Posts by Emmerz

Emmerz

Dec 31, 2009

Undergraduate / Philosophy and Rochester - URoch Short Answers [3]

nice essays, they were pretty well written. just a few suggestions:

on the second essay:

Ready to do and open for anything

change it to "ready and open for anything"

university all that I can.

change "all" to "everything"

Emmerz

Dec 31, 2009

Undergraduate / Victorious Little Umbrella Essay - Boston University Essay [5]

good essay, really shows the reader who you are. I think your intro is very good.
just a few phrasing issues:

never previously considered, just on the slightest whim

"never even considered"

my body to its limits, for example after a workout lifting weights, if I can still do one pushup after I've finished, then I go back to lifting weights until that pushup is impossible

my body to its limits. For example, after a workout, if i am still able to do one pushup, I go back to lifting weights until that pushup is impossible.

also, i agree with rvk26, try to combine a bit of your intro into the conclusion, so it goes full circle

Emmerz

Dec 31, 2009

Undergraduate / Boston University- 3 words (Observant, Realistic, Logical) Last Day [7]

it was a good essay, but there are a few corrections you could make

imagination and being realistic

realism, instead of being realistic

Observance is a quality I am proud of having because of the assistance it provides me in my life, and the kind it can provide Boston University.

I am proud to be observant because... (and what do you mean by "the kind?")

I feel like I have

take out "like"

Being realistic has a certain edge that surrounds a good leader, and school communities thrive with secure leaders.

hope that helped some!

Emmerz

Dec 31, 2009

Undergraduate / Boston U essay- three qualities (inquisitive, trustworthy, passionate) [8]

thank you all for your suggestions! They've really helped! i'll be sure to return the favor!

Emmerz

Dec 31, 2009

Undergraduate / Brown Essays - "Why Brown?", "Why your major?", and "What don't you know?" [2]

good essays, i thought they were well written
here's a critique on the first.

maturity and the fact that Brown

maturity, and the fact that Brown

would without doubt

would without a doubt

like to build a Romanian

maybe use "found" instead of "build"

My high expectations do not end with a list of the preferred features of my dream school; I never forget to give myself high expectations as well.

you could either put: "I expect myself to perform highly as well" or just cut out the whole entire sentence.

the right place for me to meet all my expectations and grow.

just say "grow" and cut "meet all my expectations and"

hope that helped a bit!

Emmerz

Dec 31, 2009

Undergraduate / Boston U essay- three qualities (inquisitive, trustworthy, passionate) [8]

this is my BU essay, and i'm not sure how well it turned out! whatever you have to say is appreciated! thank you!
btw, it's exactly 500 words...

In an essay of no more than 500 words, please select three words that describe you best and tell us how you will use these qualities/characteristics to contribute fully to the BU community.

How you see yourself is more important than how others see you. It's not that it is not important to be seen in a good light- it is that it is better to know and love yourself first. That makes the words you describe yourself with important. To take a word and assign it to yourself is bold. To proclaim to the world that that word defines you even more so.  But here I am, about to tell you and the world what three words I think define me- describe me- best.

I believe that you can not live life until you question it. There is no point in blindly following something- if you do only as others do, how can you find your own self? That is why a word I have chosen is inquisitive. I am proud that I constantly question my beliefs and the world around me. Last year, I had the opportunity to take an AP English class. We explored questions like why we raise our children as we do and why we speak as we do. I was able to question every concept, and have that question be taken seriously. It was exhilarating.

I was taught to "watch out for strangers". As humans, we are wary of everyone that comes our way. We do not trust strangers, for we have no relationship. Trust makes a relationship, and I pride myself on being a trustworthy person. As the oldest of her second "set" of daughters, it is important for me to keep my mother's trust. I remain trustworthy by having good friends and neither partying nor staying out late. We have built our relationship on that, just as I built my relationship with my friends out of trust. My friends and I keep each other's secrets and help each other through hard times, of which there are many.

I believe in putting my all into every project, and so I see myself as passionate. I put my passion into every club I am in, always reaching for higher goals. It is because I am passionate about the Arts that I have been on the Drama Club board for four years, and because I am passionate about my faith that I am Co-President of my school's Christian Club. However, what really drives me is my passion for equality. I am a firm believer that everyone deserves equal treatment, and I am the first to point out discrepancies in the way people are treated.

These qualities will make me a good addition to Boston University. With inquisitiveness, I can liven up classroom discussions. By being trustworthy, I will give my professors the knowledge that I will always turn my papers in on time, and will be a great addition to organizations around campus. With passion, I can help make those organizations grow, and by being passionate about equality, can help ensure that BU community remains as diverse and as open-minded as it has in the past.

Emmerz

Dec 28, 2009

Undergraduate / USC Essay + NYU Short answers critique [12]

yah, the NYU are only 500. So you will have to do a lot of shortening on your last NYU prompt. I think you did okay on that one... but you only talked about why you wanted to become a writer, and never explained why NYU is the best school for you. also there's a few minor things that could be edited:

So, when I was little, every weekend

cut out "when i was little" that's a given, you said you were in elementary school already.

They aren't actually scrap paper though- they are paper picture books that I've handwritten or drawn in my free time in third through seventh grades.

cut out "though" and "third through seventh". tmi, plus you don't have room for it

These all happen to be samples of writing I've sketched up in my spare time.

Replace "happen" with "are", it's stronger

i liked your poem though.

Emmerz

Dec 28, 2009

Undergraduate / 'I didn't get sick' - NYU Supplements- my summer vacation was... [8]

this is a version where i talk mostly about my church camp

This summer, I traveled up to No. CA to visit my family, and had a blast hanging out with my cousins, who I see once a year. I went to my church's summer camp for the second and last time. We spent our time puling pranks and taking walks around Calvin Crest, enjoying a climate that doesn't exist in Bakersfield. More importantly, I was able to delve deeply into my faith. We were led in discussions that made us think about our faith, and not just blindly follow a path we hadn't cut out ourselves.

Emmerz

Dec 27, 2009

Undergraduate / 'I didn't get sick' - NYU Supplements- my summer vacation was... [8]

Thanks for the suggestions! here's an edited version:

This summer, I went to my church's summer camp for the second, and last, time. It was a great opportunity to expand in my faith- and have tons of fun. I also went up to No. CA to visit my family. I had a blast hanging out with my cousins, who I see once a year. It was the best part of my summer. I played with my cousin's kids, all boys under 8. We swam in Whiskeytown Lake, and I made steadfast friends with a group of third grade girls as we battled the boys over control of the floating platform.

Emmerz

Dec 27, 2009

Undergraduate / Common app Activity essay - international event [9]

all these were repaid when feeling the inviting smell of cappuccino through the halls.

This part is a bit confusing, simply because the it doesn't make too much sense. You mix the senses of "feeling" and "smelling", and personally i don't think you can feel a smell :)

so maybe make it
"all these were repaid with the inviting smell of cappuccino in the halls"

i think it was good, but i agree with luminousx- i think it should be in past tense

Emmerz

Dec 27, 2009

Undergraduate / 'I didn't get sick' - NYU Supplements- my summer vacation was... [8]

hi! i'm applying to NYU, and am trying to write my essays. I'd really appreciate any constructive criticism that you have to offer! This essay prompt is:

In addition to any work experience that you listed on your application, please tell us how you spent your most recent summer vacation.

This summer, I was the only one in my family who didn't get sick, so I was stuck at home for four weeks. I just read, made jewelry, and hung out with friends. The latter end of my summer was much more exciting. I went to my church's summer camp for the second, and last, time. It was a great opportunity to expand in my faith- and have tons of fun. I also went up to Northern California to visit my family, and I had a blast hanging out with my cousins, who I only get to see once a year.

Emmerz

Dec 27, 2009

Undergraduate / NYU supplements- essay about why i chose academic program & NYU [8]

alrighty, thanks a lot to all of you, and i do appreciate the critique! it is mostly the character count that's keeping me back from explaining. I usually have a problem with explaining too much...

but, actually, one of the goals of a feminist is to find out why society has made male and female so separate, or, why the gender barrier is there and how to tear the wall down.

so, would something like this be better:

I have always been passionate about equality. It started out as a search to find a reason behind my dad's yelling and my mom's insistence on staying with him. In high school, I became an outspoken feminist, or, as one of my friends says, "a dirty man-hater". I constantly ask why society has been separated into such opposing genders. It was easy to choose Gender Studies at NYU. This program not only gives me the chance to read and study- it gives me the chance to actively explore gender roles.

I had to shorten it, because the common app counts SPACES as characters, which is rather ridiculous.

Emmerz

Dec 27, 2009

Undergraduate / NYU supplements- essay about why i chose academic program & NYU [8]

okay, thank you!
does this work any better?

I have always been passionate about equality. In high school, I developed into an outspoken feminist, or, as one of my friends calls me, "a dirty man-hater". I am constantly asking why society has separated itself into genders that have been assigned such different qualities. So, it was natural to choose Gender & Sexuality Studies as my major at NYU. There is no other school that offers such an environment as the College of Arts and Sciences does. The program there does not just offer me a chance to read and study- it gives me the chance to explore the meanings of "male" and "female" actively.

Emmerz

Dec 27, 2009

Undergraduate / NYU supplement; 'A day in NYC with anyone' [9]

I thought you did a good job on answering the prompts, but i'd change one thing about your New Yorker essay.
Try to combine
"Together Annie and I will explore every nook and cranny of this magnificient city. Two similar spirits bravely endeavoring thorugh a concrete jungle."

maybe instead just put a coma between the two sentences, making it
Together Annie and I will explore every nook and cranny of this magnificient city, two similar spirits bravely endeavoring thorugh a concrete jungle."
Otherwise, the second sentence is a bit awkward, and in fact really isn't a sentence.
But overall, good job. The poem was good, and your other essay was strong.

Emmerz

Dec 26, 2009

Undergraduate / NYU supplements- essay about why i chose academic program & NYU [8]

hi there! i'm applying to NYU, and would love some help on my short essays. they only give us 500 characters to write these, so i'm not sure how well this answers the prompt! any constructive criticism is welcome!

Please tell us what led you to select your anticipated academic program and/or NYU school/college, and what interests you most about your intended discipline.

I have always been passionate about equality. In elementary school, I wanted to make sure everyone knew I was as good as any boy. In high school, I developed into an outspoken feminist, or, as one of my friends calls me, "a dirty man-hater". So, it was natural to choose Gender & Sexuality Studies as my major at NYU. There is no other school that offers such an environment as the College of Arts and Sciences does. The program there does not just offer me a chance to read and study- it gives me the chance to explore the meanings of "male" and "female" actively.

Emmerz

Dec 26, 2009

Undergraduate / Home - there is always my heart - and it is everywhere. Common App Essay [7]

I really liked this essay, and have only one small correction

After paying for my ticket, I made my way to the gallery of American painters, turned each corner, glanced at each painting, and read ~~every~~each blurb.

it flows better, and is parallel to the other words around it.
overall, though, good job!