Unanswered [9] | Urgent [0]
  

Posts by ChihiroLavi
Joined: Nov 8, 2011		 Last Post: Dec 31, 2011
Threads: 4
Posts: 52  


Displayed posts: 56 / page 2 of 2
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ChihiroLavi   
Dec 26, 2011
Undergraduate / 'The desire to be free' - German needs help with MIT essay [16]

I agree with guys above that you should delete "first"　and "second", maybe you could try some natural connection.

Other part I think is great!Although the Admission 2012 gives you a review, maybe by some professional guys, I personally think your context is good. I mean, what's the most important is "you" rather than "fake thinking" right? If you do not really feel something toooo deep, I think it's still okay because I could see "you" through this essay, not just trying to satisfy anybody.

Just my suggestion, hope it could help.
ChihiroLavi   
Dec 27, 2011
Undergraduate / 'my capacity for being a kind person' - Brown: the most insight into you [4]

Hi I'm also a Chinese and I could totally understand what you're talking about, I feel exactly the same way.

However, I agree with guys above me that you should maybe change a topic because this is too cynical.Although it shows who you're but it's not the way the admission

office would like. They like people who involve in community,right? b
ChihiroLavi   
Dec 29, 2011
Undergraduate / Julius Caesar is one of the most powerful pieces of literature; Amherst College Sup [3]

Hi I'm also working on this Amherst essay.

I personally think that you don't need the paragraph of the comparison of literature and theater if you feel it not what you really want to talk about.I mean, that paragraph is a little bit unexpected because it seems not so related to other parts and I feel you write it just because the prompt mention that.But I guess the main point is on literature instead of the comparison, so whether mention that part seems okay....

Just my suggestion and I hope it could help.

Would you please look at my Brown Supp?THX a lot~b
ChihiroLavi   
Dec 29, 2011
Undergraduate / "The Captain" - Harvard Supplement- The prompt is write about anything [32]

I think it's well written but even there is no word limit, you should delete something 'cauz I really think the AO won't be that patient to finish reading your essay. It's good but I think you lack passion or something creative, like so many others you tell an experience in a so generic way. Do you think generic thing could get the attention of AO?

Also I couldn't feel so much feeling inside, "show', not "tell", I think you could make it more attractive to read. To be honest, I find it boring...
ChihiroLavi   
Dec 31, 2011
Undergraduate / 'infatuated with life' - Stanford Intellectual Vitality [5]

I'm sorry that it might sound harsh but I have to say that as soon as i saw AP biology, i feel this would be boring.I heard that you'd better not write things about exams.Just my suggestion.
ChihiroLavi   
Dec 31, 2011
Undergraduate / Stanford supplement -- bungee jumping [6]

Hey This is "what matters to you"right? I'm also applying for Stanford so the last sentence give me some hints.But my suggestion is that you should mention things about what matters to you much earlier, actually,I understand what's your answer when I finish your essay,I guess it would be better if you let us to know what's your point earlier.

Just my suggestion,hope it could help.
ChihiroLavi   
Dec 31, 2011
Undergraduate / "True learning" - Why UPenn essay [6]

It's well-written and my only suggestion is that don't use the words of Franklin.there are soooooooooo many people using them and it would makes you generic.

Just my suggestion,hope it could help.
ChihiroLavi   
Dec 31, 2011
Undergraduate / "Stabilization" - Stanford supplement---what matters to you [4]

Do I need to rewrite this? I felt good when I finished it but now I'm not so sure. Plz be harsh!

Possibility.

I know it is hard to believe that a Chinese should enjoy possibility, especially someone from undeveloped western part, where destinies of most people are already settled since they were born. However, I do.

Most people here are "supposed" to live their life. They go to schools which are the nearest to their homes, do jobs which are the same as their parents', marry people they have known since their childhood, and live the same life ever since. "Stabilization" is what all people seek after.

I was one of them but things began to change when I read a book in which one character could forecast his future. "No, it's not the life that I want." I said to myself, "I want possibility."

What I want is my curiosity for tomorrow in which limitless fresh things are waiting for me to explore and unknown future is driving me to study and work.

I picture myself to be enthusiastic in every day of my university life and to be ready to learn new ideas from the best peers and professors all around the world.

I imagine myself working on an innovative business project. Though it is bold, I would like to make an attempt because I believe that success always starts with risks.

I envision myself travelling around Europe, taking free rides from countries to countries, meeting and saying goodbye to new friends, and enjoying different cultures every day.

Although I may experience much unstable time with ups and downs, I still appreciate all these experiences whether they are sweet or bitter because they help me to grow, show me the wider world as well as the color of my life.

Although the road I choose may lead to nowhere and my energy will be a waste, I'll never regret because I've tried my best to build my dreams, and I'll always enjoy the scenery along my way whether I could arrive at the peak or not.

Although one day when I wake up I may realize that I am in an unfamiliar country with few people I know, I would love to learn about them and try everything new.

I cherish possibility because it inspires me to learn, to think, to feel, and to grow.
ChihiroLavi   
Dec 31, 2011
Undergraduate / "True learning" - Why UPenn essay [6]

I think the first one is great!Especially the part of your imagination,it's amazing!

About the second one, I think you may need some balance, make your problem shorter and add more things about how things make you change and how do you change,otehrwise I don't feel you answer the prompt properly.

Over all it's great!

Would you please look at my essays?THX!
ChihiroLavi   
Dec 31, 2011
Undergraduate / 'this madness our world is displaying' - Common App Main Essay [2]

I think it's great overall and the only change you maybe could make is that talking more about the importance to you.I think you use too many words on describing how serious the problem is and it feels a little like a textbook...

Only my suggestion,hope it could help.

Would you please look at my essay?THX!
ChihiroLavi   
Dec 31, 2011
Undergraduate / 'Happy college' + 'Stealing' + 'Cape Verde' + 'Harry P' + 'Try it' -Brown supplement [2]

I think they are all so great!!!

If I'm a nitpicker I would say that maybe you should say things a little bit more related to "you", like experience or something, instead of something like traslating their motto into your own language.But it's still great if you don't make any change.

Would you please look at mine?THX!
ChihiroLavi   
Dec 31, 2011
Undergraduate / 'Architecture builds a community' - Why I'm interested in this major essay [6]

it's really creative and could make you stand out.However, I agree with guys above that you need to make your point more clear. Maybe add a few sentences at the beginning and a conclusion at the end would make much better.

Would u plz look at mine?THX!
ChihiroLavi   
Dec 31, 2011
Undergraduate / 'Not going to keep playing violin anymore' - U-Penn [10]

I agree with the guy above that you need to make the start shorter, and I found it not quite conceivable when you said you wanted to gave up playing violin to rock climbing and what your teacher said. Also,maybe you could write more how UPenn will help you achieve your dreams or goals,like the last paragraph. I think that's far more important thing they would like to know.

Just my suggestion,hope it could help.

WOuld u plz look at mine?THX!

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