Undergraduate / A sigificant experience - hoping that my stutter would disappear [5]


actually, they do...if tho they don't say it blatantly

it all depends on your overall app. Smit is right in that essays are an essential, part, but still not as quite as scores and GPA.

Here's the level of importance:
Classes,
Grades,
Scores,
Essays.

This being said, when all the three previous components are outstanding, which is pretty much 90% of ivy applicants (i sure hope), the essays become PIVOTAL in the decision process.

But that's at condition that the previous three are good. They pretty much go: is this student special in any way? (race? difficulties? (handicap, first year...), if not, then go: is this student qualified score-wise? (they put their mid-50% in Collegeboard.com), if so, then they won't go back to your scores.

I wouldn't simply say that you don't have a chance, since you do have a hook with your difficulty. However, it'll be hard...


lol i get back my EA response today... in 2 hours...

but I really can't tell for sure, I know that they like creativity and uniqueness, so you might have a shot...but 1900...don't wanna discourage you, but it'll be hard. Did you take ACT? You might do much better on that.

Undergraduate / Studying in Poland and being caught by the emigration to the U.S.A. University of Chicago essay. [7]

lol haven't heard from u since you emailed me your essay. So how's the app going?

Undergraduate / My family: Truly Utopian: MIT background essay [11]


again, what's as per?

you still only covers facts, which isn't bad, but isn't particularly interesting neither. And you do need a very interesting topic for MIT.

Undergraduate / 'I successfully founded an electronics club' - MIT creativity essay [4]


My interest in sciences (which ones? chem? physics?) when I was in boarding school.
try to make this first sentence a bit more "creative"? we'll see...


I encountered one of the best physics teachers I have known (i'm sure that your statements will make the MIT rep grin lol) there, Mr. Raghavan

...

there r some mistakes, but understandable coming from a person in India.
I'm not really a big editing fan, so I'll just comment on the ideas.


it seems that this sentence describes the problem. Is that all? not good looking? I'm pretty sure that you also wanted to talk about the shape of the solar cells, so do it here!

1 HUGE and 1 minor problems.

How does your essay answer the prompt? It asks for something creative, but it seems that you got all your info either from your physics teacher, or from the World Solar Challenge...which shows your abilities to research and stuff, but not creative.

This is creativity: you have a problem, you try to find ways to solve it, and DING! you've got it! Use a clever way to solve the problem

But it has to be YOU, not your physics teacher. Try to take credit of the project.

the minor problem. As you mentioned, there's a world solar challenge, which means that the project you're doing isn't very original, which kinda defeat the purpose. Also, I've seen many writings on the SAME project. I personally wrote a statement about solar panels and this project (not car) i did on it. Therefore, either come up with something REVOLUTIONARY, or give up the topic...it's too common.

Student Talk / Sending SAT subject tests - I do not wish to let the college to see the score [17]

you should send ALL of them despite the score choice thing

If you're using commonapp, you kinda have to put all your test days and stuff anyway. Plus, some colleges "strongly recommend" that you send all of your scores. idk the UC statement, you should read it.


true, unless you bombed them.

Grammar, Usage / A Question about "Voice" - inspired by some helpful feedback from Mayada [25]

melissa, i completely agree with you :D altho...it's so hard to write an essay like that...

Undergraduate / Challenge in my life- short paragraphs [4]

for MIT?

your essay needs to be in past tense. so I cringed, she chose...


i would use ellipses. my school years...until my junior year
also, do you really need thruout my school years? i mean, it's all your life right?


awkward order
I began to hear the infamous statement when I was still in elementary school , or just in elementary school

avoid you's

your 2nd paragraph in which you described your problem isn't very touching...it's flat and filled with facts, which isn't bad, but it feels empty. The reader cannot sympathize with you if you depict your problem with a boring tone.

one of the reasons: you spend 4 sentences before FINALLY getting to the problem: it was affecting your grades. I mean, if this is a problem, then SAY it's a problem. Don't go about saying how it wasn't a problem in the beginning, and how you were making friends just fine...what's your point? Is this something you struggled with or not?

Notice that although this is an internal problem, we get 0 times your psychology. How did you react? was it only grades? i mean, you have to FEEL it first before it gets to the grades right?


so this is your solution? that's IT?

look, the prompt asks for a challenge and how you overcame it. THe only part you actually answered it is 1 sentence: introduce myself to new people...with such an easy question, I begin to wonder whether the problem existed in the first place...

yea, answer the prompt

Undergraduate / "inferiority complex" - MIT most significant challenge essay [8]

avoid you's, it challenges the reader

I'm not sure that your essay answers the prompt. it wants to know who YOU are, not your brother. You seemed to have interpreted the prompt as an experience, but it's challenge. Where's your challenge in this, and what did you do to solve it?

Undergraduate / Challenge in my life- short paragraphs [4]

i think it would be more personal...i think...not sure about anything right now, especially concerning a MIT prompt :(

Student Talk / Sending SAT subject tests - I do not wish to let the college to see the score [17]

yea, that'll save you money lol

Student Talk / Sending SAT subject tests - I do not wish to let the college to see the score [17]

that 2, and u'd have to pay 27 bux for extra fast shipping lol.

Student Talk / Sending SAT subject tests - I do not wish to let the college to see the score [17]


yea, that + 2 weeks = you're LATE!!! well some schools have jan. 15th deadline, lucky if that's your case!

Student Talk / Sending SAT subject tests - I do not wish to let the college to see the score [17]

yup to be honest, you should've done it like 1 month ago, but o well...enough with this score talk lol

Undergraduate / Cornell Engineering Essay--My City [14]


where do you show that the program is flexible? examples?


so do you want to fix the system, or the people?


you already mentioned this...don't sound too discouraged, that dampens your essay


you're not very confident...
be more down the line of I want to solve this prob because... and Cornell will help me in achieving tehm because (and talk about the prog(s) you like)


what fields?

overall, your tone is very...hesitant. you use a lot of "if" which makes you sound not determined.
Instead, say what you want to do, and why, and how Cornell will help you achieve. GO on their website and find specific programs. You've gotta say WHY CORNELL, not why engineering.

Undergraduate / 'Hardware issues' - MIT Creativity Essay (a time you used your creativity) [5]


process. I decided to change it by setting up a computer...

overall, really good essay. I had a big trouble with this topic (guess that's why i'm deferred lol), but you seem to have captured the point. Well done, i think they'll enjoy it :D

Undergraduate / Cornell Engineering Essay--My City [14]


Correct me if I'm wrong, but i think that this question doesn't ask for your aspiration, simply an idea or an interest. Therefore, talking about the future, unless you really want to, is unecessary.

i'm applying to cornell 2 :D it's one of the easier ivies to get in i heard...so what major are you going for, Satya? engineering?

btw, is that how long your real name is? that must be a pain to bubble standard testing sheets right?

Writing Feedback / Essay about the best advise and given - feedback [6]

lol well good luck

Undergraduate / 'Hardware issues' - MIT Creativity Essay (a time you used your creativity) [5]


i think dash will be better

Undergraduate / I have taken many journeys devoid ; Carnegie Mellon- Why?/ Major [8]


do you really play play stations at age 5 or 6?
and this either sounds bitter, or sound like you're superior in a sense. E.g: I'm studying my butt of for this exam, while my classmates were having a party...that makes you sound better than everyone else, even tho you were only what? 5?

o yea, also put your age or something similar, how early exactly?

avoid you's


who is. actually, simply "as someone interested"


lol sat grammar error. you said as someone, which is followed by "I", or the "someone", not the school, be careful of these grammar rules


same thing here


ranked top nationally
and be more specific, no offense, but despite your use of "virtually", CM is NOT ranked nationally in almost anything, except perhaps computer science. Business undergraduate is Upenn, econ is UChicago, and so on...you should be at least accurate in this type of assertions


really? then how come some of them still fail?


saying this makes you sound like you've convinced the reader...which is a pretentious statement. It's like saying at the end of a research paper: see, it's pretty obvious that my thesis is right...

I'd suggest you reworking the why carnegie mellon programs part. You mention...nothing specific about the school, except some famous people. For an essay like this, you need to say: this program interests me because, not CM is good in every way. And it has to be beyond ranking. admins know their rank, no need for you to remind them. Altho many apply for the ranks, nobody is accepted because they said that it's pretty much the main reason they applied. Come up with something that has to do with your own life.

You mentioned african heritage, so why not talk about the diversity at carnegie mellon? that'll sound MUCH better than the high ranks.
You mentioned academics, so why not talk about the core at CM? talk about how their core pushes the students really hard and stuff (you'd actually have to search for the core tho)

anyway, good luck, and please avoid using generic/semi-false statements.

Undergraduate / My family, The world I come from. MIT essay. [17]


capitalize a subject only when it's a specific class, like Math 101. In this case, i believe it should be minuscule 'm'


same with all your other math's


yes, you might wanna shorten it to less than 250, it shows that you know how to confine yourself and follow instructions

overall, it's creative, but you don't really answer the prompt. It asks for how your world had shaped your aspiration and dreams, but you only vaguely mention that. You talked about the country part, yet what is the problem? If there are a lot of people with capacity, then why are you needed?

There's only 2 things i got out of your essay: you like math (and did a lot of things concerning it), and your country seemed underdeveloped.

Although these are very good points, I think you ought to give more details about yourself, and talk further about your country and how you will contribute will add more information about you.

For the word limit, i think you ought to take away anything that deviates from your main point.


if the door is closed, then how do you know it's the mailman?
I don't think you need the whole mailman thing as a start, directly say "it was a small city" seems more powerful and to the point.

you should rework the last sentence. I don't think that you should put MIT as the start of your dream, since you'd probably do fine anywhere and achieve your dream in any college. Rather, i think you should come up with a sentence that echoes with the whole "it was a small city" idea. Something like "a big dream". but talk about your dream!!!

Undergraduate / 'Hardware issues' - MIT Creativity Essay (a time you used your creativity) [5]


it sounds awkward, although there's nothing wrong syntax-wise with this sentence. It's just that juxtaposing support with computer...seems awkward, maybe it's just me tho.

your focus seemed to be more on the update and the explaining more than on the creation of the software. I'm not sure if that's what you want...isn't the creation the actual creativity part?

But this essay is indeed strong as it is. It conveys your particular way of thinking.

Undergraduate / Common App personal essay option#1-My Greatest Personal Failure--Feedback [18]


9th grade?


math?


Since then, I was part of these (which? specify!) committees.


There is perfectly fine


, and yet. Or . Yet


no need for the

(i'm confused, you were made SPL of the school in tenth grade, so why are you going back in time?)


mmm... not sure you would put this in. you said already that you were very involved with the stupid things your group were doing, so why emphasize that you're egoistic?

----
overall, the essay reads...very very long. I suggest that you put more paragraphs and that you CUT unnecessary details.

Like


you already (and will later) talk about how leadership isn't about 1 person or 1 idea, so no need for this.

And combine your sentences. instead of saying


you could've said Leadership is not about getting recognition, which is simply a by-product (not sure if that's what you call it) when the job is done properly.

Also, don't capitalize your leadership and principles. Unless they are personifications/specific titles (I don't think principle fall into that category, better check) you don't capitalize them.

anyway, definitely come up with a shorter and less dense essay. It's...tedious to read since you repeat a lot.

Undergraduate / Common App personal essay option#1-My Greatest Personal Failure--Feedback [18]


true, but when everyone's doing the same thing...it gets old.

Essays / Is it better if I gear my essay explicitly towards why I wanted to study engineering? [8]

well, if engineering truly reflects who you are, write about it! But don't feel obliged to cover your major.

Many college supplements will ask you for it anyways.

btw, if you haven't started the essay, start NOW!! Submitting late WILL jeopardize your chances of getting in.

Student Talk / Sending SAT subject tests - I do not wish to let the college to see the score [17]


you have to do both, most colleges (if not all) require that you send official copies of your scores. else you could technically put 2400 lol

Undergraduate / Common App personal essay option#1-My Greatest Personal Failure--Feedback [18]

the kind of further condensation that I would suggest:


The achievement sort of made me a hero at school and my seniors gave me important roles... (If you are the hero, it's implied that everyone recognized you. Get what I mean?)


you spend 3 sentences discussing about someone else...you could simply say that the previous SPL was a legend and loved by the principle without getting in the details. Remember, the essay is about you.


you don't need "too"


I still don't understand. If you are in your principle's bad books in 8th grade, how did you become SPL in 10th grade? there are some time conflicts here...


did that happen in 8th or 10th grade?
before or after SPL?


misuse of introspected...introspected myself? or simply "reflected"?


The fact that


I need to make decisions, (i think that's what you mean right?)

again, although much better than last time, it's still very long...I think it's because you cut sentences which could be merged to read smoother. For example:


I sought the advice of some of my classmates, who, unfortunately, wanted (this way, you save repeating "these students)


The school had a warden who would...teachers, but I didn't give him much notice until he became hated by my group. (this saves you "went on as usual" (which is very awkward) and "this particular person))

Try to condense your sentences to avoid repetitions of subjects, which in the long run REALLY distract the reader.

Finally, I just want to reemphasize that I am really confused by your timeline.

Undergraduate / MIT short answer: something you do for the pleasure of it [8]


I don't think that adding random names would make it more personal to the reader...but that might just be me.

Undergraduate / My family, The world I come from. MIT essay. [17]


it's


why I couldn't get the latest Barbie doll (that saves you a couple of words!)


to reuse last year's sport shoes (what! you change your shoes every year? How is that poor? I suggest you come up with a better example of poverty lol)


not sure what you mean


Standing on the stage, being praised for the seventh place my team got, I...


this quote is awkward...you simply repeat what you wrote before. So I'd take the sentence "I am here because I dreamt high", or this one.


now, I dream being the greatest? what you have here doesn't make sense.


I suggest you take out the dream biggest part and simply put this:
Now, I dream about getting the highest education so that I could come back to my country and contribute (somehow? Say HOW!!! with my future math knowledge?) to make it a better place.

Overall, it's a completely different essay, and I do praise you for your persistence.

However, the theme of your new essay is unclear.
you first talk about poverty, then how hard work = compensation, then how you are influence by this philosophy and went all out for math, and finally, how you should dream big. Although it answers the prompt, I feel that it needs better connections between ideas.

Find your main point. Whether it's your dad's philosophy of hard work, or your view to dream big, you need to write the rest of your essay according to it. it just needs a few minor structural changes.

Undergraduate / MIT short answer: something you do for the pleasure of it [8]

alejxa
did you apply early? if so, what's the decision?

Undergraduate / My family, The world I come from. MIT essay. [17]

sorry for the late response


rural? like countryside vs urban?


then, write your essay around it! instead of starting with the idea of how poor your country is, you could emphasize on the plight of your family and make it truly personal, then talk about how you got these dreams as a child, and how these dreams evolved as you grew and did all this stuff.

Grammar, Usage / A Question about "Voice" - inspired by some helpful feedback from Mayada [25]


haha, totally agree. but you gotta admit that not everyone is able to do that, and those who are...become writers of great classics

Undergraduate / designing innovative aircrafts -which department or program at MIT appeals to you and why? [9]


to what?


although i still think it's awkward, i guess you could leave it there


what is the driving force? the commitment? the program itself? be more specific! (that's what i meant in the first place)

Undergraduate / 2 short essays: Why Chicago & My favourite film. [6]


yea, no need to talk about major. I didn't and i still got in :D

i think your y chicago essay covers your mentality, but the first and second paragraph doesn't link explicitly until the last sentence (pretty clever :D). Not that they need to link, it would be better in my humble opinion.

Good luck!

Essays / Is it better if I gear my essay explicitly towards why I wanted to study engineering? [8]


I wouldn't go this far, they deny plenty of clear minded students and don't feel bad about it at all haha. but you are DEFINITELY right in that admins prefer students with clear plans (and realistic) about their future.

Undergraduate / Drawing and painting - MIT pleasure essay [9]

Sorry, i have NO IDEA what you meant in this essay. Maybe because I lack artistic knowledge...still have to work on that haha

It's very well written, but I can't really give my humble opinion until I understand what it's about :D

Undergraduate / Drawing and painting - MIT pleasure essay [9]

mmmm so what is the thing you talk about?

Undergraduate / My family, The world I come from. MIT essay. [17]


the first part has a really awkward structure, do you mean "I hope that my country will one day associated not with bad things, but with an economic...?"


getting the highest education, coming back to my country, and contributing (parallel structure, and comma (',') before and.

Hope that you see these minor corrections in time. This essay is well written, and the reader feels your passion for your country as well as your dreams. good job!

Undergraduate / designing innovative aircrafts -which department or program at MIT appeals to you and why? [9]


my interest grew (or evolved).
(grew how? you'd have to explain, or simply take this sentence out)


is the perfect learning place for me maybe?


my dedication? (find a synonym of commitment since you already used it)


parallel structure mistake (to excellence and to improve, see what i mean?)
also, I'd take this out because you'd have to explain what you mean by improve society


..a bit pretentious here? huge...is not the right word. significant? lasting?


what discipline? you talk about the department, but understand that a department has A LOT of disciplines, or majors


this echoes your improve society point, but you'd have to explain...

Overall, it's not a bad essay, but beware that you make a lot of big statements without support. How exactly are you going to change the world? plans? goals? (more specific than "develop new technologies", you could talk about how/what kind of technologies/new aircrafts you could design, and how that will impact the world)

about your worries of exceeding the word limit, you can cut the essay a lot by taking out all the big talk and unecessary details (I would stay up late to see documentaries on TV.) unless they are really important to your thesis.

Undergraduate / Permanent Tattoos-Supplement Essay [3]

It's very nicely written and captivating, but I don't think it answers the prompt of "


"

Where do you talk about your values or how you approach to world?

Your essay would be a very nice introduction to a potential medical paper on that skin problem, or your own biography, but not as a college essay trying to convince the admin that YOU'RE THE RIGHT STUDENT for princeton.

2 distinct problems:
1. We don't find your main opinion on your rash until the end.
2. Your final opinion on your rash is...dark and inconclusive. You talk about how you spent 8 years, but without result, and you seemed to be willing to give up, which isn't exactly the kind of attitude to put in a college essay.

potential solutions:
1. You could make it much more personal and focused if you spent 1 body paragraph on the reactions you get for this disease, and how you tried to hide it in the beginning, but ultimately realized that it's futile to hide what's part of you, even if it's a disease.

2. You could talk about how this rash made you realize that the world is a painful world and things happen without reason, yet you keep trying to figure out a solution and potentially help others.

Make your essay revolve around 1 central theme, and realize that your focus isn't the rash, but how that changed your view, or defined your value. Answer the prompt!

Undergraduate / UChicago extended essay,free topic about two sides of coin and medal))) [4]

i wrote this as i go through your essay, so my opinion will change from time to time...so please read the entire thing before countering any impression i have on your essay

So your self given prompt is


? if so, do you really answer it? do you ever talk about whether a medal has 2 sides, and what they are?

in any case, simply focusing on the quality of the essay (not considering grammatical mistakes), your essay seems convoluted. assuming that you do answer the prompt (i suggest you coming up with a prompt that "fits" better your essay), it lacks a clear thesis.

your intro states that you wanted that medal, and your 1st body declares how you realized that


. at that point, it's expected that you keep running with the idea that this medal didn't provide you with the pleasure you supposed because of the sacrifices and such

however, your third paragraph talks about how the medal was actually worth something since it was the zenith of your efforts.

ok, upon reading your conclusion, i think i get your point: the medal has its downsides, and its upsides. however, if that is your thesis, then you need not to say in the second paragraph that the medal meant nothing, because if it did, then there wouldn't be any point to your essay, but whether the medal was worth all the trouble.

i'd take out the michael phelps part. it distracts the reader from your main point.

overall, i think that you really do need more focus. i'd suggest:
2nd paragraph focus on your sacrifices (was the medal worth it?)
3rd paragraph focus on the upsides
conclusion, the medal told the story of your life, and was definitely worth it.
(that's why i'd change the prompt...you don't want a prompt that requires qualification, like qualifying both sides of the medal, but whether the medal impacted you positively)

when you write about the downsides and upsides, talk in specific. Don't try to go all over the place and list all the things you could think of. instead talk about 1 or 2 or 3 specific events that were really significant to you that illustrate your sacrifice or your gain; also, what confuses me is when you try to explain the upsides with the downsides, like that despite the fact the you lost friends (downside), you made new ones. i'd try coming up with more significant examples, specific to the IMO competitions. after all, you could lose friends because of anything, not necessarily math competitions.