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Posts by Janelle
Joined: Nov 28, 2009
Last Post: Jan 16, 2010
Threads: 3
Posts: 20  

From: United States

Displayed posts: 23
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Janelle   
Jan 16, 2010
Undergraduate / 'Lessons from my Latino heritage' - Cultural Difference-University of Washington [4]

Its a bit rough but its what I got :)
Constructive criticism please

Describe an experience of cultural difference, positive or negative, you have had or observed. What did you learn from it?

I attend a dominantly white school, so there is not a strong diverse group. But as a Latina mutt, I have been exposed to a colorful view of culture. I am surrounded by a milieu inhabited by Latino relatives that have given me the opportunity to experience my heritage by passing down family recipes to teaching me hidden tongues. However, being a Latina, house work tends to be more embraced for women. I have no problem with helping around my house but constantly cleaning and washing morphs from a duty to an onus, which interferes with my studies. Not many people at my school have to endure the chores that I must complete at home. How do I know this? Because for a while, people I knew would ask me why I looked so tired.

...
Janelle   
Nov 29, 2009
Undergraduate / my determination will help me strive in BU - common application supplement essay [4]

I like it, I am applying there too!!!

Anyways, the corrections I feel you should make are:
"my mind does crazy trying to find an answer and until I do, I won't feel satisfied"", I am pretty sure you ment "goes", silly mistake :)

Also, for formal writing DO NOT use CONTRACTIONS

take out "etc"

:)
Janelle   
Nov 29, 2009
Undergraduate / UC Prompt 2: My Undying Passion (sport) [6]

Revised...feedback is much appreciated!!! This essay now has 467 and my other essay has 690(Ludicrous: My Childhood) so ideas on how to shorten them would also help, thank you!!!
Janelle   
Nov 29, 2009
Undergraduate / Ludacris: My Childhood [8]

Thank You ralfsantacruz, I put the second & third paragraphs together, what do you think...
Everyone's feedback is welcomed. Oh, and it is now 690 words.
Janelle   
Nov 29, 2009
Undergraduate / "mexican struggle" - UC prompt [5]

No prob!!!

Yea, I do because you clearly state the milieu you came from. Maybe elaborate on how it shaped you dreams and aspirations.

I have two essays that you are more then welcomed to critique.

:)
Janelle   
Nov 29, 2009
Undergraduate / Mission trip in Cambodia - UC PROMPT 2 -Tell us about personal quailty [2]

Great Work, just a few corrections..

"before I took a mission trip in the other side of the Earth.." Perhaps replace the red word with "to"

Im not sure if you can tell in jampamz correction but dont take out the "S " in "years" --->"Since my team was grouped by a seven-years -old girl to a sixteen-years -old boy"

"the bread was vital source to live to the Cambodians " be consistent on how you speak. Pluralizw "live"

I like your essay but don't forget, What about this quality or accomplishment makes you proud and how does it relate to the person you are? Elaborate a bit

:)
Janelle   
Nov 29, 2009
Undergraduate / Ludacris: My Childhood [8]

Thank You!!!

& your talking about the UC app, right???

Forsure son!!!
Janelle   
Nov 29, 2009
Undergraduate / Ludacris: My Childhood [8]

Thanks for the feedback!!!

It helps ALOT!!!

:)
Janelle   
Nov 29, 2009
Undergraduate / "mexican struggle" - UC prompt [5]

Nice essay, but there are a few things you should revise...

"Seventeen years ago, I was the first one born to a Hispanic family of much turmoil ." I know you don't mean that you were the first person ever to be born into a Hispanic family, but that is what I am interpreting, so try adjusting that sentence.

Now, there is a leap from when you were born to when you were four. So, maybe you should get rid of the first sentence but if you would like to keep it, add detail so that it can flow.

"worked as a full time cashier while also attending school full time ." Try to find another denotation for "full time" so that its not repetitive.

"Many of times",take "of" out.

Read your essay out loud so you can hear your mistakes. Also, print it out so you can mark it up with ink.

Good Luck!!!
:)
Janelle   
Nov 29, 2009
Undergraduate / Ludacris: My Childhood [8]

Oh and are we supposed to title the essays???
Janelle   
Nov 29, 2009
Undergraduate / "stunts shown in Jackie Chan's movies" - My common application essay [8]

"Often, I would visualize myself fighting with criminals and being a super hero (heroine, actually.) ", just use heroine.

"After all, I was a ten year old kid and that man...", change to child.

"And that man,with a strong built , looked like the villain of a movie." Sounds awkward, rephrase

:)
Janelle   
Nov 29, 2009
Undergraduate / "playing the piano" - COMMON APP ESSAY: Elaborate on one of your activities [5]

I like it, its cute and simple...
What I would change:
"However, the most important lesson I learnt, although it may sound clichéd, is to first play with your head, then with your heart." I would take out what is in red because it doesn't seem necessary.

And if you don't want to sound cliche but want humor, add a paradox.
:)
Janelle   
Nov 29, 2009
Undergraduate / "I have to take care of many everyday jobs, anxiety" - help. prompts 1 and 2!! [4]

Prompt #1:
Elaborate more on your life, I don't feel like you have yet reached the pinnacle of your essay;It seems a bit like a grocery list, no offense.

Also, try to use another words besides "needy " because it becomes redundant. Other then that, job well done.

Prompt #2:
Be Consistent with the tense you are speaking in.
Try to avoid words like "so ."Ex. "I was frightened when he asked that of me because our team has always been so solid"

I see how track has "improved your attitude" and because of that, I am not sure how necessary the details of the "freshman girl" are. Try to focus a bit on yourself and your experience.

All together, you have a "solid" essay.

:)
Janelle   
Nov 29, 2009
Undergraduate / Ludacris: My Childhood [8]

Although I have revised it,anything you think I should add or edit would help!!!
Gracias

UC Prompt #1:

Describe the world you came from and tell us how your world has shaped your dream and aspirations.


For about ten years I lived in an apartment complex known as the Villa San Carlos. A grim neighborhood, the Villa San Carlos helped sculpt the person I am today. The Villa San Carlos has a sullied reputation and is associated with gang violence. The managers of the apartments were not involved with gangs but a majority of the residents were. The faded paint, graffiti on the walls, and constant yells from homes made it apparent that these were not the best apartments to live in.

As a little girl, the gang members my mother knew treated me as if I were a delicate flower; they were gentle and cared for me. However, when I did see another side of them, I was shocked; they were vicious, tough, and barbaric. Getting acquainted with the fellow gang members as a child, I never understood why a person would want to join a gang. But when I entered middle school, the idea of being a gang member became more enticing; being a gang member meant more than displaying myself as a tough person but staying connected with a group of people who supposedly would embrace each other when life got difficult to handle. When I entered the 7th grade; my interest in gangs increased. I never actually became a member of a gang, but I began to wear the colors and hang out with aspiring gangsters. People began to perceive me as a "mean" girl. I looked like one of those girls everyone feared because of the sour look on my face and my abrasive character; I spoke like a gangster, constantly swearing.

But as I entered high school, I began to think about what I wanted for myself. A close older cousin of mine helped me realize I had the potential to create a success of my life and these words of wisdom were brought upon one night when we were discussing our future. She had not paid attention in school and because of her lack of commitment she decided her future had already been set. She looked at me with watery eyes and said, "You are worth more than any one of these girls, don't be stupid and mess up your life." Those little words stuck with me; she made me reevaluate my life. I concluded that I did not want to turn into just another "Latina chola." I could not and would not fall into the stereotype of a Latina girl who would become another failure in society. I was determined to beat those odds and create a success of myself.

I was caught up in thinking about who I should feign to be in order to gain acceptance of my peers and neglected to think about what the right passage was for me. I realize I want to attend a university and surround myself with intellectuals who are going to positively affect society. I want to offer my ideas and share my experiences to help others who may be tempted to follow the bumpy path of what seems like an easy way out.

Growing up in the Villa San Carlos, I witnessed people get sucked into a whirlpool of problems because they were affiliated with gangs. The gang members either became addicted to drugs or were shot, and I refused to let that disastrous mess become my life because not many people I know were successful in withdrawing from a gang. I want to offer the world my mind and soul, and I will not waste my life by becoming a gang member.

Enduring any obstacle thrown my way, I am an individual who will fight for what I want. Although the Villa San Carlos helped shape the person I am today, I am glad my mother changed our residency because I feel the longer I would have stayed, the more vehement my desire would have been to become a gang member. I know who I am, and I have not need to follow anyone. I am accomplishing goals I have set for myself and becoming the young woman I always knew was deep down inside of me.
Janelle   
Nov 29, 2009
Undergraduate / UC Prompt 2: My Undying Passion (sport) [6]

Thank you!!! I notices I needed another word other than "passion" because it becomes redundant.
Your feedback is SUPER DE DUPEDER APPRECIATED!!!
Janelle   
Nov 29, 2009
Undergraduate / UC Prompt # 1: World of transitions [8]

Why are you combining the number of words in both essays? The word count is 1000 for each essay

This is what I got from Prompt #1; Moving to New Zealand made you want to explore your knowledge else where to get more experiences and it helps you grow, am I right???

Also, it is not necessary for you to incorporate your interest in Chemistry if that is not one of the dreams or aspirations you are putting emphasis on.

Prompt #2:
A-freakin'-mazing!!! Bravo!!! You have done a stupendous job on this essay!!! What I get is that your experience from the philipines has made you more aware of poverty which makes you want to be more involved. But, how does it relate to you? Why?

Good Luck!!!
Janelle   
Nov 29, 2009
Undergraduate / UC 2: Being a Judoka [4]

I like it alot!!!

A couple things...

"Mother would come by and say gently ..." I believe you should put a "My" in front of "Mother."

Your last couple of sentences are well written, and assuming that the paragraph before it is your conclusion, maybe you should place those sentences there.

Good Job on your essay!!!
Janelle   
Nov 29, 2009
Undergraduate / 'what consumers should purchase' Stanford: Idea/Experience Intellectually Engaging [7]

When you ask questions in your paper, be sure to answer them. So maybe you shouldn't state something that you can not fully answer; ex. "But, why is it something that is strived for so much? Although I have never yet been able to answer these questions fully ."

I am just a bit confused where you are going with this essay because it is supposed to be about an Idea/Experience That You Find Intellectually Engaging. In your conclusion you should probably state why it is "Intellectually Engaging."

Its not bad though, with some editing you will have a fine paper!!!

:)
Janelle   
Nov 29, 2009
Undergraduate / UC Prompt 2: My Undying Passion (sport) [6]

UC Prompt #2:
Tell us about a personal quality, talent, accomplishment, contribution or experience that is important to you. What about this quality or accomplishment makes you proud, and how does it relate to the person you are.


This is just a rough draft, I know there is a lot of things I must work on. Constructive criticism please :). I realize that I use the word "upset" a lot but I haven't been able to find a good synonym for it, help with that would also be greatly appreciated.

With sports, I have been told that I am an ardor player; however, sometimes I let my temper get the better half of me. It was just her and I, we were the last people on the court, and both of our teams were diligently starring at our rally. The other team cheered, I was losing. We were closing in on our first set; she won 6-4, what a disappointment. Of course I was upset that I lost the first set, but I was more upset at my playing level. Everyone watching knew I was capable of being a lot more accurate.

I am on the Girls Varsity Tennis Team at my school, which I have been playing on for three years. There were about twenty girls on my team, and I was in the top five. We had a game versus our rival school, Harbor High, and I was playing number three-singles.

I get easily angry with myself, especially when I am not using my strengths to my fullest potential and because I have such a powerful love for the game, I get even more upset when my format is incorrect. She served and I thought I was ready, the easy ball came towards me and I hit deep, too deep. I kept on thinking "what is wrong with me." The angrier I got, the more points she scored.

I realized that my getting angry was not going to increase my points, if anything, it was helping my opponent defeat me. As I walked over to my side of the court, I figured out that my opponent was a soft hitter and I had a lot more strength and stamina then she did. If I took control of where I placed the ball I could pull through the match and win. I won the second match 6-3, then the third 6-4. I was filled with joy, I knew I could win, I just had to let my love for the game sink in and calm me down.

Displaying frustration is not going to help me succeed, but my eagerness to win will. If I have a vehement desire, all I have to do is put my head on straight and go for it. When I love something, I have a strong aspiration for it. With tennis, I have such a great zeal that I get what I call a "tennis rush." I love to play and I always want to figure out ways to be better. If I whine about losing, it is not going to contribute to my progression as a tennis player. As much as I idolize Serena Williams, I do not want to look like a fool over lost points. I win some and I lose some, all I can do is practice.