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Posts by joonghoon5
Joined: Dec 6, 2009
Last Post: Mar 28, 2012
Threads: 3
Posts: 9  

From: United States of America

Displayed posts: 12
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joonghoon5   
Mar 28, 2012
Graduate / 'increase the diversity of class' - personal statement for Master of Public Health [2]

It's very good! I liked it. Actually got me interested about a public health program.
This essay could be improved if you proofread it few more times and correct some grammar errors here and there. I see them more often as the paragraphs continue.

Also, maybe starting with why you would fit into the program you are applying to in the beginning of the essay might tie things better than introducing the concept in the last paragraph. I kinda felt rushed. Good job!
joonghoon5   
Dec 30, 2009
Undergraduate / "Some Issues that are of importance to me" [6]

This is way too long, and that is because you did not focus on one specific thing.
It is really hard to talk about many topics in one paper.

I think you should focus on a specific part from your paper and really focus on it, and you need to make sure to go straight toward what you are talking about, instead of rambling in the introduction.

Also make sure you use 'its' not it's for possessive.

good luck!
joonghoon5   
Dec 26, 2009
Undergraduate / Undergraduate Admisson essay-Universty of Illinois essay - Community service [7]

I had the opportunity to work as a volunteer~~~
-> I volunteered as ~~

A seminar held in my class threw light upon the exponentially increasing number of cases of cancer inflicted people and the horrendous impact of this rampant evil on socie~~

-> A seminar from my class explained the exponentially increasing cases of cancer inflicted people and the cancer's impact on socie~~~

I could not be more in compliance with the missions and ideals of this organization having seen my own grandmother battling for life against this killer disease.

-> I could not be more willing to serve for this organization and its mission after having seen my grandmother who battled against this killer disease for her life.

the pleasures of smoking which generally floats in their minds at their sensitive age
-> the pleasures of smoking which most teens find with curiosity

Within a couple of days itself,
-> Within a couple of days,

I was greeted with an enthusiastic response from the citizens
-> the citizen enthusiastically greeted me

many-a-person
-> many people

I would initially take for granted
-> I initially took for granted.

a concern for society and a potential agent for change.
-> , and a concern~~~~

good luck with your application!
joonghoon5   
Dec 26, 2009
Undergraduate / [Rice] What will I bring to diversity? [I need some guide!] [6]

Thank you iRunshow!

and Thanks a lot colorfuloving haha. I find it amusing how you called it cute. I love to use that word too lol. Well, I tried to be like this bc my other essay [the main common app] is kinda sad. I talked about how I overcame being alone at new school and how I have grown from that experience.

I am trying to show my witty side in this piece that was not shown in the previous one. My other essay talks about my perfectionism, but I am not sure if that can be added to diversity, you know?

And yes, you are very right. I need to talk about how I can add to the diversity...

I really am not sure which one I should talk about... I guess I will think about it more tomorrow. But, thanks a lot for your advice. I would love to check your essays and give feedback!
joonghoon5   
Dec 26, 2009
Undergraduate / [Rice] What will I bring to diversity? [I need some guide!] [6]

If you see me daily, you would probably find me sometimes boring yet sometimes very fun to be around. You might get bored at me because I am literally always busy doing something. As the sports go, I play soccer, football, and lift weights. You might think I am a pretty athletic guy, but wait. As the arts side go, I act and sing like Broadway actors in my musicals, sing confidently with my chest open in choir. I also love to draw as well and quite talented, in fact. I have drawn independently for about two years, and I won an award from my school with my self-portrait. But that is only athletic and artistic side of me. I also love to study and communicate in Spanish. Okay, now you should be bored!

You might find me fun to be around because I love to be silly and throw some witty jokes at times.

-----------
Do you think it is boring or fun because it is a very different approach to an essay?

Do you guys have any suggestion as to how I should progress or should I just write a different essay?

Thank you all!
joonghoon5   
Dec 26, 2009
Undergraduate / An experience that either demonstrates your character... - U Washington [3]

It was a Friday afternoon, and my school had ended early, ~~

My father had bought a small deep fryer that was a perfect size for the fries and the fried zucchini; however, because I did not know how to turn it on, I had to resort to using a pan half full of oil <- I don't get what it means...

When we dropped those water retaining vegetables into the oil, things didn't turn out well.

that grew since that day.

The last sentence does not really fit into what your essay talked about...
I hope you would discuss more about your emotions as you were going through it, and what you did to stop that with more explanations.

Your essay is not bad. It just contains some grammar errors (comma errors), and it is too short to give readers to understand about you.

Good luck!
joonghoon5   
Dec 26, 2009
Undergraduate / interest for biology - Rice, why this major. [6]

Seeing a panda that was so different from human that breathed and moved like us astounded me -> Seeing a panda that was so different from human yet breathed and moved just like us astounded me.

Chameleons changed colors, porcupines changed shapes, parrots talked
-> ~~~, and parrots talked.

As I grew older and understood more about animals, I only found that my understanding was a gateway to even more myster
-> ~~~, I only found my passion for animals to be stronger.

It was confusing to learn about a world that I had never seen but that made biology more novel and attractive to me
-> ~~~~, but ~~~~

AP Biology
-> In my Advanced Placement Biology course

Biology was a vast subject and what can be more fascinating then studying life itself?
-> Biology was a vast subject. What could be more fascinating than studying life itself?

My interest for biology turned into a passion and I began to look for opportunities around me so that I can immerse myself in this fascinating world and I ended up with an internship at the Stanford Neurology Department where I participated in the Spinal Muscular Atrophy research

-> My interest for Biology soon turned into my passion, and I began to look for opportunities around me so that I could immerse myself more into this fascinating world. Fortunately, I found an internship at the Stanford ~~~~~~.

What does SMN stand for??

on in? -> do you mean 'in?'

Biology is so vast and unexplored that there are infinite opportunities to discover something new and just the thought of making a new discovery excites me, but in order for me to continue on my journey to future discoveries I need to be even more acquainted with biology and gain a more comprehensive foundation of the subject and that is why I am applying to Wiess School of Natural Sciences.

-> Just the thought of making a new discovery fascinates me. However, in order for me to continue my research, I need to be more acquainted with Biology and gain more comprehensive foundation through an extensive studying at college.

Its department of biochemistry and cell biology offers a breadth of biology courses but many of the courses the school offers are geared specifically towards one of the many biology studies such as the course BIOS 464 on Extracellular Matrix.

[Please make sure to capitalize Biology or Biochemistry.

-> Even though its department of Biochemistry and Cell Biology offers a wide range of courses, I find the courses' strong concentration on BIOS 464 on Extracellular Matrix to be [ I cannot think of a word. But you know what I mean.]

The school's intent to provide the students with the best possible education and the ability for undergraduate students like me to conduct research alongside outstanding professors is the perfect combination to aid my intellectual growth and understanding of biology. I feel that I will be prepared, if not over prepared, to enter my graduate studies and join the scientific community as a learned and aspiring scientist and that is why I am applying to the Wiess School of Natural Sciences.

-> The school's mission to provide its students with the excellent education, and the school's focus on the undergraduate research seems to be the perfect combination to aid my intellectual growth and my understanding of Biology.

I believe that this education will very well prepare me to continue my research at the graduate level and help me to become a great scientist, and this is why I am applying to the Wiess School of Natural Sciences.

I really like your essay. It is interesting, and I indeed enjoy reading it.
But, you have some minor grammar errors and need to make sure each paragraph flows well.

I am applying to Rice University this year as well.
Good luck with your application!
joonghoon5   
Dec 24, 2009
Undergraduate / Overcoming the Peer Pressure... [Common App Essay] [2]

[[[I can't decide how I should end. I don't want to leave the essay talking about too many things either. Would you help me with that please? ]]]

Overcoming the peer pressure

By the third time I heard Cody making fun of my accent in my English class, I knew this was not a laughing matter anymore. Through my peripheral vision, I could see my friends looking at my direction to see how I would react. I tried to be calm, but I could stop my heart from beating faster with an embarrassment.

I could sense that my friends were subtly ignoring and avoiding me from that point just because a few people had wrongfully judged me. It was a sad truth I found out later on, but most high school kids' mentalities are to hang out with the "cool" kids so they can be seen "cool," and to not hang out with the kids who are made fun of, so they won't be judged the same way. I really disliked the immaturity of some students at my school. Why couldn't we all be friends and treat each other with kindness, so that no one felt left out? Faced with reality, I still found going to school very difficult because I did not have close friends. The lunch time and the chapel time when I struggled to decide who to sit by were always the most strenuous moments during each day.

But, I have bravely overcome this social setback. I found that it would be too silly to consume my time worrying about such a small issue that is not going to matter after a few years. What I needed to focus was becoming a better individual by studying diligently at school, by being respectful of my teachers and faculty, and by taking care of my friends who went through more difficult social issues. From then, I have been a good student for my teachers by putting my best efforts into each of my assignments, by daily preparing ahead for my classes, and by doing well on the tests and the quizzes. I have also become a better friend. I have took my friends who used to be lonely by daily taking them to lunch and just by being friendly and kind when some others were picking on them.

After going through the lonely stage and helping my friends with social issues, I firmly believe that these positive personalities - caring and kindness - can make a big difference in someone's life. I hope that the students I will meet at college and the college I will be attending value these great personal qualities just as much as I do. I also wish that my career choice of diplomat can be served to speak for many individuals who are left unheard because of their social status.
joonghoon5   
Dec 24, 2009
Undergraduate / Why Yale - short ans (passion in cultural studies) [8]

I think that Yale can be replaced with different colleges in this writing.

I think you should have an anecdote to reveal about yourself and how it fits the community of Yale.

:)
joonghoon5   
Dec 24, 2009
Undergraduate / U-Chicago Free Prompt AND Yale Secondary Essay! - Can I use it for both? :D [10]

Hmm... I see some few grammar errors. The essay theme is okay... I don't know why u mentioned your first part bc I don't know if it correlates much with the one in the middle.

And the middle part is a little boring... Repeating whats mentioned on the application probably.

Can you find something that is really unique about you?
joonghoon5   
Dec 6, 2009
Undergraduate / Common App Essay going to Brown, Rice, Cornell! [4]

Ah thank you so much you guys!!! :)

meisj0n)) thanks. I never knew that I would get suspended lol.
for your comment about that I should discuss more about what I did as Supreme
Court Justice, I intentionally did not talk about that because my main point of the essay was to use my speech to have the admission officers to get to know me. I am trying to say that this is what I learned: This accomplishment was not about becoming Chief Justice or getting that title, instead, it showed me the value of goal-setting and hard work.

What is your opinion from this point of view? And yep, I need to fix my first sentence... Thank you so much.

Logical)) Hmm... not self-contradiction. I meant that I have improved very much in that gap of three years. and YES i think you are very right that I need more support. I will work on them more! Thank you so much!!
joonghoon5   
Dec 6, 2009
Undergraduate / Common App Essay going to Brown, Rice, Cornell! [4]

At Boys State, the students could run for different government positions and practice the positions they were elected as. I decided to run for one of the five Supreme Court Justices, the second highest position in the program. My challenge was to present myself credibly as a candidate and stand out for selection. I hoped that my honest approach to personal growth in the United States as an international student would help the voters to understand me better. I told the assembled student "voters" the following:

Being selected to attend Boys State, of itself, is an awesome achievement for me, an international student who did not excel at any one thing in particular unlike most of you guys. After coming to the U.S. in 2006, I tried almost everything available in this culture that was almost entirely new to me in order to find what I really enjoy. Early on, I tried out for the high school musical, and this presented me numerous challenges. I wanted to be the lead actor so badly, but my Korean accent and difficulty pronouncing words like all, really, world, and girl which contained 'r' or 'l' held me back. Still, my love for musicals was too strong to give up because of my pronunciation difficulty. So, during my first year in the musical, I just persevered and toiled hard to master the sounds that eluded me. Now, I am a lead actor in my school's musicals, and I even manage a straight A average. I have learned that single-minded focus and personal determination are essential tools in addressing such challenges. I may not have much prior knowledge about the politics or the government systems, but I can assure you all that I will study them very diligently and be your proud Supreme Court Justice. Thank you so much.

This speech to my recent acquaintances or delegates was well-received. After the speeches, I went and talked to the students from different dorms in the hope that I would be able to reach out personally to as many students as possible, selling my name before the final election to elect five Supreme Court Justices from thirty candidates.

The next morning, the announcement was made. I was elected one of the five Supreme Court Justices and I then became Chief Justice upon having received the most votes. I was so thankful that my new friends and acquaintances placed their trust in me and that my contacts were well-received. This accomplishment was not about becoming Chief Justice or getting that title, instead, it showed me the value of goal-setting and hard work. I also learned that consistent effort and working with others is key to personal growth. I am still essentially the same person I was when I made the speech, and I still apply myself completely to everything I do, whether someone is watching me or not because I see that as a fundamental trait of solid character. It is not about what I begin with or when I begin, it is about effort, focus, and determination, and making the most out of each opportunity.
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