Undergraduate / "The Karate Dojo, we felt like black belts." (working as part of a group essay) [2]

I will be submitting this in less than an hour, so last minute feedback is desperately needed.

Describe a time when you worked as part of a group or team to complete a task or project. What were some of the difficulties encountered? How did you handle the situation? What was the ultimate outcome?

I wiped the sweat off my forehead with the back of my hand and regarded the boys in front of me with challenging eyes. I had thought this would be a simple exercise, and yet here I was, nearly gasping for air yet with nothing to show for it.

The main area of the karate dojo had been cleared, except for myself and eight other teenage pupils. In the middle of the mat rested a tennis ball, tauntingly close and yet so well protected by the three green belts that surrounded it. The object of the challenge was simple- get the tennis ball. My team and I paced nervously as we searched for a nonexistent opening. Yet, even though we outnumbered them, the green belts defense seemed impenetrable.

I scowled, clenching my fists in helpless frustration. We had already tried every strategy that we could imagine: double-teaming them with our superior numbers, creating distractions so that one person might slip by, and trying to overwhelm them one at a time. Our efforts rewarded us with no victory, only aches and rapidly forming bruises.

"This is stupid," Cody mumbled under his breath. "They're like ninjas." Under less frustrating circumstances, I would have laughed at his joke. Instead, I grumbled in agreement. My eyes slid from the boys who guarded the tennis ball to the blue mats beneath their feet. In my bitter thoughts, I wondered at the stupidity of the separate blue mats, which lay atop a dojo floor soft enough to absorb most of the impact of a falling body. Their presence seemed pointless.

My eyes widened. The extra mats were not there to soften anyone's fall, I realized. They were to our advantage.
"Guys, come here," I whispered urgently. My teammates flashed me identical looks of skepticism, but for lack of any plan, they gathered around and listened to my idea.

"We might as well give it a shot," Cody said. "Its not like anyone else has a better plan." There were brief mutters of agreement before everyone took up their positions. On an unspoken cue, three of my teammates sprang into action.

The green belts made short work of our poor assault on them, but the attack wasn't meant to break their defense. As they disabled the three attackers, Cody, Trent and I grabbed the mats beneath their feet and pulled as hard as we could.

To our delight- and great surprise- the plan worked. The green belts swung their arms wildly, trying to maintain their balance, but in the end two of them lost their footing and fell. Cody darted in the opening, dove, and grabbed the ball with one outstretched hand. We did not cheer or leap into the air for fear of appearing undisciplined before the master, but instead beamed with pride for our triumph. At that moment, we felt like black belts.

Undergraduate / "I have no clue who I am" - Admission Essay Topic of Choice [6]

I am submitting this in about an hour, so any critiques that you have would be GREATLY appriciated.

Who I am

"A college essay is supposed to be about you. If I pulled your essence out and put it on this paper, what would it say?"

Who am I? One of life's biggest questions, and it was posed to me five minutes before lunch. I stared dumbly back at my English teacher and my mouth, which usually spit out words at rapid fire, was silent.

If you asked a hundred different people who I was, you would get a hundred different answers. My father would tell you that I am an athlete, and the basketball that has taken up permanent residence in my jeep could attest to that. My best friend would tell you that I am a nerd, but considering that I can beat any boy at the video game Super Smash Brothers, I would take that as a compliment. My mother would tell you that I am a slob (admittedly, my room does look like it was attacked by the love child of a hurricane and a tornado).

But there are things about me that even the people closest to me do not know. Like how every time I look at the night sky, I am completely entranced. Studying astronomy is one of my greatest ambitions. Or how writing a novel is at the very top of my bucket list. I always have a dozen ideas in my head, and a few hundred word documents saved in a secret file. If you asked what my favorite book was, my father might guess the well worn copy of Ender's Game on the nightstand by my bed. If you asked me the same question, I would stare hopelessly at my giant bookshelf, feeling as confused as a mother asked to pick her favorite child.

But who am I? I am a tangled mess of contradictions and good intentions, with a few healthy doses of sarcasm thrown in. I label my Cds with movie quotes. I have actually watched the History Channel for no reason other than curiosity. I have been known to stay up all night, huddled outside with a blanket and a constellation book, trying to match the pictures with the stars. I will run three miles without complaint, but if given the choice between sprinting a hundred yards or having a leg amputated, I would respond, "so, I'm allowed to replace this with a prosthetic, right?" as I climbed onto the operating table.

Writing this essay has shown me something- I do not have a clue who I am. But I'm not worried. Judging by what I know so far, I'd say I sound like a pretty interesting person.

Undergraduate / "capable of making my own decisions" - appropriate essay? it is about drugs. [7]

Discuss a time when your beliefs were challenged. How did you handle the situation? What was the outcome?

I choose to write about this experience because, as a serious athlete, drug use represents the end of the spectrum that I stand against. It clashes harshly with my personal beliefs. However, I'm worried that it may still make admissions officers peg me as a 'bad egg' or something.

Like many Saturday nights before it, me and my friends had been aimlessly driving around a town that was too small for us. I sat in the backseat of Janine's car, crammed between Michael and Jessica, while Chase claimed the passenger seat and control of the radio. I had no reason to believe that this night would be different from any other, assuming that we might catch a late movie or stop for pizza, so I was thoroughly confused when Chase advised Janine to pull into an empty parking lot.

"I've got a surprise," he had said with a mischievous smile.
His surprise turned out to be a bag of marijuana. My first reaction was to chastise him, but I soon discovered that I was alone in my disgust; everyone else was eyeing the bag eagerly.

"Come on, Karlie. Its not a big deal," Janine had said, waving off my reluctance impatiently. "Just take one hit. You'll love it."

I declined, but they didn't want to take no for an answer. Before I knew it, I was under the pressure of four people who thought I was out to ruin their night. I wasn't sure what to do. Looking at the foul-smelling bag, I knew that smoking was not something that I wanted to try. It was unhealthy, stupid, and illegal. Not only that, but it could seriously jeopardize my basketball career. The risks just weren't worth it.

I suggested that we go swimming in my pool instead. At first, everyone seemed a little disappointed, but soon the idea of swimming on a warm summer night lightened the mood. Chase tucked the bag away and the subject wasn't brought up again. Worried about being influenced by their lifestyle, I eventually started to spend time with different friends.

This experience taught me that I have to be willing to stand up for myself. If I hadn't stood by my convictions, I might have indulged in an illegal activity that could have jeopardized my future. It also taught me that its okay to say 'no' to anything that I didn't want. I'm grateful for this experience, because it helped me prove to myself that I'm capable of making my own decisions, even when faced with disapproval from peers.

Undergraduate / "My Haven" - Common application essay [3]

Topic of your choice.

I walk into the gym, and suddenly I'm struck with a sudden sense of belonging. My head lifts, my shoulders straighten, and I feel ten feet tall. I pick up a basketball, letting my fingers glide over the leather pebbling, and bounce it once experimentally. As the ball returns to my hands- faithful, as always -I try to swallow the lump forming in my throat. Fourteen years of my life have been devoted to this sport; now I only have one season left.

To say what basketball means to me would take a thousand pages. Its more than just a game, more than a way to learn teamwork or how to handle competition. Basketball is <i>freeing.</i> With that ball in my hands, I'm able to just forget. To revert to my most basic instincts. There is no stress, only the smooth rhythm of moving into a well practiced shooting position. I don't have time to worry about anything when I'm on that court- every decision must be split-second. When you're in mid-air, trying to maneuver your body enough to get around an opponent while switching the ball from one hand to the other, you have to trust your instincts. It's a release- an escape from stressful life into a world where you're not judged based on appearance or intelligence, but heart.

I regard the basketball in my hands nostalgically. The little sphere of rubber and air that taught me about teamwork, friendship, hard work, and so much more. Looking up at the orange hoop, I resolve that this season won't mean the end. I don't need a uniform to be a basketball player. Twenty years from now, when I'm stressed out or just need a break, I'll still have a ball in my hands.

The Greek Gods found their haven in Olympus; I found mine on a long, wooden court.