nkhattri
Feb 16, 2010
Undergraduate / Hearts of my peers and teachers- greatest contribution to your school/community [5]
Okay thanks again :)
Okay thanks again :)
nkhattri
Feb 11, 2010
Undergraduate / Hearts of my peers and teachers- greatest contribution to your school/community [5]
Thanks Kevin.
I had a quick question, after combining "My greatest contribution...outlook towards it." Wouldn't that constitute as an intro first paragraph? Or do I need to include more?
Also*
move this comma:
As an optimistic person I realize that, while my mistakes are short-lived, the lessons that I can learn from them are endless.
Where should I move/remove the commas?
Thanks Kevin.
I had a quick question, after combining "My greatest contribution...outlook towards it." Wouldn't that constitute as an intro first paragraph? Or do I need to include more?
Also*
move this comma:
As an optimistic person I realize that, while my mistakes are short-lived, the lessons that I can learn from them are endless.
Where should I move/remove the commas?
nkhattri
Feb 11, 2010
Undergraduate / Hearts of my peers and teachers- greatest contribution to your school/community [5]
What do you consider to be your greatest contribution to your school or community?
My greatest contribution to my school and community cannot be touched or seen, but can be felt in the hearts of my peers and teachers. My optimism inside and outside of the classroom has enabled me to pursue my goals relentlessly and has encouraged others to pursue their dreams as well.
As an optimistic person, I realize that while my mistakes are short-lived, the lessons that I can learn from them are endless. This optimism also empowers me to use my mistakes as learning tools to build who I am rather than to define what I am incapable of achieving. Optimism also allows me to shape my future and to realize that the one aspect I can control about my future is my positive outlook towards it.
Over the last several years, I have been deeply involved and concerned with local, national, and global issues such as animal abuse, cancer research, and genocide. My involvement with a local animal shelter allowed me to witness miracles and the infinite possibilities of the world firsthand. Many animals came in every day, each with their own story, abused or abandoned. There have been times when I was disturbed by the malice of humans in taking advantage of those who cannot speak for themselves. However, there have also been times when previously abused dogs were put in loving homes. My experiences at the animal shelter have showed me that there are many possible positive outcomes in the world, and that we must believe and strive for them. On the national level, the American Cancer Society has also fostered my optimism. Because I was unable to meet my grandfather who died of cancer, I developed an interest in fundraising for cancer research so that someone else's grandparents can be saved. On the global level, I have been involved with the Project Darfur benefit concerts that my school sponsors. Although our concerts do not stop the genocide, the opportunity to raise awareness and funds for the Sudanese refugees helps to promote universal concern for the welfare of mankind.
Optimism has also shaped my experiences as a student. As a freshman, I started with average level classes but believed that I was capable of more. Many classmates and teachers often doubted my ability, but that doubt only fueled my desire to succeed and seize new opportunities rather than to shy away from them. As a senior, I am now more confident because I have been able to succeed in AP classes and emerge as a leader among my peers. With optimism and confidence in myself, I have progressed, and I am now an accomplished student.
Being an accomplished student and citizen has also influenced my optimistic outlook on life experiences. During law camp in Washington D.C. last summer, I was overjoyed to be meeting new people and to be learning imperative legal skills. However, three days before our mock trial at the Washington D.C. Superior Court, three of my teammates left the program, and my team was left two defense attorneys and a prosecutor short. I evaluated the situation clearly, and I was able to realize that with a few teammates gone, our team would gain the advantage of assuming more roles and examining different legal perspectives. On the day of our mock trials, we were able to successfully assume multiple roles and win all three of our cases!
My optimism has fueled my confidence, my will to learn from my mistakes, and my desire to take advantage of challenges and opportunities. My optimism has been present in all of my endeavors and has often been valued and acknowledged by my peers and teachers alike. I hope that by contributing optimism in all my endeavors, I have influenced my community and school to be optimistic in theirs.
I realize that it's super long, but if you edit it, i'll thoroughly edit yours x2 or x3. PROMISE :)
Thanks in advance!
What do you consider to be your greatest contribution to your school or community?
My greatest contribution to my school and community cannot be touched or seen, but can be felt in the hearts of my peers and teachers. My optimism inside and outside of the classroom has enabled me to pursue my goals relentlessly and has encouraged others to pursue their dreams as well.
As an optimistic person, I realize that while my mistakes are short-lived, the lessons that I can learn from them are endless. This optimism also empowers me to use my mistakes as learning tools to build who I am rather than to define what I am incapable of achieving. Optimism also allows me to shape my future and to realize that the one aspect I can control about my future is my positive outlook towards it.
Over the last several years, I have been deeply involved and concerned with local, national, and global issues such as animal abuse, cancer research, and genocide. My involvement with a local animal shelter allowed me to witness miracles and the infinite possibilities of the world firsthand. Many animals came in every day, each with their own story, abused or abandoned. There have been times when I was disturbed by the malice of humans in taking advantage of those who cannot speak for themselves. However, there have also been times when previously abused dogs were put in loving homes. My experiences at the animal shelter have showed me that there are many possible positive outcomes in the world, and that we must believe and strive for them. On the national level, the American Cancer Society has also fostered my optimism. Because I was unable to meet my grandfather who died of cancer, I developed an interest in fundraising for cancer research so that someone else's grandparents can be saved. On the global level, I have been involved with the Project Darfur benefit concerts that my school sponsors. Although our concerts do not stop the genocide, the opportunity to raise awareness and funds for the Sudanese refugees helps to promote universal concern for the welfare of mankind.
Optimism has also shaped my experiences as a student. As a freshman, I started with average level classes but believed that I was capable of more. Many classmates and teachers often doubted my ability, but that doubt only fueled my desire to succeed and seize new opportunities rather than to shy away from them. As a senior, I am now more confident because I have been able to succeed in AP classes and emerge as a leader among my peers. With optimism and confidence in myself, I have progressed, and I am now an accomplished student.
Being an accomplished student and citizen has also influenced my optimistic outlook on life experiences. During law camp in Washington D.C. last summer, I was overjoyed to be meeting new people and to be learning imperative legal skills. However, three days before our mock trial at the Washington D.C. Superior Court, three of my teammates left the program, and my team was left two defense attorneys and a prosecutor short. I evaluated the situation clearly, and I was able to realize that with a few teammates gone, our team would gain the advantage of assuming more roles and examining different legal perspectives. On the day of our mock trials, we were able to successfully assume multiple roles and win all three of our cases!
My optimism has fueled my confidence, my will to learn from my mistakes, and my desire to take advantage of challenges and opportunities. My optimism has been present in all of my endeavors and has often been valued and acknowledged by my peers and teachers alike. I hope that by contributing optimism in all my endeavors, I have influenced my community and school to be optimistic in theirs.
I realize that it's super long, but if you edit it, i'll thoroughly edit yours x2 or x3. PROMISE :)
Thanks in advance!
nkhattri
Feb 11, 2010
Writing Feedback / Thomas (Tommy) Clement Douglas Essay Gr.10 [8]
Tommy Douglas was born on October 20, 1904. He was born in Falkirk, Scotland. He died when he was 82 on February 24, 1986. Tommy Douglas is responsible for many of the great benefits we have today. He introduced paved roads, sewage systems and power to most farmers. He somehow managed to reduce the provincial debt by $20 million. He later introduced Saskatchewan residents to car insurance and labour improvement. He is most famous for his long-standing dream of universal Medicare. He supported many and provided hope for the people of Saskatchewan. He won the respect of millions of Canadians due to his excellent debating and speaking skills. It was only after his death when he was voted "The Greatest Canadian" in a national CBC Television contest by his advocate George Stromboulopoulos.
* Tommy Douglas was born in Falkirk, Scotland on October 20,1904. LEAVE THE DEATH out until the conclusion of your essay, that way it is more like a biography rather than a summary. He is responsible (although he has passed, his contributions have not so IS is the proper article) for many of the great benefits that we enjoy today such as paved roads, sewage systems, and electrical power on farms. He is also accredited for reducing the provincial debt by $20 million and he later introduced Saskatchewan residents to car insurance and labor improvement (WHAT KIND/HOW?) However, he is most famously known for his dream of universal Medicare. Take " he supported many...people of Saskatchewan" sentence out, it's bleak and doesn't further your message. He was also an acclaimed debator who won the respect of millions of Canadians. Once again, take " it was only... advocate George Stromboulopoulous" out, save it for the conclusion.
Hope this was helpful, please look over my GOALS essay. Thanks.
Tommy Douglas was born on October 20, 1904. He was born in Falkirk, Scotland. He died when he was 82 on February 24, 1986. Tommy Douglas is responsible for many of the great benefits we have today. He introduced paved roads, sewage systems and power to most farmers. He somehow managed to reduce the provincial debt by $20 million. He later introduced Saskatchewan residents to car insurance and labour improvement. He is most famous for his long-standing dream of universal Medicare. He supported many and provided hope for the people of Saskatchewan. He won the respect of millions of Canadians due to his excellent debating and speaking skills. It was only after his death when he was voted "The Greatest Canadian" in a national CBC Television contest by his advocate George Stromboulopoulos.
* Tommy Douglas was born in Falkirk, Scotland on October 20,1904. LEAVE THE DEATH out until the conclusion of your essay, that way it is more like a biography rather than a summary. He is responsible (although he has passed, his contributions have not so IS is the proper article) for many of the great benefits that we enjoy today such as paved roads, sewage systems, and electrical power on farms. He is also accredited for reducing the provincial debt by $20 million and he later introduced Saskatchewan residents to car insurance and labor improvement (WHAT KIND/HOW?) However, he is most famously known for his dream of universal Medicare. Take " he supported many...people of Saskatchewan" sentence out, it's bleak and doesn't further your message. He was also an acclaimed debator who won the respect of millions of Canadians. Once again, take " it was only... advocate George Stromboulopoulous" out, save it for the conclusion.
Hope this was helpful, please look over my GOALS essay. Thanks.
nkhattri
Feb 11, 2010
Undergraduate / "liberal arts education and a tight-knit community" - Reason For TRANSFERRING. [7]
Actually, you're right. It is explained thoroughly in the first paragraph. My bad!
Actually, you're right. It is explained thoroughly in the first paragraph. My bad!
nkhattri
Feb 11, 2010
Undergraduate / "liberal arts education and a tight-knit community" - Reason For TRANSFERRING. [7]
Fall quarter at the titanic and bleak university I thought I wanted, helped me appreciate how imperative it is that my physical and metaphysical self coexist. It is time to give my mind the positive energy it needs to take me with it. --- expand how the university is bleak. the statement's good but it is empty!
I must show I am qualified to join such a community. My mind's hunger for understanding is analogous to its continuous, increasing path. Uncovering why and how our multi-dimensional, constantly changing world works the way it does, leads me in all kinds of tangential directions where I find myself at 4am Googling dark matter and Pythagorean theorem proofs. I love learning and expanding my realm of knowledge. Despite the rush of blood to my face when I am in congested, cavernous lecture halls, I raise my hand dying to ask one of many questions my dancing mind is wondering.
-- I must show THAT I am qualified to join such a community.
-- I love, love, love the animation of your writing. I can picture a person doing all these finite motions.
The conclusion's good.
I like it,alot :)
* Also the length is perfect. Don't take out anything, I think it'll compromise the sinuous flow of you're writing.
Fall quarter at the titanic and bleak university I thought I wanted, helped me appreciate how imperative it is that my physical and metaphysical self coexist. It is time to give my mind the positive energy it needs to take me with it. --- expand how the university is bleak. the statement's good but it is empty!
I must show I am qualified to join such a community. My mind's hunger for understanding is analogous to its continuous, increasing path. Uncovering why and how our multi-dimensional, constantly changing world works the way it does, leads me in all kinds of tangential directions where I find myself at 4am Googling dark matter and Pythagorean theorem proofs. I love learning and expanding my realm of knowledge. Despite the rush of blood to my face when I am in congested, cavernous lecture halls, I raise my hand dying to ask one of many questions my dancing mind is wondering.
-- I must show THAT I am qualified to join such a community.
-- I love, love, love the animation of your writing. I can picture a person doing all these finite motions.
The conclusion's good.
I like it,alot :)
* Also the length is perfect. Don't take out anything, I think it'll compromise the sinuous flow of you're writing.
nkhattri
Feb 11, 2010
Undergraduate / Narrative on GOALS (financial obligations and special circumstances) [2]
Write a short narrative about your goals and include, if relevant, your financial obligations and special circumstances (i.e. severe health conditions).
For as long as I can remember, I have been interested in political science and American history. As a child, I remember visiting Washington D.C, walking the streets of Nebraska Avenue, admiring the monuments, inquiring about what each one represented. Although my life has repeatedly led me to Washington D.C., my fondest childhood memory in Washington D.C. is of when I lost my first tooth while I was in line to tour the White House. As I grew older, my admiration for our nation's history and its political science grew. I became fascinated by how our forefathers experiment, a republican democracy, evolved into one of the greatest cooperative political systems of all time.
My admiration for the righteousness for our legal system has been demonstrated through my interest in all facets of American History. Apart from the rigorous history courses that I have taken during high school, last summer I participated in a residential program at American University which concentrated on civil and criminal law. Through lectures, simulations, and group debates, I was able to grasp key concepts of our justice system and understand the pivotal role that checks and balances play in the balance of our justice system.
My experience at law camp positively changed my outlook on life and allowed me to gain insight into what is ultimately important to me, law. From the content of the program to the students I met, this experience instilled in me a keen appreciation of how our democracy works. As I learned the intricacies of law from erudite professors, I was amazed at the richness and diversity of the American judicial system. I also gained an appreciation for our Constitution which evolved from its humble, narrow origins to protecting the rights of the melting pot of our nation, blind to color and creed. Through intense lectures, simulations, and debates, this program also fueled admiration for law further and I quickly became fascinated by the role that our judicial system plays in the democratization of our diverse society.
Ultimately, my goal is to try to incorporate my love for children with my love for the field of law as a Family Law Advocate. My adoration for children stems from the fact that I've grown up around them. In a large family, I often found myself caring for my cousins. In high school, I took a Child Development course and also read to children at Martin Luther King Elementary School. As a student in college, I aspire to think critically and creatively to gain a solid foundation to succeed in the future as a Family Law Advocate.
Please edit this guys :) It's due soon and I'll edit your stuff too :) Thanks!
Write a short narrative about your goals and include, if relevant, your financial obligations and special circumstances (i.e. severe health conditions).
For as long as I can remember, I have been interested in political science and American history. As a child, I remember visiting Washington D.C, walking the streets of Nebraska Avenue, admiring the monuments, inquiring about what each one represented. Although my life has repeatedly led me to Washington D.C., my fondest childhood memory in Washington D.C. is of when I lost my first tooth while I was in line to tour the White House. As I grew older, my admiration for our nation's history and its political science grew. I became fascinated by how our forefathers experiment, a republican democracy, evolved into one of the greatest cooperative political systems of all time.
My admiration for the righteousness for our legal system has been demonstrated through my interest in all facets of American History. Apart from the rigorous history courses that I have taken during high school, last summer I participated in a residential program at American University which concentrated on civil and criminal law. Through lectures, simulations, and group debates, I was able to grasp key concepts of our justice system and understand the pivotal role that checks and balances play in the balance of our justice system.
My experience at law camp positively changed my outlook on life and allowed me to gain insight into what is ultimately important to me, law. From the content of the program to the students I met, this experience instilled in me a keen appreciation of how our democracy works. As I learned the intricacies of law from erudite professors, I was amazed at the richness and diversity of the American judicial system. I also gained an appreciation for our Constitution which evolved from its humble, narrow origins to protecting the rights of the melting pot of our nation, blind to color and creed. Through intense lectures, simulations, and debates, this program also fueled admiration for law further and I quickly became fascinated by the role that our judicial system plays in the democratization of our diverse society.
Ultimately, my goal is to try to incorporate my love for children with my love for the field of law as a Family Law Advocate. My adoration for children stems from the fact that I've grown up around them. In a large family, I often found myself caring for my cousins. In high school, I took a Child Development course and also read to children at Martin Luther King Elementary School. As a student in college, I aspire to think critically and creatively to gain a solid foundation to succeed in the future as a Family Law Advocate.
Please edit this guys :) It's due soon and I'll edit your stuff too :) Thanks!
nkhattri
Jan 14, 2010
Undergraduate / "quirky, independently-minded partner" - Why Vassar essay [9]
You realize that there's a character limit and this exceeds it right..?
You realize that there's a character limit and this exceeds it right..?
nkhattri
Jan 12, 2010
Undergraduate / Marist Supplement- why is marist 4 u? [4]
I see.
This is my revised version:
Marist Supplement
1000 characters
Why do you believe Marist is a good match for you?
Marist's academic and socially rich environment will provide me with boundless opportunities to develop and to succeed as a person and student. Marist's academics provide a large variety of majors, small class sizes, and professors who are easily accessible. Marist also provides a wide range of resources which will help me to succeed in my pursuits such as the writing center in the James A. Cannavino Library and the FOCUS program which will help assimilate me into life at Marist. Marist also makes registering for classes a personal endeavor in which I'll meet with a professor of my major who will approve or deny my class selections based on my priority points. Socially, Marist's small student population will benefit me as I will befriend similar, intellectually charged students. This familiarity will allow me to benefit from their knowledge and experiences. Marist's priority point system also appeals to me as it determines where I'll live based on my GPA and extra-curricular activities. I believe that I have the motivation and initiative to succeed at the small yet challenging environment of Marist College. After graduating from Marist, I am sure that will be prepared in information and qualifications to succeed in the world, as a person and professional.
what do you think?
Please help me on this, i''ll be sure to edit your stuff too :)
I see.
This is my revised version:
Marist Supplement
1000 characters
Why do you believe Marist is a good match for you?
Marist's academic and socially rich environment will provide me with boundless opportunities to develop and to succeed as a person and student. Marist's academics provide a large variety of majors, small class sizes, and professors who are easily accessible. Marist also provides a wide range of resources which will help me to succeed in my pursuits such as the writing center in the James A. Cannavino Library and the FOCUS program which will help assimilate me into life at Marist. Marist also makes registering for classes a personal endeavor in which I'll meet with a professor of my major who will approve or deny my class selections based on my priority points. Socially, Marist's small student population will benefit me as I will befriend similar, intellectually charged students. This familiarity will allow me to benefit from their knowledge and experiences. Marist's priority point system also appeals to me as it determines where I'll live based on my GPA and extra-curricular activities. I believe that I have the motivation and initiative to succeed at the small yet challenging environment of Marist College. After graduating from Marist, I am sure that will be prepared in information and qualifications to succeed in the world, as a person and professional.
what do you think?
Please help me on this, i''ll be sure to edit your stuff too :)
nkhattri
Dec 30, 2009
nkhattri
Dec 30, 2009
nkhattri
Dec 29, 2009
nkhattri
Dec 29, 2009
Undergraduate / travel experience that changed you. [5]
Khattri spends Summer 2009
in the Golden State
Trip to California instigates kindness in Naveena's heart.
By NAVEENA KHATTRI
SAN DIEGO 2009
My mother had surprised me with the greatest birthday gift of all, a plane ticket to California to see my best friend who I hadn't seen since I was ten. We kept in touch throughout the years, but constantly missed each other's company. After two sleepless nights of catching up on each other's lives, we loaded up the car, and went on road trip throughout Southern California. We visited the glittering shores of La Jollla, where just a look at the cerulean
ocean could foster serenity within you. We walked on the luxurious Rodeo Drive, where your presence seemed
magnified by the paparazzi that lined the streets. We looked through the telescopes of Griffith Observatory to get a hawk's view at the luminous city of Los Angeles. Finally, we walked along the chaotic streets of San Diego that were bustling with Comic-Con attendees.
While I absorbed the magnificence of downtown San Diego firsthand, I was overwhelmed with a sense
of belonging as we entered North and South Embarcadero Marina Park. The sun glistened on my skin and blinded me from appreciating the clear sky ahead. As I strode forward, I took a deep breath, and felt a stream of purity cleanse my lungs. The word beautiful did not suffice to describe this new place. I leaned over a rocky wall, looked down to see my reflection, and my smile instantly lengthened. The new environment was poignant and I felt infinite. Growing up in New Jersey, I had become accustomed to scenic views but none had caught my emotions and thoughts as strongly as the view from North and South Embarcadero Marina Park.
Although North and South Embarcadero Marina Park had grasped my emotions and thoughts, the California experience itself transformed my thoughts and prepared me for the college experiences of living in a new environment, befriending people from diverse backgrounds, and exposed me to different lifestyles. My visit allowed me to realize that the opportunities in the word are boundless, motivated me towards the accomplishment of my dreams, and most importantly, reinvigorated my confidence in the world and myself
PLEASE help me with this :)I'll help you w/ your stuff too! PROMISE.
Khattri spends Summer 2009
in the Golden State
Trip to California instigates kindness in Naveena's heart.
By NAVEENA KHATTRI
SAN DIEGO 2009
My mother had surprised me with the greatest birthday gift of all, a plane ticket to California to see my best friend who I hadn't seen since I was ten. We kept in touch throughout the years, but constantly missed each other's company. After two sleepless nights of catching up on each other's lives, we loaded up the car, and went on road trip throughout Southern California. We visited the glittering shores of La Jollla, where just a look at the cerulean
ocean could foster serenity within you. We walked on the luxurious Rodeo Drive, where your presence seemed
magnified by the paparazzi that lined the streets. We looked through the telescopes of Griffith Observatory to get a hawk's view at the luminous city of Los Angeles. Finally, we walked along the chaotic streets of San Diego that were bustling with Comic-Con attendees.
While I absorbed the magnificence of downtown San Diego firsthand, I was overwhelmed with a sense
of belonging as we entered North and South Embarcadero Marina Park. The sun glistened on my skin and blinded me from appreciating the clear sky ahead. As I strode forward, I took a deep breath, and felt a stream of purity cleanse my lungs. The word beautiful did not suffice to describe this new place. I leaned over a rocky wall, looked down to see my reflection, and my smile instantly lengthened. The new environment was poignant and I felt infinite. Growing up in New Jersey, I had become accustomed to scenic views but none had caught my emotions and thoughts as strongly as the view from North and South Embarcadero Marina Park.
Although North and South Embarcadero Marina Park had grasped my emotions and thoughts, the California experience itself transformed my thoughts and prepared me for the college experiences of living in a new environment, befriending people from diverse backgrounds, and exposed me to different lifestyles. My visit allowed me to realize that the opportunities in the word are boundless, motivated me towards the accomplishment of my dreams, and most importantly, reinvigorated my confidence in the world and myself
PLEASE help me with this :)I'll help you w/ your stuff too! PROMISE.
nkhattri
Dec 22, 2009
Undergraduate / Marist Supplement- why is marist 4 u? [4]
Marist Supplement
1000 characters
Why do you believe Marist is a good match for you?
Marist's academic and socially rich environment will provide me with boundless opportunities to develop and to succeed as a person and student. Marist's academics provide a wide range of majors, small class sizes, and professors who are easily accessible, extremely knowledgeable in their fields, and motivational. Marist also provides a wide range of resources which will help me to succeed in my pursuits such as the writing center, innovative technology, and study abroad programs. Socially, Marist's small student population will benefit me as I will befriend similar, intellectually charged students. This familiarity will allow me to benefit from their knowledge, friendship, ideas, company, and experience. My personal discussions with my fellow Marist colleagues will also enable me to gain a better understanding of current and past issues. I believe that I have the motivation and initiative to succeed at the competitive but very supportive environment of Marist College. I am sure that Marist College will prepare and produce a well-rounded, aware citizen and that I will be prepared information, skills, and qualifications to succeed in the world, as a person and professional.
Any and every edit will be appreciated, and i'll edit your stuff too! Thanks! I'm in a bit of a rush so ASAP please :)
Marist Supplement
1000 characters
Why do you believe Marist is a good match for you?
Marist's academic and socially rich environment will provide me with boundless opportunities to develop and to succeed as a person and student. Marist's academics provide a wide range of majors, small class sizes, and professors who are easily accessible, extremely knowledgeable in their fields, and motivational. Marist also provides a wide range of resources which will help me to succeed in my pursuits such as the writing center, innovative technology, and study abroad programs. Socially, Marist's small student population will benefit me as I will befriend similar, intellectually charged students. This familiarity will allow me to benefit from their knowledge, friendship, ideas, company, and experience. My personal discussions with my fellow Marist colleagues will also enable me to gain a better understanding of current and past issues. I believe that I have the motivation and initiative to succeed at the competitive but very supportive environment of Marist College. I am sure that Marist College will prepare and produce a well-rounded, aware citizen and that I will be prepared information, skills, and qualifications to succeed in the world, as a person and professional.
Any and every edit will be appreciated, and i'll edit your stuff too! Thanks! I'm in a bit of a rush so ASAP please :)
nkhattri
Dec 16, 2009
Undergraduate / The importance of diversity as a prospective Rutgers student. [11]
Thanks Kevin, I'm planning on editing (clearing) the first paragraph and describing specifics, but would that be repetition because I describe this upbringing in the next paragraph?
Thanks Kevin, I'm planning on editing (clearing) the first paragraph and describing specifics, but would that be repetition because I describe this upbringing in the next paragraph?
nkhattri
Dec 15, 2009
Undergraduate / JHU supplement.. needs some fine tuning [3]
I look around my room and immediately spot souvenirs from four different countries: a blue bag from Bali, a colorful scarf from Italy, wooden bangles from India and a picture frame from Singapore. My ardor to experience other cultures had led me across the globe; however, the most valuable item I brought back cannot be stashed in a suitcase and sent through a baggage check. Through my travels I have attained an intangible wisdom distinct to every culture and lessons unique to each community on the globe.
* My ardor to experience other cultures and to meet people of different cultures, histories, and backgrounds has led me across the globe. However, the most valuable item that I have brought back from my travels cannot be stashed into a suitcase and sent through baggage check. As a result of my travels, I have attained intangible wisdom distinct to every culture and lessons unique to each community in the world.
At Johns Hopkins University, I will pursue a major in International Studies because I crave an education that satisfies these understandings. The International Studies program transcends boundaries to explore a global education; crossing paths into political science, history, economics, and foreign language. I especially like that the program places an integral importance on foreign language. Two summers ago, I volunteered at SOS Children's Village, a "family facility" for homeless children. I was asked to teach a class in Spoken English to a group of girls who were familiar with the English language, but shy to communicate their skills verbally. Because of my fluency in Malayalam (a dialect of South India), my students trusted me, knowing that if they struggled with English, I would offer encouragement in their native tongue. Knowing a second language bonded me to these girls; it accurately emphasized our similarities rather than our differences.
*At Johns Hopkins University, I will pursue a major in International Studies because I crave an education that satisfies these understandings.Clarify what you mean by understandings!
* I especially value the emphasis the program places on the integral impotance of foreign language.
Why is "family facility" in quotes? Explain.
spoken English*
* As a result of my fluency in Malayalam ( a dialect of South India), my students trusted me because they knew that if they struggled with English, I would offer encouragement in their native tongue. --- I'm Indian I know what you're talking about but maybe an admission offer won't so explain how the girls native tongue was Malayalam, and how they understood English but were shy to communicate using it. Knowing a second language bonded me to these girls; it accurately emphasized our similarities rather than our differences.
The International Studies Program recognizes language as a driving force that connects nations, communities, and people. As a student in the program I hope to learn and practice another language with the same ardor I learned Malayalam as a child. Travelling the world and picking up another dialect has been an inspiring seventeen-year journey, finally leading me to choose a major at JHU. I view International Studies as the beginning to a rich and worldly education.
* The International Studies Program recognizes language as the driving force that connects nations, communities, and people. As a student in the program, I aspire to learn and practice another language with the same passion that fueled my desire to learn Malayalam as a child. Travelling the world and picking upa new dialect has been an inspiring seventeen- year journey, and has led me to choose this major at JHU. My enrollment in this program will be the beginning to a rich and worldly education.
Hope you find these edits useful. Please edit my Diversity essay. Thank you.
I look around my room and immediately spot souvenirs from four different countries: a blue bag from Bali, a colorful scarf from Italy, wooden bangles from India and a picture frame from Singapore. My ardor to experience other cultures had led me across the globe; however, the most valuable item I brought back cannot be stashed in a suitcase and sent through a baggage check. Through my travels I have attained an intangible wisdom distinct to every culture and lessons unique to each community on the globe.
* My ardor to experience other cultures and to meet people of different cultures, histories, and backgrounds has led me across the globe. However, the most valuable item that I have brought back from my travels cannot be stashed into a suitcase and sent through baggage check. As a result of my travels, I have attained intangible wisdom distinct to every culture and lessons unique to each community in the world.
At Johns Hopkins University, I will pursue a major in International Studies because I crave an education that satisfies these understandings. The International Studies program transcends boundaries to explore a global education; crossing paths into political science, history, economics, and foreign language. I especially like that the program places an integral importance on foreign language. Two summers ago, I volunteered at SOS Children's Village, a "family facility" for homeless children. I was asked to teach a class in Spoken English to a group of girls who were familiar with the English language, but shy to communicate their skills verbally. Because of my fluency in Malayalam (a dialect of South India), my students trusted me, knowing that if they struggled with English, I would offer encouragement in their native tongue. Knowing a second language bonded me to these girls; it accurately emphasized our similarities rather than our differences.
*At Johns Hopkins University, I will pursue a major in International Studies because I crave an education that satisfies these understandings.Clarify what you mean by understandings!
* I especially value the emphasis the program places on the integral impotance of foreign language.
Why is "family facility" in quotes? Explain.
spoken English*
* As a result of my fluency in Malayalam ( a dialect of South India), my students trusted me because they knew that if they struggled with English, I would offer encouragement in their native tongue. --- I'm Indian I know what you're talking about but maybe an admission offer won't so explain how the girls native tongue was Malayalam, and how they understood English but were shy to communicate using it. Knowing a second language bonded me to these girls; it accurately emphasized our similarities rather than our differences.
The International Studies Program recognizes language as a driving force that connects nations, communities, and people. As a student in the program I hope to learn and practice another language with the same ardor I learned Malayalam as a child. Travelling the world and picking up another dialect has been an inspiring seventeen-year journey, finally leading me to choose a major at JHU. I view International Studies as the beginning to a rich and worldly education.
* The International Studies Program recognizes language as the driving force that connects nations, communities, and people. As a student in the program, I aspire to learn and practice another language with the same passion that fueled my desire to learn Malayalam as a child. Travelling the world and picking upa new dialect has been an inspiring seventeen- year journey, and has led me to choose this major at JHU. My enrollment in this program will be the beginning to a rich and worldly education.
Hope you find these edits useful. Please edit my Diversity essay. Thank you.
nkhattri
Dec 14, 2009
Undergraduate / [Princeton] My conquered walls [4]
Also, please edit mine i'm short on time and would really appreciate it thanks.
Also, please edit mine i'm short on time and would really appreciate it thanks.
nkhattri
Dec 14, 2009
Undergraduate / The importance of diversity as a prospective Rutgers student. [11]
Your instincts are right, Mumi was one of my favorite babysitters.
Ohh I see what youre saying-- like include an attention grabbing anecdote ?
Thanks, I'll edit yours when I get home from school.
Your instincts are right, Mumi was one of my favorite babysitters.
Ohh I see what youre saying-- like include an attention grabbing anecdote ?
Thanks, I'll edit yours when I get home from school.
nkhattri
Dec 14, 2009
Undergraduate / Macaulay Honors Essay- International Concern (animals) [3]
:) On a side note, I'm the vice president of my school's animal welfare club and I really enjoyed reading your statement. I'm also Indian so I have a firsthand experience with the dogs you're speaking about. It's such a shame to see so many, so hungry. I'm happy to know that there are more people like me in the world who are fighting the animal injustices in the world.
Hope you find the revisions helpful as welll, please take a look @ my essay.
:) On a side note, I'm the vice president of my school's animal welfare club and I really enjoyed reading your statement. I'm also Indian so I have a firsthand experience with the dogs you're speaking about. It's such a shame to see so many, so hungry. I'm happy to know that there are more people like me in the world who are fighting the animal injustices in the world.
Hope you find the revisions helpful as welll, please take a look @ my essay.
nkhattri
Dec 14, 2009
Undergraduate / [Princeton] My conquered walls [4]
Hey, because there you didn't include a prompt, I was unsure of the topic, however I edited it as best as I could.
American colonists during the settlement must have felt this way. On an untamed, foreign land, they endured infinite trials and errors until they finally declared their independence and transformed the land into a thriving civilization. On the same land they settled, I, too, am a colonist.
* As the American colonists came to America to endure infinite trials and errors and finally declared their independence, they transformed this land into a thriving civilization. Similiarly, I am a colonist on their land.
- There's no transition between the ideas and I was caught off-guard by the switch. Include a transition to show where the essay is headed.
My fingers blistered and my knees worn out as I climbed the wall. If I advanced an inch higher, hands of derision grabbed my ankle. In the Rio Grande Valley in Texas, the sky held its arms wide open as if to welcome and embrace me, but even the gesture trapped me dauntingly. No one forced me to climb, but it was my duty, for I had asked my family to give me the opportunity to live in the States.
* My fingers were blistered and my knees were worn out as I climbed the wall. If i advanced an inch higher, hands of derision would grab my ankles. I was in Rio Grande Valley, Texas, and as I looked up the sky held its arms wide open as if to welcome and embrace me. Despire this comforting scene, the gesture trapped me dauntingly. I had opted to climb, ------ but it was my duty, for I had asked my family...states. -- This whole sentence seems irrelevant to the whole climbing of the well scene you've painted. use transitions!
Over the wall fences at my first residence South Point, I saw the infinite sky touching the horizon; it seemed distant and unattainable. Between my previous life and my new life to come, I, in the age of twelve, was to hibernate with no means of transportation and no friend to visit. Albeit a triviality on the surface, the walls had not only meant a physical barrier but also a symbol of constant challenges I had to face. In my foreign life, everyday I felt compelled to confront the walls. 'Can I ever overcome them?' I wondered.
- Over the wall fences at my first home (residence sounds impersonal) South Point, I saw the boundless ( you've used inifinite enough times) sky touching the horizon; it seemed distant and unattainable.
* You switched thoughts without a transition again, lead into WHY you are going here & touching this subject.
Between my previous life and my new live to come,--------As a twelve year old, I had no means of transportation nor any friend to visit.
in the age of twelve???! As a twelve year old!
Hey, because there you didn't include a prompt, I was unsure of the topic, however I edited it as best as I could.
American colonists during the settlement must have felt this way. On an untamed, foreign land, they endured infinite trials and errors until they finally declared their independence and transformed the land into a thriving civilization. On the same land they settled, I, too, am a colonist.
* As the American colonists came to America to endure infinite trials and errors and finally declared their independence, they transformed this land into a thriving civilization. Similiarly, I am a colonist on their land.
- There's no transition between the ideas and I was caught off-guard by the switch. Include a transition to show where the essay is headed.
My fingers blistered and my knees worn out as I climbed the wall. If I advanced an inch higher, hands of derision grabbed my ankle. In the Rio Grande Valley in Texas, the sky held its arms wide open as if to welcome and embrace me, but even the gesture trapped me dauntingly. No one forced me to climb, but it was my duty, for I had asked my family to give me the opportunity to live in the States.
* My fingers were blistered and my knees were worn out as I climbed the wall. If i advanced an inch higher, hands of derision would grab my ankles. I was in Rio Grande Valley, Texas, and as I looked up the sky held its arms wide open as if to welcome and embrace me. Despire this comforting scene, the gesture trapped me dauntingly. I had opted to climb, ------ but it was my duty, for I had asked my family...states. -- This whole sentence seems irrelevant to the whole climbing of the well scene you've painted. use transitions!
Over the wall fences at my first residence South Point, I saw the infinite sky touching the horizon; it seemed distant and unattainable. Between my previous life and my new life to come, I, in the age of twelve, was to hibernate with no means of transportation and no friend to visit. Albeit a triviality on the surface, the walls had not only meant a physical barrier but also a symbol of constant challenges I had to face. In my foreign life, everyday I felt compelled to confront the walls. 'Can I ever overcome them?' I wondered.
- Over the wall fences at my first home (residence sounds impersonal) South Point, I saw the boundless ( you've used inifinite enough times) sky touching the horizon; it seemed distant and unattainable.
* You switched thoughts without a transition again, lead into WHY you are going here & touching this subject.
Between my previous life and my new live to come,--------As a twelve year old, I had no means of transportation nor any friend to visit.
in the age of twelve???! As a twelve year old!
nkhattri
Dec 13, 2009
Undergraduate / major in biotechnology - Why Tufts? [5]
With an outstanding biology department and abundant research opportunities for undergraduates, Tufts is the best place for me to pursue my major in biotechnology. However, what truly sparked my interest in Tufts was hearing anecdotes of students' unique experiences while visiting campus. I want to spend the next four years with professors who lecture outside dressed as pirates and students who build ski jumps on the steepest parts of campus for spontaneous ski sessions.
However, what truly sparked my interest in Tufts was hearing anecdotes of students' unique experiences while visiting campus.
While visiting the campus, I was truly inspired by the unique anecdotes of current students*.
I want to spend the next four years with professors who lecture outside dressed as pirates and students who build ski jumps on the steepest parts of campus for spontaneous ski sessions.
* I'm eager to spend the next four years with professors who lecture dressed as pirates and students who build ski jumps on the steepest parts of campus for spontaneous ski sessions.
As for the cohesive ending. --- Explain how Tufts could influence/motivate your life overall.
:) Hope this was helpful. Please edit my most recent essay- Common App prompt
Thanks!
With an outstanding biology department and abundant research opportunities for undergraduates, Tufts is the best place for me to pursue my major in biotechnology. However, what truly sparked my interest in Tufts was hearing anecdotes of students' unique experiences while visiting campus. I want to spend the next four years with professors who lecture outside dressed as pirates and students who build ski jumps on the steepest parts of campus for spontaneous ski sessions.
However, what truly sparked my interest in Tufts was hearing anecdotes of students' unique experiences while visiting campus.
While visiting the campus, I was truly inspired by the unique anecdotes of current students*.
I want to spend the next four years with professors who lecture outside dressed as pirates and students who build ski jumps on the steepest parts of campus for spontaneous ski sessions.
* I'm eager to spend the next four years with professors who lecture dressed as pirates and students who build ski jumps on the steepest parts of campus for spontaneous ski sessions.
As for the cohesive ending. --- Explain how Tufts could influence/motivate your life overall.
:) Hope this was helpful. Please edit my most recent essay- Common App prompt
Thanks!
nkhattri
Dec 13, 2009
Undergraduate / The importance of diversity as a prospective Rutgers student. [11]
Any edits will be greatly appreciated, and I will also edit your stuff.
thank you so much in advance :)
Any edits will be greatly appreciated, and I will also edit your stuff.
thank you so much in advance :)
nkhattri
Nov 30, 2009
Undergraduate / Diverse Earth - Help with Rutgers College Essay! [5]
when you submit the essay, they format it so that paragraph breaks are no longer there, so don't worry about that.
when you submit the essay, they format it so that paragraph breaks are no longer there, so don't worry about that.
nkhattri
Nov 29, 2009
Undergraduate / For as long as I can remember, I have been a writer; Pratt Institute [6]
]Dawn, I absolutely loved it.
you used furiously twice in two paragraphs though.
Growing up, I watched my sister furiously write her thoughts and feelings into her journals for hours.
I poured my feelings out onto paper when given the chance and I furiously typed my stories on the computer when brainstorming.
Also-- I poured my feeling onto paper. Not OUT onto paper.
Other than that its perfectoo.
]Dawn, I absolutely loved it.
you used furiously twice in two paragraphs though.
Growing up, I watched my sister furiously write her thoughts and feelings into her journals for hours.
I poured my feelings out onto paper when given the chance and I furiously typed my stories on the computer when brainstorming.
Also-- I poured my feeling onto paper. Not OUT onto paper.
Other than that its perfectoo.
nkhattri
Nov 29, 2009
Undergraduate / The importance of diversity as a prospective Rutgers student. [11]
Dawn.
I hate you hahahha but thanks for all the insight.
and luuu123, yeah i'll work on thatl; thanks.
Dawn.
I hate you hahahha but thanks for all the insight.
and luuu123, yeah i'll work on thatl; thanks.
nkhattri
Nov 29, 2009
Undergraduate / The importance of diversity as a prospective Rutgers student. [11]
The importance of diversity as a prospective Rutgers student.
Thanks in advance guys. For every edit you give me, I'll edit one of your essays. This is due soon, so I'd appreciate reponses ASAP. Thanks thanks thanks.
PROMPT: Rutgers University is a vibrant community of people with a wide variety of backgrounds and experiences. How would you benefit from and contribute to such an environment? Consider variables such as your talents, travels, leadership activities, volunteer services, and cultural experiences. Only personal essays submitted via our website will be considered. You may enter a maximum of 3800 characters including spaces.
For the past seventeen years, I have gained an appreciation for diversity as it has been present in all facets of my life. (how can i make this clearer?) My regard for diversity has enriched my academic, extra-curricular, and life experiences and has developed me into the reflection of a more diverse student. As part of a rich and diverse college community, I will use the insight I have gained from my experiences to contribute to and benefit from the social and ethnic diversities of my fellow colleagues and professors.
As a first generation American, I had a unique upbringing which fostered an acceptance and appreciation for diverse views at an early age. During my childhood, I was raised by devoted parents who firmly believed in their native traditions and (also?) by babysitters, who had their own set of values. With Mumi, I learned to speak Mandarin and to appreciate nature during our long walks in the park. With Valentina, I grew to understand the importance of patience and precision as she taught me to write legibly and to paint within the lines. By gaining insightful, worldly views at a young age, I grew accustomed to respecting different personal beliefs and perspectives.
When my family moved around the country, I kept these multifarious beliefs in my heart to develop beneficial relationships. By living in different communities from Tucson, Arizona to Edison, New Jersey, each of my homes served as a snapshot of the world, with different surroundings and people with unique cultures, histories, and backgrounds. I flourished as a high school student because my experiences indirectly taught me to effectively interact and learn from all types of people. I have grown to appreciate the individuality of my peers and have realized that everyone has knowledge to share. My childhood experiences and perpetual beliefs have also allowed to me to appreciate diversity and to eliminate stereotypical preconceptions, beliefs which I will carry to my college experience. By valuing fellow students on their character and contributions, rather than on their appearances or faith, I have been able to appreciate diversity to the fullest extent. My appreciation for diversity has also supported me to pursue a myriad of interests, ranging from advocating animal welfare to learning about law.
Last summer, I was selected for Lead America's Congressional Student Leadership Conferences which aim to guide high school students towards certain academic fields. I elected to participate in the Law and Trial Advocacy program because of my interest in the American law and judicial system. My experience at law camp demonstrated and mirrored the importance of diversity in all aspects. From the content of the program to the students I met, this experience instilled in me a keen appreciation of how diversity can enrich life experiences and lessons. As I learned the intricacies of law from erudite professors, I was amazed at the richness and diversity of the American judicial system. When I came to understand how an appreciation for diversity evolved the Constitution from its humble, narrow origins into protecting the rights of the melting pot of our nation, blind to caste, color, and creed, I was simply stunned by the realization that our nation's backbone is ultimately, diversity. I also befriended many students, each with their unique spectrum of stories. As we debated the perspectives and reasoned the motives of defendants and plaintiffs, I grew accustomed to personal opinions and heterogeneous personalities. This experience indefinitely shaped me because by encountering so many new people with varied perspectives, I was enlightened and have since grown a further appreciation for distinctive thinking.
My childhood and high school experiences are great contrasts, carefree and driven, however, both illustrate how multifarious my world is. Because the ____ community consists of students and faculty from a variety of backgrounds and experiences, the daily invigorating dose of diversity will motivate me towards accomplishing my dreams by enhancing my confidence in the world and fostering my leadership abilities to prepare me for all types of successes in my life. Today, I feel that I am a better citizen of the world because of my firsthand exposure to the diverse, melting pot of America. As a college student, I will gain the irreplaceable benefit of taking another picture of the world to put into my album of experiences and I will be preparing to succeed in the diverse world that we live in.
The importance of diversity as a prospective Rutgers student.
Thanks in advance guys. For every edit you give me, I'll edit one of your essays. This is due soon, so I'd appreciate reponses ASAP. Thanks thanks thanks.
PROMPT: Rutgers University is a vibrant community of people with a wide variety of backgrounds and experiences. How would you benefit from and contribute to such an environment? Consider variables such as your talents, travels, leadership activities, volunteer services, and cultural experiences. Only personal essays submitted via our website will be considered. You may enter a maximum of 3800 characters including spaces.
For the past seventeen years, I have gained an appreciation for diversity as it has been present in all facets of my life. (how can i make this clearer?) My regard for diversity has enriched my academic, extra-curricular, and life experiences and has developed me into the reflection of a more diverse student. As part of a rich and diverse college community, I will use the insight I have gained from my experiences to contribute to and benefit from the social and ethnic diversities of my fellow colleagues and professors.
As a first generation American, I had a unique upbringing which fostered an acceptance and appreciation for diverse views at an early age. During my childhood, I was raised by devoted parents who firmly believed in their native traditions and (also?) by babysitters, who had their own set of values. With Mumi, I learned to speak Mandarin and to appreciate nature during our long walks in the park. With Valentina, I grew to understand the importance of patience and precision as she taught me to write legibly and to paint within the lines. By gaining insightful, worldly views at a young age, I grew accustomed to respecting different personal beliefs and perspectives.
When my family moved around the country, I kept these multifarious beliefs in my heart to develop beneficial relationships. By living in different communities from Tucson, Arizona to Edison, New Jersey, each of my homes served as a snapshot of the world, with different surroundings and people with unique cultures, histories, and backgrounds. I flourished as a high school student because my experiences indirectly taught me to effectively interact and learn from all types of people. I have grown to appreciate the individuality of my peers and have realized that everyone has knowledge to share. My childhood experiences and perpetual beliefs have also allowed to me to appreciate diversity and to eliminate stereotypical preconceptions, beliefs which I will carry to my college experience. By valuing fellow students on their character and contributions, rather than on their appearances or faith, I have been able to appreciate diversity to the fullest extent. My appreciation for diversity has also supported me to pursue a myriad of interests, ranging from advocating animal welfare to learning about law.
Last summer, I was selected for Lead America's Congressional Student Leadership Conferences which aim to guide high school students towards certain academic fields. I elected to participate in the Law and Trial Advocacy program because of my interest in the American law and judicial system. My experience at law camp demonstrated and mirrored the importance of diversity in all aspects. From the content of the program to the students I met, this experience instilled in me a keen appreciation of how diversity can enrich life experiences and lessons. As I learned the intricacies of law from erudite professors, I was amazed at the richness and diversity of the American judicial system. When I came to understand how an appreciation for diversity evolved the Constitution from its humble, narrow origins into protecting the rights of the melting pot of our nation, blind to caste, color, and creed, I was simply stunned by the realization that our nation's backbone is ultimately, diversity. I also befriended many students, each with their unique spectrum of stories. As we debated the perspectives and reasoned the motives of defendants and plaintiffs, I grew accustomed to personal opinions and heterogeneous personalities. This experience indefinitely shaped me because by encountering so many new people with varied perspectives, I was enlightened and have since grown a further appreciation for distinctive thinking.
My childhood and high school experiences are great contrasts, carefree and driven, however, both illustrate how multifarious my world is. Because the ____ community consists of students and faculty from a variety of backgrounds and experiences, the daily invigorating dose of diversity will motivate me towards accomplishing my dreams by enhancing my confidence in the world and fostering my leadership abilities to prepare me for all types of successes in my life. Today, I feel that I am a better citizen of the world because of my firsthand exposure to the diverse, melting pot of America. As a college student, I will gain the irreplaceable benefit of taking another picture of the world to put into my album of experiences and I will be preparing to succeed in the diverse world that we live in.
nkhattri
Nov 28, 2009
Undergraduate / How my family's diversity has shaped me into a well-rounded person. [11]
thanks i revised the whole essay and submitted it today.
thanks i revised the whole essay and submitted it today.
nkhattri
Nov 28, 2009
Undergraduate / UC Prompt 1: K-pop [12]
Sorry for the delayed response!
Coming from strict Indian families, my parents were initially quite unpleased with my foray into a very new realm. People around me did not understand my seemingly random fascination with Asian music, and I was constantly made fun of for appreciating something that to them was bizarre and awkward. Despite the lack of acceptance, I decided that I would not hide my k-pop affairs in shame, but rather use them to positively influence my life and those of others.
* Because my parents were strict, they were initially unpleased with my foray into a very new realm.
* I was constantly teased for appreciating..
* Despite this* lack of acceptance
Going to events like the Korean Music Festival fuelled my ambition to facilitate awareness and share my love of k-pop with the world BECAUSE?...
-- add as an explanation as to WHY.
*outlet for expression
outlet OF expression.
Sorry for the delayed response!
Coming from strict Indian families, my parents were initially quite unpleased with my foray into a very new realm. People around me did not understand my seemingly random fascination with Asian music, and I was constantly made fun of for appreciating something that to them was bizarre and awkward. Despite the lack of acceptance, I decided that I would not hide my k-pop affairs in shame, but rather use them to positively influence my life and those of others.
* Because my parents were strict, they were initially unpleased with my foray into a very new realm.
* I was constantly teased for appreciating..
* Despite this* lack of acceptance
Going to events like the Korean Music Festival fuelled my ambition to facilitate awareness and share my love of k-pop with the world BECAUSE?...
-- add as an explanation as to WHY.
*outlet for expression
outlet OF expression.
nkhattri
Nov 28, 2009
Undergraduate / How my family's diversity has shaped me into a well-rounded person. [11]
thanks guys!
thanks guys!
nkhattri
Nov 23, 2009
Undergraduate / How my family's diversity has shaped me into a well-rounded person. [11]
Colorloving, can you read through that. It's been thoroughly edited so let me know if you find anything wrong with it. the parenthetical stuff is alternate ways to state waht i'm trying to get at but i'm not sure which ones work better.
Thanks.
Colorloving, can you read through that. It's been thoroughly edited so let me know if you find anything wrong with it. the parenthetical stuff is alternate ways to state waht i'm trying to get at but i'm not sure which ones work better.
Thanks.
nkhattri
Nov 23, 2009
Undergraduate / UC Prompt 2 - My best friend's grandma [19]
no problem! could you edit my essay? i'd really appreciate it, thanks
no problem! could you edit my essay? i'd really appreciate it, thanks
nkhattri
Nov 23, 2009
Grammar, Usage / Antisemitism or anti-Semitism? [8]
Second one. The hyphen emphasizes the against aspect of it .
Second one. The hyphen emphasizes the against aspect of it .
nkhattri
Nov 23, 2009
Undergraduate / UC Prompt 2 - My best friend's grandma [19]
I think you should reflect how your relationship with Li will influence your relationships in the future.
For example, it's taught you to accept all people, enabled you to communicate more effectively with people, and how you realized that expression is also an effective communicator.
That kind of thing.
I think you should reflect how your relationship with Li will influence your relationships in the future.
For example, it's taught you to accept all people, enabled you to communicate more effectively with people, and how you realized that expression is also an effective communicator.
That kind of thing.
nkhattri
Nov 23, 2009
Undergraduate / UC Prompt 2 - My best friend's grandma [19]
-- don't use contractions in formal essay writing so; write, I could not understand.
Rewrite the sequences of the sentences, instead of explaining an action, and then the character write.
So for example: While she softly muttered foreign words,she shuffled around the kitchen absentmindedly picking up pots and pans with her fragile hands.
Secondly, if you're going to explain your thoughts, use quotes. SO: " How am I going to get through the next few weeks?", I thought anxiously.
-- Since it's the past, reflect on it as a memory. For about a month (last summer, or whenever(, I took care and supervised Lia Hua, ___________explain who Lia Hua is, although by reading your essay I understood, however, describe her, what makes her unique to you.
The task was seemingly easy enough - save for the fact that she is my friend's Chinese grandmother and knows no English save for "thank you" and "bye". --- Except for the fact.
-- don't use contractions in formal essay writing so; write, I could not understand.
Rewrite the sequences of the sentences, instead of explaining an action, and then the character write.
So for example: While she softly muttered foreign words,she shuffled around the kitchen absentmindedly picking up pots and pans with her fragile hands.
Secondly, if you're going to explain your thoughts, use quotes. SO: " How am I going to get through the next few weeks?", I thought anxiously.
-- Since it's the past, reflect on it as a memory. For about a month (last summer, or whenever(, I took care and supervised Lia Hua, ___________explain who Lia Hua is, although by reading your essay I understood, however, describe her, what makes her unique to you.
The task was seemingly easy enough - save for the fact that she is my friend's Chinese grandmother and knows no English save for "thank you" and "bye". --- Except for the fact.
nkhattri
Nov 23, 2009
Undergraduate / an asian family -UC personal statement: Describe the world you come from [...] [6]
By the time I was seven, my sister had already graduated. All I ever heard was her greatness.
-- By the time I was seven, my sister had already graduated and all I had ever heard of was her greatness.
And it was true, when we moved only two years later, we had to throw away two boxes of trophies because she just had too many.
--It waswas true, when we moved two yearse later, we threw away two boxes of her trophies because she had too many. -- Don't start a sentence with AND.
As a seven year old, and a seven year old from an asian family at that, all I ever heard was get into a good college. At seven years old, my bar was set for me and my parents would always point out to me that she went to a great college with a merit scholarship. That was my life. I was embodied in this atmosphere of nothing but success.
As a seven year old from an Asian family, my bar was set for me by my parents who would consistently point out the importance of getting accepted into a great college with a merit scholarship. Growing up, I was embodied in atmosphere that strived for nothing but success.
- I think adding the "from an asian family at that", is cliche. Many asians apply to UC colleges, and it's cliche to say.
STOP. using stereotypes in your writing. It does nothing to advance your meaning or to bring clarity in your essay.
Regardless of the rigidity of my family life, I came to love the clubs. It was at these clubs and organizations I met the jocks of the tennis team, the select group of newspaper, the "nerds" of Academic Decathlon, but nothing could have prepared me for Speech and Debate.
They were not your ordinary kids you saw at lunch. Speech and Debate was made by the "Hill" kids. They were your weird ones, the emo, the hippies, the rednecks
- get rid of it, EXPLAIN the stereotypes, don't just show, EXPLAIN.
By the time I was seven, my sister had already graduated. All I ever heard was her greatness.
-- By the time I was seven, my sister had already graduated and all I had ever heard of was her greatness.
And it was true, when we moved only two years later, we had to throw away two boxes of trophies because she just had too many.
--It waswas true, when we moved two yearse later, we threw away two boxes of her trophies because she had too many. -- Don't start a sentence with AND.
As a seven year old, and a seven year old from an asian family at that, all I ever heard was get into a good college. At seven years old, my bar was set for me and my parents would always point out to me that she went to a great college with a merit scholarship. That was my life. I was embodied in this atmosphere of nothing but success.
As a seven year old from an Asian family, my bar was set for me by my parents who would consistently point out the importance of getting accepted into a great college with a merit scholarship. Growing up, I was embodied in atmosphere that strived for nothing but success.
- I think adding the "from an asian family at that", is cliche. Many asians apply to UC colleges, and it's cliche to say.
STOP. using stereotypes in your writing. It does nothing to advance your meaning or to bring clarity in your essay.
Regardless of the rigidity of my family life, I came to love the clubs. It was at these clubs and organizations I met the jocks of the tennis team, the select group of newspaper, the "nerds" of Academic Decathlon, but nothing could have prepared me for Speech and Debate.
They were not your ordinary kids you saw at lunch. Speech and Debate was made by the "Hill" kids. They were your weird ones, the emo, the hippies, the rednecks
- get rid of it, EXPLAIN the stereotypes, don't just show, EXPLAIN.
nkhattri
Nov 23, 2009
Undergraduate / How my family's diversity has shaped me into a well-rounded person. [11]
No its for UC Apps. and thanks for the insight.
No its for UC Apps. and thanks for the insight.
nkhattri
Nov 22, 2009
Undergraduate / Is a women's college still relevant in 2009 [2]
But an all girls' school helps instill in its students the qualities which might otherwise be suppressed in a co-ed school.
- Which qualities? Be more specific, and incorporate it into who you are as a student/person.
Besides, a women's college doesn't mean that it is secluded entirely from the male society.
- State how you will interact with males while going to a women's college
Awomen's college recognizes these differences and fulfills the immense potential of its students to the fullest.
- How ?? By doing what..?
When I was in my co-ed high school I remember yearning so many times to go back to my school where there were no limitations for girls, the class was not boys-dominated, there were no boys distracting and competing and where girls got to run the show
- While I was in co-ed high school classes, I yearned to go back to an all girls school where ... ?
- Don't use contractions in a formal essay.
But an all girls' school helps instill in its students the qualities which might otherwise be suppressed in a co-ed school.
- Which qualities? Be more specific, and incorporate it into who you are as a student/person.
Besides, a women's college doesn't mean that it is secluded entirely from the male society.
- State how you will interact with males while going to a women's college
Awomen's college recognizes these differences and fulfills the immense potential of its students to the fullest.
- How ?? By doing what..?
When I was in my co-ed high school I remember yearning so many times to go back to my school where there were no limitations for girls, the class was not boys-dominated, there were no boys distracting and competing and where girls got to run the show
- While I was in co-ed high school classes, I yearned to go back to an all girls school where ... ?
- Don't use contractions in a formal essay.
nkhattri
Nov 22, 2009
Undergraduate / UC prompt 1: "My past and my present are the key to my future." [13]
When I stare at those embarrassing photos of myself as a kid that my mother treasures like gold, I just see how that boy has become a man.
-- I feel like the simile, comparing the photos too gold is cliche. Try comparing the pictures to something else of value.
Those old photos remind me of why I am here.
--- How ?! Explain.
Two years ago when my family and I moved to Dos Palos, CA, the only piece of my past that could console my nostalgic feelings was my acoustic guitar's sound of "Aires de Son" by Gerardo Tamez. I was now in the United States seeking the "American dream."
-- Two years ago when my family and I moved to Dos Palos, CA, seeking the "American Dream", the only piece of my past that could console my nostalgic feelings was the sound of my acoustic guitar playing "Aires de Son" by Gerardo Tamez.
Subsequently, we moved to Fresno, CA. This was the moment when everything became clear for me. Although the economy was dreadful at the time, my family and I located there for better opportunities.
--- Subsequently, we moved to Fresno, CA where everything become clear for me.
I don't think the second sentence is needed to justify your move, take it out.
On the contrary, I thank them for everything they have given to me.
- Explain what they have given you with your move to the United States.
This feeling of gratitude toward my parents and my younger brother, my best friend, is what has made me grow to be the man that I am now
- Explain who you are now.
When I stare at those embarrassing photos of myself as a kid that my mother treasures like gold, I just see how that boy has become a man.
-- I feel like the simile, comparing the photos too gold is cliche. Try comparing the pictures to something else of value.
Those old photos remind me of why I am here.
--- How ?! Explain.
Two years ago when my family and I moved to Dos Palos, CA, the only piece of my past that could console my nostalgic feelings was my acoustic guitar's sound of "Aires de Son" by Gerardo Tamez. I was now in the United States seeking the "American dream."
-- Two years ago when my family and I moved to Dos Palos, CA, seeking the "American Dream", the only piece of my past that could console my nostalgic feelings was the sound of my acoustic guitar playing "Aires de Son" by Gerardo Tamez.
Subsequently, we moved to Fresno, CA. This was the moment when everything became clear for me. Although the economy was dreadful at the time, my family and I located there for better opportunities.
--- Subsequently, we moved to Fresno, CA where everything become clear for me.
I don't think the second sentence is needed to justify your move, take it out.
On the contrary, I thank them for everything they have given to me.
- Explain what they have given you with your move to the United States.
This feeling of gratitude toward my parents and my younger brother, my best friend, is what has made me grow to be the man that I am now
- Explain who you are now.
nkhattri
Nov 22, 2009
Undergraduate / How my family's diversity has shaped me into a well-rounded person. [11]
1. Describe the world you come from - for example, your family, community or school - and tell us how your world has shaped your dreams and aspirations.*
I am a teenager who aspires to fulfill my dreams and aspirations. I plan to use the insight I have gained from my background to positively change the world.
As the first member of my family to become a citizen of the United States, I had a unique upbringing which influenced me to persevere and achieve my goals. My parents moved to America, their land of opportunity, to build a future for themselves and their children. Because they were from modest backgrounds in India and were raised in the poorest states, my parents initially struggled to succeed. To make matters more difficult, they were educated in local dialects and spoke very little English. Nevertheless, believing in their capacity to achieve and intent on success, both pursued higher education. I am truly inspired by how sheer determination and hard work have empowered them to excel in their professional environments. I am proud of my mother who has achieved significant successes without sacrificing her traditional roles as a wife and mother. As a teacher, she has been recognized nationally for her excellence in technology integration and has been promoted to an administrative position in her school district. My mother's story is a reflection of the potential our country has as the melting pot of the world, and it has taught me to embrace new experiences and people.
Growing up in Edison, New Jersey also epitomizes this ideal because I am surrounded by neighbors, fellow classmates, and teachers who have their own success stories.
My exposure to a diverse community and my family background have inspired in me the desire to positively change the world. Ultimately, my goal is to redress injustice in the world by contributing to the field of political science. To begin fulfilling my aspirations, I have been an activist for the rights of the elderly, children, and animals. I have also aligned myself with numerous organizations which aim to endorse change through direct assistance (should I give an example?). My admiration for the righteousness of our government has also been demonstrated through my interest in history and the legal system. Apart from the rigorous history courses that I have taken during high school, I participated in a ten day program that discussed civil and criminal law. Through lectures, simulations, and debates, I was able to grasp the key concepts of our justice system. Apart from academics and extra-curricular activities, I am motivated to effect positive changes in the world. My steps toward becoming a public servant have reinforced the significant roles that education and dedication have played in creating a well-rounded and informed student and citizen. I believe that my exposure to diversity has been a source of inspiration, has made me a more sensitive human being, and has prepared me for the rigors of a four year college education.
I'm new to this and I'd really appreciate the help, and I'll be sure to edit your work as well.
Thank you!
Naveena Khattri
1. Describe the world you come from - for example, your family, community or school - and tell us how your world has shaped your dreams and aspirations.*
I am a teenager who aspires to fulfill my dreams and aspirations. I plan to use the insight I have gained from my background to positively change the world.
As the first member of my family to become a citizen of the United States, I had a unique upbringing which influenced me to persevere and achieve my goals. My parents moved to America, their land of opportunity, to build a future for themselves and their children. Because they were from modest backgrounds in India and were raised in the poorest states, my parents initially struggled to succeed. To make matters more difficult, they were educated in local dialects and spoke very little English. Nevertheless, believing in their capacity to achieve and intent on success, both pursued higher education. I am truly inspired by how sheer determination and hard work have empowered them to excel in their professional environments. I am proud of my mother who has achieved significant successes without sacrificing her traditional roles as a wife and mother. As a teacher, she has been recognized nationally for her excellence in technology integration and has been promoted to an administrative position in her school district. My mother's story is a reflection of the potential our country has as the melting pot of the world, and it has taught me to embrace new experiences and people.
Growing up in Edison, New Jersey also epitomizes this ideal because I am surrounded by neighbors, fellow classmates, and teachers who have their own success stories.
My exposure to a diverse community and my family background have inspired in me the desire to positively change the world. Ultimately, my goal is to redress injustice in the world by contributing to the field of political science. To begin fulfilling my aspirations, I have been an activist for the rights of the elderly, children, and animals. I have also aligned myself with numerous organizations which aim to endorse change through direct assistance (should I give an example?). My admiration for the righteousness of our government has also been demonstrated through my interest in history and the legal system. Apart from the rigorous history courses that I have taken during high school, I participated in a ten day program that discussed civil and criminal law. Through lectures, simulations, and debates, I was able to grasp the key concepts of our justice system. Apart from academics and extra-curricular activities, I am motivated to effect positive changes in the world. My steps toward becoming a public servant have reinforced the significant roles that education and dedication have played in creating a well-rounded and informed student and citizen. I believe that my exposure to diversity has been a source of inspiration, has made me a more sensitive human being, and has prepared me for the rigors of a four year college education.
I'm new to this and I'd really appreciate the help, and I'll be sure to edit your work as well.
Thank you!
Naveena Khattri
