Writing Feedback / "Brand is Me"--About myself as if I'm a brand [2]

Hi everyone! this is an first assignment I got for my class I'm taking during summer! Could you please give me some feedback? My weakness is my grammar since English is my second language! It will still be helpful if any of you could give me feedback on one of the paragraphs. Thank you in advance for your support!

1. Who am I? You are to look at yourself as a "brand". List your achievements, key skills and attributes, education, and where you are right now.

I am a girl, who lives in a busy city that never sleeps called Tokyo. I am always surrounded by neon lights, tall buildings and trends; I am definitely a city girl. I attended the International School of Sacred Heart in Tokyo from third grade. I could not speak any English at all but I eventually improved so I am bilingual now. During my nine years of a student life at an international school, I am confident to say that I understand the importance of diversity. I absorbed so many cultures, traditions and trends in different parts of the world by interacting with my classmates. It was a place where it had no boarders. Comprehending diversity of this world might not be a tangible skill, but I believe that diversity is what makes this world extremely interesting therefore, I have always considered "Understanding the significance of diversity" as one of my accomplishments. After graduating from high school, I took a gap year to take an internship at an international law firm. I am admitted as a paid intern and I am currently the youngest one working in my firm. Since I have an experience in the "real-world", I believe that I am more mature, adept and broad-minded than a normal girl in my age.

2.What do I need to do to improve the perception of my brand?

Many people has been telling me that I do not easily get influenced by others. To make it short, I am stubborn. Although some people say being stubborn is a positive trait, it can be negative as well because when people are too stubborn, they just could be selfish and egotistical. I believe I have to accept more others' opinion. Even if I do not agree to those opinions, I should respect and consider them as outcomes that might occur.

3. What is your vision for your brand? What do you envision for your career?
I want my brand to be outstanding and shining. Since I have always been in a diverse environment, being different to others in nationality or race is common to me. Therefore, I think being diverse in variant ways such as skills, achievements and experience could make my brand stand out. I also wish to be shining. I am not only talking about my appearance but I want to cultivate my character as well so that I could shine from inner side of myself.

4. If I were a car, what brand/model would I be?
I am not sure what kind of car I am today but if I succeed to become myself that I want to be in the future then, I know what kind of car I would to be in the future; Tesla Motors. There are several reasons why I would be Tesla. Tesla is famous for their electronic cars. Their car is eco-friendly because they run with zero emission. For a Tesla car, driving is its happiness and being eco-friendly could make the world happy so I want to live like Tesla. I want to enjoy what I am doing but at the same time, I want to accomplish something amiable that could make others pleased. Also, another characteristics that is essential to Tesla is their speed. At times, it is better to take things slow but I am a fast reader and worker. I have a confidence that I do not make people feel uncomfortable because I can read the atmosphere and situation easily. I am a fast worker however, it is only for the things I favor.

Tesla Motors are unique and untypical. I believe that people could be diverse when they can express themselves in various ways. I could show my diversity through my experience in an international school and a law firm, which is a extremely rare experience for a girl in my age. Lastly, Tesla is still evolving. Age will not be a factor to make me stop learning. I still want to keep assimilating no matter how old I am. Tesla Motors are still evolving into a sophisticated car and their future expectation is high and it receives lots of attention from various people. I do not want to stop learning and absorbing from the things in this world.

Undergraduate / "I am Diverse; experience at an international school" - USD short supplement [2]

As a Catholic University committed to building a more inclusive community, we value students with diverse backgrounds and experiences. Briefly explain how your unique background and interests will contribute to our community.

I am diverse. I felt the importance of diversity in this world from attending to an international school. Although we were all different in nationalities, religion and backgrounds, we all prayed together in a Sacred Heart church. My diverse experiences at my school helped me to comprehend more broadly.

Attending to an international school was a rare experience. It was the most surprising moment when I saw my classroom filled up with girls that were from all around the world. Everyone was different in particular ways; nationalities, religion and perspectives. There were numerous circumstances that shocked me during my 10 years at my school. There were girls who already had piercing when they were in 3rd grade and that does not usually happen in Japan. There were girls who spoke five languages and who practiced Ramadan every year. I did not apperceive any of them before. The most valuable thing I absorbed was not academic facts but the essence of diversity. There are still some racism in this world and it will not vanish completely because it is the way how people assume and it is not easy to change it. However, since I learned various things about this world that I did not know before, I started to appreciate god for creating this world diverse; it makes this world so attractive.

My experience at an international school can contribute to USD community. Being an international student might be difficult but I want to show other students new perspectives and cultures that they never knew before. I want people to understand more about Japan. There are countless things that we all do not know yet and I want to accomplish and provide those knowledge at USD. I will bring diversity to USD community.

English is my second language so there might be many grammar mistakes so if you find any, please let me know!
Thank you so much for your support in advance!

Undergraduate / Law and Marketing. UC prompt----"My gap year" [NEW]

Tell us about a personal quality, talent, accomplishment, contribution or experience that is important to you. What about this quality or accomplishment makes you proud, and how does it relate to the person you are?

A gap year; many people think it is an erroneous idea to do. However, I'm proud to say that my gap year was the most educational, valuable and memorable in 19 years of my life. Life is long but we can only have it once. I am not regretting the decisions I made and I never felt proud this much of myself. I want to pursue my dreams like my classmates but I took a different road and I landed on a place called Baker&McKenzie where I actually began to strive my dreams. The people I worked with were all adults; they were educated and experienced but I did not have any of them so there were countless things that I have learnt and felt such as essence of diversity and communication. I believe that they are things that people can never absorb at school. I can say that my gap year broaden my perspectives and helped me to grow up as a person.

When I decided to take a gap year, I went to see my old family friend, who is a CEO of Credit Suisse Japan by chance. That was when I first realized the significance of communication. Then it motivated me to see more people such as CEO of Wipro Japan, and a lawyer of Baker&Mckenzie. They were graduated from International schools in Tokyo like myself and I was so amazed how their student life was similar to mine and reached to their position now. Finally all those connections guided me to land where I can seek one of my dreams. I am working in the Business Development/ Marketing department at an International law firm, Baker&Mckenzie in Tokyo. I attend seminars that were held by lawyers to learn real business and communication skills from their legal business experiences. I also once had a opportunity to work with a automobile company called, Tesla Motors. I assimilated countless things from both firms such as communication skills, time and connection importance. I met so many educated people but I think attending to good schools are not the most important but experiencing and meeting new people are the best way to educate yourself so I believe it is important to decide where you want to go, not by their ranks. Both firms encouraged me to strive hard for my dream; Law and Marketing.

I am clearly sure that I became more sophisticated and smart in various way during my gap year. If i did not taken a gap year, I would have gotten the chance to experience and learn things from amazing people. I am proud to say that it is the most memorable accomplishment, contribution and experience in 19 years of my life.

English is my second language so please check my grammar mistakes! If you find any sentences unnecessary, please let me know!
Thank you so much!

Undergraduate / UC essay " My world is full with connections" [2]

Describe the world you come from ― for example, your family, community or school ― and tell us how your world has shaped your dreams and aspirations.

A blank piece of paper will represent my world. I draw a stick man who will represent myself. I start writing significant things in my life and I draw a line between them; my world is full with connections. The connections I have with people, my community and this earth itself. The connections I built shape my dreams which is marketing, law and fashion and, color my world with numerous colors.

The connections I evolved with people are like lands in my world; they are different and necessary. Every one of them affected my life in someway but some of them shaped my dreams and aspirations more than other people such as my father and my boss at a company I work for. My father explained to me how marketing is the basic of every business. He teaches me marketing skills such as branding when we are just shopping. Even if marketing is back office job and not a glamorous job, he helped me to discover marketing as my fascination.

My boss at a company where I am interning recently shaped my dream as well. I work at the Business Development/ Marketing Department at a law firm called Baker&Mckenzie. She is the who one who connected me with a new field of business; legal marketing. Many people do not connect some businesses with marketing such as law firms and hospitals but she taught me how marketing and law are necessities for every business in this world and it is also a creative side of business. Also working at Baker&Mckenize effected me to want to work in an international firm more because it is not male domination comparing to Japanese firms. I am not sure how many people I met in 19 years of my life but all of them influenced me and I find the connections I have with people are priceless.

The connection I make with my community is like an ocean in my world; it is deep and different. I am from an International school community. Like ocean waves have different sizes and shapes,my community are diverse in races, religion and backgrounds. we all strive to be different individually yet function together as a group. My life changed the moment I entered to an International school. It helped me to spot what I want to value in this world and that is diversity. It expanded my outlook on life and I can proclaim that I would not be who I am now if I did not attend International School; it is my basis. I believe that it helped me to grow as a person. It developed various perspectives about history, culture and traditions. I can see histories as third person, I can adapt different ways of greeting people such as I bow for my Japanese teacher but shake hands with my English teacher and I understand about Ramadan and other Islamic beliefs. I believe that diversity does not only mean people with different nationalities but to have your own character and be original. To be unique, to have your own opinion and to be yourself make this world diverse.This is why I want to work in an International firm. I want to use my bilingual skills, share different perspectives and prove how diversity makes this world extremely entertaining.

A colorful piece of paper will represent my world and it is filled in with various colors. I am still missing some but I am going to add those colors from now on. There are countless people who shaped my dreams. However, not only the people I have met, everything in every moment is somehow influencing my life. My dreams, aspirations and my world is never-ending and beyond imagination. I can turn anything into something I never imaged and I am going to keep initiating connections with numerous people to help this world become amusing.

English is my second language so I am sure that there are so many grammar mistakes and I feel like it's too long so if you find something unnecessary, please tell me!

Thank you!