Graduate / 'increase the diversity of class' - personal statement for Master of Public Health [2]

It's very good! I liked it. Actually got me interested about a public health program.
This essay could be improved if you proofread it few more times and correct some grammar errors here and there. I see them more often as the paragraphs continue.

Also, maybe starting with why you would fit into the program you are applying to in the beginning of the essay might tie things better than introducing the concept in the last paragraph. I kinda felt rushed. Good job!

Undergraduate / "Some Issues that are of importance to me" [6]

This is way too long, and that is because you did not focus on one specific thing.
It is really hard to talk about many topics in one paper.

I think you should focus on a specific part from your paper and really focus on it, and you need to make sure to go straight toward what you are talking about, instead of rambling in the introduction.

Also make sure you use 'its' not it's for possessive.

good luck!

Undergraduate / Undergraduate Admisson essay-Universty of Illinois essay - Community service [7]

I had the opportunity to work as a volunteer~~~
-> I volunteered as ~~

A seminar held in my class threw light upon the exponentially increasing number of cases of cancer inflicted people and the horrendous impact of this rampant evil on socie~~

-> A seminar from my class explained the exponentially increasing cases of cancer inflicted people and the cancer's impact on socie~~~

I could not be more in compliance with the missions and ideals of this organization having seen my own grandmother battling for life against this killer disease.

-> I could not be more willing to serve for this organization and its mission after having seen my grandmother who battled against this killer disease for her life.

the pleasures of smoking which generally floats in their minds at their sensitive age
-> the pleasures of smoking which most teens find with curiosity

Within a couple of days itself,
-> Within a couple of days,

I was greeted with an enthusiastic response from the citizens
-> the citizen enthusiastically greeted me

many-a-person
-> many people

I would initially take for granted
-> I initially took for granted.

a concern for society and a potential agent for change.
-> , and a concern~~~~

good luck with your application!

Undergraduate / [Rice] What will I bring to diversity? [I need some guide!] [6]

Thank you iRunshow!

and Thanks a lot colorfuloving haha. I find it amusing how you called it cute. I love to use that word too lol. Well, I tried to be like this bc my other essay [the main common app] is kinda sad. I talked about how I overcame being alone at new school and how I have grown from that experience.

I am trying to show my witty side in this piece that was not shown in the previous one. My other essay talks about my perfectionism, but I am not sure if that can be added to diversity, you know?

And yes, you are very right. I need to talk about how I can add to the diversity...

I really am not sure which one I should talk about... I guess I will think about it more tomorrow. But, thanks a lot for your advice. I would love to check your essays and give feedback!

Undergraduate / An experience that either demonstrates your character... - U Washington [3]

It was a Friday afternoon, and my school had ended early, ~~

My father had bought a small deep fryer that was a perfect size for the fries and the fried zucchini; however, because I did not know how to turn it on, I had to resort to using a pan half full of oil <- I don't get what it means...

When we dropped those water retaining vegetables into the oil, things didn't turn out well.

that grew since that day.

The last sentence does not really fit into what your essay talked about...
I hope you would discuss more about your emotions as you were going through it, and what you did to stop that with more explanations.

Your essay is not bad. It just contains some grammar errors (comma errors), and it is too short to give readers to understand about you.

Good luck!

Undergraduate / interest for biology - Rice, why this major. [6]

Seeing a panda that was so different from human that breathed and moved like us astounded me -> Seeing a panda that was so different from human yet breathed and moved just like us astounded me.

Chameleons changed colors, porcupines changed shapes, parrots talked
-> ~~~, and parrots talked.

As I grew older and understood more about animals, I only found that my understanding was a gateway to even more myster
-> ~~~, I only found my passion for animals to be stronger.

It was confusing to learn about a world that I had never seen but that made biology more novel and attractive to me
-> ~~~~, but ~~~~

AP Biology
-> In my Advanced Placement Biology course

Biology was a vast subject and what can be more fascinating then studying life itself?
-> Biology was a vast subject. What could be more fascinating than studying life itself?

My interest for biology turned into a passion and I began to look for opportunities around me so that I can immerse myself in this fascinating world and I ended up with an internship at the Stanford Neurology Department where I participated in the Spinal Muscular Atrophy research

-> My interest for Biology soon turned into my passion, and I began to look for opportunities around me so that I could immerse myself more into this fascinating world. Fortunately, I found an internship at the Stanford ~~~~~~.

What does SMN stand for??

on in? -> do you mean 'in?'

Biology is so vast and unexplored that there are infinite opportunities to discover something new and just the thought of making a new discovery excites me, but in order for me to continue on my journey to future discoveries I need to be even more acquainted with biology and gain a more comprehensive foundation of the subject and that is why I am applying to Wiess School of Natural Sciences.

-> Just the thought of making a new discovery fascinates me. However, in order for me to continue my research, I need to be more acquainted with Biology and gain more comprehensive foundation through an extensive studying at college.

Its department of biochemistry and cell biology offers a breadth of biology courses but many of the courses the school offers are geared specifically towards one of the many biology studies such as the course BIOS 464 on Extracellular Matrix.

[Please make sure to capitalize Biology or Biochemistry.

-> Even though its department of Biochemistry and Cell Biology offers a wide range of courses, I find the courses' strong concentration on BIOS 464 on Extracellular Matrix to be [ I cannot think of a word. But you know what I mean.]

The school's intent to provide the students with the best possible education and the ability for undergraduate students like me to conduct research alongside outstanding professors is the perfect combination to aid my intellectual growth and understanding of biology. I feel that I will be prepared, if not over prepared, to enter my graduate studies and join the scientific community as a learned and aspiring scientist and that is why I am applying to the Wiess School of Natural Sciences.

-> The school's mission to provide its students with the excellent education, and the school's focus on the undergraduate research seems to be the perfect combination to aid my intellectual growth and my understanding of Biology.

I believe that this education will very well prepare me to continue my research at the graduate level and help me to become a great scientist, and this is why I am applying to the Wiess School of Natural Sciences.

I really like your essay. It is interesting, and I indeed enjoy reading it.
But, you have some minor grammar errors and need to make sure each paragraph flows well.

I am applying to Rice University this year as well.
Good luck with your application!

Undergraduate / Why Yale - short ans (passion in cultural studies) [8]

I think that Yale can be replaced with different colleges in this writing.

I think you should have an anecdote to reveal about yourself and how it fits the community of Yale.

:)

Undergraduate / U-Chicago Free Prompt AND Yale Secondary Essay! - Can I use it for both? :D [10]

Hmm... I see some few grammar errors. The essay theme is okay... I don't know why u mentioned your first part bc I don't know if it correlates much with the one in the middle.

And the middle part is a little boring... Repeating whats mentioned on the application probably.

Can you find something that is really unique about you?

Undergraduate / Common App Essay going to Brown, Rice, Cornell! [4]

Ah thank you so much you guys!!! :)

meisj0n)) thanks. I never knew that I would get suspended lol.
for your comment about that I should discuss more about what I did as Supreme
Court Justice, I intentionally did not talk about that because my main point of the essay was to use my speech to have the admission officers to get to know me. I am trying to say that this is what I learned: This accomplishment was not about becoming Chief Justice or getting that title, instead, it showed me the value of goal-setting and hard work.

What is your opinion from this point of view? And yep, I need to fix my first sentence... Thank you so much.

Logical)) Hmm... not self-contradiction. I meant that I have improved very much in that gap of three years. and YES i think you are very right that I need more support. I will work on them more! Thank you so much!!