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Posts by cuddles
Joined: Nov 22, 2009
Last Post: Dec 5, 2009
Threads: 3
Posts: 10  

From: Nepal

Displayed posts: 13
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Nov 26, 2009
Undergraduate / Need Critiquing on my Cornell Interest Essay (CAS) [21]

Great piece of writing!!! Just had a few suggestions.

Around the holidays I can remember carrying around a money box to organize all of my money, and in my eyes keep it safe.

This sentence feels a bit clumsy. Maybe it's because of the "can" out there. Give it a thought!

They incorporated a lot of what I have a passion for, and it creates challenges that I love.

Huh?? or is it just me :)

The word Undecided best fits me. I am not undecided on what I would like to do and achieve, but I am undecided on how I will go about achieving these things.

Which things?? It is a bit confusing.

Overall, i really liked what you've got out here.

BTW, what other colleges are you applying to??
Nov 24, 2009
Undergraduate / leader and captain of the track team [2]

Since I am a role model for our team,

A bit too boastful. Rephrase it as Since my team members look upon me as their role model...

and how not to get disqualified.

There are many times when my younger teammates do not know what to do and get scared. I have to help them out and assure them that they will run well.

we did not come first,

btw, what's the prompt???
Nov 24, 2009
Undergraduate / (My Grandfather) - a person who has had a significant influence on you [2]

During my years in Hohhot, a city in the Inner Mongolia province of China, one of my fondest memories was of my grandfather taking me to ride the bus, taking a different route every day.

It would be better if you replaced the was with is but the sentence won't make sense so reconstruct it accordingly.

such as at the city zoo

The routine bus rides my grandfather took me for every day

shaped me to become ainto a successful student today.

He taught me all of these things from before I was five, and it's incredible that I still apply what I had learned from him as a toddler to my life and way of thinking today.

This sentence is a bit clumsy

I'm have written an essay for the same topic. Could you please check mine???
Nov 23, 2009
Undergraduate / Common App essay - " BLUES" [8]

I have learned to cherish each day that is given to me.

I think this is a really great essay. Could you go through mine please??
Nov 23, 2009
Undergraduate / Mrs. Josephine Ghissing!! common app essay [3]

Indicate a person who has had a significant influence on you, and describe that influence.

Well i know it's a long one! I need ideas to make it more compact. Any other suggestions and corrections are more than welcome.

Fifteen minutes before my first show starts: My mind drifts off to my school days in Loreto Convent, Darjeeling, where I spent the seven most memorable years of my life, thousands of miles away from my family. That first day, the smartly dressed, elegant little figure walked into our classroom. She was to be our class teacher and English teacher and later, my mentor and role model. Mrs. Josephine Ghissing. I smile at her memory.

I think of my abhorrence for English when I first joined Loreto. My first English teacher marked everything in red, the marks arbitrary and scribbled with frustration. Mrs. Ghissing shed a different light upon the subject I hated. She showed us that knowledge dwells not only in the four corners of the classroom but in our joy to explore outside the box. Due to her constant encouragement, I began to love books. I excitedly journeyed from The Life of Pi to Tuesdays with Morrie to Atlas Shrugged. I think of the valuable lessons about life that Mitch Albom learned from his professor, Morrie. I reminisce about how Mrs. Ghissing, with her warm smile and inspiring words, made me love, not just English, but my life, helping me tide over problems and come out of the cocoon of fear and denial that I had spun around me, during those days I spent without my family.

I re-check my script. It is my first show and as a new show host, I am to keep my script in front of me while speaking, in case I become nervous and go blank. I make sure I have all my papers with me. I have chosen to talk about an author, Mitch Albom, in my show. I still have ten minutes, just enough time to review my script one last time. I choose to think of my class teacher.

In class, she asked us questions, lots of them. At first, while I often knew the answers, I did not have the courage to raise my hand. But Mrs. Ghissing saw through my timidity and sensed my desire. With warm and loving eyes, she began to look to me, encouraging me to speak up, to express myself. Soon, my fear of ridicule was gone. My hand flew up enthusiastically to answer any question.

Public speaking had never been my cup of tea but Mrs. Ghissing would not let this setback deter me. She chose me as one of the speakers at school assemblies, taking extra hours and giving me individual attention to make me stand in the podium more confidently. My enthusiasm to share ideas spread to all parts of my life. I assumed various leadership roles and discovered the joy of speaking out. With my class teacher always there to hear me, I learned to carry my voice with strength.

It is ironic; I think to myself, a girl who would not dare raise her hand in class is now going to host her own live radio show. That one special person cared to hear me and make me speak; now thousands are going to hear me speak.

"Just as a bigger fire swallows a smaller one, Brutus' love for his county swallowed his love for Caesar," Mrs. Ghissing used to say as she explicated the lines of Julius Caesar. Perhaps her immeasurable love for her students and her constant encouragement swallowed my fear, letting me blossom into a confident young girl. On this, I muse.

Five minutes before my show: I am ushered into the studio. The microphone and other complicated looking equipment stare back at me. The butterflies in my stomach swarm. I am excited. I take a deep breath inside the air-conditioned room. Mitch Albom's lines replay in my mind. "Youth, like pristine glass, absorbs the prints of its handlers. Some handlers smudge, others crack, a few shatter childhoods into jagged little pieces, beyond repair." Mrs. Ghissing's radiant face comes to my mind and I remember how she handled me with utmost love and care and helped me shine. I remember how my Morrie, my class teacher, used to dispel my fear by reciting Emerson's wise words: "What lies behind us and what lies in front of us pales in comparison to what lies within us."

I stand tall in front of the microphone and put on my headphones. The technician gives me the thumbs up sign asking me if I'm ready. I put my script away. I smile at him and nod: I'm ready.
Nov 22, 2009
Undergraduate / How my family's diversity has shaped me into a well-rounded person. [11]

By average standards, I am a teenager who aspires to fulfill my dreams and aspirations. However, as an individual, I plan to use the insight I have gained from my background to fulfill my dreams - redundant

of enacting beneficial change in the world- this sentence is a bit clumsy. Change it.

My parents moved to America, their land of opportunity. If you put this within commas, you will be sounding sarcastic or telling the readers they don't know something you do, which of course you will have to reveal in your essay. If that is the case, use the commas.

I am particularly inspired by my mother who has achieved significant successes without sacrificing her traditional roles as a wife and mother- don't tell me you can count success!!

mother's is correct
embrace sounds better

As for the simple, grammatical errors microsoft word will point them out for you.

BTW, what is this for?? common app??
Nov 22, 2009
Undergraduate / Engineering and minor in Mathematics for Teaching - UC Personal Statement [3]

That feeling of enjoyment and my desire of wanting to become like my father, who was an electrical engineer in the Philippines solidified my choice and the only thing I needed was identifying the exact area.

Also, the sentence is very long. You might want to try breaking it into two sentences.

....my choice. The only thing I needed was identifying the exact area.

was fascinated by how it can do most of the things a human does
Nov 22, 2009
Undergraduate / Is a women's college still relevant in 2009 [2]

Suggestions, advice, ideas and corrections in any form are welcome...

Also, it's supposed to be 150 words only and I don't know what to cut out from this.suggestions???

When Smith College was founded in 1871, there were few educational opportunities for women. Is a women's college still relevant in 2009? (Limit response to 150 words)

In 1871, there were a few educational opportunities for women around the world. In 2009, many people in my country still see women education as useless.

I spent the seven most memorable years of my school life in a girls' school, followed by two years in a co educational High School. Sure a school where girls and boys are educated side by side may give us a greater knowledge of society due to exposure of perspectives from both sexes. But an all girls' school helps instill in its students the qualities which might otherwise be suppressed in a co-ed school. Besides, a women's college doesn't mean that it is secluded entirely from the male society.

It has been proven that girls and boys learn in different ways. A women's college recognizes these differences and fulfills the immense potential of its students to the fullest. When I was in my co-ed high school I remember yearning so many times to go back to my school where there were no limitations for girls, the class was not boys-dominated, there were no boys distracting and competing and where girls got to run the show.

It is not just because single-sex schools dominate the top of the examination league tables that a women's college is still relevant in today's world. Coming from a country where a lot of people do not even try to understand the importance of women education and empowerment, I don't only think that women's college is still relevant in 2009; I think it is a noble task to be educating women in a superb standard and helping bring out the leaders in them.
Nov 22, 2009
Undergraduate / Common Appplication Experience Essay- The Red Ranger [4]

This is a great piece of writing and I don't have much to comment bu here are a few suggestions.

She raised her head from the attendance sheet and looked thoughtfully across the classroom at the children who were waiting patiently for their own name to be called.

The choosing of my own name was similar as it also held a significance, a significance to me. However, it did not possess deep contemplation and research, but instead thoughtlessness and celerity.The choosing of my own name was similar as it also held a significance, a significance to me. However, it did not possess deep contemplation and research, but instead thoughtlessness and celerity.

These sentences did not sound coherent to me. Also, some more sense of humor in your essay never hurts.

Overall, I liked your essay and also your name; ) (old and new)
Nov 22, 2009
Undergraduate / The Fog Rolls Out - "Imagine you are looking out a window..." [4]

Lots of imagery used. Hard to keep reading at times. To add why the views mean something to you, you might want to add something you see that you'll not be able see from any other place, when you leave your place some day, For example, while leaving for the uni.
Nov 22, 2009
Undergraduate / Brown Short Response (Why Brown) [6]

This is concise and neat, but I think showing more passion on your part might help. Also, since it is 1000 chars, you might want to add something more about what appealed to you. Go through their mission statement and what they value the most in their students
Nov 22, 2009
Undergraduate / 'Leadership is comprehending facts' essay [NEW]

Leadership is a constant theme and emphasis at CMC. In fact, one of the ways we describe CMC students is "Leaders in the Making." Identify and discuss a person, fictional or nonfictional, who has helped shape culture and thought. You may select

someone from any field: literature, the arts, science, politics, history, athletics, business, education, etc.

So i thought of writing about lots of great leaders and then one particular person came to my mind. Robin Sharma. I just wanted to know how huge he is across the globe and whether he is a good choice for my essay.

In the meantime, I wrote the starting paragraph for the essay

Leaders come in many shapes and forms. While trying to decide who would make an ideal leader out of the many great people who inspire me, I decided to find out how leadership is perceived. "What is leadership?" "Leadership means to give guidance to the members of a group by going before or drawing others along the same course, just like the leader of a herd of deer or baboons", responded my mother, who is a Zoology teacher. Upon posing the same question to my father, the principal of a school, who is very much into philosophy, and who likes to talk a lot, he answered, "Leadership is not just leading, but comprehending facts. It is to be open about learning and having a clear vision. It is a skill but it goes beyond that. It is..." I cut him off. I had got my answer. Decades of scientific study have yet to yield a single definition that fully captures the nature of leadership; I was but doing a tiny study.

Since the prompt asks me to talk about a particular person, is it a good idea to start my essay this way or is it going off the topic?? Some good ideas to proceed with my essay would be helpful. Advice needed!!