me just say that I loved the format of your essay. The title and first quote really hooked me and left me wanting to read more; so good job on the intro especially.
The rest of your essay was excellent, your vocabulary was impeccable. The essay really allowed you to showcase your moral superiority over your classmates. I'm sure admissions officers will appreciate honesty and integrity =)
However, there are just a few trivial grammatical mistakes here and there which I highlighted in red . There's also one sentence I thought you could change a bit..
... "Full of curiosity, she hurried across the field after it, and was just in time to see it pop down a large rabbit-hole under the hedge. In a moment down went Alice after it, never once considering how in the world she was to get out again."
(The "Spontaneous. Risk-taking. Inquisitive" line isn't necessary)
"Going down the rabbit hole", a metaphor for a journey into an absurd, nonsensical world, flawlessly depicts my life . However, living life tumbling down the rabbit-hole is, in fact, unexpectedly diverse and thrilling. ...
... After much consideration, I came to the conclusion that, although it would make life much simpler, using the past papers would be a form of academic dishonesty; it would obscure the results I am essentially capable of achieving, and it would hinder me from performing to the best of my abilities. ...
... In the same way Alice eagerly chased after the White Rabbit without a second thought as to "how in the world she was to get out again", I (deleted "want to") eagerly face my decisions with confidence and dignity, not needing to succumb to unethical methods to reach my goals. ...
There's not much content to add, and everything transitions quite nicely. Hope I helped!
aa6877
Nov 23, 2009
Undergraduate / Environmentalism and Leonardo da Vinci - The Common App Short Answer and Essay [10]
Anyone, please I'm running out of time with my applications, I don't want to wait till the last second but I need to know if my essay's ok =(
Anyone, please I'm running out of time with my applications, I don't want to wait till the last second but I need to know if my essay's ok =(
aa6877
Nov 22, 2009
Undergraduate / Environmentalism and Leonardo da Vinci - The Common App Short Answer and Essay [10]
Anyone have any feedback? Sorry for the double post.
Anyone have any feedback? Sorry for the double post.
aa6877
Nov 21, 2009
Undergraduate / Environmentalism and Leonardo da Vinci - The Common App Short Answer and Essay [10]
I changed my da Vinci essay a little bit; taking out a bit of the superfluous content about him and adding a bit about more about me. Honestly, I don't really know what to add; I thought I had covered all the points well enough but apparently not =( Could you guys give some advice if you think I still need to add a bit more of something? Thanks.
I changed my da Vinci essay a little bit; taking out a bit of the superfluous content about him and adding a bit about more about me. Honestly, I don't really know what to add; I thought I had covered all the points well enough but apparently not =( Could you guys give some advice if you think I still need to add a bit more of something? Thanks.
aa6877
Nov 4, 2009
Undergraduate / "the Kingdom of Bhutan" - COMMON APP ESSAY, CHECK [7]
No you didn't seem to be lacking in any sort of content. If your primary focus was how you overcame your shame about being Bhutanese, then you definitely mentioned enough about that.
No you didn't seem to be lacking in any sort of content. If your primary focus was how you overcame your shame about being Bhutanese, then you definitely mentioned enough about that.
aa6877
Nov 3, 2009
Undergraduate / Environmentalism and Leonardo da Vinci - The Common App Short Answer and Essay [10]
Hey everyone, I would really appreciate a critique on these two pieces I wrote for the Common Application:
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Essay # 1: In the space provided below, please elaborate on one of your activities (extracurricular, personal activities, or work experience) - (150 words or fewer).
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The heat was almost unbearable that afternoon, but I remained stoic because I knew that day was important. It was finally time for the first event that the Environmental Society at my school had organized: a hiking trail clean-up. Using only garbage bags, shears, and gardening gloves we managed to clear up many of the malignant weeds growing in the area, and we also managed to liberate the trail of much of the litter it had accumulated over the years.
I had signed up for the society hoping to assist the group with its noble environmentalist endeavors; fortunately we accomplished more after the clean-up. Joining the society and participating in its activities was an enriching experience. I truly felt like I was helping save the world, and making a few good friends on the way was a wonderful bonus.
(139 Words)
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Essay #2: Describe a character in fiction, a historical figure, or a creative work (as in art, music, science, etc.) that has had an influence on you, and explain that influence.
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Reading Dan Brown's bestseller The Da Vinci Code intrigued me greatly and made me wonder: could Leonardo da Vinci really have been intelligent enough to have hidden all those secret codes in his artworks? Of course, I realized Brown's novel was a work of fiction, but the imaginative story he had crafted inspired me to research da Vinci and learn more about this enigmatic polymath. Upon reading more about da Vinci, it dawned on me that he was the archetypal figure of who I wanted to be.
Leonardo da Vinci was the epitome of a Renaissance Man. Not only was he an accomplished visual artist, but he was also widely recognized for his breakthroughs in science and engineering. Much like da Vinci, my interests lie in both the humanities and the sciences. Even though I would prefer to choose research science as a career, I still hold a deep appreciation for the arts and their beneficial effect on the human psyche.
Da Vinci's seemingly superhuman ingenuity was evident in his detailed diagrams and essays. Long before proper calculators were even invented he had already made his own prototype, which he called an Adding Machine. He even had ideas down to build a helicopter! These amazing facts inspired me to look into a research-based career. I dream of one day making a breakthrough discovery to help humankind; even laying the groundwork for future discoveries would fulfill my aspirations. My hopes of contributing to society in such a way motivate me to always do my best.
A somewhat little-known fact about da Vinci was that he was a vegetarian entirely for ethical reasons. Back in his time, that was extremely rare. Da Vinci was one of the many great thinkers I admired, along with the likes of fellow vegetarians Isaac Newton and Albert Einstein, who inspired me to become a vegetarian myself. He taught me that being yourself and standing up for what you believe in is much more rewarding than conforming to society's sometimes cruel standards. Becoming a vegetarian has been truly liberating and I feel like I'm making a positive impact on the world even by doing something as small as this. Hopefully I can inspire others in the future just like da Vinci inspired me.
Today, even centuries after da Vinci's death, he still lives on through his accomplishments. His paintings Mona Lisa and The Last Supper are still two of the most widely recognized and loved pieces of art in the entire world. His sketch entitled Vitruvian Man has become a universal symbol for the human body. I know that I want to be the same way. Not famous exactly, but significant. I yearn to explore the frontiers of science, especially biology. Being remembered for my achievements, however small, would be an honor. Hopefully I can contribute to the progress of humankind just like the great Leonardo da Vinci!
Hey everyone, I would really appreciate a critique on these two pieces I wrote for the Common Application:
-----------
Essay # 1: In the space provided below, please elaborate on one of your activities (extracurricular, personal activities, or work experience) - (150 words or fewer).
-----------
The heat was almost unbearable that afternoon, but I remained stoic because I knew that day was important. It was finally time for the first event that the Environmental Society at my school had organized: a hiking trail clean-up. Using only garbage bags, shears, and gardening gloves we managed to clear up many of the malignant weeds growing in the area, and we also managed to liberate the trail of much of the litter it had accumulated over the years.
I had signed up for the society hoping to assist the group with its noble environmentalist endeavors; fortunately we accomplished more after the clean-up. Joining the society and participating in its activities was an enriching experience. I truly felt like I was helping save the world, and making a few good friends on the way was a wonderful bonus.
(139 Words)
-----------
Essay #2: Describe a character in fiction, a historical figure, or a creative work (as in art, music, science, etc.) that has had an influence on you, and explain that influence.
-----------
Reading Dan Brown's bestseller The Da Vinci Code intrigued me greatly and made me wonder: could Leonardo da Vinci really have been intelligent enough to have hidden all those secret codes in his artworks? Of course, I realized Brown's novel was a work of fiction, but the imaginative story he had crafted inspired me to research da Vinci and learn more about this enigmatic polymath. Upon reading more about da Vinci, it dawned on me that he was the archetypal figure of who I wanted to be.
Leonardo da Vinci was the epitome of a Renaissance Man. Not only was he an accomplished visual artist, but he was also widely recognized for his breakthroughs in science and engineering. Much like da Vinci, my interests lie in both the humanities and the sciences. Even though I would prefer to choose research science as a career, I still hold a deep appreciation for the arts and their beneficial effect on the human psyche.
Da Vinci's seemingly superhuman ingenuity was evident in his detailed diagrams and essays. Long before proper calculators were even invented he had already made his own prototype, which he called an Adding Machine. He even had ideas down to build a helicopter! These amazing facts inspired me to look into a research-based career. I dream of one day making a breakthrough discovery to help humankind; even laying the groundwork for future discoveries would fulfill my aspirations. My hopes of contributing to society in such a way motivate me to always do my best.
A somewhat little-known fact about da Vinci was that he was a vegetarian entirely for ethical reasons. Back in his time, that was extremely rare. Da Vinci was one of the many great thinkers I admired, along with the likes of fellow vegetarians Isaac Newton and Albert Einstein, who inspired me to become a vegetarian myself. He taught me that being yourself and standing up for what you believe in is much more rewarding than conforming to society's sometimes cruel standards. Becoming a vegetarian has been truly liberating and I feel like I'm making a positive impact on the world even by doing something as small as this. Hopefully I can inspire others in the future just like da Vinci inspired me.
Today, even centuries after da Vinci's death, he still lives on through his accomplishments. His paintings Mona Lisa and The Last Supper are still two of the most widely recognized and loved pieces of art in the entire world. His sketch entitled Vitruvian Man has become a universal symbol for the human body. I know that I want to be the same way. Not famous exactly, but significant. I yearn to explore the frontiers of science, especially biology. Being remembered for my achievements, however small, would be an honor. Hopefully I can contribute to the progress of humankind just like the great Leonardo da Vinci!
aa6877
Nov 3, 2009
Undergraduate / "the Kingdom of Bhutan" - COMMON APP ESSAY, CHECK [7]
I really, really enjoyed this essay. It was both heartwarming and educational, and it will definitely make you stand out.
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However, there were just a few parts you might want to change, which I highlighted in red :
... During our international week, there would be a parade where people would wear their national costumes and walk around carrying a sign indicating which country they were from. Every year at this event(removed comma) I would be the only person holding up the Bhutan sign. Other children started to notice this fact and during class they would often drop snide remarks about how I was the only one from Bhutan in our school. They would ask me condescending things like whether or not my country had electricity, or if Bhutan was an actual nation.I was even asked if people ate each other because they were starving. ...
...When I meet a new person, a common icebreaker will be something along the lines of "W here are you from?" (Capitalized the "W" in "Where") After I reply, "I'm from Bhutan," the person I'm talking with normally has an odd, blank expression (removed " usually occupies their face" - it was redundant) accompanied by a "Where?" Seldom do I ever have someone reply to me "Bhutan? What a coincidence, I just spent the past 2 weeks there, trekking and eating emma datshi " (a common Bhutanese curry). (Usually, if your essay is written primarily in English, you should italicize any terms that are in another language, such as "emma datshi". ...
...I was born and raised in the Philippines, and I spent almost all of my childhood attending International School Manila. ...
...As a young child, I wasn't able to properly handle these situations and would often get upset. I would shy away from questions concerning my nationality and wouldn't show an ounce of enthusiasm when talking about my country. ...
...My parents instantly exchanged looks of concern, slowly lowering their forks and spoons. ...
...It's been around nine years since that talk with my parents (removed the unnecessary apostrophe after parents.) regarding my heritage. Alongside the drums and oboe, I am now also able to play the dramnyen (a type of Bhutanese folk guitar). I (removed have) volunteered for a youth camp in Bhutan during the summer of 2008, became fluent in Dzongkha (the most commonly spoken dialect in Bhutan) and can even prepare certain Bhutanese dishes (which rely heavily on chilies). I visit Bhutan every year and enjoy immersing myself in my heritage, learning about my culture from grandparents, aunts, uncles and cousins (all of whom I am very close with) I have learned how to embrace my heritage while still being able to preserve the knowledge gained from other cultures. I plan on returning to my home country after completing my studies abroad, and I hope to utilize my acquired knowledge to benefit my country, Druk Yul , The Land of the Thunder Dragon. (You might want to mention what Druk Yul is, because most people won't know that it's what the Bhutanese call Bhutan.)
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Also, you might want to change the order of the paragraphs. If you put the 4th and 5th paragraphs ("Bhutan is a small Himalayan kingdom..." and "I was born and raised in the Philippines...") right after the first line ("I am from the Kingdom of Bhutan"), then it will probably flow better. Otherwise it jumps from your childhood concerns right to an explanation of what and where Bhutan is, then back to the childhood.
Good luck! I know you'll succeed and I think this will be a winning essay in the end =)
I really, really enjoyed this essay. It was both heartwarming and educational, and it will definitely make you stand out.
-----------
However, there were just a few parts you might want to change, which I highlighted in red :
... During our international week, there would be a parade where people would wear their national costumes and walk around carrying a sign indicating which country they were from. Every year at this event(removed comma) I would be the only person holding up the Bhutan sign. Other children started to notice this fact and during class they would often drop snide remarks about how I was the only one from Bhutan in our school. They would ask me condescending things like whether or not my country had electricity, or if Bhutan was an actual nation.I was even asked if people ate each other because they were starving. ...
...When I meet a new person, a common icebreaker will be something along the lines of "W here are you from?" (Capitalized the "W" in "Where") After I reply, "I'm from Bhutan," the person I'm talking with normally has an odd, blank expression (removed " usually occupies their face" - it was redundant) accompanied by a "Where?" Seldom do I ever have someone reply to me "Bhutan? What a coincidence, I just spent the past 2 weeks there, trekking and eating emma datshi " (a common Bhutanese curry). (Usually, if your essay is written primarily in English, you should italicize any terms that are in another language, such as "emma datshi". ...
...I was born and raised in the Philippines, and I spent almost all of my childhood attending International School Manila. ...
...As a young child, I wasn't able to properly handle these situations and would often get upset. I would shy away from questions concerning my nationality and wouldn't show an ounce of enthusiasm when talking about my country. ...
...My parents instantly exchanged looks of concern, slowly lowering their forks and spoons. ...
...It's been around nine years since that talk with my parents (removed the unnecessary apostrophe after parents.) regarding my heritage. Alongside the drums and oboe, I am now also able to play the dramnyen (a type of Bhutanese folk guitar). I (removed have) volunteered for a youth camp in Bhutan during the summer of 2008, became fluent in Dzongkha (the most commonly spoken dialect in Bhutan) and can even prepare certain Bhutanese dishes (which rely heavily on chilies). I visit Bhutan every year and enjoy immersing myself in my heritage, learning about my culture from grandparents, aunts, uncles and cousins (all of whom I am very close with) I have learned how to embrace my heritage while still being able to preserve the knowledge gained from other cultures. I plan on returning to my home country after completing my studies abroad, and I hope to utilize my acquired knowledge to benefit my country, Druk Yul , The Land of the Thunder Dragon. (You might want to mention what Druk Yul is, because most people won't know that it's what the Bhutanese call Bhutan.)
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Also, you might want to change the order of the paragraphs. If you put the 4th and 5th paragraphs ("Bhutan is a small Himalayan kingdom..." and "I was born and raised in the Philippines...") right after the first line ("I am from the Kingdom of Bhutan"), then it will probably flow better. Otherwise it jumps from your childhood concerns right to an explanation of what and where Bhutan is, then back to the childhood.
Good luck! I know you'll succeed and I think this will be a winning essay in the end =)
aa6877
Nov 3, 2009
Undergraduate / UC Application Personal Statement "Timidity" [3]
Hello!! =)
First of all, I think it was a very well-written essay. Overall you conveyed your ideas pretty well, and did a good job of putting your personal quality in a positive light. It seems like you really took time to realize your potential despite what some might see as a flaw.
Anyway, there were a few areas where I thought there could be changes.. mostly in grammar and stuff. Of course, it's up to you whether or not you want to implement the changes; I'm just giving a few ideas that might improve the language and natural flow of the essay. I highlighted my changes in red.
"Timidity" was the word that best described me as a child. I was not a fan of active interactions with others, and I preferred solitude to companionship. Lacking in confidence, I was also afraid of addressing (removed "before") a large crowd of people. This lack of social activeness resulted in others' negligence of me, since I hardly expressed my viewpoint on any issues and was reluctant to argue in defense of my opinion. I was disappointed by my inability to fully convey my thoughts and longed to be confident in what I believed in . I secretly envied those who had both confidence and the belief that they were fully capable of becoming leaders. ("To be in charge of others" seemed a little redundant .
However, my mindset (train of thought does not seem like the right term to use here, since a train of thought suggests something fleeting and temporary rather than permanent) began to change gradually.My initial perception of confidence was perfectly and entirely positive, but , as I became more aware of people's excessive amount of it , I realized that it was not so. When carried to an extreme degree, it hardly left room for further self-improvement, because it submerged one in uncontrolled pride or self-assurance. On the other hand, since I did not have many chances to demonstrate my knowledge and opinions before others, I strived consistently (maybe you might want to say "constantly" instead of "consistently" to achieve more than them , anticipating (removed "for") an opportunity to demonstrate (removed "before others of") my accomplishments. This eventually helped me to become a more knowledgeable person than I could have been, and made me a rather quiet figure who worked behind-the-scenes and who did not overtly display his skills before others. My timidity also provided me with another valuable lesson: popularity was only a tangible part in many cases (I was a bit confused with this sentence. Popularity was only a tangible part of what? . Inner integrity, on the other hand, was rarely an apparent value; it manifested itself quietly and subtly, but a thousand times more beneficially . By avoiding superficiality and pretense, I was able to concentrate my efforts on developing my inner values. I exempted myself from foolish and meaningless conversations that were insignificant in their nature, and spent my time more wisely on more valuable issues.
This is not to say that lack of confidence is a beneficial characteristic in all scenarios. In fact, it does in many cases result in hindrance of significant ideas or opinions that may give rise to vital improvements or progress. However, in my case , this produced quite a desirable effect of humbleness . Although this may seem like a justification of my weakness, I believe that I would have been haughty if I were to fully express myself and enforce my view on others. My rather quiet personality aided in various aspects of my life by making me a modest person who knew what to do at the right moment.
It was a good essay, but at times it was a bit superfluous in terms of vocabulary;ddddd and it could have been condensed into fewer words at parts. A longer essay is not necessarily a better one. Also, be careful with word choice and word order.
Good luck! I know you'll do well. Hope I helped =)
Hello!! =)
First of all, I think it was a very well-written essay. Overall you conveyed your ideas pretty well, and did a good job of putting your personal quality in a positive light. It seems like you really took time to realize your potential despite what some might see as a flaw.
Anyway, there were a few areas where I thought there could be changes.. mostly in grammar and stuff. Of course, it's up to you whether or not you want to implement the changes; I'm just giving a few ideas that might improve the language and natural flow of the essay. I highlighted my changes in red.
"Timidity" was the word that best described me as a child. I was not a fan of active interactions with others, and I preferred solitude to companionship. Lacking in confidence, I was also afraid of addressing (removed "before") a large crowd of people. This lack of social activeness resulted in others' negligence of me, since I hardly expressed my viewpoint on any issues and was reluctant to argue in defense of my opinion. I was disappointed by my inability to fully convey my thoughts and longed to be confident in what I believed in . I secretly envied those who had both confidence and the belief that they were fully capable of becoming leaders. ("To be in charge of others" seemed a little redundant .
However, my mindset (train of thought does not seem like the right term to use here, since a train of thought suggests something fleeting and temporary rather than permanent) began to change gradually.My initial perception of confidence was perfectly and entirely positive, but , as I became more aware of people's excessive amount of it , I realized that it was not so. When carried to an extreme degree, it hardly left room for further self-improvement, because it submerged one in uncontrolled pride or self-assurance. On the other hand, since I did not have many chances to demonstrate my knowledge and opinions before others, I strived consistently (maybe you might want to say "constantly" instead of "consistently" to achieve more than them , anticipating (removed "for") an opportunity to demonstrate (removed "before others of") my accomplishments. This eventually helped me to become a more knowledgeable person than I could have been, and made me a rather quiet figure who worked behind-the-scenes and who did not overtly display his skills before others. My timidity also provided me with another valuable lesson: popularity was only a tangible part in many cases (I was a bit confused with this sentence. Popularity was only a tangible part of what? . Inner integrity, on the other hand, was rarely an apparent value; it manifested itself quietly and subtly, but a thousand times more beneficially . By avoiding superficiality and pretense, I was able to concentrate my efforts on developing my inner values. I exempted myself from foolish and meaningless conversations that were insignificant in their nature, and spent my time more wisely on more valuable issues.
This is not to say that lack of confidence is a beneficial characteristic in all scenarios. In fact, it does in many cases result in hindrance of significant ideas or opinions that may give rise to vital improvements or progress. However, in my case , this produced quite a desirable effect of humbleness . Although this may seem like a justification of my weakness, I believe that I would have been haughty if I were to fully express myself and enforce my view on others. My rather quiet personality aided in various aspects of my life by making me a modest person who knew what to do at the right moment.
It was a good essay, but at times it was a bit superfluous in terms of vocabulary;ddddd and it could have been condensed into fewer words at parts. A longer essay is not necessarily a better one. Also, be careful with word choice and word order.
Good luck! I know you'll do well. Hope I helped =)
aa6877
Oct 31, 2009
Undergraduate / My World and Background + My Favorite Personal Quality --- UC Essay! [10]
Alright I tweaked it around a bit, once again thank you everyone for the advice. If there's anything I still need to change I'd be happy to hear the critique.
Alright I tweaked it around a bit, once again thank you everyone for the advice. If there's anything I still need to change I'd be happy to hear the critique.
aa6877
Oct 30, 2009
Undergraduate / My World and Background + My Favorite Personal Quality --- UC Essay! [10]
Alright, here's my new essay. I consider it my second first draft because, essentially, it's an entirely different piece of writing.
I heard from some people it's best to keep it under the word limit if you can.. that's why I didn't worry too much about getting so close to 1000 total. Will that matter in the end?
Alright, here's my new essay. I consider it my second first draft because, essentially, it's an entirely different piece of writing.
I heard from some people it's best to keep it under the word limit if you can.. that's why I didn't worry too much about getting so close to 1000 total. Will that matter in the end?
aa6877
Oct 26, 2009
Undergraduate / My World and Background + My Favorite Personal Quality --- UC Essay! [10]
Thanks for the advice hylacy, I'm working on my next draft now. I'll post it up when I'm finished.
Thanks for the advice hylacy, I'm working on my next draft now. I'll post it up when I'm finished.
aa6877
Oct 25, 2009
Undergraduate / My World and Background + My Favorite Personal Quality --- UC Essay! [10]
Hey Hylacy, first of all thanks for the advice. I'm a little confused though. On the first essay prompt, it says describe your world, not just one thing or one event. That's what I did, right? I don't think there's one singular event that describes my family, community, and school experience at the same time. On Essay 2, I did exactly what you said. I told how I was proud that I was open-minded, then I gave examples on how I was open-minded, and how it relates to me as a person. Could you please expand on your advice? Thanks again!!
=)
Hey Hylacy, first of all thanks for the advice. I'm a little confused though. On the first essay prompt, it says describe your world, not just one thing or one event. That's what I did, right? I don't think there's one singular event that describes my family, community, and school experience at the same time. On Essay 2, I did exactly what you said. I told how I was proud that I was open-minded, then I gave examples on how I was open-minded, and how it relates to me as a person. Could you please expand on your advice? Thanks again!!
=)
aa6877
Oct 24, 2009
Undergraduate / My World and Background + My Favorite Personal Quality --- UC Essay! [10]
Hi everyone! If you don't mind, would you please critique and proofread the second draft of my UC Personal Statement? I'm not sure if there is anything to change or not; I want to get as many opinion as I can on it. Thanks in advance! =)
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Essay # 1: Describe the world you come from - for example, your family, community or school - and tell us how your world has shaped your dreams and aspirations.
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The great author Alex Haley once said "In every conceivable manner, the family is the link to our past and the bridge to our future". I have found this statement to hold true in the case of my family. They are the ones who I share my most cherished memories with, and the ones who inspired me the most to follow my dreams.
I grew up in a loving, close-knit household. My first home was shared with both my parents and my father's parents, making my first years of life some of my most precious. One of my earliest memories is of sitting with my grandmother and discussing the wonders of the Earth and its inhabitants. My grandmother was and still is a deeply religious person, and from her is where I gained much of my curiosity about both the natural and preternatural worlds. On the other hand, I inherited a strong interest in the sciences from my grandfather, who is a scientist himself. He still inspires me to this day to pursue research science as a career.
My parents, who are some of the most caring, understanding, and responsible people in the world, have also made a great impact on my life. They have been my greatest heroes ever since I was a small child. Everything they have ever done for me has been for my own benefit, which is why they always pushed me to do my best in school. I know my parents hold high expectations of me, and I am thankful for this because it always gives me the motivation to do my best and live up to their dreams as well as mine.
Also, because of the nature of my father's career as a financial consultant, I had the chance to live in three different countries on three different continents throughout my life: Pakistan, where I was born; USA, where I spent the majority of my life; and South Africa, where I lived for four years during the latter half of my elementary-school years. Each place I have lived in has enriched me on both a cultural and intellectual level; the multicultural childhood I had has made me even more of a unique person. Because of my wonderful experiences in the countries I have lived in, I now have the dream to one day travel the world simply for the sake of knowledge and experience.
Two other family members that have profoundly affected me as a person are my younger brothers. Without even realizing it they have pushed me to become a better person. Being a good role-model for my impressionable siblings has always been important to me. For this reason, I always strive hard in everything I do so that I can set a good example.
My family as a whole has been the primary influence on who I am as an individual today. I would not have been able to live up to my full potential had it not been for their love and guidance. I feel more thankful every day that they were the people I got stuck with on this world!
(520 words)
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Essay # 2: Tell us about a personal quality, talent, accomplishment, contribution or experience that is important to you. What about this quality or accomplishment makes you proud and how does it relate to the person you are?
----------
A personal quality I possess that I am extremely proud of is open-mindedness. I try never to judge anything based on first impressions, I am never afraid to investigate new ideas, and I can easily tolerate other people despite their flaws and idiosyncrasies. The music and art that I enjoy the most is that which is avant-garde, imaginative, and unusual. These traits I possess relate both to the way I see the world and the way the world sees me.
As an individual, I always make it a point to stay true to myself and be unique. My idealistic nature leads me constantly improve myself as I open up to new ideas. For example, early in 2009, I became a vegetarian entirely for ethical reasons. I take pride in this particular aspect of myself because I feel like I am making a positive impact on the world. However, I never impose my views onto anyone since I respect their opinions. I believe that everyone has the right to choose who they are for themselves.
To be a successful scientist, open-mindedness is essential. Usually the greatest discoveries are those that seem strange at first! The idea of the Sun revolving around the Earth used to be normal, but we all know it is not thanks to Polish scientist Nicolaus Copernicus. Back in the 16th century, his hypotheses were unusual, and even considered heretical by some. Even so, they were proven true later on, and are now common knowledge. This alone is proof that only through open-mindedness can science progress and advance. I know that since I have the right personality I will be successful in this field.
(276 words)
-- (Total: 796 Words) -
Hi everyone! If you don't mind, would you please critique and proofread the second draft of my UC Personal Statement? I'm not sure if there is anything to change or not; I want to get as many opinion as I can on it. Thanks in advance! =)
----------
Essay # 1: Describe the world you come from - for example, your family, community or school - and tell us how your world has shaped your dreams and aspirations.
----------
The great author Alex Haley once said "In every conceivable manner, the family is the link to our past and the bridge to our future". I have found this statement to hold true in the case of my family. They are the ones who I share my most cherished memories with, and the ones who inspired me the most to follow my dreams.
I grew up in a loving, close-knit household. My first home was shared with both my parents and my father's parents, making my first years of life some of my most precious. One of my earliest memories is of sitting with my grandmother and discussing the wonders of the Earth and its inhabitants. My grandmother was and still is a deeply religious person, and from her is where I gained much of my curiosity about both the natural and preternatural worlds. On the other hand, I inherited a strong interest in the sciences from my grandfather, who is a scientist himself. He still inspires me to this day to pursue research science as a career.
My parents, who are some of the most caring, understanding, and responsible people in the world, have also made a great impact on my life. They have been my greatest heroes ever since I was a small child. Everything they have ever done for me has been for my own benefit, which is why they always pushed me to do my best in school. I know my parents hold high expectations of me, and I am thankful for this because it always gives me the motivation to do my best and live up to their dreams as well as mine.
Also, because of the nature of my father's career as a financial consultant, I had the chance to live in three different countries on three different continents throughout my life: Pakistan, where I was born; USA, where I spent the majority of my life; and South Africa, where I lived for four years during the latter half of my elementary-school years. Each place I have lived in has enriched me on both a cultural and intellectual level; the multicultural childhood I had has made me even more of a unique person. Because of my wonderful experiences in the countries I have lived in, I now have the dream to one day travel the world simply for the sake of knowledge and experience.
Two other family members that have profoundly affected me as a person are my younger brothers. Without even realizing it they have pushed me to become a better person. Being a good role-model for my impressionable siblings has always been important to me. For this reason, I always strive hard in everything I do so that I can set a good example.
My family as a whole has been the primary influence on who I am as an individual today. I would not have been able to live up to my full potential had it not been for their love and guidance. I feel more thankful every day that they were the people I got stuck with on this world!
(520 words)
----------
Essay # 2: Tell us about a personal quality, talent, accomplishment, contribution or experience that is important to you. What about this quality or accomplishment makes you proud and how does it relate to the person you are?
----------
A personal quality I possess that I am extremely proud of is open-mindedness. I try never to judge anything based on first impressions, I am never afraid to investigate new ideas, and I can easily tolerate other people despite their flaws and idiosyncrasies. The music and art that I enjoy the most is that which is avant-garde, imaginative, and unusual. These traits I possess relate both to the way I see the world and the way the world sees me.
As an individual, I always make it a point to stay true to myself and be unique. My idealistic nature leads me constantly improve myself as I open up to new ideas. For example, early in 2009, I became a vegetarian entirely for ethical reasons. I take pride in this particular aspect of myself because I feel like I am making a positive impact on the world. However, I never impose my views onto anyone since I respect their opinions. I believe that everyone has the right to choose who they are for themselves.
To be a successful scientist, open-mindedness is essential. Usually the greatest discoveries are those that seem strange at first! The idea of the Sun revolving around the Earth used to be normal, but we all know it is not thanks to Polish scientist Nicolaus Copernicus. Back in the 16th century, his hypotheses were unusual, and even considered heretical by some. Even so, they were proven true later on, and are now common knowledge. This alone is proof that only through open-mindedness can science progress and advance. I know that since I have the right personality I will be successful in this field.
(276 words)
-- (Total: 796 Words) -