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Posts by Vbalandina
Joined: Dec 17, 2010		 Last Post: Dec 30, 2010
Threads: 2
Posts: 17  

From: America

Displayed posts: 19
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Vbalandina   
Dec 30, 2010
Undergraduate / "Only sixty more meters! Come on guys!" - Commonapp-ECA <150words [5]

Hey, your essay is too short!
Break it into at least three paragraphs and develop each.

Your conclusion i rather weak, try to mention, how this exp influenced you, what you've learned.
Because now you simply describe it
Vbalandina   
Dec 30, 2010
Undergraduate / Karen Blixen's Out Of Africa, Cornell Supplement [2]

Hey! :)

The essay is nice, but I think that you don't answer the second part of the question, you simply list the possible fields of study, but don't mention how you will utilize them to further explore your interests))

Also write more about the purpose of your organization in the first paragraph, or else it doesn't make sense)
Good luck! I am also applying to Cornell!)
Vbalandina   
Dec 25, 2010
Undergraduate / Wharton Essay (Business management) [2]

Hey, here are my suggestions:

Two years ago, when the trend of starting a small business did not start in Vietnamese high school student, I was a quirky student who had a dream of running a business to earn money to please my money-greed.

This a run-on sentence, try to break it and be more clear. Furthermore money-greed will not make a good impression

I also think that you've made a too detailed description of your business, it is a little boring, sorry)) and the promt asks you not about your previous activities, but future!
Vbalandina   
Dec 24, 2010
Undergraduate / MIT:to prepare for the Konkoor, study for IELTS What attribute are you most proud of? [2]

The answers to that question hashave changed many

Hmmm, I am not an native speaker either, but I think that you have to eliminate persiration word, since I have thought exactly of sweating.

May be you can provide more examples, since for many students, expecially intenational college preparation alongside with the finals in their school is a very tough experience.
Vbalandina   
Dec 20, 2010
Essays / UPenn supplement, Ideas (the essay in a form of interview?) [4]

Hello, everyone!
I'm having a difficulty with my Upenn supplement. I've already collected all necessary information, but the problem is that I don't know how to organize it! I want not just to state or enumerate the clubs and activities, but make something creative. Any Ideas? Moderators, pleaase comment on)

I will be very thankful!)

I've thought about writing the essay in a form of interview, I mean future me answering questions about my life at Penn.
Vbalandina   
Dec 19, 2010
Undergraduate / "First an accountant, now an engineer" - Cornell Engineering Supplement [2]

First of all you have the same problem as everyone of us- too many "I" sentences, try to vary the sentence structure!

Do I really want to sort of waste my intelligence and potential towards a boring everyday routine? I thought to myself, "I'm better than this.

This sentence sounds a bit offensive) ]

I wondered if I could find a cure for cancer or maybeperhaps be the next Bill Gates.

I realize that Cornell Engineering is reputed as one of the top engineering programs in the USA. Without a doubt, I trust that Cornell Engineering has great facilities and teachers who love to teach. If I am admitted to Cornell's College of Engineering I would take full advantage of the doors it would open.

I think that the AO already knows this general statements, be more specific

Looking back, I was raised around engineering by my father.

REPETITION
Vbalandina   
Dec 19, 2010
Undergraduate / "an opportunity to talk to the devil" - intellectual vitality [8]

ooookay!)

What would you say if you had an opportunity to talk to the devil? Initially I must clarify I am not a satanic individual ( satanist will save the space) and I do not believe in inflicting beliefs on other people, everybody is entitled to their own opinions and faith. In today's day I In our modern world with its nuclear proliferation, wars, terrorism, economic crises; everybody is in search of God. But has anyone really wondered that if a Satan existed what he would have to say? (it is not good to start sent. with but) I suppose the first thing I would like to ask is if this was all predetermined, that this highway to hell (pun intended) human kind is on is it just an orchestration? (as for me this sent is too complex) And if so, would that mean that all of us have submitted to the evil within us and lost sight of the good. What about all the people who pray every day, who remain loyal to their faith the few who still believe in miracles, are they just being hoaxed? It is true that people are altruistic in this world, the concept of charity does exist but how far is it really taking us,( split these sentences) It is a vicious cycle, because for every good deed there are five bad deeds and so eventually we either end up where we started or far behind. Dante travelled through Hell and through his log we know that in many ways Hell too holds a justice system, Hell you are punished in accordance with your crime. Yet how do we noone knows exactly how to explain the natural catastrophes for instance Hurricane Katrina, the floods in Pakistan; one might blame it on global warming, climate change, going even as far as evolution or, maybe, this is our punishment. And what cataclysmic punishments they are, yet we do not seem to learn. The apathy still continues, the decline still continues. I suppose the one thing we all really fear if we got the chance to converse with the devil would be finding out this was not all part of his plan; that no matter how powerful his wrong doings may be, the catastrophe we have inflicted on ourselves is far great than anything evil itself might wish upon us.A run on sentence!

Check my essays please ;)
Vbalandina   
Dec 19, 2010
Undergraduate / "the most rigorous curriculums in the nation" Uni Chicago-Why I would love to attend [6]

These rigorous courses will allow

try another word instead of rigorous to diversify

The University of Chicago provides the ideal community for me.It also satisfies

The university has had a vey successful alumni group

HAS HAD - Mistake?

also eliminate one of the mentions of the university

The university has had a vey successful alumni group with 10 percent of all Nobel Prize winners having attended The University of Chicago.

These records speak for themselves and show that people who attend and graduate from this University become people who contribute to the world and have successful futures.

Here you are) Besides this the essay is impressive) Good luck!

Make some suggestions for my essays plz!)))
Vbalandina   
Dec 19, 2010
Undergraduate / Gap year, WWOOF, school transfer - CommonApp answers [4]

Here is a description for a commonapp. Why did I transfer to another school and took a gap year.
Please make any suggestions

1. Change of schools.
Due to a restricted amount of funding, schools in Russia break up the classes that have less than 18 students and students are transferred to other schools. My class had only 16 students and was broken up by 9th grade. That's why after 9th grade I was transferred to another secondary school to finish my education.

2. Taking a gap year

There were a couple of significant reasons for me to take a gap year.

The first and probably the most important one was that my whole life I had dreamed of spending more than just a school holiday with my Dad, who lives in Siberia. I spent 4 months with him after my graduation, and returned to Moscow to take my remaining exams. I'm going to return to Siberia and spend another 6 months there after sending my applications.

The second reason was that the gap year gives me the opportunity to apply to colleges without being rushed. The 11th grade was extremely important, due to the fact that there are State Final Exams in Russia that are held in spring before graduation, and the curriculum is challenging and time-consuming. Because I've started preparing for college at the beginning of my senior class, it was practically impossible to combine schooling and college preparation, take 5 admission tests and meet the deadline. The gap year also allowed me to visit the US during the spring break and attend information sessions and campus tours to make a more informed decision.

My decision to take a year off also gives me the opportunity to get some real world work experience, where I will be able to apply some of the knowledge and skills that I have learned in school. I am also looking forward to visiting France over the summer, and perfecting my French by participating in the World Wide Opportunities on Organic Farms (WWOOF) program.
Vbalandina   
Dec 19, 2010
Undergraduate / "I live in Sri Lanka" - Yale supplement essay [9]

The place was called Jaffna, and it was a place I hoped I would never have to visit.

Rewrite this sentence) place...place doesn't seem okay

It was where death was a part of everyday life.

Death was a part of everyday life there.

My mom, on the other hand, didn't have anyone to rely on but me, as my father was working in India and wouldn't be allowed to leave from his workplace.

I like your topic, but you have to make more descriptions of the event, and make more transitions.

Please make suggestions about my essays!))))
Vbalandina   
Dec 19, 2010
Undergraduate / Independent Study Experience - Prompt 2 UC Personal Statement [5]

I was skeptical about it at first, I did not think that it would measure up to the traditional high school experience. However, I has turned out to be a defining experience for me.

I think that you have to replace the second "experience"))
Vbalandina   
Dec 19, 2010
Undergraduate / "the inspiring book called The Last Lecture" - Application Essay : DigiPen [4]

First of all what is your prompt?

I don't think that it is a good idea to highlight the 1st letters))

They had a song to sing and visible rules to follow.

What do you mean by this sentence?

Surprisingly the incident that had woken me happened when I was working with children. I work in a voluntary center every Friday to help children.

Try to make 1 sentence of this two. And also I didn't understand what incident did you mean?

And about the ending, do you really think that you will be admitted to the university just because you like their portal?
Vbalandina   
Dec 19, 2010
Undergraduate / Skiing, to me, is release; Common App- own choice topic- Skiing [4]

I suggest that you make the 1st paragraph more convincing, it isn't as exciting as it could've been! It doesn't to arouse interest in the reader.

assing that course earns you a certification as a Level 1 CSIA instructor. Since then, I have taken my Level 2 certification (there are 4 possible levels, but very few people attain higher than 2) and have become certified to teach ski racing as well.

I think that you should cut something out, or make a more vivid description, don't think that the AO will be very interested, parentheses are also not recommended in essay writing.

And try to vary sentence structure in the last two paragraphs.

Good luck!)
Vbalandina   
Dec 19, 2010
Undergraduate / An intellectual interest of yours (The study of human behavior) [3]

I suggest that you diversify the sentence structure, since there are too many 'I' sentences!)
And also why did you choose to describe psychology, if you are not going to major in it? I think you should rewrite it and focus on building machines)))
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