jjenny9301
Dec 31, 2010
Undergraduate / Stanford: "History must never repeat itself" (intellectual vitality essay) [4]
thank you!
any other critiques?
VERY URGENTT
thank you!
any other critiques?
VERY URGENTT
jjenny9301
Dec 31, 2010
Undergraduate / Stanford: "History must never repeat itself" (intellectual vitality essay) [4]
CONSTRUCTIVE CRITICISM PLEASE :D
Stanford student are widely known to possess a sense of intellectual vitality. Tell us about an idea or an experience you have had that you find intellectually engaging.
"History must never repeat itself." Silence.
Ending on that note, my father left the room to answer the phone. Alone in the room, I retraced my father's stories of growing up in a land depleted and destroyed by warfare. Black and white images of Korea during the 1960s panned through my head-images of college students in demonstration, American soldiers in military uniforms, and mothers living alone with their children. But what was reality to my dad was merely a story to me. Realistic, yet irrelevant were his stories to my personal life. The painful memories engraved in his heart I, living in the 21st century, cannot fully comprehend.
"History must never repeat itself." Ring.
Left again with these five words, I closed my American history textbook and headed for my next class. Hearing this phrase for the second time, my mind boggled with questions. If history must never repeat itself, what must I do? What strength do I have when I can't even relate to the Korean War on a personal level? Though never a history person, these thought-provoking words left me curious. It served as a wake-up call. In my head now remains the phrase...
"What I do today will be history tomorrow."
CONSTRUCTIVE CRITICISM PLEASE :D
Stanford student are widely known to possess a sense of intellectual vitality. Tell us about an idea or an experience you have had that you find intellectually engaging.
"History must never repeat itself." Silence.
Ending on that note, my father left the room to answer the phone. Alone in the room, I retraced my father's stories of growing up in a land depleted and destroyed by warfare. Black and white images of Korea during the 1960s panned through my head-images of college students in demonstration, American soldiers in military uniforms, and mothers living alone with their children. But what was reality to my dad was merely a story to me. Realistic, yet irrelevant were his stories to my personal life. The painful memories engraved in his heart I, living in the 21st century, cannot fully comprehend.
"History must never repeat itself." Ring.
Left again with these five words, I closed my American history textbook and headed for my next class. Hearing this phrase for the second time, my mind boggled with questions. If history must never repeat itself, what must I do? What strength do I have when I can't even relate to the Korean War on a personal level? Though never a history person, these thought-provoking words left me curious. It served as a wake-up call. In my head now remains the phrase...
"What I do today will be history tomorrow."
jjenny9301
Dec 31, 2010
Undergraduate / "I used to giggle at doctors" - JHU Supplement #1 [6]
you state "when i was little" but then go on to talk about acid reflex and sphincter..
if you're talking about an experience in the past, write as if your that age.
maybe you were around eighth grade where you can remember those terms. in that case,
mention what age or grade you were in.
you state "when i was little" but then go on to talk about acid reflex and sphincter..
if you're talking about an experience in the past, write as if your that age.
maybe you were around eighth grade where you can remember those terms. in that case,
mention what age or grade you were in.
jjenny9301
Dec 31, 2010
Undergraduate / ("Princeton in the Nation's Service") How to Improve Princeton Supplement Essay? [30]
your essay is really good! its engaging, dramatic, and really captures the readers attention.
your essay is really good! its engaging, dramatic, and really captures the readers attention.
jjenny9301
Dec 31, 2010
Undergraduate / "My family from Taiwan, financial situation" - Additional Information Essay [3]
what is the prompt?
i think this essay makes you appear very humble, which is a positive thing!
Rather than focusing on what you have, you explain what you grew up without.
I would advise you vary your sentence beginnings more. Towards the end, i see repeated sentences beginning with "I" and "Instead, I"
what is the prompt?
i think this essay makes you appear very humble, which is a positive thing!
Rather than focusing on what you have, you explain what you grew up without.
I would advise you vary your sentence beginnings more. Towards the end, i see repeated sentences beginning with "I" and "Instead, I"
jjenny9301
Dec 31, 2010
Undergraduate / MIT: "improvisation" (challenge essay) [4]
Tell us about the most significant challenge you've faced or something important that didn't go according to plan. How did you manage the situation?(*) (200-250 words)
My fingers stiffened and my throat ran dry. Sweat tricked down the back of my neck. In front of me lied the sight-reading piece, Quiet Night of Quiet Stars, with a "tenor solo" at measure 107. With but two minutes to look over, the motionless black dots were meaningless and my mind was bogged down with questions like "How does this rhythm sound? What if I mess up? What do I do?" As measure 107 approached, the sound of the bass drum amplified and I panicked more than ever before. With my eyes closed, I stood up. Taking a deep breath, I opened my eyes and blew air through the horn. The first three measures were fine. But about the four measure into the solo, the notes became blurry and my fingers refused to move. Silence. My mind was again in emergency mode. Unable to accurately play the notes and rhythm, my only tool now was improvisation. Though uneasy about my improvisation skills, I had to somehow redeem myself. Feeling the beat of the drums and the moving bass line, I played what came to mind-rhythms I remembered from solos by Louis Armstrong and Kenny G. Towards the end of my solo, I looked up and caught a glimpse of my teacher swaying his body back and forth, moving his shoulders up and down. "Yes!" I thought to myself. I turned a challenge that could have ended in complete failure into a victorious test of my improvisation skills.
Tell us about the most significant challenge you've faced or something important that didn't go according to plan. How did you manage the situation?(*) (200-250 words)
My fingers stiffened and my throat ran dry. Sweat tricked down the back of my neck. In front of me lied the sight-reading piece, Quiet Night of Quiet Stars, with a "tenor solo" at measure 107. With but two minutes to look over, the motionless black dots were meaningless and my mind was bogged down with questions like "How does this rhythm sound? What if I mess up? What do I do?" As measure 107 approached, the sound of the bass drum amplified and I panicked more than ever before. With my eyes closed, I stood up. Taking a deep breath, I opened my eyes and blew air through the horn. The first three measures were fine. But about the four measure into the solo, the notes became blurry and my fingers refused to move. Silence. My mind was again in emergency mode. Unable to accurately play the notes and rhythm, my only tool now was improvisation. Though uneasy about my improvisation skills, I had to somehow redeem myself. Feeling the beat of the drums and the moving bass line, I played what came to mind-rhythms I remembered from solos by Louis Armstrong and Kenny G. Towards the end of my solo, I looked up and caught a glimpse of my teacher swaying his body back and forth, moving his shoulders up and down. "Yes!" I thought to myself. I turned a challenge that could have ended in complete failure into a victorious test of my improvisation skills.
jjenny9301
Dec 31, 2010
Undergraduate / "the Colors of my Room" - Yale Supplement [7]
what is the prompt?
the last paragraph i really like. Mentioning the yale application leaves the reader impressed.
but the essay overall seems very dry, with excessive adjectives here and there about color.
you begin with the color of your room then move on to the books in your room, etc.
but i kinda get lost as to where you're going with this.
what is the prompt?
the last paragraph i really like. Mentioning the yale application leaves the reader impressed.
but the essay overall seems very dry, with excessive adjectives here and there about color.
you begin with the color of your room then move on to the books in your room, etc.
but i kinda get lost as to where you're going with this.
jjenny9301
Dec 31, 2010
Undergraduate / MIT: "this makes living worthwhile" (attribute of your personality) [4]
What attribute of your personality are you most proud of, and how has it impacted your life so far? This could be your creativity, effective leadership, sense of humor, integrity, or anything else you'd like to tell us about. (*) (200-250 words)
In the city of Irvine lives a community of affluent people who bathe in luxury and lavishness. Twenty minutes away in the city of Santa Ana gathers a crowd of needy, underprivileged people waiting in line to be provided the basic life necessities. Between this social division is me, a seventeen-year-old girl from a middle class family with a yearning desire to break the invisible wall separating the rich and poor.
Blessed with more than enough, I withhold the duty, the responsibility, and the burden to reach out to those in need. This Thanksgiving break, I joined with my church to make 300 bags of sack lunch to hand out. And every Sunday morning at seven 'clock, I visit the homeless with a trunk full of food, socks, and blankets. Though my service only temporarily benefits them, I find happiness in it. In sharing my compassion, my life becomes more meaningful and worthwhile.
What attribute of your personality are you most proud of, and how has it impacted your life so far? This could be your creativity, effective leadership, sense of humor, integrity, or anything else you'd like to tell us about. (*) (200-250 words)
In the city of Irvine lives a community of affluent people who bathe in luxury and lavishness. Twenty minutes away in the city of Santa Ana gathers a crowd of needy, underprivileged people waiting in line to be provided the basic life necessities. Between this social division is me, a seventeen-year-old girl from a middle class family with a yearning desire to break the invisible wall separating the rich and poor.
Blessed with more than enough, I withhold the duty, the responsibility, and the burden to reach out to those in need. This Thanksgiving break, I joined with my church to make 300 bags of sack lunch to hand out. And every Sunday morning at seven 'clock, I visit the homeless with a trunk full of food, socks, and blankets. Though my service only temporarily benefits them, I find happiness in it. In sharing my compassion, my life becomes more meaningful and worthwhile.
jjenny9301
Dec 27, 2010
Undergraduate / "the immigration office and American dream" - MIT Significant Challenge [5]
i was writing about my immigration experience too, but when i showed it to my English teacher, she said change your essay completely.
not because if was bad, but more so because EVERYONE can write about immigration.
with so many immigrants applying to MIT, it's really hard to stand out.
so maybe be more specific and write an essay about ONE particular event.
can you edit my "oh the places youll go" essay?? thanks!
i was writing about my immigration experience too, but when i showed it to my English teacher, she said change your essay completely.
not because if was bad, but more so because EVERYONE can write about immigration.
with so many immigrants applying to MIT, it's really hard to stand out.
so maybe be more specific and write an essay about ONE particular event.
can you edit my "oh the places youll go" essay?? thanks!
jjenny9301
Dec 27, 2010
Undergraduate / "from the Frisbee to the players" - Looking through a window, Williams [7]
i love the ending. it's very strong and powerful.
i think overall, its a very clever essay, something very creative and interestingg!
can you take a look at me "oh the places youll go" essay?? thanks!
i love the ending. it's very strong and powerful.
i think overall, its a very clever essay, something very creative and interestingg!
can you take a look at me "oh the places youll go" essay?? thanks!
jjenny9301
Dec 27, 2010
Undergraduate / "Oh the places you'll go" my princeton supplement [2]
PLEASEE help me edit this essayy
I will need to submit it very very soon.
Option 4 - Using a favorite quotation from an essay or book you have read in the last three years as a starting point, tell us about an event or experience that helped you define one of your values or changed how you approach the world. Please write the quotation at the beginning of your essay.
And will you succeed? Yes indeed, yes indeed! Ninety-eight and three-quarters percent guaranteed!
--Dr. Seuss from Oh the Places You'll Go!
It's 5:30 A.M. on a Saturday weekend and I head out the door in my golf attire, not under covers in my pink plaid pajamas. Week after week, suppressing my desire to sleep, I drag my sluggish body to Ironwood 9 Golf Course for a lesson of the elitist sport.
Only out of curiosity did I follow my dad to the golf course the morning of April 4, 2009. But upon witnessing the small golf ball flying over a distance 200 yards by a mere contact with a club head, I felt an instant urge to learn golf. So at the end of my sophomore year began my relationship with golf.
My private coach, as strict as he was, mandated absolute focus and attention from me. Prior to stepping up to the mat, he insisted five minutes of plain stretching. And before hitting a ball, he required ten practice strokes. If I ever missed a shot, he would utter, "What a waste of practice time." His blunt criticisms, as constructive as they may have been, soon took on their toll. Beneath the surface of my skin was my blood boiling out of anger and frustration. Small breaths turned to big gulps of air, as my brain needed more oxygen to tranquilize my body. In an effort to remold my shattered pride and ego, I issued him a challenge--one unspeakably foolish. Forgetting that I was but a beginner, I declared to try out for and, in the end, make the varsity golf team at Irvine High School. Raising his eyebrows and pressing his lips to one side, he replied, "Golf is not as easy as you think."
With just five months to master this sport, I was up against a wall. Yet unwilling to take back my words, I couldn't let time destroy my pride. Repeating the words "I can do it!" in my head, I practiced daily at the nearest course to my home in addition to the weekly lessons with my coach. Pushing myself ever harder than before, I was determined for success. And much to my satisfaction, I mastered the basics quite rapidly and, in the end, achieved my once-thought-impossible goal. For once, I felt big.
Today as I reflect on this experience and snapshots of Coach's not-so-pleasant-face pan through my head, I smile within. Were it not for his biting remarks and offensive critiques, I would never have continued with golf.
Success only takes time. Simply do my part, and all is well. After all, in Irvine High School's thirty-year history, I am the first to ever have shot a hole-in-one.
PLEASEE help me edit this essayy
I will need to submit it very very soon.
Option 4 - Using a favorite quotation from an essay or book you have read in the last three years as a starting point, tell us about an event or experience that helped you define one of your values or changed how you approach the world. Please write the quotation at the beginning of your essay.
And will you succeed? Yes indeed, yes indeed! Ninety-eight and three-quarters percent guaranteed!
--Dr. Seuss from Oh the Places You'll Go!
It's 5:30 A.M. on a Saturday weekend and I head out the door in my golf attire, not under covers in my pink plaid pajamas. Week after week, suppressing my desire to sleep, I drag my sluggish body to Ironwood 9 Golf Course for a lesson of the elitist sport.
Only out of curiosity did I follow my dad to the golf course the morning of April 4, 2009. But upon witnessing the small golf ball flying over a distance 200 yards by a mere contact with a club head, I felt an instant urge to learn golf. So at the end of my sophomore year began my relationship with golf.
My private coach, as strict as he was, mandated absolute focus and attention from me. Prior to stepping up to the mat, he insisted five minutes of plain stretching. And before hitting a ball, he required ten practice strokes. If I ever missed a shot, he would utter, "What a waste of practice time." His blunt criticisms, as constructive as they may have been, soon took on their toll. Beneath the surface of my skin was my blood boiling out of anger and frustration. Small breaths turned to big gulps of air, as my brain needed more oxygen to tranquilize my body. In an effort to remold my shattered pride and ego, I issued him a challenge--one unspeakably foolish. Forgetting that I was but a beginner, I declared to try out for and, in the end, make the varsity golf team at Irvine High School. Raising his eyebrows and pressing his lips to one side, he replied, "Golf is not as easy as you think."
With just five months to master this sport, I was up against a wall. Yet unwilling to take back my words, I couldn't let time destroy my pride. Repeating the words "I can do it!" in my head, I practiced daily at the nearest course to my home in addition to the weekly lessons with my coach. Pushing myself ever harder than before, I was determined for success. And much to my satisfaction, I mastered the basics quite rapidly and, in the end, achieved my once-thought-impossible goal. For once, I felt big.
Today as I reflect on this experience and snapshots of Coach's not-so-pleasant-face pan through my head, I smile within. Were it not for his biting remarks and offensive critiques, I would never have continued with golf.
Success only takes time. Simply do my part, and all is well. After all, in Irvine High School's thirty-year history, I am the first to ever have shot a hole-in-one.
jjenny9301
Dec 27, 2010
Undergraduate / "I smile to myself as I picture my future" - why upenn [7]
thank you so much :)
well here is the revised version
but my main concern is it seems a little too short.
the essay is supposed to be about 500 words, but mine is only 293...
what else would i need to include in this essayy
Walking alongside the road lined with verdant grass and blossoming flowers, with my biology textbook in one hand and saxophone on the other, I make my way to Cohen Hall for my first class lecture presented by the renowned Nobel prize-winning professor. Listening attentively and jotting down key points, the opportunity to expand my brain usage percentage-closer to that of Albert Einstein-is given. Once lecture is over, I hurry myself to Fisher-Bennet Hall for a jam session with fellow musicians. Lost amid the rhythmic liveliness of jazz, I express the joyous sensation of my Monday morning through my glistening horn. After an hour or two, just about when the muscles around my lips begin to ache, I head to Starbucks for a cup of coffee with some friends I met at Penn Students for Christ club. Amidst a pool of 23,000 students on campus from over 100 different countries, I, for the first time, learn the skills of adaptation and experience the meaning of cultural diversity. Once our order is ready, we walk to the open fields in front of Van Pelt Library where fellow Penn Students for Christ club members have gathered for a time of fellowship. Embraced by the beauty of nature, we sit around in a circle and sing along as one student strums on the guitar. Looking at my watch, realizing office hours are almost over, I wave goodbye and quickly dash to my professor's office for additional clarification on the Kreb Cycle. Once that's taken care of, I sluggishly walk to my dorm room with eyes half-opened. My exhausting, yet productive day is over. In Irvine, completing my supplements for University of Pennsylvania, I smile to myself as I picture my future to be like this.
thank you so much :)
well here is the revised version
but my main concern is it seems a little too short.
the essay is supposed to be about 500 words, but mine is only 293...
what else would i need to include in this essayy
Walking alongside the road lined with verdant grass and blossoming flowers, with my biology textbook in one hand and saxophone on the other, I make my way to Cohen Hall for my first class lecture presented by the renowned Nobel prize-winning professor. Listening attentively and jotting down key points, the opportunity to expand my brain usage percentage-closer to that of Albert Einstein-is given. Once lecture is over, I hurry myself to Fisher-Bennet Hall for a jam session with fellow musicians. Lost amid the rhythmic liveliness of jazz, I express the joyous sensation of my Monday morning through my glistening horn. After an hour or two, just about when the muscles around my lips begin to ache, I head to Starbucks for a cup of coffee with some friends I met at Penn Students for Christ club. Amidst a pool of 23,000 students on campus from over 100 different countries, I, for the first time, learn the skills of adaptation and experience the meaning of cultural diversity. Once our order is ready, we walk to the open fields in front of Van Pelt Library where fellow Penn Students for Christ club members have gathered for a time of fellowship. Embraced by the beauty of nature, we sit around in a circle and sing along as one student strums on the guitar. Looking at my watch, realizing office hours are almost over, I wave goodbye and quickly dash to my professor's office for additional clarification on the Kreb Cycle. Once that's taken care of, I sluggishly walk to my dorm room with eyes half-opened. My exhausting, yet productive day is over. In Irvine, completing my supplements for University of Pennsylvania, I smile to myself as I picture my future to be like this.
jjenny9301
Dec 26, 2010
Undergraduate / "the true beginning of my education" - BROWN supplement [12]
parallel structure is a strength, only when used minimally.
Your approach is great, but try focusing more on the flow of your response.
parallel structure is a strength, only when used minimally.
Your approach is great, but try focusing more on the flow of your response.
jjenny9301
Dec 26, 2010
Undergraduate / "Small classes + the trust in students" - Why I am applying to Rice [5]
i agree, overall it is pretty good. But try avoiding the word I in every sentence, just to really focus on what RICE has to offer. Though only 200 word limit, really make sure every word and sentence is meaningful.
i agree, overall it is pretty good. But try avoiding the word I in every sentence, just to really focus on what RICE has to offer. Though only 200 word limit, really make sure every word and sentence is meaningful.
jjenny9301
Dec 26, 2010
Undergraduate / "I smile to myself as I picture my future" - why upenn [7]
So the prompt states "Considering both the specific undergraduate school or program to which you are applying and the broader University of Pennsylvania community, what academic, research, and/or extracurricular paths do you see yourself exploring at Penn?"
I feel maybe my essay can be a little "off topic." I do answer the prompt in my essay, but more specifically answer why UPENN is for me.
Please critique my essay in an honest manner. thanks!
Irvine-the Bubble. Living in this idealistic microcosm voted the safest city for five consecutive years, I find myself distant from the real world. Always in my comfort zone, my mind and perspective of life is fixed. Competing with the same students both academically and athletically, I've been sucked into the trap of compromise--standing merely above others, not exposing my full potential. Yet now as a seventeen-year-old high school senior, the time has come to pop this bubble and burst open from its protective shield. The real world I see myself in is University of Pennsylvania.
University of Pennsylvania-my perfect college fit. Vastly different from my hometown of Irvine, University of Pennsylvania all in all satisfies my ...
...
So the prompt states "Considering both the specific undergraduate school or program to which you are applying and the broader University of Pennsylvania community, what academic, research, and/or extracurricular paths do you see yourself exploring at Penn?"
I feel maybe my essay can be a little "off topic." I do answer the prompt in my essay, but more specifically answer why UPENN is for me.
Please critique my essay in an honest manner. thanks!
Irvine-the Bubble. Living in this idealistic microcosm voted the safest city for five consecutive years, I find myself distant from the real world. Always in my comfort zone, my mind and perspective of life is fixed. Competing with the same students both academically and athletically, I've been sucked into the trap of compromise--standing merely above others, not exposing my full potential. Yet now as a seventeen-year-old high school senior, the time has come to pop this bubble and burst open from its protective shield. The real world I see myself in is University of Pennsylvania.
University of Pennsylvania-my perfect college fit. Vastly different from my hometown of Irvine, University of Pennsylvania all in all satisfies my ...
...
