Unanswered [3] | Urgent [0]
  

Posts by ibsurd2012
Joined: Sep 17, 2011
Last Post: Sep 30, 2011
Threads: 1
Posts: 9  

From: South Africa

Displayed posts: 10
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ibsurd2012   
Sep 30, 2011
Writing Feedback / 'a hero that we have looked up to' - SAT [NEW]

The discovery that someone we admire has done something wrong is always disappointing and disillusioning. Yet even when people we consider heroes have been tarnished by their faults, they are no less valuable than people who appear perfect. When we learn that an admired person, even one who is seemingly perfect, has behaved in less than admirable ways, we discover a complex truth: great ideas and great deeds come from imperfect people like ourselves.

Assignment: Do we benefit from learning about the flaws of people we admire and respect?

Most of have, at some point in our lives, had a hero that we have looked up to, a role model that has represented a quixotic fantasy of perfection. These figures hold much significance in our daily lives, as we strive to become just as respectable, successful and "perfect" as they are. As a child, I naively envisioned my life as the subsequent chronicle in the Justice League of America, fighting to protect innocent civilians from harm and promoting peace across the globe. These people were never late, they never questioned authority and they effectively lived the most ethical and moral lives possible, an immense achievement indeed. It made me feel like I could do anything, go anywhere, and be whoever I wanted to be, to achieve my individual form of "nirvana". Later in my life, I switched, like many other adolescent teens, to what I saw as the next phase of idealized idolism. Along with millions of other people around the world, I became obsessed with the seemingly omnipotent character of Tiger Woods, a child prodigy that inspired the world to take up a sport that was, for a long time, not even something I would've considered to be playing at the age of 13. However, all of us were dramatically shocked by the tragic news of his adultery that was publicized in every nook and cranny of the media world. All of his fame respect and my view of him as a mentor dissipated in a mere instant of public humiliation, the world would never again look at him the same way. Unfortunately, due to a human mistake, he came crashing down from his utopian pedestal to a mere mortal on the spot. However, we need to think more carefully about why this event was so shocking and devastating. Almost all of this publicity and dismay, stemmed from the fact that he had been living behind of a mask of perfection. I believe that the notion of perfection in itself is inherently flawed, an idealized illusion, that measures us humans against the supernatural and fictional world, much like my characters from the Justice League of America. Therefore, the whole experience was more humbling and inspiring than any other fictional character could ever be, to see a man so human, achieve such greatness. Naturally, no human being should in any way be considered to be without his flaws, to think so would be blind, and I believe that through these mistakes and mishaps, we are able to learn more by seeing these individuals for what they are, and not as a creation of our over-active imaginations.
ibsurd2012   
Sep 23, 2011
Undergraduate / 'club involvement' - Model United Nations essay on the common-app [3]

My club involvement started at zero, my grades lower then I would have liked, and my courses easy, more astonishingly this was still as step up from middle school and elementary before that. Still I have grown; in harder courses I have earned better grades; and in more clubs I have been more involved in each one. I relish this growth, and I want to keep growing and learning for the rest of my life.

Your essay does answer the prompt and I find the narrative to be very engaging and well-written. I would however like to comment on the last part of your essay which does not actually deal with the MUN experience, but your personal growth. I think that you could do better by integrating these ideas into one harmonious flow, much like your personal growth story. i.e. Coming from zero club involvement and disappointing grades, I have certainly matured and grown through my years of development through the school system. I became accustomed to working hard, to earning those amazing grades the hard way and becoming part of my larger school community. Something like that, this is just a rough suggestion of course.

I wish you much success in your college application :)
ibsurd2012   
Sep 23, 2011
Undergraduate / 'Myriad qualities and characteristics' - bump in the road [2]

Hi There

I think your ideas are good and the prompt is answered, but the writing could be improved. The first quote

"One out of every four teenagers is bullied during the school year." The obstacle in my personal life is that I am one out of those every four students.

could be better integrated into one sentence i.e. "One out of every four teenagers is bullied during the school year", and I was one of them, as an example. I think that you should try and show the obstacle that bullying was to you rather than saying "the obstacle in my personal life is" cause that's what the prompt is telling you to show. I also think that the ideas could be structured better by using a coherent flow instead of giving point by point information. I also think that the last sentence should be illustrated through perhaps your sheer determination to succeed in spite of bullying and the effects that it had your life instead of

I am responsible and committed.

Hope this helps. If you need more help I'm always available.
ibsurd2012   
Sep 23, 2011
Research Papers / Investigating how a computer and its components works [5]

Hi Ranjit

I'm not sure that this is the place to ask for career advise, I would suggest that you look up the possible career options that you might have on the internet e.g. IT Manager or something similar and look at the requirements for that particular course at a university that you plan to apply to. I would advise you to check out recruitment sites to find possible jobs in your field. Please let me know about where you are situated so that we can establish the steps going forward.

Hope this helps
ibsurd2012   
Sep 23, 2011
Undergraduate / "The Bee Effect" - Cornell supplement for ALS [2]

First off, I'd like to say that it is an impressive essay, it flows very nicely and accentuates your personal voice, and the prompt is clearly answered. I would also like to comment though on the following part:

condescending friends and family can imagine- and I plan to fulfill this dream and overcome all of life's bloodthirsty demons and bone-crunching traps in my way.

I would suggest that you tone it down just a notch "bloodthirsty demons" and "bone-crunching traps" I believe could be replaced by more subtle references to life's trials and tribulations. It gives the impression that life is out to get you, which I don't believe is the message you are trying to get across.

Hope this helps.
ibsurd2012   
Sep 21, 2011
Writing Feedback / Keep analyzing the decisions of the authority to prevent fraud and promote democracy [4]

Hey There

Personally, I would give your essay a 5, because I think the content is relevant, examples are effectively integrated and the use of language seems more than adequate. Good luck with your prep ;). Please review my essay on the same question as I would like to hear what you think. Thanks
ibsurd2012   
Sep 20, 2011
Undergraduate / "Parking! Parking!" - A Thrilling experience I had ever met [3]

Hi There. I would not like to comment too negatively on the essay, because I believe that content-wise your essay looks to be very promising. On the grammatical front, I would like to suggest that you have a look at several of your phrases, as they could be constructed much more effectively. e.g. "It too darkness, There were few cars running on highway." could be better expressed as "It was very dark, and there were only a few cars on the highway." After reading the essay, the impression I get is that English is not your first language and therefore you should consult your english teacher for help with more effective use of language.

I hope that this helps you to succeed. All the best
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