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Posts by Jen_rhymesw_Ten
Joined: Dec 23, 2010		 Last Post: Jan 1, 2011
Threads: 4
Posts: 11  
From: United States of America

Displayed posts: 15
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Jen_rhymesw_Ten   
Jan 1, 2011
Undergraduate / "Ballet: A Lifestyle Choice" - my common app essay options [3]

I was four years old and I was about to take my very first ballet class.
>>>I was four years old, moments away from taking my very first ballet class.

I walked in to the large, mirrored studio and joined the circle of little boys and girls sitting on the floor around Miss Myers.
>>>I think you should take out the teacher's name at the end of the sentence.

Every year in school we have to introduce ourselves to a new group of students and teachers and we are often asked to give our names and tell something about ourselves. My response has become second nature "Hi, I'm Shannan and I do ballet."

>>>Every new school year my introduction would go "Hi, My name is Shannan, and I do Ballet"

I RAN OUT OF TIME, BUT IF YOU WANT I CONTINUE TO REVISE IT. JUST LET ME KNOW.
Jen_rhymesw_Ten   
Dec 29, 2010
Undergraduate / List of awards, honors, leadership positions and extracurricular activities - correct [3]

2. List of awards, honors, leadership positions and extracurricular activities (church, school, community, and social) in which you have participated.

2005-2006:
Soccer- general participation award, most valuable player award
Tennis- general participation award
Student Council- (freshmen) homecoming committee lead

2007-2008:
Tennis- general participation
Cheerleading- general participation
Student Council- (sophomore)homecoming committee lead

2008-2009
Soccer- general participation award
Black Student Union- head of publication outreach committee
Focus Leader- leadership award, freshman leadership award
Umu Oma- Dance group choreographer, seamstress
Forensics Team- dramatic duet acting, special occasion speaking

2010:
Jane Addams Middle School- assistant cheer coach
Umu Oma- Little girl division choreographer, older division choreographer, seamstress, manager
Jen_rhymesw_Ten   
Dec 29, 2010
Undergraduate / NYU Supplements; Zenith + Escape Little Town + Eugene Ionesco [8]

paragraph one:
To go off of Nicoler22, I think that you should use "As a NYU student I hope to combine all three" to describe yourself a bit more by explaining how you plan on using all three International Relations, Law, and English.

paragraph two:
"one that will encourage immense growth for both my mind and soul. I know I'll thrive with the world at my fingertips." Also elaborate on these two statements and let admissions how you it will grow your mind and soul. Explain what would you do with the world at your fingertips.

paragraph three:
I find that paragraph three is fine as is.
Jen_rhymesw_Ten   
Dec 29, 2010
Undergraduate / "The Health Science program" - short answer Bradley University application questions [2]

Bradley University short questions:
1. A brief statement highlighting how you became interested in Bradley University and your proposed area of study.

*Choosing the perfect college is an extremely imperative and somewhat tiresome task. However, in my case the task of selecting a suiting college for me was not a difficult. Reasons being my sights were been set on Bradley University in advanced. Bradley University will allow me to work with students just like myself; intelligent, bright, goal driven, and diverse. The Health Science program was what seized my attention immediately. Not only will Bradley allow me to advance in my career choice, but it will allow me to achieve my Doctorates in Physical Therapy at an accelerated pace.
Jen_rhymesw_Ten   
Dec 29, 2010
Undergraduate / To provide a short statement explaining any special circumstances - question [3]

The application is asking me to provide a short statement explaining any special circumstances that I would like Admissions committee to consider.

>>>What is this question asking me? Should I write about an extra hobbies that I have or any other career routes that i have in mind, etc. I'm really sure how to answer this question.
Jen_rhymesw_Ten   
Dec 28, 2010
Undergraduate / "devoted to my goals, and confident" -personal or creative essay that describes YOU. [14]

Being the definition of Eli Whitney's Interchangeable Parts, versatility allows me to fit into any situation while remaining frugal and resourceful in accomplishing challenging goals and tasks.

>>>>are you quoting Eli Whitney??

Versatility encourages me to think outside the box; coming up with ingenious ideas on the spot based on infinite conditions.
>>>>being versatile also you to be a divergent thinker

Your essay describes you as confident, and that was what you were trying to impose. Right? Well good job.
Jen_rhymesw_Ten   
Dec 28, 2010
Undergraduate / "a country where everyone seeks for success" - MIT Describe your World [8]

I was born and raised in a country where everyone has a desire to succeed. However, this country of mine kids are on street sides dying from hunger, and poverty has consumed street corners. Fear devours me everytime I step into buildings, because the thought of it crumbling at any moment due to low quality infrastructures.

I come from a world where I dream of ameliorating the issues and flaws I'm exposed to in my society. Which is the reason I want to study engineering. I have dreams of applying my mathematical and scientific abilities to bring about solutions to the problems my world is presently facing.

Every morning on my way to school I'm able to spot the image of poor kids sitting in front of poorly constructed houses, some of which do not even have windows, roofs, or doors. Houses are meant to provide shelter and protection, but these houses are not even near to offering these privileges to its inhabitants. Someday I wish I could be able to stand in front of the people living on these houses and say "I'm here to help!" Studying civil engineering will make this wish a reality, as it will strengthen my skills in mathematics, science and construction, which I could use for the building of new residences and for the establishment of a new world.

I accept any kind of help! Critiques, Insults (:P), Grammar correction, redundancy corrections, Detailed corrections. Specially: Context correction and Transition of ideas correction!! THANKS a lot in advance :)

I kind of re-did the first two paragraphs, but I like where you are headed. If you would like for me to continue revising your essay just tell =]
Jen_rhymesw_Ten   
Dec 28, 2010
Undergraduate / "My perseverance remained to the last" - NYU personal [3]

...midnight heels

Sleek brown leather, midnightheel, Lucid visions of suddenly being a prima fashionista spark in the mind and all at once this accessory becomes vital.

The journey of achieving this crucial piece was what created me.

I have always loved clothes. CHANGE TO[/b]: Clothes have always been my obsession.

Watching movies as a child, the glamour of those movie starlets, shimmering against velvet skies, alight in their natural beauty, captivated me. CHANGE TO:[b]As a child I watched how elegantly each piece of clothing draped each and starlet in every films. \

I wanted to have the same kind of effortless grace, the kind that could only come from swirling fabrics and scintillating jewels. CHANG TO:Just like the starlets in the films I wanted to create such glamourous looks, the kind that could only come from swirling fabrics and scintillating jewels.

My cousin was able to channel these same qualities of beauty and poise, with careful polish and style that made her the inspiration she is to me today.

As for the rest of your essay all you need to do is take out commas. NOTE: If you question where or not a comma should be there...then it doesn't belong, and you should not place it there.
Jen_rhymesw_Ten   
Dec 24, 2010
Undergraduate / "drifted to an unwanted destination" - U of I transfer common essay [9]

ESSAY QUESTION:
In an essay of 300 words or less, explain your motivation to transfer from your current/former institution to Illinois and how your academic interests and/or professional goals will be fulfilled in your intended program of study.

~~~~

Life tends to shift and rove individuals to certain destinations to that one may not necessarily agree with. I, myself have been a part of the individuals to have been drifted to an unwanted destination. Although I was in low spirits about having to attend Joliet Junior College, I took what was dealt to me. Along with settling with what I was dealt, I became very passive when choosing my major. In the end my docile frame of mind lead to my parents choosing my major. In the span of taking classes and working at Claire's, I developed a sense of passion, and this passion had to do with assisting, and helping people find what they wanted. I would go above and beyond when helping anyone who came in contact with me. The highly anticipated moments of working at Claire's were being able to work the children that came in to get their ears pierced. Being able to interact with the kids and getting to know them, and be able to calm them down and make them laugh was what kept my job enjoyable. Working at Claire's made, realize that having a career interacting with children is what I want to do. The University of Illinois will allow me to work with students just like myself: intelligent, bright, goal driven, and diverse. The University of Illinois also has an exceptional applied health program which will well prepare me to advance into the pediatric career that I have been longing for.
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