Undergraduate /
UC Prompt 2-Family Death [10]
I remember vividly that thick black casket being carried up to the front of the pulpit.
dont need that commaI remember feeling the hard smooth texture
,of it as I approached in fear.
I
could feelfelt shivers run down my hands and up my spine sending messages of fear into my mind.
Written past tenseAs I peered into that black box, it felt as if I was being sucked into a vortex of abyss-what could make a black box so fearful? As I peered over the crimson edges of the box, I saw what I least wanted to see-the body of my uncle.
Make this sentence more clear. Maybe separate it into three different sentences to make it more clear.A sad smile seemed to brush across his face
as I closed my eyes in fear .
repeating the concept of fear too muchIt was not a who, but a what-that ruthless disease which took the lives of thousands of coal miners during the Industrial Revolution
, took my uncle as well .
I like this sentence because it is the transition of what is your impact, but make it more clear.Maybe if you change it to:The cause of my uncle's death was not physically a person, but that ruthless disease that took the lives of thousands if coal miners during the Industrial Revolution.or something of that sort..It was that last expression that seemed to continually probe me
, whenever I thought of my uncle, I could only see that sad smile on his face.
Little did I know that his death would be a milestone in my life, an experience that has shaped my dreams and aspirations.
This sentence is good because again it is a transition, but try making it more clear.How did it become a milestone? What impact had this uncle had in your life when he was alive? Explain.I learned that he passed away from Lung Cancer, as he was a heavy
, chronic smoker.
I thought he died from a disease make more clear.I remember my family would visit the hospital on a monthly basis as he went through treatment for about a year and a half.I dont think you need this sentence, although the sentence ater that is good but make it more clear.I realized through my high school years, as I would go on medical mission trips to Mexico, that the true purpose of medicine is the purpose of life: to show the willingness to show compassion and the will to help others.
I love this sentence :)Although break the sentence up.I think you should expand on the your wish to go to trips in Mexico. Is it to help those less fortunate? Is it to give those people a chance that your Uncle did not have? I see were you are going but make it more personal. Ommit all useless information and delve into the experiences that delve with what you want to become.I realized then
, that the roots of medicine stems from human relationships
.T hat medicine, is
somewhat like another language
; conveying our affection for someone other than oneself.
Love this sentence. Superb. :)Maybe Change these two sentences to this:Sigmund Freud, a famous psychologist, once said that all human beings by nature are selfish beings,
but I realized that we can show compassion to others, fulfilling our roles life.
This discovery is what I take pride, which continues to fuel my dreams of medicine today and will continue to do so.My goal in life is to become a Pharmacist
, and eventually use my knowledge to help others around the world through a re-owned organization known as
compassion .
Love this sentence too.I think you are doing a fantastic job so far. Dont worry this topic really fits the prompt just make your declarations more clear. Dont be afraid to make your decalaration exajerated and personal cause remember colleges want to know the person you are and the your ability to show it. It can be stressfull to portray yourself when there are imposed limitiations, but just take it easy and let your statement flowDont worry you are doing a fine job.I also posted a personal statement just if you want to check it out. Thanks! 