Writing Feedback / Hitler and Stalin - Essay about the Most Ferocious Dictators [3]

Allies defeated the Hitler's army. - Allies defeated Hitler's army. [This time, the apostrophe is correct!]

the holocaust. - the Holocaust [It's usually capitalized when referring to this specific event.]

Staling - Stalin [Oops--typo!]

Although the soviet union - Although the Soviet Union

more damage then he helped. - more damage than he helped.

I think that if you look very carefully for words with inappropriate apostrophes, you'll find quite a few. Other than that, I can only remind you (yes, again!) to use citations, if they're required.

Good luck, and thanks!

Sarah
EssayForum.com

Writing Feedback / Hitler and Stalin - Essay about the Most Ferocious Dictators [3]

Greetings!

I think you have written a good essay! It certainly looks as though you've done your research.

I would be glad to help you with corrections, although it will take more than one post due to the length of the essay. Here we go:

There was an estimated... - There were an estimated...

Two of the most important dictator's... - Two of the most important dictators... [Remember, the apostrophe is used to show the possessive or to make a contraction. What you have here is a plural, so no apostrophe. :-)]

ferocious dictator's - ferocious dictator [same thing. I won't show the other times that you did this with dictators and centuries; I'm sure you get the idea.]

Although, ,there were many - Although there were many

french - French

He lead many - He led many

I'll look at the rest in the next posts, but first I want to ask: are you required to cite your resources for this paper? I just want to remind you that it is important to cite information, and particularly exact wording, that you get from another source. Of course, if your instructor did not ask you to do this, then you're OK as is.

Now, on to the next post!

Sarah
EssayForum.com

Essays / A silent scream, imaginative emotions - Narrative essay [16]

Greetings!

I learned something from your question. I looked up "obscure" and found that it can mean dark. However, that is not the way it usually used. I fact, I haven't seen it with that meaning before--and I read A LOT. :-) Most commonly, it means unclear or hard to understand. An "obscure meaning" would be one that was difficult to comprehend. I hope that helps.

As for the "stoned" part: how about "rigid as a marble statue"? Or "rigidly silent as a marble statue". Or stone statue.

Do keep in mind what I said about publication, OK? This is my last night on EssayForum, so I just wanted to remind you to keep thinking like a writer--and most importantly, keep writing! Good luck!

Sarah

Writing Feedback / Topic: Every rule has its exceptions; SAT essay [5]

Thank you, Paul/Purcell. :-) And you're welcome, as well. Take care!

Sarah

Writing Feedback / Argumentative Essay on Nuclear Power - danger of switching to nuclear energy [4]

Quite right, Amalie. It is often the details that make an argument convincing, especially since they indicate good research. :-)

Sarah

Book Reports / Evaluation essay paper help on "The Culture of Fear" [5]

Greetings!

Fortunately, you have been given a bit of a road map in your instructions. An "evaluation essay" is asking for your opinion--basically, a critique. Here are a few tips for identifying the important points in the book:

Look at the book jacket. It should summarize what the author was trying to say.

Also check out the chapter titles. Each one will be about a point the author wanted to make.

Explain to someone else what the book was about. If you were going to teach this book as a subject, what would you tell your students? Obviously, you wouldn't cover every little detail. You would tell them the most important things that the author believes.

After you've decided what is most important in the book's content, you can decide if you agree or disagree with it. That is the evaluation part. There may be several points that the author has made; you may agree with some and disagree with others. I haven't read the book myself, but from the title I would guess that he is saying we live in a culture where fear plays a major role. Do you agree with that? Who (or what) does he say causes the fear? Is he correct? Etc. Once you see the extent to which you agree with the author (or disagree), you should be able to tell if he succeeded in convincing you.

I hope this helps. Good luck!

Sarah
EssayForum.com

Research Papers / Global Warming - need to come up with a question for my research paper [12]

Greetings!

I think dejavu has suggested a very good topic, and there are others that are similar that might also work well. Basically, you need to ask yourself if you have a strong opinion and enough good arguments to support your topic. That's your starting point for an argumentative essay, as I'm sure your professor has told you. If you can come up with the same type of question that your professor gave as an example (or even use her example as your topic), you should be fine. If you want more confirmation, you can run your choice by her.

Enjoy writing your essay--arguing can be lots of fun!

Sarah
EssayForum.com

Writing Feedback / An Unexamined life is not worth living - essay [2]

Greetings!

I think your idea is good! I love that old Socrates. ;-) You've chosen some good quotations to make your point.

Since your essay is so lengthy, I can't correct the whole thing. However, I can use the first paragraph to illustrate the types of things to watch for:

Through out generations, mankind has been asking themselves what is the purpose of life. - Throughout the generations, mankind has asked, "What is the purpose of life?"

That will get you off to a good start (and it's so true). A few other things from paragraph 1:

a target to go. - how about: "a target to go to", or "a target to aim for."

In order to make one life becomes worth to live, this famous statement strongly addresses that one must exanimate himself first . . . - In order to makes one's life worth living, this famous statement strongly addresses the idea that one must examine himself first . . .

I hope that gives you an idea of what to look for when you're proofing and editing. A trick I use is to read my work out loud. I find all kinds of mistakes when I do that, and usually some things I didn't say clearly enough. You can also read it to another person (someone that you trust for an honest and useful opinion). Also, you might consider varying the use of "one" throughout the essay. You can say "a person" or "the individual", for instance.

Oh, one other idea: if your university has a Writing Center, the folks there could be very helpful.

Best of luck, and thanks!

Sarah
EssayForum.com

Undergraduate / Food Laboratory ; School of Public Health Institute U Minnesota [2]

Greetings!

Actually, I think your English is very good! I can help with a few minor corrections.

culture techniques such as: determination... - I noticed that you used this sentence structure more than once in your essay. A better way to do it would be: culture techniques, such as determination...It looks more like "natural" English that way.

I moved to US - I moved to the US

participate in the validation - participating in the validation

allow me to get experience - allowed me to get experience

Our lab participate in the a study - Our labe participated in a study

retail store environments, collaborating - retail store environments. Collaborating... (start a new sentence)

this study allow me to be proficient - this study allowed me to become proficient

certified with allow me - certified, which allows me

The experience, the courses - The experiences and the courses

Minnesota U S public health - if this is the name of an institution, "Public Health" needs to be capitalized

essence of the lab those courses - essence of the lab. These courses (new sentence)

going to allow to contribute with better strategies that improve - going to allow me to contribute better strategies to improve

state. - I'm unclear as to whether you mean a "state" (like in the United States) or your country.

I have got in my lab in invaluable, howeverfinancially I can not afford my courses at School of Public Health Institute University of Minnesota, - I have received in my lab is invauable. However, financially I cannot afford . . . of Minnesota. [End the sentence here]

it would be very rewarding to be able to access to this courses and get knowledge skills that would be a meaningful for my lab. - It would be very rewarding to have access to these courses and to obtain the knowledge and skills that will be meaningful in my lab.

Since you seem to be applying for financial aid, you might want to add a sentence that asks outright for the scholarship.

I hope this helps. Good luck--I hope it all works out well!

Sarah
EssayForum.com

Writing Feedback / You know life moves on - doesn't it? ; A Farewell Note to the Class [5]

Thank you, Rajiv. I wish you a happy and prosperous future.

Best wishes,

Sarah

Scholarship / Need your assistance - (reasons for receiving the scholarship) [7]

Greetings!

Yes, I think the changes make the paragraphs read more smoothly. I have only one suggestion:

instead it is a ticket to achieve my goals that will allow me to change the very essence of myself for the better. - Your closing thoughts might leave more of a lasting impression if you broke this sentence up. How about: "instead, it is a ticket to achieve my goals. A scholarship to [name of university] will allow me to change the very essence of myself for the better". That's my opinon, anyway. ;-)

I truly hope you will receive your scholarship and enjoy your life at university. I'm glad if I have helped!

Sarah
EssayForum.com

Research Papers / Marketing Assignment of The Heinz U.S.A Company [24]

Certainly. :-) That's what we're here for. Good luck!

Sarah

Essays / A silent scream, imaginative emotions - Narrative essay [16]

Greetings!

I like the additions you have made. They give the story even more depth.

Here are a few minor corrections:

tug her in - tuck her in

there was only her footsteps resounded - only her footstep resounded (delete "there was")

she could hear some voice - some voices (since both parents are talking)

the voice became clearer in her ears - voices

She leaned on the shivery wall, - She leaned on the wall, shivering,. (I don't think you meant that the wall was shivering. ;-) )

In the obscure hall - I think you might want to look up the definition of "obscure"; I don't think that's what you're trying to say here (although that's up to you, of course).

parents' voice dwindled - voices

whisper silent - silent whisper

a little girl sitting stoned along the hall, - umm..."stoned" means high on drugs. :-)) Perhaps you mean "in stony silence"? Also, "in the hall" would be better.

Teddy's furry paw kept in her mouth - how about "stuck"? Or you could just say "Teddy's furry paw in her mouth". "Sitting" is actually the verb in this sentence, and the last clause doesn't really need a verb.

I truly like your changes! Keep on writing, and thanks for sharing this!

Sarah
EssayForum.com

Writing Feedback / You know life moves on - doesn't it? ; A Farewell Note to the Class [5]

Greetings!

I think you stated your case very well in this essay. I did not find any grammatical or syntactical errors in it.

Are you acting as a valedictorian, or is this a message you personally would like to offer your classmates? I ask because it makes a difference in the tone of the piece. As I'm sure you know, valedictory speeches are usually very positive, with little critical content. Of course, I think it's up to the individual to say whatever he or she really feels. :-) And if it's a personal message, then anything goes (well, almost anything).

In either case, your essay is very direct and well-written. If you have said exactly what you want to say, then I think it's ready to go.

Best of luck, and thanks!

Sarah
EssayForum.com

Scholarship / Pencil and Paper - Scholarship Essay [4]

Greetings!

This is a very good essay! Here's the little bit that needs correction:

"Wow! That is very good Lynn. It looks just like a horse in real life." she said awingly. - in awe. [BTW, you could give your mother a little more to say here if you want to increase the length of the essay. ;-) ]

drawing is an ability - drawing has been an ability (to keep the tenses consistent)

right as I go - right as I went. (tenses again)

will take you to a beautiful masterpiece, and also displays my passion and dedication - you've changed from 2nd person ("you") to first person ("my"), and the sentence is a bit long. How about something like this: "...will take you to a beautiful masterpiece. Drawing also displays my passion and the dedication behind it."

When challenge is fulfilled, I am filled with satisfactory and triumph - When a challenge is fulfilled, I am filled with satisfaction and triumph...

Passion and dedication is the key - Passion and dedication are the keys

You've done a nice job of telling a personal story to illustrate your point, and you've chosen two good attributes as the subject of your essay. I wish you all the best, and hope you are admitted to your favorite schools!

Thanks!

Sarah
EssayForum.com

Research Papers / Marketing Assignment of The Heinz U.S.A Company [24]

Continued:

Children
Most of the American kids[American kids] are attracted to anything that portrays "fun" and "adventure" with a little of the "gross" factor involved. Children's influence increases with age and they influenced household buying and they often influence [age. They influence household buying and often influence] their parents' choice of products. Packaging technology continues to improve as consumers demand safer, more convenient, and recyclable containers. The classic narrow-neck design of the Heinz ketchup bottle established the norm for the industry.

Heinz initially utilized packaging strategy to satisfy the needs and wants of kids by recommended a fun, creative food experience to them. This is an unique structure that allows kids to create a work of art in ketchup while enjoying the great taste of Heinz ketchup in novel colors like green and purple. Its easy-to-squeeze soft layers of plastic, a narrow nozzle, and kid-friendly structure were integral to the product's success in reaching the target market. The new Heinz bottle[,] which was ergonomically designed with softer plastic material, [features] custom fit curves and a nozzle as it can easily handled by the kids attribute [nozzle. The fact that it can easily be handled by kids has contributed to] the success of its Blastin Green Concept [Blastin' Green concept]. In addition, the main character SHREK, which create[created the] 'green' world movie happens to be green will appear [movie, will appear] on the green bottles, while the fairy-tale heroine "Princess Fiona" will appear on the red bottles. (prnewswire/cg-bin)

Heinz continues to improve the quality of ketchup by developing tomato strains that are superior in colour, flavour, and firmness. Tomato hybrids are also engineered to improve resistance to disease and rot, thus decreasing the reliance on chemical pesticides. After the success of its Heinz Blastin' Green (HBG), the company continues to manufacture other lively colours in its product range and further research found that purple was the next favourite colours among the kids due to the "Harry Potter" phenomenon.

I think that will do it for question 1. :-) Just be sure to include all the necessary cites. (I know I'm repeating myself, but it's REALLY important!) I'll answer your next post shortly.

Sarah
EssayForum.com

Research Papers / Marketing Assignment of The Heinz U.S.A Company [24]

Continued:

Parents
According to Gerber, they are focusing on the family's influence on children's consumption of these foods[,] as lifelong eating patterns are established in childhood, when [early in life. It is in childhood that] the family provides the first and perhaps most fundamental context in which children's relationship with food is formed. With respect to alternative evaluation, Heinz Company provides information about their products, promotions, meal planner, red zone recipes and etc [recipes, etc.,] to their customers with a deeper understanding to [more detailed informatin about] the nutrition facts of the food products that ingestion by their kids [their kids ingest]. It enable[s] the entire family of their clients can[to] eat healthier, [and] save time and money.

Marketing communications play an essential role in creating positive brand equity and building strong brand loyalty. By the unique and positive images via advertising, messages yet Heinz had established the trust [Heinz established trust] of the brand gradually in their market segment. Consumers don't purchase "tomato ketchup" merely for its taste; they instead purchase a lifestyle and an image when selecting Heinz over other available brands as [because] the significant attributes of Heinz had lodge in consumers' memories.

In response to environmental concerns, recyclable plastic containers were also developed. Consumer[s] believed that plastic bottle[s] was [were] not only more convenient than glass for pouring the thick sauce, but also safer. Thus, they will felt relieved to let their children hold the bottles on hand [they were comfortable with letting their children handle the bottles]. Attention to business ethics is on the rise across the world and many companies realize that [they need to behave ethically] in order to succeed,[.] as Heinz practicing CSR [Heinz's practice of CSR] in their business industry [in their industry] and it will earn [will earn] the respect and confidence of their customers.

Continued in next post...

Sarah
EssayForum.com

Research Papers / Marketing Assignment of The Heinz U.S.A Company [24]

Greetings!

I'll see what I can do to help. Let me say first that you seem to have written a well-researched essay. I would caution you, however, to make sure you have cited any information that you got from an outside source, whether you quoted it directly or not. :-)

Since the essay is so long, we'll have to do this in more than one post. I'll paste the first part below and make suggesions in [brackets].

The H.J. Heinz Company is one of the world's leading marketers of branded foods to retail and foodservice channels. H.J. Heinz Company makes processed food products like condiments, sauces, and frozen foods. The company is best known for its namesake brand, Heinz ketchup and their HeinzSeed is recognized globally as the premier hybrid processing tomato Seed Company [seed company]delivering the best tasting, highest field performance, and the best consistency of tomato varieties in the world. According to Heinz, it[the company] aims to increase knowledge and awareness of health issues, encourage nutritious choices and active lifestyles, and accelerate the research and development that help find solutions to health problems and diseases. [If this information is taken from their website, be sure to cite it. Also, if you quoted it directly, put it in quotation marks.]

In pursuit of health and convenience, people pay more attention to the health [nutritional]issue [issues] of ketchup, which are[ketchup. Consumers want products that are] not only delicious and nutritious but also of high pharmaceutical value and they have shown a growing demand for healthier food alternatives. Customer demands put pressure on companies to seek for new innovative products in order to remain competitive. Heinz ketchup makes important predictions and recommendations regarding the future of U.S. market, and pinpoints ways current and prospective marketers can capitalize on current trends and spearhead new ones. As healthy eating starts with getting [the] right balance of food in our diet, riding this wave of consumer sentiment, Heinz introduced certified organic ketchup, called "Heinz Organic Ketchup", and "Heinz Light", which are [is a] low sugar ketchups[ketchup].

Consumer needs and wants is[are] part of the marketing orientation. Needs are unsatisfactory conditions that prompt the consumer to an action that will make the condition better; wants are desires to obtain more satisfaction than is absolutely necessary to improve an unsatisfactory condition. Heinz Company targeted its market by understand [understanding] consumer behavior, how consumers perceived [perceive], learn, and make decisions to satisfy their needs and wants. Parents and kids are two of the segmented portion [two segmented portions]of a larger market.

Heinz tomato ketchup line is the biggest seller in the U.S. market. Heinz Company launched a series of marketing research techniques and strategies to understand the needs and wants of kids in relation to food consumption that they believed can tap into the growing market. "Blast"-derived descriptors are becoming all the rage on the consumer landscape, especially for products aimed at kids and young adults with the collaboration of Dream Works Productions, which is a popular animation company in U.S. [This bit of information probably needs more explanation.]

To be continued in the next post... :-)

Sarah
EssayForum.com

Research Papers / a traffic-free zone in downtown Panama city [2]

Greetings!

I'll be happy to help, although I'm afraid I don't know anything about the topic. I can help with writing advice, however.

Let's start with the first paragraph:

Downtown Panama City is involved all the areas from Tomba Muerto to Avenida Balboa. These areas (main streets) have always been a traffic problem. - Downtown Panama City contains streets from Tomba Muerto to Avenida Balboa. These main streets have always been a traffic problem.

no space for subway, sky train. - no space for subways or sky trains.

That's all I see that needs changing in the excerpts you sent. As for advice on solutions--your research on the topic should help you find solutions that have been suggested by other people. Once you have discovered what other people think, you can agree or disagree with them and offer your own suggestions for improvement.

I wish you the best of luck with your paper!

Sarah
EssayForum.com

Essays / A silent scream, imaginative emotions - Narrative essay [16]

Greetings!

You're welcome--I'm glad to help, especially since I'm a writer, too. Believe it or not, I couldn't tell that you're not a native speaker of English. :-) You are, indeed, fluent in English. (Note that "affluent" means something different. ;-) .) Many native speakers do not write as well as you do.

I definitely like the changes you've made. Carly seems more believable now. The background from the orphanage really helps. Adding the part about her talking to herself makes it clear that she's not catatonic, just deeply troubled. That's more realistic.

Hmm...for the last sentence(s)...How about something like:

"She felt a scream rising in her throat, a scream that would bring the walls down around her, shatter her world--if she released it.

They found her in the hall, utterly silent. Teddy's furry paw covered her mouth."

Teddy's paw could even be IN her mouth, if you don't think that's too gross.

I'll look forward to seeing the final version of your story!

Sarah
EssayForum.com

Essays / A silent scream, imaginative emotions - Narrative essay [16]

Something else I forgot to mention:

Judging by your last post, you are thinking like a writer! Knowing your character's backstory is important to give her depth. Even if you don't state her background explicitly in the story, you can indicate it by her behaviors and thoughts. Also, the things that other people say about her or to her can reveal a little about what she's gone through.

So--excellent work, and keep thinking like a writer!

Sarah

Essays / A silent scream, imaginative emotions - Narrative essay [16]

Greetings!

Yes, I think it would help to tell more about Carly's past and why she is so traumatized. Being orphaned is bad enough without also having to endure harsh treatment by Sister Malloy.

I think the conversation between Mike and Lisa is pretty clear. You let the reader know that they were simply not satisfied with Carly once they got her home. I'm wondering if these people should even be parents. ;-) That's especially true if they failed to notice that Carly is out dancing on the lawn every night. Makes me wonder why they wanted a child in the first place. That's something you might consider addressing in their conversation.

This really is an affecting story. Just clear up the ambiguities, strengthen the ending, and it will be good to go!

BTW, does your school have a student publication? I know many schools do. If so, you should definitely submit some of your work. I think other people would enjoy reading it.

Again, best of luck!

Sarah
EssayForum.com

Essays / The black church - Help with thesis statement [2]

Greetings!

Yes, I think that is a good thesis statement. You make a statement that you must support in your essay, which exactly the point of the thesis. It also does a good job of answering the essay question about reconciliation in the black church.

As long as you are able to find opinion on both sides of the issue, and plenty of support for your position, you should be fine with your thesis.

Thanks, and good luck!

Sarah
EssayForum.com

Grammar, Usage / WPE at Cal State Long Beach question [3]

Greetings!

I think you were right to give your honest opinion. This is what the topic seems to call for. This is especially true since the question asks "to what extent do you agree or disagree" with the statement. That gives you some latitude for examining both sides of the issue. I'm assuming that your essay stated the ways in which personal communications and people skills might be affected, then gave reasons for the opposing views as well. Like most issues today, this one is complicated and there are no easy answers. As long as you clearly stated your true opinion, you should be just fine.

Thanks, and good luck!

Sarah
EssayForum.com

Essays / A silent scream, imaginative emotions - Narrative essay [16]

Greetings!

Another fine story! I like the creepiness in this one, and the way you utilized the image from the painting. :-) Here are a few corrections and suggestions:

"Carly stepped her foot on the marble floor. Each step gave her chills." - How about "Carly crept into the hall, each step on the marble floor bringing a deeper chill." Or something like that.

"staring into the space." - staring into space

"...in the darkness uncontrollably a shadow quivered." - a shadow quivered uncontrollably.

"The parent's voice..." - parents' voices

"A drop of tear rolled on Carly's cheeks," - A teardrop rolled down Carly's cheek,

"Teddy was squished in the quivering hands of Carly." - Her quivering hand squished Teddy. (Using active voice instead of passive.)

"...tearing away the silent." - silence

"...Teddy was dropped on her lap." - Teddy fell to her lap. (Active voice again.)

"The silent scream was too much for anyone to take." - I like the image of the silent scream here, but the second part of the sentence could be stronger--especially since it's the last thing the reader will remember. Perhaps you could say that the scream would cover the earth, or echo forever, or shatter the walls--something really dramatic--if it were released.

I got the point that Sister Malloy was responsible for Carly's silence, although I'm not sure that a little girl who wants a family so badly would be silent only because a mean nun had told her to. Could Sister Malloy's nastiness perhaps remind her of earlier trauma? Crippling silence must have deep roots.

One last thing: I'm not clear as to whether the moonlight dancing with Teddy was real or imaginary. If she is actually dancing after dinner every night, this clashes with the image of her as near-catatonic. If the dancing is imaginary, maybe Mike could say she hums waltzes and stares off into space as if she were watching a dance only she could see. If the dancing is real, she'd have to do it secretly and unobserved, or else the parents would know she isn't catatonic all the time.

If you can work out this minor inconsistencies, you will have a truly affecting story; actually it's most of the way there already. Thanks for sharing it!

Sarah
EssayForum.com

Writing Feedback / Topic: Every rule has its exceptions; SAT essay [5]

Oops, I missed one: :-)

...maybe the whole world today would still believe that scientific rules...

Writing Feedback / Topic: Every rule has its exceptions; SAT essay [5]

Greetings!

You've written a fine essay! I'll be glad to help with fixing a few minor details:

One of the examples that shows how exception is inevitable can be observed in our work.

Every day, we have to work hard to obtain our goals.

...strictly, with many...

He must improve his writing skills and learn many vocabulary words for his coming test.

His aim is to study hard every day in a week and four weeks in a month.

...if he studied overnight...

Let's take Einstein's theory of relativity as an example.

...object or phenomenon is subject to the rules of physics.

Eistein's theory was proved by later scientic experements.

...maybe the whole world today would still believe that scientic rules...

The importance of exceptions to rules is enormous.

Without it, we might consider all problems in the same way and solve them with the same solutions.

Rules have exceptions in order to be applied more fairly and effectively.

You've made good points in your essay, and your English is very good. Just fix these small errors, and you should do well.

Thanks, and good luck!

Sarah
EssayForum.com

Research Papers / Adoptive parents - argumentative Research Paper I have thesis! [2]

Greetings!

It sounds like you've been assigned an argumentative or persuasive essay, and that you're supposed to give the arguments for and against openness in adoptions. I think the best way to begin this would be to put yourself in the place of the party most concerned.

Visualize yourself as the adoptive parent. Then think of why it might be good for your child to know the biological parent, and why it might be bad. I'm sure you can come up with several arguments for each side if you think of the subject as something that affects real people.

Once you've looked at it from the "people" perspective, you can research on the Internet. There should be many articles and opinion pieces available, since this is a fairly controversial topic. You could try a search for "open adoption";opinon, or something like that. There will no doubt be journal articles available through your university library's database as well. Try searching in databases for psychology and sociology. If you're not sure how to do this, ask your librarian.

I hope this helps you get started. Truly, the best place to begin is by putting yourself in the shoes of adoptive parents and imagining how you would feel about the proposals.

Good luck!

Sarah
EssayForum.com

Undergraduate / Humane Environment; Northwestern U TRANSFER/ UNIQUE QUALITIES [2]

Greetings!

You've done great things with your essay! Only a few of the phrases need a little minor adjusting. Beginning with paragraph 1:

"emphasizes" - emphasis

"grandiose" - you might want to look up the definition of this word; I'm not sure it's what you really mean

"But I found myself gradually losing this kind of impulse submerging in the atmosphere of studying for GPA in the university." - But I found this impulse being gradually submerged as I studied hard to keep my GPA high.

"the environment of humane flavor" - the humane environment

"which will take the advantage to soar over" - which will have the advantage of soaring over

"Under my father's influence, an international manager with a finance degree, I have developed a strong interest in this area." - I developed a strong interest in this area under the influence of my father, an international manager with a finance degree.

"about the economic phenomena happening around." - about economic phenomena.

"shocked me by its "invisible" but orderly" - use "their" instead of "its"

"I was began to" - I began to

"to devote to constructing" - to devote myself to constructing

"generations" - generation

"early stage," - early age,

"I have become" - I have been

"orphan" - orphanage

"Therefore I hope to make my own contribution to coordinate the　donation festival which could be designed more attracting." - Therefore, I hope to make my own contribution by coordinating the donation festival, which could be more attractively designed.

You have very good, convincing essays. I wish you the best of luck!

Sarah
EssayForum.com

Research Papers / Federal Budget research paper [6]

Greetings!

I think that's a good idea, and very timely in light of the upcoming presidential elections. If you think it supports your topic, you might even mention the candidates' positions on tax cuts and federal spending.

The budget is very imbalanced, as you probably know, and the national debt is high. You should be able to find lots of opinion pieces in newspapers and academic journals that mention this. Also, domestic programs have been in danger of budget slashing as tax cuts have taken effect, and this has been going on ever since the Reagan adminstration.

Just be sure to follow your instructor's guidelines and you should be fine. Good luck!

Sarah
EssayForum.com

Writing Feedback / Inflation, a small change causes huge impacts - Causes and Effects essay. [4]

You're certainly welcome. :-) Your English is very good, so please don't be discouraged! English is a difficult language, and I'm amazed that anyone EVER learns it! Just keep practicing your speaking and your writing, and you'll be amazed at the progress you'll make. I can say this with certainty: I know someone (an English-speaker) who started corresponding with French-speaking people on the Internet. She barely knew any French when she began. Now, a few months later, she knows quite a bit. It will take a lot more practice for her to become fluent, but she'll get there. I think you are quite fluent. You just need a little help with the details, which can be quite confusing. But that's why we're here!

Writing Feedback / "You do not understand me at all!"; Trapped Essay [4]

Greetings!

I was always puzzled about the "I" vs. "me" thing until a very wise teacher taught me the trick about taking the other person out of the sentence. Works every time!

I think you should get a high score, but I wouldn't venture to say what it should be. Every instructor is different, and each has particular criteria for an assignment. I think you can be proud of your writing, though. ;-)

As for the editing, I've found that reading my work out loud is the best way to, literally, hear what doesn't sound right. You can also read it to other people and ask them to let you know if there's anything they don't understand or that sounds odd. (Needless to say, this refers to literate people with good taste.) You can also take advantage of your university's Writing Center, assuming they have one. The entire purpose of a Writing Center is to help students hone their composition skills.

Good job--thanks!

Sarah
EssayForum.com

Research Papers / Federal Budget research paper [6]

Greetings!

You're right--"the federal budget" is a VERY broad topic. :-) Without having seen your instructions, I'm not really sure what your professor wants. I can, however, make a few suggestions. If they are similar to your instructions, maybe they'll help.

You could try focusing on just one area of the budget (Social Security, for instance, or foreign economic aid). You can probably find the information you need on appropriations and spending by doing an Internet search. I'd use terms like "budget", "United States", and "appropriations." Government web sites might be particularly helpful.

You can also see what your college library has to offer. Your library database should have journal articles on specific areas of the budget. A librarian should be able to help you find what you need. (Books and periodicals could help as well.)

Sometimes seeing what's available in a broad area can help you choose a more narrow topic. You might find something that you find interesting. Ask yourself questions if you have an area of interest: "Does the government fund Artic wildlife research? What percentage of the total budget goes for Medicare payments? Does the United States spend more on undersea programs or the space program?" These are just a few topics; I'm sure you can think up many more.

When all else fails, ask your professor for more details. :-) That's usually the best way to find out exactly what to do.

Thanks, and good luck!

Sarah
EssayForum.com

Writing Feedback / Narrative Essay (It all started when someone said PIZZA) [2]

Greetings!

It sounds like you have a family full of good cooks! Let me answer your three opening questions first:

*You do a good job of involving the reader in the action
*The narrative starts from the first word
*You kept the focus on the main narrative all the way through

Here are some things that I noticed that you might want to address:

In paragraph two, did you mean to say "branches" rather than "birches"?

"arms lengths distance" - should be "arm's length"

You have a few run-on sentences. Here's an example: "Kneeling down I inspected the firebricks and the clay dome, I determined that it was time to light a fire inside the oven and prepare it for the baking." You'll notice that each of the clauses here could be a complete sentence on its own. You could either turn it into two sentences or insert a connecting word after the comma: "...clay dome, and I determined..." You'll find a few more of these if you'll look through the essay again.

"processed" - I think you mean "proceeded"

"Ross and Rebekah both younger siblings" - you need some commas: "Ross and Rebekah, both younger siblings,"

"The oven had now soaked" - is "soaked" the correct verb?

You did a nice job of maintaining your narrative. Just go back through and identify your run-on sentences and you'll be fine.

Thanks, and good luck!

Sarah
EssayForum.com

Writing Feedback / Running away - essay writing [2]

Greetings!

I love this story! I'm especially fond of the twist at the end. You have a real knack for capturing the viewpoint of children. I have only a few suggestions:

You might want to mention in paragraph one that David's sister is named Claudia. That way the reader won't have to figure out who Claudia is later on.

"plight" of stairs? :-)

"The tree was dancing their awkward waltz, blowing heavy wind, making David quiver." - You've got "their" referring to just one tree. Also, I think you may have meant "blowing in the heavy wind".

"ears" in the last paragraph should be singular.

You've done a fine job. Keep up the good writing!

Sarah
EssayForum.com

Grammar, Usage / MLA documentation question! [3]

Greetings, again!

A lightning flash took over the above post before I could finish it!

To continue: Purdue also has an APA citation site. I can't post the link here, but you can do a search for "MLA citations", and it should come up.

You are correct to cite your factual information, whether it's a quotation or not. You can legitimately cite the AMA journal if you can access it through your university library library database (which you probably can). The librarians would be able to help you.

The best way to learn citation styles, assuming you don't want to purchase the manuals, is to search out relevant web pages online. As I mentioned, the Purdue site (which they call OWL) is excellent.

Good luck, and thanks!

Sarah
EssayForum.com

Grammar, Usage / MLA documentation question! [3]

Greetings!

Purdue University has an excellent website for MLA citation. (They also have one for APA

Writing Feedback / Inflation, a small change causes huge impacts - Causes and Effects essay. [4]

Greetings!

You make some good points in your essay! I think your English is quite good, for the most part. I had no trouble understanding your meaning. There are some corrections that need to be made, however:

"most worried problems of all economies" - worrisome economic problems

"the main factor created their ..." - the main economic factor will suffer a lot because of inflation,

"developing countries are not in ..." - developing countries are not in a better situation during inflationary periods.

"In Asia, Vietnam becomes the country ..." - In Asia, Vietnam has suffered the most from inflation.

"struggle for their lives every day, ..." - struggle in their daily lives, the unemployment rate grows higher,

"inflation of the country." - inflation in the country

"become so familiar to" - be familiar to

"impacts of that small number to their lives," - impact of that small number on their lives.

"especially foods and clothes which are the most ..." - Necessities such as food and clothes are affected the most."

"For example, a canned fish that was about one dollar six months ago ..." - For example, canned fish that was one dollar six months ago is now one dollar and fifty cents.

"that added cents." - that added cost.

"most people are in average or even low class;" - most people are members of the middle or lower classes;

"less than wage of an American" - less than the wage of an American

"less money on new cars or motorbikes, and expensive clothes to get ..." - less money on new cars, motorbikes, or expensive clothes to have enough food and affordable clothing for their family.

"People are not only the one affected by inflation ..." - People are not the only ones affected by inflation; companies and factories are as well.

"to face with inflation, they end up their problems" - to deal with inflation, they end their problems

"such as running in smaller-size factories, firing" such as running smaller-size factories and firing

"Unskilled and old workers now become ..." - Unskilled and older workers now become the first targets of firings.

"Moreover, in Vietnam, most workers are unskilled which do not have any college ..." - Moreover, in Vietnam most workers are unskilled. This means they do not have college degrees, are paid low wages, and have very few legal protections.

"inflation periods;" - inflationary periods;

"unemployed ones. With no college degree, they cannot find ..." - are then unemployed. With no college degree, it is difficult for them to find another job.

"As the result, inflation causes the ..." - As a result, inflation causes the unemployment rate to go higher;

"... to their foods now becomes their nightmares." - and a small amount added to their food bill becomes a nightmare.

"The change in inflation is maybe small and is only measured in ..." - The change in inflation rates may be measured in small percentages, but its impact can be unimaginable.

"For economy, it slows down the development," - Economically, it slows down development,

"run in smaller sizes," - down-size

"making unemployment rate go higher." - raising the unemployment rate.

Does your university have a Writing Center? Many do. Writing Centers exist to help students with the basics of composition and are especially helpful for people learning to speak English. You are doing very well with your English composition, but there is always more to learn, even for native speakers.

Good luck, and thanks!

Sarah
EssayForum.com

Writing Feedback / "All Quiet on the Western Front" [3]

Greetings!

You have a well-written essay here! Good work. I think all you really need to do is proof-read it. I will point out a few things that you missed, but I'd advise you to go over it carefully yourself.

"6 young German's" -- Spell out "six" and there should not be an apostrophe in "Germans."

"mainb" "deliberateive system taht" "psycological" "Sever" -- examples of typos

"Human's" -- no apostrophe

"emote" -- is this the word you meant to use?

"from evolution" -- I think you mean "through evolution"

You've really done quite a good job. All you need is a little proofing. Good luck!

Sarah
EssayForum.com

Writing Feedback / "You do not understand me at all!"; Trapped Essay [4]

Greetings!

You've written a very nice story! I found it moving, and your descriptions are quite vivid. I think you are a talented writer.

The only advice I have is to proof-read carefully. I found a few typos and some phrases that, while cute, are probably not what you meant (e.g., "clock tickling"). And "me and my father" should be "my father and I." You may already know this, but when trying to decide whether to use "me" or "I", take out the other person's name and see what you would use then. You wouldn't say "me was chatting in the living room," so the correct pronoun is "I."

Very good work. Good luck!

Sarah
EssayForum.com