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Posts by Traycat
Joined: Oct 18, 2010
Last Post: Jan 6, 2011
Threads: 4
Posts: 9  

From: Nepal

Displayed posts: 13
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Traycat   
Jan 6, 2011
Undergraduate / Onions=Strength - common app essay [3]

Please help me out with any sort of errors and suggestions. And is my topic quite awkward? Please do suggest me a better topic. I wrote this down on a great hurry..please help!!

Prompt: Topic of your choice (Common Application essay)

Onions

"In onion there is strength." That is what the video store clerk said at least once in a day. He frequently used to shoot out weird unheard quotes while in conversation and he really enjoyed it. And he knew like a million quotes; a mastery achieved through years of movie consumption. But he had a particular zeal for this "onion" one and I too liked it although we both didn't have the slightest clue what it really meant. Actually, I thought he made this one by himself. I even liked it more when he said it.

I used to rent a lot of movies because I was quite lonely back then and I really didn't have many friends. And there was this guy; a video store clerk with whom I had grown quite close. Every time, when I went to the store, the clerk and I would gossip about movies and music. Once, he recommended me a Ken Burns documentary, so I rented the film. I watched it but I didn't enjoy it. So, I brought it back to the store next day and I found that the clerk was really eager to hear my perspective about the film. And then things started to get worse. I lied. I told him it was really great. I really don't know why I told him that because I am not actually a people pleaser. Perhaps, I didn't want to disrespect his choice. Anyway, I quickly discovered it was first of the five disc series. So, he ended up giving me disc two.

I hated it more than I hated the last one. So, I was determined to go back and tell him the truth this time. But when I got there and looked at those eager eyes, I just couldn't utter the truth. I lied again. I said disc two is even better that the first one. And the cycle continued on. Every day, I was "forced" to rent the series and all this time I could not tell him the truth. I didn't have to watch those films, but then every day he would talk to me about the film he previously rented me. So, I was trapped literally.

I began to get infuriated each time I saw the film and by the time when I finished watching the fifth disc, I had got really mad. I just couldn't believe myself. This clerk made me watch those dumb films, all five of them and I was there, completely doing nothing about it. I couldn't get this off of my mind and I just couldn't let him win. Now, I really wanted to tell him that his films were dreary. But then on my way to the store, something hit me in my mind. There was no point on blaming him. I realized that I created this situation and led myself through it. Had I told him before that I didn't find the film analogous to my taste, I wouldn't waste my time. And what difference would it make now? I didn't go to the store; I came back to home and thought about this for a moment.

I realized it wasn't about winning or losing. Instead, if I had expressed my anger to the clerk, things could have got worse. I pictured of the affable clerk and I wondered how upset he would be, if had showed my madness. For a moment, I thought of myself as a child, as fragile and new to the ways of the world; a child who couldn't figure between guilt and innocence. I blamed myself for my "near" immature behavior. But then, I also thanked myself for not telling the ugly truth to the clerk. I learned that sometimes it is better to hide the truth and sometimes it is better to be a people pleaser.

Now I see the funny side of the story. This mere clerk and this mere event made me wonder about my attitude. It is quite amazing to learn that even tiniest moment in life can make changes large enough in a person. Even a small respect can win a heart. Even an onion- a mere vegetable, has strength. I guess, I finally figured out the significance behind the saying. I thought of the clerk as the onion who had the strength to make me watch those films. Or maybe the Ken Burns documentary itself was the onion. But, in reality I was the onion who summoned my strength not to tell the truth but to hide the truth. I went to the store few days later. I told him the actual meaning behind the saying. And then, I gave him the film and I proudly said "Don't you have new Ken Burns documentaries?"
Traycat   
Jan 6, 2011
Undergraduate / What are the main factors that contribute to good health? [3]

We may take away our house or money, we can survive. However, without our health we will die....I found this whole sentence quite awkward..

Try this.. We may survive without house or money, but without a good health, we are bound to die....

For me, being healthy eating, no smoking and keep up my social life are the main factors that contribute to my good health...again you've messed the whole thing

Try this... For me, healthy diet and a good social bonding are major factors that make me healthy.

Good luck
Traycat   
Jan 6, 2011
Book Reports / "The Beauty of the Beast" - The Picture of Dorian Gray- Standard Editing [2]

As far I am concerned, your sentence structures and grammar's fine.
But you really need to make your essay quite interesting. There's plenty of unwanted details in your essay, Try to cut them.
Try to focus on the theme. Your tense is just fine. Don't worry

Good luck
Traycat   
Jan 4, 2011
Undergraduate / "Creating A Better World" - Sophie Davis admission essay [3]

something that would no doubtcertainly make my family proud. ..

Too many people are not able to ....

Try to bring variations in sentences.I found your sentence structures quite boring.that's all I can say.

Good luck.
Traycat   
Jan 4, 2011
Undergraduate / "The snowballs effect, a doctor" - Sophie Davis Admission [4]

...so people died as a result of not having simple remedies us, in America, took for granted.
Something wrong..try this...so people died as a result of not having simple remedies, but in America people took it for granted...something like that.

During middle school, my mother and I decided to find time for other things
Try this..During middle school, my mother and I decided to look out for other things..

Good luck
Traycat   
Dec 25, 2010
Undergraduate / Designing a course: St olaf supplement [3]

Please help me out with any sort of errors.

Question: During Interim, students pursue a single course, often of an interdisciplinary nature. If you could design your own Interim course today, what would it be? What areas of knowledge would you combine? (250-500)

If I were to design a course, I would develop a multi-cultural interim course in team management, a course that covers the aspects of various culture, ethnics and understanding of diverse disciplines. And my course would incorporate areas of study such as culture, ethnics, social sciences and sociology. One of the important reasons for this is because the human population is getting more diverse each year, and learning to work with different groups of people would be very important in the near future.

Thanks to globalization, the world is getting more diverse each year. And in this globalized world stereotyping can be dangerous in any type of work, because it tries to say something about an entire group of people, and leaves individual differences out in the cold. So my course would have perspectives about the management of diverse work force. For example, it would include studies related to how people expressed and managed tensions related to diversity, whether those who had been traditionally underrepresented in the organization felt respected and valued by their colleagues, and how people interpreted the meaning of their racial identity at work. By identifying the conditions that intervene between the demographic composition of a work group and its functioning, my course would try to give detailed study about ways to improve efficiency in work.

I would also like to approach my course from a sociological perspective. By studying the structure of a work group, my course would give the basis for decision making. Why a certain decision is creating unnecessary misunderstanding between workers? Why a certain decision is biased towards a certain ethnic group? And why it is creating racism? These sorts of questions could be addressed with the help of sociological perspective.

Also, while disputes or tension at work are inevitable because of racial differences, it is considered unlawful for employers to discriminate or treat employees less favorably because of his or her race, color, or ethnic characteristics. So by understanding the cultures and races of people, any sort of decisions could be carried out safely without creating havoc. In this case, my course would cover studies from cultural and racial perspective.
Traycat   
Dec 25, 2010
Undergraduate / I was surrounded with the most hospitable people; "Let your life speak" - Tufts [4]

sisters, aunts, uncles, and grandparents thatwho aren't related by blood

I never participated in drugs or alcohol because I realized ...(this seems quite awkward)
Try this...I never took drugs...OR...I never participated in taking drugs....

Great essay..I should say
Good luck.
Traycat   
Oct 27, 2010
Undergraduate / "Being a twin" University of Madison App [4]

Great writing!! But I believe you could have written better.
I think you did not answer the question well. Well, you much concentrated on your twin story rather than answering the question. Instead of focusing on the story, you could have written more about how you will contribute to the the college(You have written just 3-4 last sentences regarding this)

Though stick with the twin comparison analogy.

If I were you, I would stick with the twin comparison analogy and then gradually would write more about how will I contribute to the society.

As far as I'm concerned, I didn't find any grammatical errors.
Traycat   
Oct 27, 2010
Undergraduate / "books and study materials donation program" Helping hands- Common app short question [3]

Prompt was Common App's -Please briefly elaborate on one of your extracurricular activities or work experiences in the space below (150 words or fewer).
Please help me with any sort of grammatical errors and you can feel free to edit it if needed. I appreciate criticism!!

I've always felt pity for poor children who could not afford quality education and I wanted to help them. My dream came true when I came up with an idea of books and study materials donation program. I and my friends from my school collected about four thousand books, four PCs and some sports equipments to donate to Shree Singhkali School-a poor school in Solukhumbhu district which is considerably one of the most remote places of the country. Walking about 10 hours on rough terrain under the scorching sun with dirty mules which carried the books, just for the sake of donation was truly a remarkable experience. The only sense of relief I felt was when the children cheered when they saw new books and computers. And, when ABC television network covered and telecasted our program nationally, it sparked enthusiasm among other students to start a welfare project like ours. In a way, the whole project was inspiring too.
Traycat   
Oct 24, 2010
Undergraduate / "embroidery, the Chinese Cultural Experence Campus"- my common app [6]

You have a good style of writing. But you could have written better.

Personally, I think you should go more in depth. You could have been more expressive about your feelings, emotions and how this event/act affected your life rather than focusing on the details of the story.

If I were you, I would merge the first four paragraphs into just two(perhaps) and then add a new paragraph focusing on your feelings, quite similar to the last paragraph.

The grammar's fine as far as I am concerned. But I found some errors.

...a striped scarf which can hardly be tied around my neck.

I felt quite awkward reading this : He sent it to her that winter and that girlshe is now my sister-in-law.

....that she had also fallen in love with the art of embroidering.embroidery

...I spent a week and a half embroidering a scarve with an image of love story.

...Mom still dangles all her keys on it today .

Good luck with your writing.
Traycat   
Oct 23, 2010
Undergraduate / "The gift of fait from grandfather" - The thing I value the most (Common app essay) [3]

Is this a joke???...Seriously man!!
Terrified... mortified... petrified... stupefied..hahaha
Thanks for the corrections. I didn't know I could write better!!
Thanks for the complements too.

It would be great to be a part of this website.

By the way, I didn't get you about the hovering mouse cursor thing!! I didn't get the 'link thing' either!!
Traycat   
Oct 18, 2010
Undergraduate / "The gift of fait from grandfather" - The thing I value the most (Common app essay) [3]

You can feel free to edit and rip off the essay to shreds. I appreciate negative criticism!!

The thing I value the most

"One day your life will flash before your eyes. Make sure it's worth watching." That is what my grandfather told me when he handed me his steel ring, just few days before he passed away. Whenever I think of that day, I picture the pale solemn look on my grandfather's face. I recall I stood next to the hospital bed where my dying grandfather laid and then he leaned uncomfortably and gazed me for a while, took out a steel ring from his trembling finger and gave it to me. I was in a state of deep sentimental shock then. I did not know how to react and I could not utter a word. Anyway I sported the ring. But unfortunately, about two weeks later I lost it.

All of my life, until I was eighteen years old, I had a misunderstanding of true sorrow and pure love. These feelings were something I had not experienced or witnessed before. This dates back to some months when my grandfather succumbed to deadly disease of dilated cardiomyopathy. My grandfather had developed diabetes while in his late forties and it made his health condition more severe. During his ailment I made frequent visits to the hospital to comfort him. Ironically, it was the only time I came up close with my grandfather because I never bothered to visit him. To be honest, I avoided him. However, this period of time helped shape an important turn in my life.

This bitter period of time brought me into a more realistic world. My naïve feelings dissolved into disorder right through the day I entered the hospital. I saw people moaning in pain; I saw frail men and women in anguish; I saw the trauma of poor tattered people who could not afford the treatment; I saw what I despised to see. The longer I stayed, the more I wanted to escape. But this was just not enough to melt my heart. Each day I visited my poor grandfather, I was bombarded with mingled sentiments. And then, when I was just beginning to develop "normal" relationship with my grandfather, he passed away. The reality was way too bitter for me.

During my period of mourning, I was the most upset not because we had lost a loving, caring man; I was much more upset because a horrible disease destroyed my grandfather's life before I could get to know what a strong willed and hard working man he was. This philanthropic man is the same who built a small non-profit school for needy children and who actively participated on charity programs. My grandfather had always been a strong man, a loving, genuine, kind, a compassionate man who answered the call when needed. This persevering man supported five sons, three daughters and a wife on teacher's salary. And since his death, I have been burdened with guilt. When my grandfather lived with us, I tried to avoid him as much as I could. Now, at the cusp of adulthood, I laugh at myself for being a coward. My culture, as well as myself, has always prized family as a major identity factor. Yet when it came to the point that I had to test myself with how much of my world I actually adhered to, I failed. I think about the ring all the time. How could I afford to lose it, when he could have meant something more about the ring? Still, I am not deterred; these reflections made me realize a truth that I would have never found out by myself.

I now realize that my grandfather taught me, without him knowing it, things that I will carry throughout my life. This event changed the way I perceive my life. It has shaped me, changed me, and caused me to have more respect for not just my life, but also the lives of my friends, family and the people I love and care for. Losing him made me wonder about myself and about my attitude in life. Gratitude became a part of my personality. I now understand that you shouldn't take anyone for granted, no matter who he is or how close he is to you. Life is precious and short. He let me understand how to deal with the pain of losing something dear to me. I could have learnt much more things from my grandfather had I not ignored him. I could have never understood love until I lost a huge part of it.

I finally figured out what my grandfather meant when he gave me his ring. The most secure thing in life is death. We are all visiting this world, someday we'll have to leave this life and maybe start a new one. He didn't leave it because it would remind me of him. He didn't leave it just for some act of generosity. In fact, I deserved more than the ring. He gave a very special gift before he left. A gift that I don't need to slide into my finger. A gift that I don't need to worry about losing it. My grandfather gave me the gift of faith. Part of him lives in my heart and when I see people wearing a shiny steel ring, I do not envy it. Instead, it cheers me up to leave my footprint on the world.
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