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Posts by yloot
Joined: Oct 17, 2010
Last Post: Oct 29, 2010
Threads: 5
Posts: 23  

From: Anguilla

Displayed posts: 28
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yloot   
Oct 26, 2010
Grammar, Usage / I wish I didn't say that. I wish I hadn't said that. [5]

I wish I hadn't said that : its all about the past
means you regret having said something,you said it and its all in the past, you cant change the fact that you said it,

I wish I didn't say that : its about the future or present, you are expressing that you want this situation in the present (or future) to be different.
yloot   
Oct 26, 2010
Undergraduate / About working in partnership with others--Kenyon supplement essay [3]

subject is good but i think you should reread it and revise the narration errors that seem to be off to you...

I can give you few examples that caught my eye:

The air was freezing. After glancing at the whole auditorium, which was filled with more than 200 teachers and students, my hands sweated worse.

I think in here, you should mention about the fact that you are in a debating competition because there is a gap between this sentence and second paragraph. You jump so fast to describing debating rounds.

to panic but calm down. She was appeased. Then I

In here, as far as i understand you wanted to keep your sentences short and focused but "She was appeased" is a weird way to say it,

"So internet addiction is an individual issue rather than a social issue."to restate our position and perfect our performance.

I got what you meant here but after few reads - i couldnt decide if you are trying to point out that it was a great argumant or a repetitive weak one-, Maybe you could write it as: Only six seconds left. I grabbed the microphone and uttered a few cliched, repetitve?? -use an adjective to define the value of you sentence clearly- words in order to restate our position and perfect our performance: "So internet addiction is an individual issue rather than a social issue."

these are the few points i could think of reading it for the first time, There can be grammatical errors that i cant fix,check it.
yloot   
Oct 26, 2010
Undergraduate / Describe your environment, "Buffy the vampire slayer" [4]

There is a Quaker saying: "Let your life speak." Describe the environment in which you were raised-your family, home, neighborhood or community-and how it influenced the person you are today. (200-250 words)

"It's not Turkey, That's for sure." responded my sister when I asked her about the place where TV people lived. It was the glorious end of 1990s,first days of my school life, when for the first time she invited me to join her, to watch "Buffy the Vampire Slayer". Though not overtly significant it was an event of gargantuan importance. An event that started a decade long tradition of "Sisterhood of Media Hunting" and introduced me with the concept of "countries": other places beyond borders

I asked many questions trying to understand what she meant by saying "Not Turkey". She didn't care enough to answer so I started my own search for answers; the endless spy game. First mission was to decipher the language of the "vampires", and then numerous missions came: finish reading books, watch more movies, and so on. And only after learning about the other countries I came to distinguish, What was Turkey and what was not: Visiting your grannies every single weekend to finishing every meal that they give you was Turkey, leaving elders to care houses was not. Being the child of your parents until the day you die was Turkey, growing up at the age of 18 was not. Learning all about the strong coffee, the people who wear turban, with people who do not wear turban, the dance, the foods, the ideologies, I became the person who is aware of her surroundings and who is appreciative of the opportunities. With the limitations of my country i became more determined in pursue of my ambitions. Now I know what being a Turk is,its my perspective, its my difference, it's a faith I would never change.

But i must say,in my cultural discovery,ironically i owe awfully a lot to Buffy
Can you help me with editing?
yloot   
Oct 26, 2010
Letters / "the position of process engineer" - introduce myself on job interview [5]

Good morning, it's my pleasure to meet you.
My name is baixue, i was born in genhe, a small town in the east of inner mongolia . I am still living in Genhe, where i also attended jilin university to major in chemistry in 1988.

I would like to be considered for the position of Process engineer.
My work experience is listed as following:
I had come to shanghai in december 2004 in order to work. In the past five years, i have been working in ** company. In this company, my responsability is: repeat synthesis to recipe qualification, pilot produce and enlarge produce ? production in productive department. Theb I write S.O.P to product operator and i give quality the technical date of new products to control department. The departments which include r&D,QC and PD must work together to enlarge the new product ? production . I am also responsible for enabling those department to communicate.

In addition to the technical experience,i have also been a manager for the polyeater labratory(inculding 5s and safety ???). I have the intenal audit experience of ISO 9000 and ISO 14001 OHSAS 18000

i have strong responsibility and communication abilities , i am hard working and open-minded.
A position in your company would be a great learning experience for me.
It is a great opportunity, and if i am lucky enough i look forward to becoming part of the your team.
thank you.

Hi yuato, i tried fixing it a little bit more but still the sections in red are hard to understand
what do you mean by intenal audit experinece
and these kind of stuff
yloot   
Oct 25, 2010
Undergraduate / If TUFTS was a book - Why Tufts essay [5]

Wheater this essay is good or worthless, which one?

If Tufts was a book, The New York Times would say "Galvanizing People and changing lives- academic yet equally alive", The Guardian will praise it by saying "***** a masterpiece, a worldly source for people from every nation to find something common and unite", and back cover synopsis would summarize my chapter in it as:"A young girl's adventures to find her undecided identity. Enjoying the unparalleled minor in MCMS with its interdisciplinary course selection,spending hours in the cubicles of Tisch Library,refining her creative expression with TuftsDaily and TUTV, rediscovering languages and filling the sadly empty blog of Tuftsfilmworks the only question remains is Will her hectic bliss go on forever?"

and I can say if tufts was a book, it would be a one that worth reading.
yloot   
Oct 25, 2010
Research Papers / Outline for a five paragraph research paper on Michael Jackson [2]

:D nobody can make you an outline but we can guide you.
first decide on which aspect of michael jackson you will focus Is it his songs,career,personal life
decide on it and write as "Social Criticism in lyrics of Michael Jackson song" (just an example)
than break down it to paragraphs for example
1st paragraph "they dont care about us"
2nd Earth song
3rd blaskjldad
4rth snfkaskf
and compare and contrast all the things you discussed in the conclusion paragraph and reach a conclusion,a decision

hope it helps
yloot   
Oct 25, 2010
Undergraduate / The values of knowledge and leadership - Yale supplement essay [7]

i cant fix the grammer but the overall feeling i got from the essay is that
you are a leader
you can use your language (liked the opening)
you are knowledgable enough to enter competitions
you are self confident
thirsty for knowledge
you know how to work as a team
yloot   
Oct 24, 2010
Undergraduate / "MANY TICKS TO A ROAR" What makes you tick? [9]

I think you need to evaluate each sentence and decide if it makes a complete thought and determine whether it leads logically to the next.

hope this helps :)

THANK YOU VERY MUCH FOR HELPING,i got 4 day left for my deadline and that's why i bit stressed

PS: "insatiable monster" mentioned above is not a metaphor for the cookie monster, or a vampire It symbolizes the thirst for creation and knowledge that inhabits me.
yloot   
Oct 24, 2010
Undergraduate / "MANY TICKS TO A ROAR" What makes you tick? [9]

[i]I am running. Running to be first, running to achieve. I am breathless but I won't give up, I am too close now, I feel the throbbing of my appendix in my belly, it starts hurting."Hold on" I say to myself. Almost... And I am there!

-In the print center exactly 3 minutes before the printing deadline It set.
I reach out my hand with the usb stick and say "2000 copies please". It's one of my favorite parts of the creating a monthly newspaper, observing the look that starts to shape the features of the photocopier. He grumbles indistinctly ,I grin and say "Yes, it is the that time of the month".

Unlike the grumpy photocopy guy, two...

its the last edited version i added few personalizations i would really appreciate some editing
yloot   
Oct 24, 2010
Undergraduate / (Model United Nations) - CommonApp Short Answer [5]

many people write mun but every perspective is different. I am also an MUN'er and i think that the puerto rico-us-international relationship that you draw out is good.

"As an American citizen living in Puerto Rico, I feel both a part of the U.S. and apart from the U.S., which has made me sensitive to the cultural differences between Latin America and the U.S."

liked it.

maybe you could personalize it a little bit more with this kind of insights

overall i like the narration.
yloot   
Oct 23, 2010
Undergraduate / "MANY TICKS TO A ROAR" What makes you tick? [9]

I fixes some things this is the 2nd Version, Is there any other grammatical errors to fix? I cant spot them so easily because english is my second language.

How about the effect that inspires, Is it any good?
yloot   
Oct 22, 2010
Undergraduate / "MANY TICKS TO A ROAR" What makes you tick? [9]

For some, it's politics or sports or reading. For others, it may be researching solar power fuel cells or arranging hip-hop mash-ups. What makes you tick? (200-250 words)

I am running. Running to be first, running to achieve. I am breathless but I won't give up, I am too close now, I feel the throbbing of my appendix in my belly, it starts hurting."Hold on" I say to myself. Almost... And I am there!

-In the printing center exactly 3 minutes before the printing deadline It set.

I reach out my hand with the usb stick and say "2000 copies please". Watching the incredulous look that starts to shape photocopier's features, is one of my favorite parts of creating a monthly newspaper. As he grumbles indistinctly, I grin and say "Yess, it's that time of the month."

Unlike the grumpy photocopy guy, 2000 members of my high school, don't irk with the sight of our exotic French-German newspaper: "Die Langues Des Welt". Quite the contrary they seem to read it and especially enjoy our cultural articles such as "German vs Turks: The Dönerkebab Fights". But its only me who loves the creation of this newspaper so profoundly and I must say it is purely out of selfish intentions. This newspaper enables me to merge everything I like in approximately 40 silky A5 papers and I feel like a spoiled child who can have all the toys, without choosing. I am a non-Prada wearing editor, an artsy page layout designer, a researcher, a trilingual thinker, and an advocate of my culture in a brand new language. With all these "Des Langues Die Welt" merges my many mini "tickings" into a one loud song and lulls the insatiable monster inside me.

what do you think, thanks in advance.
yloot   
Oct 20, 2010
Undergraduate / "Heaven or Tufts" short answer essay [5]

What i do, or what i study must have a stong focus on my lifelong interest: communication and media studies, yet hold space for something bigger, better and unknown. With hours spent thinking,dancing,painting,debating and laughing in this place;i should fly over the clouds with the joy of self expression, be far away from home and in a collective environment where people from all over the world gather to share experiences. Searching this place so far i narrowed my list to two options Tufts and Heaven,considering that i am too young to go to heaven, i would choose Tufts with its minor in CMS and majors in endless other fields suitable to my interests

This is new,
Which one do you think would be better after corrections and improvements
yloot   
Oct 20, 2010
Undergraduate / "Heaven or Tufts" short answer essay [5]

1. Which aspects of Tufts' curriculum or undergraduate experience prompt your application? In short: ''Why Tufts?'' (50-100 words)

So far when people asked me about,what i want to study in university,i answered sharply:"Communications and Media" and got the approving words stating that it would "fit me".But now having discovered myself and other worlds a little bit more,i think:Why limit yourself with something that already fits you?I can study Communications and Media and also major in economics using the years of IB HL Maths for a good cause, study Art history discussing Islamic art of Mediterranean with people who had never seen the sea or focus on the Human Factor understanding the Media from its roots.I want a place with endless combinations, a place far away from my home,somewhere i can find new fields that "fits me", where people from all over the world gathers and exchange experiences. Searching this place so far i narrowed down my list to two locations:Heaven and Tufts, considering that i am too young to go to heaven, i would choose Tufts with its minor in CMS and majors in endless other fields.

this is far above the word limit but it still fits to the charachter limit that the common application section gives. I dont understand? What sections,words,phrases can i omit to reduce the word count?

What do you think about the content.
not a native speaker.
thanks.
yloot   
Oct 19, 2010
Undergraduate / "I became the promotional designer" - extracurricular eloboration Essay. [10]

In my junior year,I won a design competition and became the promotional designer of the "____" Short Movie Contest(a movie contest among high schools with a nationwide renown jury).But the initial bliss of success turned quickly into a bane of responsibilities that started to fill my To-Do lists and I soon became obligated to work with an inflexible deadline,a bossy organizator and the duty of designing all the posters,billboards,t-shirts,tickets and awards.With the increasing number of sleepless nights and decreasing levels of energy,I started asking myself,Why I am doing this?The answer came when a relative called me to ask about the designs that she had seen all over the city with my name on them(I later found out that my full name was added under the designs).In weeks time with rapidly spreading prints,the calls and praises continued and they brought me offers for design jobs.Now with a grin under my blood-stricken eyes,i enjoy my trival paychecks and unexpected success.

Which one do you think better as whole this one or the old one?
considering as an admission officer
yloot   
Oct 18, 2010
Undergraduate / "I became the promotional designer" - extracurricular eloboration Essay. [10]

I am so thankful to you for all these corrections. Can i ask you one last question?
Should i put the sentence starting with "I later found out.." into paranthesis? Or not?
I feel like there is a transition gap between ... with my name on them and with rapidly spreading posters

In my junior year, I won a design competition and became the promotional designer of the "_____" Short Movie Contest(a movie contest among high schools with a nationwide renown jury).But the initial bliss of success turned quickly into a bane of responsibilities that started to fill my To-Do lists and soon I became obligated to work with an inflexible deadline,a bossy organizator and the duty of designing all the posters,billboards,t-shirts,tickets and awards.And i started asking myself,Why I am doing this?The answer came when an acquaintance called me to ask about the designs that she had seen all over the city with my name on them(I later found out,much to my suprise,that my full name was added under the designs). With rapidly spreading posters and billboards,the calls and praises continued and they brought me offers for small design jobs.Now with a grin on my face,i enjoy the trivial paychecks and success that came from where it was least expected.
yloot   
Oct 17, 2010
Undergraduate / "I became the promotional designer" - extracurricular eloboration Essay. [10]

thanks a lot that helped me a lot
i changed the grammatical mistakes and some words in order to strengthen the meaning.

In my junior year, I won a design competition and became the promotional designer of the "_____" Short Movie Contest(a movie contest among high schools with a nationwide renown jury).But the initial bliss of success turned quickly into a bane of responsibilities that started filling my To-Do lists and I soon was obligated to work with an inflexible deadline,a bossy organizator and the duty of designing all the posters,billboards,t-shirts,tickets and awards.And i started asking myself Why I am doing this?The answer came when an acquaintance called me to ask about the designs that she had seen all over the city with my name on them.(I later found out,much to my suprise,that my full name was added under the designs.)Day by day with spreading posters and billboards,the calls and praise continued and it brought me offers of small design jobs.Now with a grin on my face,i enjoy the trivial paychecks and success that came from where it was least expected.
yloot   
Oct 17, 2010
Undergraduate / "I became the promotional designer" - extracurricular eloboration Essay. [10]

In my junior year, i won a design competition, and became the promotional designer of the "_____" Short Movie Contest (a movie contest among high schools with its nationwide known jury).The bliss of the winning turned quickly into the bane of the responsibilities that started filling my To-Do lists and I soon became obliged to work with an inflexible deadline,a bossy organizator and the responsibility of designing all the posters,billboards,t-shirts,tickets and awards.As i started asking myself Why? The answer came from an acquaintance calling me to ask about the designs that she had seen all over the city with my name on them.With fastly spreading posters and billboards, the calls and praise continued and peeked with the offers of small design jobs. Now after understanding the value of appreciation, with a wide grin instead of my initial frustrated look, I enjoy the occasional joy of spending my trivial paychecks.

not a native speaker.
What do you think?
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