Undergraduate / "Chinese/Taiwanese are very different" - Rice Perspective Essay [9]

I like the concept of it, but it's not really working, in my opinion. It seems like you're kind of putting yourself down in the beginning. I mean, you don't know what you will become in the future, you'll probably surprise yourself. Maybe if you cut your rant of "I'll never be" statements down to three maximum and then start talking about your normal-ness in the intro, it would be better. I actually like that it starts off with "I'm not the next Albert Einstein.", but from there it kind of went downhill fast and you spelled "van Gogh" wrong, jsyk.

I like the second paragraph, because it has a lot of personality to it. "Public" shouldn't be in all caps. "Only" four countries? Four is a lot, as far as I'm concerned, cut out "only". Cut out the bit about the teacher who graded your paper; you do not talk bad about school people in your essays because your essays will be read by other school people.

Maybe if you talked more about your normality and what it means to you in general, just to give the essay more focus.

Hope I helped :)

P.S. READ MINE PLEASE. i could really use some feedback..

Undergraduate / Oprah Winfrey + Winter Break + Programs - Syracuse Short Answer [3]

I don't think that the first question should be answered with an actual person. I think the question is asking you what kind of person you want to become.

For the second prompt, you are going to have to come up with something better than learning how to operate a vacuum. What did you learn about work ethic? Also, it seems like you were complaining in the beginning, like you were dreading working in the restaurant. It's okay if you were, but you probably shouldn't include that part in your college essay.

You need to be more specific in answering the third prompt, because the question is specific. Keep in mind that "sitting in a classroom and hearing lectures" is a big part of college, so don't put that down as unappealing. Really research the university's programs and if study abroad is what you are interested in, then talk about a specific location and why you are interested in it. The bit about "I would like to reunite one day..." does not really make that much sense and doesn't answer the prompt.

Hope I helped :)

Read mine??

Undergraduate / Play golf + Being responsible + Berlin Wall + Travel + Book in dormitory - Yale short [5]

"a country once divided was united again"

"I wish I was fluent in several languages."

"That way it would be very convenientas I plan to travel around the world in the near future."

"I would ask, "If you can keep only one book in your dormitory as a Yale's freshman , what would it be?"

Great answers... good luck!!

Read mine??

Undergraduate / "Sparta and Survival Instinct" - Stanford Short Essay. Intellectual Vitality. [16]

thank you so much. I don't know about the "me being me" thing, though. It makes sense to me, but it seems wrong in a way too.

anyone else??

Undergraduate / Advice on what to write supplemets for Pitzer and Stanford [5]

The first prompt is asking you how helpful responsibility, the understanding of other cultures, well-rounded education and independence are and how they pertain to the "challenges of your generation". First, you need to think about what these "challenges" are. Then, you have to write about how the aforementioned "values" will aid you in facing them. Just talk about how important these values are to have in life and write about specific challenges that you may face and how these values can help you.

I don't know what else to say about that one. It is challenging question.

For the Stanford prompt, I think that the fragility of life is a solid topic. You should post your draft so that people can read it, though. And just so you know, the max word count is 250 words for each of the prompts, disregard the number of characters available.

Hope I helped!

Read mine, please :)

Undergraduate / participation in organizations + extracurricular resources - Hopkins supplement [3]

1. You did not state outright what major(s) you wanted to pursue. It is imperative that you answer the prompt, and this essay doesn't quite do it. You have all the information to back up a decision, but you didn't actually state what that decision was.

2. The prompt specifically says to express activities "Aside from the academic interests" and you used the whole first paragraph to elaborate on that academic interest. Find something else at JH that you would be interested in and talk about that.

Other than those things, you grammar seems pretty good and your purpose is clear.

Good luck!

PLEASE, read mine??

Undergraduate / Rochester Short essay 150 words edit [10]

"carry out with my educational"

"college career as there is not a core curriculum "

"exaggerating my college career" is not a good way to put it. instead put something like "prolonging my college career"

it does follow the prompt and it is very clear.

The second essay isn't that great. The subject matter is nothing to get excited about. Not that you have to write something super exciting, but it needs to at least be mildly interesting. This is not going to cut it. It doesn't seem like a true obstacle, it just seems like a common occurrence, like "i didn't study, so i didn't do good on the test. But when i studied, i did good on the test."

Contrary to what the person above me said, the vocabulary is fine, in my opinion. it doesn't seem forced or like you are trying to impress anyone. I had to look up one of the words (gesticulating), but it was nothing major. Never dumb yourself down unless you aren't truly comfortable with using "giant words".

Good luck!

Read mine, please?

Undergraduate / Silence & Life without Writing - Common App Essay [4]

"I never thought anything"

"and my own contradictory message to the street"

"a regular, ol' AP English essay"
-get rid of the comma and i suggest you replace "ol'" with "old"

Awesome essay!! I loved it and it shows a lot about your character. It was really cool what you did and it all came together in the end.

Hope I helped :)

Read mine please??

Undergraduate / "Sparta and Survival Instinct" - Stanford Short Essay. Intellectual Vitality. [16]


where? you said they were highlighted below, but you didn't actually highlight any. point them out to me please.


No, I don't approve of eugenics. I didn't say anywhere in this essay that I approved of it.
-"one of Sparta's unpleasant qualities was also put on display"
-"I had to take into account that the modern world is much more agreeable than the ancient one." -"Infanticide is unacceptable, but the eradication of certain phenotypic characteristics was a necessary evil."


I'm graduating from high school a year early, to answer your question.

also, i still need help on the "me being me" part. i can't think of a way to rephrase it.

anyone else??

Undergraduate / "Sparta and Survival Instinct" - Stanford Short Essay. Intellectual Vitality. [16]

I posted my essay here because I knew that I had overlooked some errors and I needed help. If there is anyone who can help me to get rid of mistakes and has suggestions on how to make this essay better, they will be greatly appreciated :)

Undergraduate / "Interested in Applied Math and people" - Why Brown [4]

This is not a good idea. You will be better off writing an essay. If you're going to take a risk and write a poem, then you need the poem to be stellar. This one is not that great. To be honest, I don't really see it as a poem either.

Another thing is that you shouldn't talk about other schools when they ask you to tell them why you chose them. You really shouldn't talk about things that make other schools better than Brown. I find that when you take the comparisons out of the "poem", you don't really have any concrete reasons as to why you chose Brown. This is not a good thing because you managed to not write an essay and not answer the prompt.

I see that you are trying to stand out, but this will not make you stand out in a good way.

Good luck!

Read mine ??

Undergraduate / "we thank you for your interest in becoming part CVS pharmacy" - for high end schools [5]

To be honest, it's not interesting enough. Oddly enough, I like that it starts off with the rejection from CVS, because there's so many possibilities for topics. But it goes really slow and gets kind of boring (sorry). It just feels like you're giving us a play-by-play of an experience that shouldn't be dissected. It's going to take a lot more to make finding a book at the library compelling. Good luck, man.

Read mine?

Undergraduate / THE RAPPING ICONOCLAST: BROWN SUPPLEMENT (INTELLECTUAL EXPERIENCE) [10]

I think the essay is pretty awesome. I love the concept. I don't know if it answers the prompt. I mean, it is an experience and kind of like a project, but not. You could probably get by with it though. Whatever the case, you will stand out in a good way.

Good luck!

Read mine?

Undergraduate / "we thank you for your interest in becoming part CVS pharmacy" - for high end schools [5]

You can emphasize more on how disappointed you were. Then transition to how you knew that you couldn't obsess over your loss of the job opportunities, so you went to the library, a place where you could find something to do. That's where you developed a new interest. If you hadn't been rejected from those jobs, you couldn't have developed this interest in biochemistry. You can change the outcome of your experience of being fired to something like "i learned that bad things can give way to good things, so I learned from this experience to accept adversity because it can give way to something great." not exactly like that, of course, but hopefully you get my point.

Also, a lot of what you wrote kind of felt like you were trying to fill space. I think that is where it became really unnecessarily drawn out and you went off topic a little.


-this is a good introduction


-this is where it gets boring


you can use this sentence to open the next paragraph


this is not needed


cut this part out


this is off topic. but, come to think of it, it would be interesting if you could somehow talk about your experience in the whole library. Like, if you met or saw some interesting people, you could talk about what you learned from them. Just a thought.

Remember that you don't have to talk about academics. You can talk about pretty much anything significant in your life. Keep that in mind if you decide to scrap this.

Hope this helped!

Can you read my intellectual vitality essay?? I can really use some constructive feedback/criticism/whatever you can help with :)