Undergraduate / Stony Brook Essay- "Human compassion is a healing salve." [2]

"Paint a verbal portrait of an ideal physician (or dentist) and tell us about the experiences that you have had which have helped to shape this ideal."

Human compassion is a remarkable healing salve. As Maimonides once said, "The physician should not treat the disease but the patient who is suffering from it." His words sketch the beginning lines of a portrait -that of an ideal physician.

The ideal doctor is one who is confident and empathetic. His/her confidence should give me confidence. He/she should try to understand what I am feeling and communicate that understanding to me. He/she should be caring, compassionate and personal. His interest in me should be more than just a patient, remembering me as an individual.

As I list the characteristics, I add broad strokes to my painting. Adding detail with each light line, the portrait comes together to form the image of my uncle, a doctor in Afghanistan. He encouraged my love for medicine and inspired me to become a doctor. As a child, I would visit my family in Afghanistan every summer, crossing into the country over its shared border with Pakistan. We would be welcomed with open arms, bombarded with sloppy kisses and comforting hugs. The village was always roused with our arrival. The days afterwards were always a haze of celebration, as family after family came to greet us. We would be reintroduced to our small rural village and simultaneously to Afghan culture. After settling in, I would accompany my uncle to the city most days, tagging along as he went to work in the hospital. I would sit in his office as he meet with patient after patient. He would listen to their problems, a soothing smile on his face. A calm word here and an empathetic touch there would alleviate their worries. While forthright in his manner, telling the patients what they needed to know in plain language, his compassion would shine through in his tone of voice. His character was, according to Hippocrates, the "Father of Modern Medicine", "that of a gentleman, and, as such, honorable and kindly towards all."

In 2004, our visit was marred by a bombing near the hospital. There with my uncle when it happened, I watched as streams of victims were brought in to be treated. As I saw my care for the child victims of the bombing, I was astonished by how his warm words offered just as much panacea as his medicinal treatments. His ability to convey that genuine confidence and concern made him a truly ideal doctor, a standard every doctor should aspire to.

I'm not sure whether the ending is abrupt or not. Please help. Any criticism is welcome.

Undergraduate / "To learn and grow with real women" - Why Wellesley Essay-Academics and People [2]

'When choosing a college, you are choosing an intellectual community and a place where you believe that you can live, learn, and flourish. To this end, the Board of Admission is interested in knowing your reasons for applying to Wellesley College and how Wellesley will help you to realize your personal and academic goals.'

"Wellesley." The name conjures up visions of a breathtaking and majestic campus, inspiring paintings of impassioned women placed throughout corridors, and students discussing philosophy in cozy warm rooms on a cold winter night. The Wellesley viewbook reinforced these images and cemented my love for the college that is Wellesley. It spoke of engaging courses, amazing research opportunities, and rich extra-curriculars, all of interest to me due to my long lasting passion for studying and academics. The liberal arts education gives me the opportunity to pursue my passion in the form of my major, but at the same, also expands my horizons and gives me a glimpse of potential interests I have not yet discovered. The wide array of extra-curricular activities allows me to go beyond the basic scholastic component and make my voice heard. In addition to the academics, the people of Wellesley, professors and students alike, also draw me to the college. They say that there is no story without a cast of characters. At Wellesley, the rich and eclectic cast of extraordinary professors and quirky students define the tale that I want to be a part of. I look forward to knowing every single one of my peers and establishing lifelong relationships. I am eager to be taught by outstanding professors who are passionate about their subject matter, love teaching and care tremendously about their students' growth.

At Wellesley, I would learn and grow with real women, defined as individuals without the barriers of gender. I would stride purposefully through the beautiful campus, attend lectures of scholars seeking to broaden our minds and discuss philosophy with students in warm cozy rooms on cold winter nights. It offers the ideal environment in which I feel empowered in both my choices and myself. I want to be remembered for what I did in life through the decisions I make and mostly, for whom I am as a person. I truly believe that Wellesley College is, without a doubt, the best place to help me discover that.

Undergraduate / WHY Columbia? "There is no story without a cast of characters." [5]

There is no story without a cast of characters. And at Columbia, the rich and eclectic cast of extraordinary professors and quirky students define the tale that I want to be a part of. Both intellectually and personally, students have an opportunity to define who they are.

Columbia's Core Curriculum allows students to pursue all of their passions, convenient for those who, like me, have a broad range of interests. A class on Japanese cartography? Right up my alley! The Core brings together motivated students from around the glob in intensive courses, allowing them to form close relationships and providing an opportunity to uncover new curiosities. Coupled with cutting-edge resources and professors who change the way you think, I want to reach my cerebral potential at Columbia.

Columbia will help me to expand my horizons and grow. Surrounded by and individual and impossible to stereotype student body, I want to have thought provoking discussions about everything ranging from The Hunger Artist to the new episode of Criminal Minds.

As a potential political science major, I want to attend a college that is very politically active.
Columbia has more diverse political participants and organizations than any other college in America. Ranging from environmentalists to those passionate about ending world hunger, Columbia's student body collectively raises its voice to better the world. I want to add my voice to their collective harmony. I want to join these atypical personalities.

Please help to make this better with your critiques. :D

Undergraduate / NYU Supplement- (Medical/Political curiosity, Melting pot of opportunities, DWJ) [2]

1) Please tell us what led you to select both your anticipated academic area(s) of study and the NYU school / college / program or the Abu Dhabi campus. What interests you most about your intended discipline? Mention any extracurricular or non-school-related activities or experiences that demonstrate your interest.

I've always been guided by the blind impulse of curiosity. Constantly badgering my uncle, a doctor, with questions, I was fascinated by how his warm words offered just as much panacea as his treatments. With his influence, I developed a love for medicine and a desire to help, reinforced by research at universities and internships with doctors. My political interests were also awakened. My father, working at the UN, proved that words make a difference. NYU will provide me with the tools and networks needed to follow my passions and make my mark on society.

2) NYU is 'In and of the City' and 'In and of the World.' What does the concept of a global network university mean to you? How do you think studying in New York City, Abu Dhabi, or one of NYU's global sites would change you as a person and equip you to build cross-cultural relationships at NYU and beyond?

Having lived in many different countries, diversity has always been a part of my life. I am aware that there are distinctive people and customs with unique ways of life. NYU, being "In and of the World," is a melting pot of cultures and opportunities. It educates its students to respect diversity and multiplicity, molding their minds into a wide expanse of experience, ready for the next escapade. Studying in NYU will help me form intercultural connections and promote my independence.

3)If you had the opportunity to bring any person -- past or present, fictional or nonfictional -- to a place that is special to you (your hometown or country, a favorite location, etc), who would you bring and why? Tell us what you would share with that person.

I would take Diana Wynne Jones to the public library. Her novels were the first that I read when I moved to America. Her comedic delight in the creation of absurd-yet-logical situations and droll parodies eased my transition into the English language and inspired my love of reading. Meeting over a hot cup of tea, I'd ask where she gets inspiration and whether her college professors (C.S. Lewis & J.R.R. Tolkien) influenced her writing. Inside information on upcoming novels would also be welcome.

Please offer some critiques. I'd appreciate some help cutting down the length of my first answer. Thank you!

Undergraduate / "Moving from Pakistan, a calm and conservative country to the US" - YALE ESSAY [3]

I paced through rows of towering columns, intimidated by both their height and their occupants. The dwellers, miniscule figures that they were compared to the hollows they were house in, sat spine to spine, some rigid, others more easygoing and flexible. Each one was branded on its backbone, it's identity forever etched onto it with its lifeblood. Uneasy with the quiet of the chamber, I ran my finger along each tenant as I passed, if only to feel the presence of another. All dark in color, they presented a daunting force of intimidating solidarity. It seemed they were all against me, elders in their own right, full of the impossible, buried truths that I could not be privy to. I was ready to return back to familiar grounds, but something caught my eye, glinting in the peripheral of my vision. Circling back, my eyes fixed on the mystery. It was one of the occupants. Bright and shining, it was an unusual sight. Nestled between its two sinister and severe neighbors, it's beautiful and vivid exterior drew me in like a magnet. Unable to contain my curiosity, I slowly inched it out of its home. Hesitantly running my hand over it, I examined the colorful exterior. It whispered to me, telling me of adventures and discovery and companionship. I was trapped in the pages of the book.

I was always told "Don't judge a book by its cover." But had I not discarded that little proverb, I would never have become a (willing) prisoner of imagination and wonder. I succumbed to that moment of vanity, and became all the richer for it. I found my companions for the next few years, friends who eased the transition from one culture to another. Friends who were with me every step of the way as I reached out and made contact with the new world I was in.

Moving from Pakistan, a calm and conservative country to the US, a country defined by its dazzling individualism and excess, was a huge culture shock for me. I had trouble adjusting to the people and the language. I was unable to find common ground between the two ways of life, simply because I could not understand part of the whole. That book, (which I later found out was Dianna Wynne Jones' Charmed Life) innocently waiting for the next passerby to fall prey to its visual allure, helped me to understand the code that this new world was based on. The pages, yellowed out of age, pulled me into its bosom, and helped me make the journey to the next place.

From the time I arrived in America at that tender impressionable age of seven to now, books have been my constant companions. They have provided an escape from reality, taught me to value the spontaneity of life, and molded my mind into a wide expanse of experience, ready for the next escapade.

Undergraduate / Yale (Why, Criminal Minds, Tetris, Stonehenge, Daily Routine) [5]

What would you do with a free afternoon tomorrow?
- After having lunch with my family, I'd watch some Hetalia episodes, finish reading The Girl Who Played with Fire and have a Criminal Minds marathon with friends.

What do you wish you were better at?
- Tetris. I often find myself with every spot filled except for that one line. I wait for the straight piece but it never appears. Tragic.

- I wish I were better at remembering. Too often I find myself unable to recall a dream from the night before. More embarrassingly, I will tell the same story to friends.

Recall a compliment you received that you especially value. What was it? From whom did it come?
- "For an immigrant, you speak good English." (Planning on changing this if a better one comes to mind.)
If you could witness one moment in history, what would it be and why?
- The burning of the Library of Alexandria. As a lover of books/An avid reader, I want to know who was truly responsible for the tragedy. It took over 2000 years to rediscover the lost knowledge.

- Stonehenge was created by a culture bereft of written records. I want to witness its creation to uncover the "mystery of Stonehenge." Was it a temple for religion or science?

If you were choosing students to form a Yale class, what question would you ask here that we have not?
- If you had to eliminate one thing from your daily routine, what would you choose to remove? Why?

Why Yale?
-Just as an assignment accidentally left unfinished the night before does not magically write itself, there is no ideal college experience that exists. Or so I thought, until I found Yale. Yale offers students room to explore their interests with its distributional requirement system that allows you freedom in designing your curriculum. Additionally, it's residential college systems welcomes you into a warm and close knit family. Essentially though, there is no story without a cast of characters. And at Yale, the rich and eclectic cast of extraordinary professors and quirky students augments and defines the tale, a tale I want to be part of.

Help! :O I need to cut down on my word count for the "Why Yale" question and make it flow better! Additionally, I'm not sure which of the answers I should use for the Short Takes.

Undergraduate / Education of Women in Afghanistan-Common App Essay-Help with length/flow [13]

James Garfield once said "Next in importance to freedom and justice is popular education, without which neither freedom nor justice can be permanently maintained." But in a country subject to Soviet occupation, civil war, severe drought, and now a war against terrorism, the endorsement of popular education has taken a backseat to other issues. Especially remiss is the education of women. Afghans, quite busy with rebuilding their lives and asserting their national independence, have forgotten that the newly instated ideals of freedom and justice can never be properly upheld without knowledge, granted with the institution of education. Although the curtain of invisibility has finally lifted for the women of Afghanistan, they are unable to react and take advantage of opportunities, due to the lack of education.

But where to begin, when faced with a problem whose history spans several generations? Let's start with the beginning, the most important part of the work. Opposition within Afghanistan to girls' education predates the Taliban. Historically, education of females was rare in rural Afghanistan and was confined almost exclusively to the capital. In 1919, newly installed King Amanullah began a swift development of the country's education system, concentrating on expanding education for women. The conservative country eventually overthrew the king, unable to support his radical ideas. Over the course of the twentieth century, due to the efforts of Nadir Shah and King Mohammed Zahir, Afghanistan's education system steadily expanded, despite the country's increasingly traditional views and protesting officials. By the 1970s, 60% of the students at Kabul University were female. Unfortunately, the subsequent decade of Soviet occupation served to erase all strides made in the sector of education. The mines and bombs throughout the country destroyed many of the school buildings, killed many teachers and made it dangerous to even venture outside the house. Afghans, living through a devastating war fueled by external forces and funding from multiple countries, simply survived. At such a time, education was far from the forefronts of their minds.

My mother was eight when the Soviet Union invaded. She was forced to withdraw from school when it became too perilous to attend. As with other Afghans, her life now consisted of low-key existence and obstinate resilience. Eventually, with the escalation of the war, my mother was forced to flee with her family to neighboring Pakistan, where her status as a refugee made it difficult to get an education. Her schooling ended at a fourth grade level, and the subsequent fall of the Soviet Union and rise of the Taliban made it nigh on impossible to restart.

With the fall of the Communist government, the country was divided into warring factions, many of them Mujahideen groups whose ideology was opposed to modern education. The rise of the Taliban regime led to a national ban on education for female, focusing solely on using the madrassa (mosque school) to educate boys. Millions of Afghans immigrated to other countries. Schools were closed either due to lack of security and teachers or because of grim poverty. Under their rule, only about 3 percent of girls received some form of primary education.

Twenty-three years of war destroyed the infrastructure of education in Afghanistan and lead to an increase in illiteracy rates for women. Since the overthrow of the Taliban in 2001, the government, with international financial aid, has attempted to restore the education system. Today, more children are in school than at any other period in Afghan history. More than 5.4 million children are enrolled in school, nearly 35% of them girls. However, 87% of women are still illiterate, compared to only 44% of men. Only 13% of girls complete primary school. As telling as these figures are, they reveal only part of the story, like a headline without the following report. They veil the relentless, dispiriting, demoralizing and disappointing truth. In a country seeking to catch up to modern times, freedom is still derailed by a few groups of radicals. Resurgent Taliban and other forces launch persistent violent attacks on schools and girls in order to disrupt attempts to better the country and the next generation. International press has covered the acid, poison and gas attacks that girls attending school have faced. Schools have been set on fire, teachers threatened and killed, all in an attempt to scare the new generation in conforming to the views of the older radicals.

In the summer of 2005, my family and I went back to Afghanistan to visit family. We were welcomed with open arms, bombarded with sloppy kisses and comforting hugs. The village was roused with our arrival. The days afterwards were a haze of celebration, as family after family came to greet us. My brothers', having never been there, were introduced to our village and simultaneously to Afghan culture. However, weeks after we has arrived and settled, a tragedy occurred that shook me to the core. One of the younger village girls, and now my newly made friend, Nisa, had been attacked with acid outside of the school she attended and had to be taken to the hospital. Thankfully, she was not hit hard, was treated for their injuries, and then sent home. As per Afghan culture, we went over to wish them well and to offer our help to the family. At the sight of my wounded and wronged friends, my world would never seem so simple again. Within a few weeks, I would be preparing for a journey back to the US, back to the land of excess and choice, a land of ease. I would be going back to school, to a new grade where my biggest worry would be colors of my notebooks. These brave and courageous girls, instead, would be going back (for they were returning, as their father proudly told my family) to a school that could not protect them, in order to open the door to opportunities. Never had I felt more proud of being an Afghan, of being in solidarity with my people than at that moment, when I saw the resolve and determination in their eyes.

Both my mother and Nisa are the motivations in my life. My mother, through her words and actions, has continually pushed me to be better, to be stronger. An exceptionally bright woman who just didn't have the means to truly reach her potential, my mother taught me to value and take advantage of my education, as it would open many doors for me. Thanks to her, I am now the first woman in my family and my village to be going to college. Nisa, with her courage and determination, has made me value both the little and big things in life. Whereas here in America, education is a given right, in Afghanistan, Nisa has to fight her family and her fears to go to school everyday. She has shown me that there truly are things worth fighting for and I hope to act as a role model for her as she aspires to reach higher learning.

An old Chinese proverb goes "Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish and you feed him for a lifetime." In 'teaching them to fish' we are not only helping them realize their inner potential but also catalyzing bigger and more grandiose capabilities in them. Afghanistan is a country in the process of rebuilding. With one of the youngest populations in the world, it is a country whose new generation has the opportunity to start with a clean slate. And it is only through the education of the new generation that the country will rebuild itself to the glory of the olden days. It is only through the education of the new generation that the government can truly have a free and just country.

This is my common app essay. I know it's a bit too late to be posting on here, but I unfortunately fell victim to procrastination. I realize that the length is too long so I'd love it if people could tell me where I should trim the essay. It's currently at 1300 words, and I'd like to cut it down to 800 at most.

Thank you in advance to everyone!