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Posts by yang
Joined: Nov 29, 2009		 Last Post: Feb 25, 2014
Threads: 2
Posts: 313  

From: United States of America

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yang   
Dec 26, 2009
Undergraduate / Drawing and painting - MIT pleasure essay [9]

Sorry, i have NO IDEA what you meant in this essay. Maybe because I lack artistic knowledge...still have to work on that haha

It's very well written, but I can't really give my humble opinion until I understand what it's about :D
yang   
Dec 26, 2009
Essays / Is it better if I gear my essay explicitly towards why I wanted to study engineering? [8]

I would not have the heart to deny admission to someone who had a clear plan that she was determined to follow

I wouldn't go this far, they deny plenty of clear minded students and don't feel bad about it at all haha. but you are DEFINITELY right in that admins prefer students with clear plans (and realistic) about their future.
yang   
Dec 26, 2009
Undergraduate / 2 short essays: Why Chicago & My favourite film. [6]

I still didn't talk about the "major" because I wanted to focus on the school's style.

yea, no need to talk about major. I didn't and i still got in :D

i think your y chicago essay covers your mentality, but the first and second paragraph doesn't link explicitly until the last sentence (pretty clever :D). Not that they need to link, it would be better in my humble opinion.

Good luck!
yang   
Dec 26, 2009
Undergraduate / My family, The world I come from. MIT essay. [17]

sorry for the late response

How do you say when you live outside the capital city?

rural? like countryside vs urban?

I would say the main point is the view to dream big

then, write your essay around it! instead of starting with the idea of how poor your country is, you could emphasize on the plight of your family and make it truly personal, then talk about how you got these dreams as a child, and how these dreams evolved as you grew and did all this stuff.
yang   
Dec 20, 2009
Undergraduate / My family, The world I come from. MIT essay. [17]

is

it's

why I couldn't get the new Barbie in the market

why I couldn't get the latest Barbie doll (that saves you a couple of words!)

to reuse the last year sport shoes.

to reuse last year's sport shoes (what! you change your shoes every year? How is that poor? I suggest you come up with a better example of poverty lol)

in the interior

not sure what you mean

When standing on the stage, praising the seventh place we had gotten

Standing on the stage, being praised for the seventh place my team got, I...

"the size of our dreams is the size of our achievements".

this quote is awkward...you simply repeat what you wrote before. So I'd take the sentence "I am here because I dreamt high", or this one.

Now, I dream the biggest

now, I dream being the greatest? what you have here doesn't make sense.

I dream about the highest education, come back to my country and contribute somehow to make it a better place.

I suggest you take out the dream biggest part and simply put this:
Now, I dream about getting the highest education so that I could come back to my country and contribute (somehow? Say HOW!!! with my future math knowledge?) to make it a better place.

Overall, it's a completely different essay, and I do praise you for your persistence.

However, the theme of your new essay is unclear.
you first talk about poverty, then how hard work = compensation, then how you are influence by this philosophy and went all out for math, and finally, how you should dream big. Although it answers the prompt, I feel that it needs better connections between ideas.

Find your main point. Whether it's your dad's philosophy of hard work, or your view to dream big, you need to write the rest of your essay according to it. it just needs a few minor structural changes.
yang   
Dec 20, 2009
Undergraduate / Common App personal essay option#1-My Greatest Personal Failure--Feedback [18]

the kind of further condensation that I would suggest:

The achievement made me a sort of a hero at school. Everybody in school recognized me and my seniors gave me important roles in the school student committees on sports and literary activities.

The achievement sort of made me a hero at school and my seniors gave me important roles... (If you are the hero, it's implied that everyone recognized you. Get what I mean?)

The Principal, Ms. Y liked him much that she treated him as her own son. She would take him out to dinner once in a while and help him with his studies. She once declared that X was the best leader and person ever to study at our school.

you spend 3 sentences discussing about someone else...you could simply say that the previous SPL was a legend and loved by the principle without getting in the details. Remember, the essay is about you.

There lay my problem too

you don't need "too"

This brought me into Ms. Y's bad books

I still don't understand. If you are in your principle's bad books in 8th grade, how did you become SPL in 10th grade? there are some time conflicts here...

But Ms. Y was never impressed with me.

did that happen in 8th or 10th grade?
before or after SPL?

During my journey I introspected

misuse of introspected...introspected myself? or simply "reflected"?

That I wanted only to impress Ms. Y was an indication of my immaturity

The fact that

I need to take decisions

I need to make decisions, (i think that's what you mean right?)

again, although much better than last time, it's still very long...I think it's because you cut sentences which could be merged to read smoother. For example:

I sought the advice of some of my classmates. Unfortunately, these students wanted to use my

I sought the advice of some of my classmates, who, unfortunately, wanted (this way, you save repeating "these students)

The school had a warden who would always pick on me and demean me in front of teachers. I did not give him much notice and went on as usual. This particular person

The school had a warden who would...teachers, but I didn't give him much notice until he became hated by my group. (this saves you "went on as usual" (which is very awkward) and "this particular person))

Try to condense your sentences to avoid repetitions of subjects, which in the long run REALLY distract the reader.

Finally, I just want to reemphasize that I am really confused by your timeline.
yang   
Dec 19, 2009
Undergraduate / Common App personal essay option#1-My Greatest Personal Failure--Feedback [18]

In the 9th standard

9th grade?

quiz competition

math?

Since I was part of these committees,

Since then, I was part of these (which? specify!) committees.

Therein

There is perfectly fine

7th grade. And yet,

, and yet. Or . Yet

In the 8th grade

no need for the

(i'm confused, you were made SPL of the school in tenth grade, so why are you going back in time?)

because, by then, I had also become what they already were-Egoistic

mmm... not sure you would put this in. you said already that you were very involved with the stupid things your group were doing, so why emphasize that you're egoistic?

----
overall, the essay reads...very very long. I suggest that you put more paragraphs and that you CUT unnecessary details.

Like

Even though getting the nod of the Principal was important, I should have realized that it was not my most important thing.

you already (and will later) talk about how leadership isn't about 1 person or 1 idea, so no need for this.

And combine your sentences. instead of saying

Leadership is not about getting recognition. Recognition comes as a by-product when the job is done properly

you could've said Leadership is not about getting recognition, which is simply a by-product (not sure if that's what you call it) when the job is done properly.

Also, don't capitalize your leadership and principles. Unless they are personifications/specific titles (I don't think principle fall into that category, better check) you don't capitalize them.

anyway, definitely come up with a shorter and less dense essay. It's...tedious to read since you repeat a lot.
yang   
Dec 19, 2009
Undergraduate / 'Hardware issues' - MIT Creativity Essay (a time you used your creativity) [5]

I received their enthusiastic support as well as a desktop computer to experiment with.

it sounds awkward, although there's nothing wrong syntax-wise with this sentence. It's just that juxtaposing support with computer...seems awkward, maybe it's just me tho.

your focus seemed to be more on the update and the explaining more than on the creation of the software. I'm not sure if that's what you want...isn't the creation the actual creativity part?

But this essay is indeed strong as it is. It conveys your particular way of thinking.
yang   
Dec 19, 2009
Undergraduate / My family, The world I come from. MIT essay. [17]

Mathematics

capitalize a subject only when it's a specific class, like Math 101. In this case, i believe it should be minuscule 'm'

Math

same with all your other math's

Is the word count a big deal? :S

yes, you might wanna shorten it to less than 250, it shows that you know how to confine yourself and follow instructions

overall, it's creative, but you don't really answer the prompt. It asks for how your world had shaped your aspiration and dreams, but you only vaguely mention that. You talked about the country part, yet what is the problem? If there are a lot of people with capacity, then why are you needed?

There's only 2 things i got out of your essay: you like math (and did a lot of things concerning it), and your country seemed underdeveloped.

Although these are very good points, I think you ought to give more details about yourself, and talk further about your country and how you will contribute will add more information about you.

For the word limit, i think you ought to take away anything that deviates from your main point.

Knock knock...

if the door is closed, then how do you know it's the mailman?
I don't think you need the whole mailman thing as a start, directly say "it was a small city" seems more powerful and to the point.

you should rework the last sentence. I don't think that you should put MIT as the start of your dream, since you'd probably do fine anywhere and achieve your dream in any college. Rather, i think you should come up with a sentence that echoes with the whole "it was a small city" idea. Something like "a big dream". but talk about your dream!!!
yang   
Dec 19, 2009
Undergraduate / I have taken many journeys devoid ; Carnegie Mellon- Why?/ Major [8]

other children played with their Barbie doll and play stations

do you really play play stations at age 5 or 6?
and this either sounds bitter, or sound like you're superior in a sense. E.g: I'm studying my butt of for this exam, while my classmates were having a party...that makes you sound better than everyone else, even tho you were only what? 5?

o yea, also put your age or something similar, how early exactly?

avoid you's

As someone That is

who is. actually, simply "as someone interested"

Carnegie

lol sat grammar error. you said as someone, which is followed by "I", or the "someone", not the school, be careful of these grammar rules

As a student who believes in mixing different areas of education ,Carnegie

same thing here

nationally top ranked

ranked top nationally
and be more specific, no offense, but despite your use of "virtually", CM is NOT ranked nationally in almost anything, except perhaps computer science. Business undergraduate is Upenn, econ is UChicago, and so on...you should be at least accurate in this type of assertions

every one of their students is able to leave a lasting impression on the world.

really? then how come some of them still fail?

t is hard not to think that Carnegie Mellon is my ideal university choice.

saying this makes you sound like you've convinced the reader...which is a pretentious statement. It's like saying at the end of a research paper: see, it's pretty obvious that my thesis is right...

I'd suggest you reworking the why carnegie mellon programs part. You mention...nothing specific about the school, except some famous people. For an essay like this, you need to say: this program interests me because, not CM is good in every way. And it has to be beyond ranking. admins know their rank, no need for you to remind them. Altho many apply for the ranks, nobody is accepted because they said that it's pretty much the main reason they applied. Come up with something that has to do with your own life.

You mentioned african heritage, so why not talk about the diversity at carnegie mellon? that'll sound MUCH better than the high ranks.
You mentioned academics, so why not talk about the core at CM? talk about how their core pushes the students really hard and stuff (you'd actually have to search for the core tho)

anyway, good luck, and please avoid using generic/semi-false statements.
yang   
Dec 18, 2009
Undergraduate / Cornell Engineering Essay--My City [14]

I mean you want to study engineeering to solve your community's problem. THEN WHAT?

Correct me if I'm wrong, but i think that this question doesn't ask for your aspiration, simply an idea or an interest. Therefore, talking about the future, unless you really want to, is unecessary.

i'm applying to cornell 2 :D it's one of the easier ivies to get in i heard...so what major are you going for, Satya? engineering?

btw, is that how long your real name is? that must be a pain to bubble standard testing sheets right?
yang   
Dec 18, 2009
Undergraduate / 'Hardware issues' - MIT Creativity Essay (a time you used your creativity) [5]

process, I set out to change it. I decided to set up a computer server to automate the process.

process. I decided to change it by setting up a computer...

overall, really good essay. I had a big trouble with this topic (guess that's why i'm deferred lol), but you seem to have captured the point. Well done, i think they'll enjoy it :D
yang   
Dec 18, 2009
Undergraduate / Cornell Engineering Essay--My City [14]

Cornell's School Engineering has a highly flexible Engineering program

where do you show that the program is flexible? examples?

To get people to stop releasing the house waste into this network of streams would be a herculean task.

so do you want to fix the system, or the people?

It will take a lot of planning and time to execute this task.

you already mentioned this...don't sound too discouraged, that dampens your essay

If I intend to find solutions to all these problems, I must have knowledge of the environment,town planning and biology.

you're not very confident...
be more down the line of I want to solve this prob because... and Cornell will help me in achieving tehm because (and talk about the prog(s) you like)

I need to have studied more than one field

what fields?

overall, your tone is very...hesitant. you use a lot of "if" which makes you sound not determined.
Instead, say what you want to do, and why, and how Cornell will help you achieve. GO on their website and find specific programs. You've gotta say WHY CORNELL, not why engineering.
yang   
Dec 16, 2009
Undergraduate / Challenge in my life- short paragraphs [4]

i think it would be more personal...i think...not sure about anything right now, especially concerning a MIT prompt :(
yang   
Dec 16, 2009
Undergraduate / "inferiority complex" - MIT most significant challenge essay [8]

avoid you's, it challenges the reader

I'm not sure that your essay answers the prompt. it wants to know who YOU are, not your brother. You seemed to have interpreted the prompt as an experience, but it's challenge. Where's your challenge in this, and what did you do to solve it?
yang   
Dec 16, 2009
Undergraduate / Challenge in my life- short paragraphs [4]

for MIT?

your essay needs to be in past tense. so I cringed, she chose...

I have always been known as the quiet girl throughout my school years, that is, until my junior year of high school.

i would use ellipses. my school years...until my junior year
also, do you really need thruout my school years? i mean, it's all your life right?

Beginning in elementary school I started hearing the infamous statement in my life

awkward order
I began to hear the infamous statement when I was still in elementary school , or just in elementary school

avoid you's

your 2nd paragraph in which you described your problem isn't very touching...it's flat and filled with facts, which isn't bad, but it feels empty. The reader cannot sympathize with you if you depict your problem with a boring tone.

one of the reasons: you spend 4 sentences before FINALLY getting to the problem: it was affecting your grades. I mean, if this is a problem, then SAY it's a problem. Don't go about saying how it wasn't a problem in the beginning, and how you were making friends just fine...what's your point? Is this something you struggled with or not?

Notice that although this is an internal problem, we get 0 times your psychology. How did you react? was it only grades? i mean, you have to FEEL it first before it gets to the grades right?

I also began to introduce myself to new people instead of being a wallflower

so this is your solution? that's IT?

look, the prompt asks for a challenge and how you overcame it. THe only part you actually answered it is 1 sentence: introduce myself to new people...with such an easy question, I begin to wonder whether the problem existed in the first place...

yea, answer the prompt
yang   
Dec 15, 2009
Student Talk / Sending SAT subject tests - I do not wish to let the college to see the score [17]

you should send ALL of them despite the score choice thing

If you're using commonapp, you kinda have to put all your test days and stuff anyway. Plus, some colleges "strongly recommend" that you send all of your scores. idk the UC statement, you should read it.

Send them in. nothing can go wrong

true, unless you bombed them.
yang   
Dec 15, 2009
Undergraduate / 'I successfully founded an electronics club' - MIT creativity essay [4]

When I was in boarding school my interests in Science grew further.

My interest in sciences (which ones? chem? physics?) when I was in boarding school.
try to make this first sentence a bit more "creative"? we'll see...

There I encountered one of the best physics teachers, Mr. Raghavan.

I encountered one of the best physics teachers I have known (i'm sure that your statements will make the MIT rep grin lol) there, Mr. Raghavan

...

there r some mistakes, but understandable coming from a person in India.
I'm not really a big editing fan, so I'll just comment on the ideas.

though when I designed it on paper it was very aerodynamic, but when it came to reality it was not that good looking.

it seems that this sentence describes the problem. Is that all? not good looking? I'm pretty sure that you also wanted to talk about the shape of the solar cells, so do it here!

1 HUGE and 1 minor problems.

How does your essay answer the prompt? It asks for something creative, but it seems that you got all your info either from your physics teacher, or from the World Solar Challenge...which shows your abilities to research and stuff, but not creative.

This is creativity: you have a problem, you try to find ways to solve it, and DING! you've got it! Use a clever way to solve the problem

But it has to be YOU, not your physics teacher. Try to take credit of the project.

the minor problem. As you mentioned, there's a world solar challenge, which means that the project you're doing isn't very original, which kinda defeat the purpose. Also, I've seen many writings on the SAME project. I personally wrote a statement about solar panels and this project (not car) i did on it. Therefore, either come up with something REVOLUTIONARY, or give up the topic...it's too common.
yang   
Dec 15, 2009
Undergraduate / My family: Truly Utopian: MIT background essay [11]

I created ones for my own as per my interest

again, what's as per?

you still only covers facts, which isn't bad, but isn't particularly interesting neither. And you do need a very interesting topic for MIT.
yang   
Dec 15, 2009
Undergraduate / A sigificant experience - hoping that my stutter would disappear [5]

Ahh, they have no such minimum requirement for SAT scores

actually, they do...if tho they don't say it blatantly

it all depends on your overall app. Smit is right in that essays are an essential, part, but still not as quite as scores and GPA.

Here's the level of importance:
Classes,
Grades,
Scores,
Essays.

This being said, when all the three previous components are outstanding, which is pretty much 90% of ivy applicants (i sure hope), the essays become PIVOTAL in the decision process.

But that's at condition that the previous three are good. They pretty much go: is this student special in any way? (race? difficulties? (handicap, first year...), if not, then go: is this student qualified score-wise? (they put their mid-50% in Collegeboard.com), if so, then they won't go back to your scores.

I wouldn't simply say that you don't have a chance, since you do have a hook with your difficulty. However, it'll be hard...

UChicago

lol i get back my EA response today... in 2 hours...

but I really can't tell for sure, I know that they like creativity and uniqueness, so you might have a shot...but 1900...don't wanna discourage you, but it'll be hard. Did you take ACT? You might do much better on that.
yang   
Dec 15, 2009
Undergraduate / My family: Truly Utopian: MIT background essay [11]

you

I'd avoid using you's, as a general rule. Makes your essay sound informal

my best physics teacher

not sure what you mean by best. Favorite maybe?

but I created ones for my own as per my interest and if conditions would not allow it to grow I would continue to endeavor of exploring my interest on my own.

It's very awkward wording and although I get your idea, I would formulate in a different way, simply because saying that if you fail, then you'll still pursue that interest doesn't sound as nicely as simply say that you've contributed a lot to your clubs

but I created ones that nourished my interests; not only did I spend time and energy on these clubs, I also grew my passions alongside.

... still sounds pretty weird...but i think you get what i mean

My father always used to tell me that in a dense jungle one has to find a path or make one!

this sentence is pretty awkward and doesn't provide the necessary transition for your immigration to US

I am secretary of e-club and also technical assistant for website club.

that's ALL your interests? or did you just want to underline your special contributions...then put, I was particularly engrossed in a few clubs and became blabla

Do not look at the person who owns a BMW and feel down. Always look at the person riding a bike and feel blessed

this is the typical money doesn't buy happiness, so do not covet lesson. Is that what you want to convey?

opportunity in adversity.

your adversity seems to be a lack of resources, not necessarily monetary, so I wouldn't use the BMW quote.

overall, good essay. does answer the prompt and convey your unique background. However, could be made more emotional and "touch" the reader.
yang   
Dec 15, 2009
Undergraduate / A sigificant experience - hoping that my stutter would disappear [5]

I understood that I became great

hopefully doesn't end here...so make it "am becoming" or use another verb

Though I referred to myself as a loser, subconsciously I said to myself: "Tomorrow I will try a new method against stutter".

Isn't the subconscious part a bit late? You should've put this right after you talked about the loser part in the body, not in the conclusion. The reader should learn nothing new in the conclusion, especially not in the last sentence. I get that it's a summary of your story...try coming up with a better end.

I persevered or something

how is this awkward? I personally really enjoyed your story, and think that this is actually a "hook" instead of a weakness. Things like race (altho they won't ever admit it), handicap (not sure what to call what you have, but stutter is proven to be a handicap)...if used in the right way, which you do, can be great boosters

EDIT: Where are you applying to? If it's an ivy lvl school, then what I say apply since they like uniqueness and people who overcome their predicaments...state schools, not sure.

well done. I'd just get it checked by an english teacher before submitting it.
yang   
Dec 15, 2009
Undergraduate / Stanford Essay : Stars live and they die. [10]

absolutely no offense intended, but if you can't get in talking about the stars, then you prob can't get in at all! It's very unique, good job for coming up with the idea.
yang   
Dec 15, 2009
Undergraduate / My family: Truly Utopian: MIT background essay [11]

highlight what you want, then click quote (make sure it's the person who quoted) and you'll have some source code popping up below. And you can play with that as well, i'm sure you'll figure it out quickly

btw, love your new format, will read it tomorrow. i meant later today.
yang   
Dec 14, 2009
Undergraduate / Stanford Essay : Stars live and they die. [10]

Stanford students are widely known to possess a sense of intellectual vitality. Tell us about an experience or an idea that you have had that you find intellectually engaging.

O, that makes a lot more sense

in this case, your essay might work just fine :D, altho i still don't get the change part.

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