Writing Feedback / Communicate effectively through the use of images, not language - GRE [3]

Introduction edit

The intro is nice, except I think you can change a few things.

First of all, language is an idea, not a method, so it would be better to write "language is an effective way to communicatefor communicating ideas." To maintain parallelism and reduce redundancy, you can take edit:

"communicating ideas using images has itshave their own advantages"

Some more possible fixes:
"Had it not been for images, communication crossing the borders, for example, would not have been easierbe more difficult ." (for an example)

Since this is a formal essay, you shouldn't use slashes "/". Rather, just replace them with the word "or".

The last sentence is a little awkward and also changes the tense of will.
"Finally, unambiguous representation of an event/or idea willwouldnot be trivial without use ofwith images.

Undergraduate / How my background has had an impact on my educational goals [10]

Wow. It is kind of hard to do that in only 250 words.

Well, you can cut out some little things. For example, you can get rid of "so I did" for two reasons. First, the reader can follow along and deduce that you did indeed heed his advice. Second, (don't take this offensively though; it happens to me too when I am at loss for words) it sounds unsophisticated.

You can also make these sentence more succinct:

Three years after my graduation, I had worked withexperienced everything from child care to waiting tables to directory enquiries, but I still had no "great plan" for the rest of my lifedefinitive life agenda .

I just knew that I wanted to "get out there and experience"explore something new.

And it feels good to know that I am writing this essayIt is gratifying to write this essay/Writing this essay is gratifying , not because my teachers or friends want me to studyof peer pressure()? , but because I want to.

Now with some space left over, I think you can work on a better transition between 2nd and 3rd sentence of the 2nd paragraph.

I also think that this essay could use a better conclusion. I follow through the essay until I get to the last sentence; I was a little confused about what you are trying to say. Remember that the conclusion should be some sort of "summary" (loss for words here :) and recapitulate the main idea of the essay. Which leads me to my last point; I'm not sure what you're thesis is... well, actually I do, but you more clearly state the main point of the essay.

Overall, it's a good try. It is difficult to fit broad experiences into 250 words.

Undergraduate / Question about length of common application personal essay [5]

Really? ... I always thought that <500 was a little bit too short. Well, thanks anyways for the information.

Undergraduate / Common Application Short Answer Editing "Describe an experience" [13]

Hi. Thanks for the compliments.
About the tip, I didn't meant that education is not necessary; I mean't that only education and academics will not get you far in life. Should I be clearer?

Thanks

Research Papers / My Scientific Method: steps and procedures (research) [8]

Maybe a small fixes here and there could tidy up your essay. The idea of analyzing yourself was quite novel! :]

If you don't mind, I think you can delete some words to make your essay cleaner and more sophisticated:

Edit:
The scientific method was developed over a period of thousands of years and through the combined contributions of the world's greatest minds. Today, scientists use the scientific method to address every challenge the world faces. As a man of science, the scientific method strikes a close personal resonance with me. It is the foundation by which I as an intellectual and we as a people enhance our knowledge and progress ourselves. Thus this method is most congruous to answer one of the most challenging questions I face: who am I?

First step, the question. Who am I? It seems simple enough, yet I have lived with me for 17 years and could still not wholly explain who I am. I am complex to say the least, but I can unearth the answer by following the method.

Step two, background research; I need to search for what makes me "me". To start, my family is Roman Catholic and I believe in God, so I am definitely religious. Concerning my family, my grandfather was a very smartan intelligent man who was always dabbling in science; he's a role model to me. Additionally, a thorough read through my bookshelfchoked bookshelf will inform you of all that physics, astronomy, and biology have to offer, and resting on the bookshelf is my certificate of volunteer work running the local planetarium; I definitely love science.(Try to add a transition here - maybe relate science to music or, if one your Grandpa also likes music, you can say that to further support the idea that he is you're role model) If I take a look at my car I notice that most stations are set to a variety of musical genres: pop, rap, rock, and country. Furthermore, my dilapidated piano clearly aches from 8 years of relentless playing; I clearly love music. In fact, "aches" has reminded me of my love for cross country. I see that my third pair of running shoes has been worn to the tread and also see a seven page long running log in my room; I must love sports. Next to my shoes I see a filing box and inside I encounter a bottomless pit of forms from the regional, state, and international science fairs I competed in. I also spot a news letter from a local lab I'm working with and my plans for an independent research project. Clearly I'm very ambitious. I think I've researched enough.

Step three, construct a hypothesis. Based on my research, I would again say that I am complex; I am religious yet I love science, I am interested inpassionate about (? I think interested is a little weak in this context) music and athletics, and I am ambitious. Now I need to test this theory.

Step four, experimentation. My love of both science and God has, perhaps, been my longest lasting experiment. I've refused to surrender either of these passions and thus I've attempted to find a middle groundcompromise them through studying the bible at religious education, taking a myriad of science courses, and finally cross referencing these results to ensure that I was not hypocritical. This test is still ongoing, but early results indicate that my hypothesis was correct, I am religious and I love science. As for music, my euphoric escape from reality, a friend and I have been in competition for two years on who can play the piano the best, and it has yielded a self-created album, an explosion of talent. In addition, my friends fuel my love for sports. From running 3 miles in the rain and mud to cheering on the USA in the world cup, my zeal for sport has persisted despite my busy schedule(It's better to leave this out because it seems a little random and you haven't really mentioned a busy schedule earlier in the essay) .

It appears, though, that I don't have the equipment to fully test this hypothesis, to find out who I truly am. Ambition is difficult to test; I know I have it, yet opportunities are rare. My passion expressed in everything I do may briefly reveal it, yet I don't currently hold the opportunity to fulfill my dreams and desires with it. Perhaps I will find the equipmenttools? (I don't know... It sounds more casual to me... This is just a minor suggesion :) later in life, hopefully in college, but I can only aspire that as I grow as a person and as an intellectual I will be able to use this ambition and my passion to one day finish my own scientific method, knowresolve who I am, and use that knowledge for somethingbecome extraordinary.

Overall - Nice Job! The scientific method idea - who would have thought of that? :)

Undergraduate / Common Application Short Answer Editing "Describe an experience" [13]

I edited it a little bit - is it clearer now?

I used to believed that a person could excel in life solely through diligence and independence; if he lacked academic caliber, I believed that he would never become successful and would be burdened with sadness and regret throughout the rest of his life. However, by frequenting the church homeless shelter, I discovered that life is more than academics.

At the shelter, strangers freely conversed and reminisced with others and relished what they had left in their life. Initially, I was appalled to find that, despite their grimy plight, the homeless were rather happy and carefree. However, when I observed the warm rapport between the homeless when they discussed troubles and sorrows, I then had an epiphany: it was impossible to survive such harsh times as the current recession without peer support and empathy. The homeless and the shelter revolutionized my perspective of life and my definition of success.

Undergraduate / Mae Jemison; historical figure influenced you and explain that influence [24]

Oh~ By "Ever ... 'no' ", I meant "Ever since I was wee little" :] I'll change that to make it clearer.

Thanks for the technical editing!

Oh! I forgot to change that... I'll do that now. When I cut and paste from Microsoft Word, the italics became unitalicized.

Thanks for the help and compliments!

Undergraduate / Question about length of common application personal essay [5]

Alright. A lot of my friends are talking about writing 5-page essays, which I though was excessive. But now I agree that it really depends on the writer and the topic. Thanks for the advice!

Undergraduate / Common Application Short Answer Editing "Describe an experience" [13]

Thanks for the feedback! Here is my edited short essay:

I used to believe that a person could excel in life solely through diligence and independence; if he lacked academic caliber, I believed that he would never become successful and would be burdened with sadness and regret throughout the rest of his life. However, by frequenting the church homeless shelter, I discovered otherwise.

At the shelter, strangers freely conversed and reminisced with others and relished what they had left in their lives. Initially, I was appalled to find that, despite their grimy plight, the homeless were rather happy and carefree. However, when I observed the warm rapport between the homeless when they discussed troubles and sorrows, I then had an epiphany: it was impossible to survive such harsh times as the current recession without peer support and empathy. The homeless and the shelter revolutionized my perspective on life and my definition of success.

I actually have read and commented on other people's essays. Its actually fun and helpful to read other's mistakes; I can advise others on how to fix their essays while I, myself, can learn of my mistakes through them.

Graduate / "Career vision" vs. "most passionate about" - what is the difference? [10]

I agree. In my opinion, these two questions are quite different. If you are fortunate, passion can lead to an ideal career. However, many times, what you are passionate about cannot be practically translated into a vocational agenda. For example, you may be passionate about eating or playing computer games, yet it would be very difficult to find respectable jobs directly related to your passion. The closest you can get to eating is becoming a chef, but you might not like cooking or baking. Of course, you can learn, but it just might not be the thing you desire to do.

Another particular example would be writing letters. Many people are passionate about hand-writing personalized messages to their relatives or loved-ones, but I assure you that it is difficult to find a letter-writing career that will support you (and perhaps your family).

So in short, "career vision," in my opinion, addresses what you would like to do for a job, and "passion" implies what you plainly love to do.

Undergraduate / Something about me that will help my roommate know me better [11]

Everyone, thank you for your advice and comments! I really appreciate your help.


Although it is somewhat of an exaggeration, I added it for effect, to show how much it had shocked me. If it's too harsh, I can soften in a little... maybe: "Soon I became afflicted with loneliness and became distrustful of humanity." ... although I'm not sure how I can create the same effect. My idea was to start out a little extreme (as I was only a small kid then) and later show my progress and improvement.


Well... I decided against that, because the main point of the essay was for the roommate to get to know me better. So I thought keeping it personal would be more effective. But thanks for the tip anyways :)


Thanks for the tips. About, paranoia - I chose not only for the effect, but also because I do mean it. I actually left out some details because it would take to much room, but if you care, what actually happened is that the teacher encouraged me to fight back, which was appalling to me. After that, until around 9-10th grade, I became introverted and very independent to the point that some of the teachers found it unnerving... -.-

But again, thanks for the comments!


Ummm... well, this essay is intended for the roommate to know me better, so it's more of a heads-up to my roommate of what kind of person I am. :] But it is an interesting thought...


Hmmm... do you think it would be better if I moved the sentence:
"The calamity destroyed my trust and cursed me with paranoia."
to the end of the first paragraph and change it to:
"Their perfidy destroyed my trust and cursed me with paranoia."


I think it can work... but I'll change it to be safe :). Thanks for the help!

Writing Feedback / "Learning is power" - toefl-why people go to colleges or universities? [9]

First off, correct me if I'm wrong, but I think that college and university are somewhat interchangeable. But college is just a bit broader, so I think that instead of writing "colleges or universities," you can just put "colleges."


This will make things more succinct.


Shorter and sounds better. :]


Here, I think you should "it" to "that" because it seems a little ambiguous to me. By using that, it'll be clearer that you are referring to that action of studying alone.


This might add the effect you want. Now it sounds like: even if you are given a lot of time, there are some things you cannot do alone. :]


What kinds of help? Try to be more specific.


I don't know... to me, the transition to this section seems a little abrupt. Adding a smoother transition to the first sentence should help. Although I understand why that sentence is there, I think it will be better if you leave it out.

Undergraduate / My "granddaddy" - Indicate a person who has had a significant influence on you [3]


Oh! Sorry about that - I was looking for a better conclusions, but somehow, it slipped out of my mind and I forgot to add that to my reply... Thanks for catching that!


Hmmm... let me try to fix that:
"I was most inspired by his determination to receive education despite the hardships he suffered during the war"
How about that? :]... or maybe:
"I was most inspired by his determined yearning for education despite the hardships he suffered during the war"


Why not? I think it works fine. Through the story, Derby (where's his real name?) tells the reader the suffering his grandfather endured and his perseverance in receiving education. He shows that from the story, he was inspired to pursue education as the "first step in a long career in academic success." In my opinion, the story fits well. :)

Poetry / Writing a Narrative Poem/Short Story [7]

Perhaps you can write about what you most enjoy doing, whether it be fishing or reading books or playing video games. Just write about a specific experience, and present what you learned from it. I, myself, find that writing about what I like to do is easiest.

Undergraduate / Drama Code Geass for short answer of Common App, feel free to comment [3]

No! Your English is not lame. It just takes practice and experience to get used to the rather complex language. I assure you that none of us were writing novels when we just began learning the language.

Undergraduate / compare and contrast essay about home school and public school - major topic [7]


Well... I object to the school expense one because, technically, public schools are free... so the expenses should not be significantly different from that of home school. I would actually think that home school is more expensive because you will have to purchase or rent textbooks and materials through local schools.

Another topic I might add is how there is limited materials/classes available at school while at home, you can even learn classes and materials that are not offered at school. At my school, for instance, the only AP's offered are: Chem, Physics, Calculus, English Literature, Biology, and Psychology. Others, we have to learn on our own.

And, by the way, please make your subject more specific and helpful. Right now, your thread is in danger of being deleted by the moderators. Just a heads up :]

Undergraduate / How my background has had an impact on my educational goals [10]

I think "grandpa" works better because it sounds more personal.


I actually think the better, succinct way is:
"my grandpa advised me to get some experience from different jobs before making a choice."

And you don't have to be too picky with the word choice. I think "a choice" is perfectly fine.

"I would like to major in Communications at CU to gain more knowledge about a field I wish to continue working in "


You should always assume that the reader doesn't know the abbreviations. So it is better to write down the whole name.

This final sentence, as you know yourself :), is awkward. Let me try to fix it:
"Even if it has takenthough it took me four years to get here, thanks to my grandpa, I finally know what I want to study, and I have my grandpa to thank for that ."

From there, maybe you can improve your conclusion even more :)

Undergraduate / intellectual challenges - Stanford-intelellectually engaging activity [17]

Thanks for the help. I didn't agree with a few of the corrections though.

Undergraduate / The ability to think: Common Application. Elaborate on one Activity. [13]


This will give a better transition between the sentences.


Unless you are John Steinbeck (just a joke :), it's generally bad practice to begin your sentences with 'And.'
Actually, I think you should combine that sentence with the previous one:
"However, there is one activity that I believe transcends limitations: the ability to think."
How about that?


This sounds too casual. Try to replace it with something stronger, or, instead, I recommend that you cross out the sentence because it seems more of a digression. Also, try to add more content in this paragraph.



I'm not sure what you mean by this sentence. Try to fix the awkward wording here. If this is your concluding sentence, make it stronger, as this sentence is supposed the wrap up the whole essay.

Overall, it's ok. However, you should elaborate on the activity. Currently, your essay is devoid of details. Try to describe what you did as a captain of the debate team, or what your debate team did. Try to present a specific experience that will encapsulate your contribution to the debate team. This will make your essay more strongly emphasize your role as part of the debate team. After all, the main idea is to elaborate on one activity :]

Undergraduate / Common Application Short Answer Editing "Describe an experience" [13]

Yeah. Unfortunately, I have a 150 word limit and I'm right at 147. I sometimes wish that the applications lifted the word limits, but I guess the people can be reading novels for ever. :)

Undergraduate / "to unite my passions" - What makes Stanford perfect for me? [29]


Well... I'm not sure how much more I can research. I don't really know anyone at Stanford, and my high school counselors, to tell the truth, are pretty useless. So the only way I could research is

through the Internet. Nevertheless, I'm sure Stanford will appreciate the information I've dug up from the web.


I prefer not to use the passive voice, because often it tends to be weak. I think this would be better:
"During my high school, I sought a college that offers both intensive education and an unparalleled blend of (my passions:) In my opinions, I think the phrase in parenthesis will more clearly introduce the reader to my passions. If I just stated this without the phrase, the reader might be confused as to how and what these disciplines mean to me. music and computer science.


I think this is awkwardly worded, and it is also in passive voice. I'm grateful for your help, but I think my original statement was slightly better.


I'm sorry if I wasn't clear, but this isn't what I meant. I was trying to say that I was about to give up hope. But the word choice you offered sounds better than my measly "contrary". Thanks!


This is a good suggestion. Thanks. I just tweaked it a little to accommodate my taste. :]

Well, here is a revised version of my introduction:

During my high school career, I sought a college that offers both an intensive study and a unique blend of my passions: music and computer science. Although many prestigious universities such as Princeton and Harvard provide rigorous scientific education and musical training, they lack the unique fusion of the two subjects. Over time, my college research grew futile, for I could not find the perfect school that combined my passions. However, just as I began to doubt the existence of the compromise of two seemingly incompatible disciplines, good fortune led me to investigate Stanford. To my utmost relief, I discovered that Stanford offered not only rigorous schooling but also the remarkable and novel fusion of music and computer science that I had been long seeking.

What do you think? Does is sound better and more fluid?


Although fruitless can fit in here, it doesn't give me the effect I'm seeking. I want a word that will show that I almost gave up, that the task seemed like a Sisyphean task.


Hmm... I think I know what you mean. How about this:

"Before high school, I believed that Stanford was simply a beautiful neighbor. Although even now, I am still impressed with the lush mosaic of Stanford's environment and pleased with its proximity, Stanford is more than a nearby, unrivaled campus. At Stanford, I can take advantage its diverse computer science resources and musical programs to excel in my passions."

Is this clearer?


No, no, no... I'm not confining anything to anything. Rather, I want to expand both fields by merging them together.
I do admit that this is not my best piece -.- I found it hard to emotionally give concrete examples of what I can to at Stanford that I cannot do at other universities.

I have edited my final paragraph to give it a stronger, more decisive touch. Please tell me what you think:

Through the Stanford Computer Forum, I can advance my technological expertise and pursue my passion for computers through algorithmic research. Through its Symphonic Orchestra, my flute and I can inspire others with captivating music. Most importantly, through the Stanford Laptop Orchestra, which offers a unique opportunity to compose and produce music with computers and algorithms, I can achieve the long-sought fusion of computers and music. Undoubtedly, I have discovered my ideal college; at Stanford, by contributing to its computer and musical programs, I can achieve my grand aspiration to unify my passions.

If you can again revise my essay, I would be forever grateful. Thanks!

Undergraduate / intellectual challenges - Stanford-intelellectually engaging activity [17]

I edited the conclusion paragraph because I thought the last sentence was a little weak -.- :

Through this research, I exposed myself to intellectual challenges. Although this experience did not satiate my intellectual hunger, it intensified my fervor for electrical and mathematical knowledge.

I still feel like something is missing... could someone help me out? Thanks.

Scholarship / Fellowship Essay for PhD program-how do you plan to help Egypt? [20]

Some grammatical errors :)

During my high school years I was the president of the student union of my school,a public local school in Tanta Town. (Here, don't you want to actually put the name of your school?) We didcompleted a project about "Green School" for a national competition. TheOur project tookwonthe first place.and this It was the first time for a local school to winwon this competition. The Governor held award ceremony on our behalf and we got showed uppresented on the local TV channel. We inspired a lot ofmany (The reason I changed this is because "a lot" tends to be overused and is also weak) local schools, and the next year, two schools from my town took the second and the third place in the same competition. This experience made me realize that if I can compete national, can I do it international?inspired me to compete internationally.

Next year, I applied ofto the ThinkQuest African competition. I assembled a team, including girl from Cairo and a boy from The Republic of Ghana. I wanted to have different perspectives in my teama diverse team . We didprepared a project about wars that happened in Africa and how it affected the economy, people and everything in Africaand people in Africa (Here, you should be specific, rather than saying "everything" . We callednamed the project "Live or Die!" and appliedwith a black/whiteblack and white theme to show the contrarinessemphasize the conflict of war (Is this what you were trying to say? If not, please let me know) . This project inspired many people, es pecially Mrs. Susan Mobarak, the first lady of Egypt. We were awarded withthe Star Award for best project and best content. We also got an article onThe Al-Ahram newspapertalkingwrote an article about our initiative. This experience changed my way of thinkingperspectives and how effective I can be to the world around metaught me that I can influence the world .

I got into volunteeringvolunteered in activities via my English schools teacher. I joined International Education and Resource Network (iEARN), Egypt section as IT committee member. We did a lotvarious projects, including the "Voice of America competition" and "Access Alumni Network." (Remember that punctuations go before the quotes, even if the phrase is a name or title) Later I joined Egypt-ERA and became a core member and responsible for the IT infrastructure. This experience maturedadvanced my IT skills. (I think its better to end the sentence here)and bB y the time when I had to admit for the collageI applied for college , I decided to goapply for Computer Science Faculty, Menufia University. Unfortunately, this was against my family will.

My family has itsa passion for the medical field.as mM y father has a small pharmacy, and my sister is studying medicine. For myselfUnlike them, however , I had other plans. They argued meWe argueda lotfrequently but I insisted to study what I desirepursue my passion . I was extremely happy when I got accepted to the Faculty of Computer Science, but the "ungraceful" look I saw in my parents' eyes wasmy parents' disgraceful expressions were unbearable.

The collagecollege (collage is actually a type of art, if you were wondering :), the faculty was recently established and, so it didn't have room for student activities. Therefore, I formed a student community with my colleagues and we called it MUFIX. MUFIX gotreceived the attention it needed and it began to enrich college experience and be part ofinfluence students' daily lifelives . We started an infrastructural project to automate paper work. We also hosted national and international speakers from various IT fields. SharingThrough my vision and responsibility made, MUFIX lasted longer than I had anticipated. After 6 years, I am still remembered and recognized as theits founder. This was my gateway to International Organizations.

I gotreceived a call from a IEEE Egypt, Gold Section representative where he, who encouraged me to bebecome a member and represent them in two remote universities. This was a challenge because these universities where totally isolated of suchlacked student activities. Year after year, more students get moregrew interested in our activities and events speciallysuch as "Egyptian Engineering Day" (EED), where graduated students get a chance to present their graduation projects to the industry people. I got involvedparticipated in "Arab Science and Technology Foundation" (ASTF), which aims fortargets people with ideas who lack fund and marketing skills. ASTF hashosted two famous projects I'm proud to be part of: "Your Project is Reality" and "Technology business plan competition". InThrough these projects, I met a lot ofcountless enthusiastic youth with great ideas that aim mostly forabout the development of Egypt. This experience was the main source of inspiration formost inspired my graduation project.

At my final year at collagecollege , I and my colleagues and I (This is one of those weird rules in English that says that you should always put yourself last when listing people. They say it's for manners -.-) decided to develop a hardware device that would secure campus network cheaply and autonomously. However, we lacked funds to buypurchase the necessary hardware components that we needed. W, so w e had to researched and fund-raised the project ourselves. We managed to getreceive a 70% fund from the Egyptian governomentgovernment, (You need to work on spelling. To help, you can always use the spell checker that comes with Microsoft Office :) and this was the head start for us. (Try to add a transition here, such as: "When we finally completed and submitted our projects, to our surprise, we won ..." or something similar. Right now, the way you talk about how a fund started and move into how you won an award is too abrupt. Maybe describe the project progress.) We won "Best Software Project" Award in EED 2007. We got Interviewed by TVwere interviewed and gotreceived an article on the first page of Algomhoria Newspaper. ThereTo my relief , my parents were extremely proud of me and believed that I was indeed on the right path. I got the third rank on my class and soAs third of my class, I was nominated to join teaching staff. However, unfortunately, I had to refuse the nomination.

Although w orking as a faculty instructor is very prestigious but, I had to refuse that opportunity because my family had some serious financial problems. Because I was the only available variable of the problem equationsource of income,and working as instructor wasn't right at that moment. Although m y professors had a plan to guide potentials, but they respected my decision and encouraged me to continue my education when the time is right. Thereafter, I gave myself a 5-year plan to fix everythingthe situation and getearn decent independent life. Soon, I married my beautiful girlfriend. Get, attained more and more experience from my work and then get, and returned back to my faculty andto contribute my findings. SurpriselySurprisingly , I was able to do my 5 yearscomplete plans in just 3 years.

I worked as a software developer at ASSET Technology Group and I was outsourced to Vodafone Egypt the biggest telecom company in Egypt and the world. During my work, I got in touch with latest technology and I was able to seesaw the gap between the academia and theacademics and industry in Egypt. This encouraged me to pursuitpursue my PhD, to fill that gap, and be part ofto assist my country's development process.

The fact I learned fromFrom the projects and communities,I was part of isI learned that a lot of people hashave the potential for public service. They allAll they need a pushis encouragement . Through my student community , I created a student community to pushedthe students to serve the society,I used that to push the teaching staff to encourage and award students I used that to push, and the administration staff to make students' lives easier and fun. A lot ofAlthough many people were disappointed when I refused the faculty nomination but , they arewere confident that I'll do my best to serve the bigger community. I'm willing to work harder and travel the world to grab what I can to better developimprove my culture, my society and my country.

Whew! :) That was a long one! I commend your essay and your accomplishments. They were very inspiring indeed!

Undergraduate / Mae Jemison; historical figure influenced you and explain that influence [24]


Hmm.. I'll keep that tip in mind :] Thanks!


Hmmm... I think I like the original better. It sounds more active :] Kind of like, my parents beat the knowledge into me :) By the way, I'm Asian, if you didn't know, so I'm just playing with the stereotypes.


Oops. Firstly, there was a typo on my part -.-. It was supposed to be: "Over time, I broadened the list of qualities, including unconditional kindness and steadfast perseverance." I thought this sentence would be important because it introduces the reader to the type of qualities I would like to have; these are the qualities I admire Mae Jemison for:

academic diligence and excellence --> intellectual breadth
steadfast perseverance --> determination
kindness --> munificence
If you still think that it's unnecessary, please tell me :)


I also thought it was a bit awkward... I didn't necessarily want to mitigate peer pressure... What I'm trying to say is that as I grew older, peer pressure made it more difficult for me to focus on my goals, so I wanted a idol to look up to and keep me in shape... Taking your idea, do you think this is better worded:

"As I grew older, peer pressure made it increasingly difficult to focus on my ideals; therefore, I sought an idol who could exemplify my goals."


Thanks for that tip!

Wait... now that I reread my introduction, I think I know what you mean... I think I need a better way to tie the admirable qualities in with my dream... Am I right?

Even before I began schooling, my parents infused me with academic diligence and excellence. Over time, I believed that unconditional kindness and steadfast perseverance were also necessary to fulfill my aspirations of becoming a world-renown electrical engineer. As I grew older, peer pressure made it increasingly difficult to focus on my ideals; therefore, I sought an idol who could exemplify my goals. During freshman year, I sought my parents' and friends' guidance, but I was no better off than I was before. After two years of futile searching, I grew despondent and pessimistic; however, in my junior year, a fortuitous impromptu physics lecture on space and aeronautics revived my prospects. I discovered an exemplar of my ideals who championed every imaginable obstacle in order to achieve her life dream of becoming a scientist; Mae Jemison, with her intellectual breadth, determination, and munificence, inspired me to persistently pursue my dream.

Undergraduate / Mae Jemison; historical figure influenced you and explain that influence [24]

Oh... Ha - I thought that would be a little too casual... But now that I think about it, I could work well...
How about this?
"Even before I began schooling, my parents beat knowledge into me and infused me academic diligence and excellence."


I tried to save the explanations for the body paragraphs. Did I do that poorly?


Ok.. I see...
"As I grew older, I sought an idol who could exemplify my goals."
Could that simply replace the sentence?

Again, thanks a million! I don't know what I would have done without you guys. :)

Undergraduate / Education is the best gift, "Greatest personal achievement\accomplishment" [7]

Even though I couldn't help them physically or financially, but I know to myself that I can help themI acknowledged their plight by studying hard and giving importance to thecherishing things I have now. That's whyTherefore, I try my best in everything I do. This way, I canto be able to have a good future and to be able to reach out to others in every way I can.

I think this will get rid of the slight awkwardness here.

Because I believe and have faith(Having both here is a little redundant.) that through good education and theaperseverancedesire (I think this word will be a better choice) to help, everythinganything is possible. Not only will would (Remember to keep the tenses the same) I be fulfilled, but (Remember, "not only" always accompanies "but also" I would also make other people happy through the things (Again be more specific) I could do for them. I honestly admit that I did not receive any awards throughout my grade school and high school years. But for me, the awards received in school are nothing compared to the joy of being able to helphelping our brothers and sisters (Maybe instead of brother and sisters, you can say "our people"... but I completely understand what you mean :) . Although a wards such as Academics , conduct, or the recognition given in participating anby an event is a big help in being able to enter a good collegecan help you succeed (If this essay is for college, I recommend that you don't write something like that.) ., if our only purpose is for self- greed (generally, greed is for the self) , then these awards are nothingmeaningless . Education is not only the best gift we could keep that can never be taken away from uscan keep and cherish. It isbut also the best gift we couldcan share with others. That's what I've learned, and that is why I will do everything I can to be able to enter this school and be the best I can be for others and myself.

The last sentence needs serious revision. If your main purpose of writing this essay is to "enter this school," I believe you have misunderstood your prompt. Try to elaborate on a specific experience and show what you can do for the school. The application reviewers already know you want to go to that school (that's why you're applying, right?), so you don't have to write that in the essay itself. That said, you did alright; but you can improve some things too :)

Undergraduate / "about fishes" - Common App essay- significant experience [4]


I'm sorry, but the original was is actually correct ... :]


Both ways are grammatically correct.


Here is my correction: "... were interacting as if they were family in the 160-gallon aquarium'



I'm a bit confused here. What are you trying to say? I think think sentence is in the wrong place, or you should add more details earlier leading up to this sentence, like: "When received my first fish tank, the water would ... " Do you understand?


Another suggestion:
"By the time I started 7th grade, I was fervently interested in ichthyology"


How about this: "In fact, those books were more interesting that the stories read in English class"


@Nanncy22: You were kind to help this fellow out in this essay. Although you made a few mistakes yourself, don't worry. We can learn from each other's mistakes. :)

Undergraduate / "to unite my passions" - What makes Stanford perfect for me? [29]

No, no. Passive and Active voices are quite different. Usually, I would use the passive voice when I am reflecting on something or if the narrator is speaking of the past. In this case, I like the use the active voice. The active voice lends a more forceful and, as the name implies, "active."

From my experience, all of the English teachers I have prefer active over passive voice. True, when used properly, the passive voice can create a beautiful tone, but I'm not trying to write a novel here :) I hope you understand. Thanks for your comments, too!

Undergraduate / "to unite my passions" - What makes Stanford perfect for me? [29]

Can you explain?

Undergraduate / "to unite my passions" - What makes Stanford perfect for me? [29]

Hmmm... From all these comments... I've decided that I should rewrite, from scratch...
But before I do, can you guys clarify what it is that seems conflicting? Thanks.

Scholarship / Fellowship Essay for PhD program-how do you plan to help Egypt? [20]


:D

No problem. I learned a lot from your essay, though what I learned was not necessarily English writing. But I was still fascinated with your content. It is truly inspiring. :)

Undergraduate / "to unite my passions" - What makes Stanford perfect for me? [29]

My throat clicked as I watched the bow dolefully stroke its hair; my eyes glimmered with nostalgic tears as I absorbed the violin's tender melodies. Ever since I witnessed the simple beauty of the second movement of Dvorak's Violin Concerto, I sought to re-create the wistful longing that accompanied the dulcet tone.

How is this for a start? My plan now is to introduce the reader to both my passions, state my passion to reconcile these passions, and to state what I can do at Stanford to fulfill my passion.

Undergraduate / "to unite my passions" - What makes Stanford perfect for me? [29]


I perused yours and a few others grad essays, and had a question: By specific reasons, do you mean specific details of the school itself, or specific things I do?

Thanks again ^^

Undergraduate / Something about me that will help my roommate know me better [11]


I agree... I was a little unsatisfied with that statement. Thanks for clearing that up!


Oh yeah... I had trouble thinking up a different word than qualities... would simply "superficiality" work? or how about "superficial approval" ? I actually think this would make more sense.


Well... this is only an opinion. I mean, if a friend is trying to take over the world, of course you can't help him do that. By support, I meant to lead a friend the "right" way. So you would support him by not helping him do evil things... do you know what I mean? I think I'll have to find a better word then... For now, until I can figure out how to change it, I think I'll leave it as it is :/