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Posts by Ramo
Joined: Nov 10, 2011
Last Post: Dec 26, 2011
Threads: 2
Posts: 11  

From: Saudi Arabia

Displayed posts: 13
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Ramo   
Dec 26, 2011
Undergraduate / 'future is the main issue' - stanford ... what matters to u & y ? [19]

I think you are a great writer, no doubt. However, I don't think your essay really nails the topic. I am sure that you are a very intelligent and devoted young man, however, your essay makes you seem somewhat conceited (again, I'm sure it's not the case). For example "I dream of being rich, owning a long black chauffeur-driven limousine and luxuriously grand house and having enough finances to be able to enjoy my life and to travel around the world." Everyone has those dreams, that's part of life, but mentioning them in an essay where you are asked to explain what MATTERS to you and why will not strike the right chord with the admission officers. When you pick a topic you have to show passion. You have to prove that it is something you love and that it means the world to you; that's why it matters. The part of your essay which focuses on global issues is perfect. It shows that you want to make a change and you are aware of issues around you. Again, I think you have great capabilities as a write, it's just that this essay doesn't rearlly work. Best of luck! let me know if you want me to check anything else. Also, if you don't mind can you please check my Yale supplement?

P.S. I'm sorry if I came across as mean or harsh. I'm just trying to help you out so you can hopefully get into Stanford.
Ramo   
Dec 26, 2011
Undergraduate / 'I loved my church' - Common App MAIN [9]

"It was ironic that, though I loved my church and half my identity was formed there, the term I was uncomfortable with was "Christian. ";Because it was painted one color..."

A semicolon is often substituted for the world "because" since you are expanding on a current idea. The period you had beforehand makes it an awkward sentence.

"As I started to be more open-minded and truly curious of how my own friends saw Christianity, I was surprised by their ideas when they shared with me " (this phrase is redundant).

"...it was human nature to be so; it was just a matter of our being willing"

"It was as I began to spend more time with my school friends outside of school , just for pleasure, and began to value them as I valued my church friends that communication freed up between us."

I think it's a great essay. It adds a lot of dimension to your candidacy and the lesson here doesn't apply solely to religion. It shows that you are a strong and independent student who is capable of making decisions for herself. Awesome job! If you have time I'd really appreciate if you could check out my Yale Supplement. If you're busy I completely understand.
Ramo   
Dec 25, 2011
Letters / (the best student to your institution) Recommendation Letter [8]

Make it:
Nonetheless, Mr. Usman participated in a government sponsored academic competition in which he defended his title, placing first, out of 42 thousand students, in the BISE Multan and second, out of 300 thousand students, in the Punjab Province. Furthermore, Muhammad also received a Gold medal from the Punjab government, a feat worth much praise. In light of all this, Muhammad prepared for these examinations on his own, without the help of any teachers. This shows his fierce determination to succeed and his incredible talents.
Ramo   
Dec 25, 2011
Undergraduate / 'Drawing is my guilty pleasure' - Johns Hopkins [11]

Thank you! That means A LOT coming from such an amazing and talented writer such as yourself! I'm 100000000% confident that you will get into all of you universities and I hope to see your name soon on TIME magazine for some amazing scientific discovery ;) Best of luck to you! let me know if you'd like me to check anything of yours.
Ramo   
Dec 25, 2011
Undergraduate / 'anatomy, yoga, and nutritional chemistry books' - Johns Hopkins [13]

Curled up on a sofa at the library, I sat among stacks of anatomy, yoga, and nutritional chemistry books, and researched (Awkward phrasing, the clause can't stand alone like that. Researched what? Or maybe say "and began to research").

Excellent essay! Your ending is simply perfect. It clearly states your intentions and if filled with passion which makes it all the more extraordinary. The essay is very personal and fuels sympathy, in a positive light of course. It makes me, and I'm sure it will make the admission officers, realize your struggles and how you have overcome them. You do not use them as an excuse, but rather you use them as building blocks to accomplish something phenomenal! Great job.

P.S. if you don't mind can you check out my Yale supplement? Only if you have time though, reading your essay was an honor =)
Ramo   
Dec 25, 2011
Undergraduate / 'an environment for self-learning' U Penn: What do you hope to learn and contribute [9]

Excellent essay! The most admirable thing about it is that it shows GENUINE interest. You are not simply attracted to the university because of its prestige, something admission officers hate to see, but rather you are passionate about the school for specific aspects that you mention above. Not only does it show your expertise on the school (the hints of flattery you use are bound to earn you positive points with the admission committee) but you integrate what you hope to learn and contribute very well. The grammar is excellent from what I can see. Again, this essay is perfect because it's passionate, it carries a distinct voice, it shows expertise, and it shows great promise from your part.
Ramo   
Dec 24, 2011
Undergraduate / 'serious about my flute playing' - Common App- prompt #1 [7]

This addresses the prompt perfectly. The experience you mention is also excellent as it deals with music, a plus for your admissions process. The imagery was phenomenal which essentially helps demonstrate your mastery of the English language and your intellect. It's really tough for me to tell you what to cut out as I feel your essay is strong throughout. It'll be up to you to determine what is more important as you seem to hit a couple big points and elaborate on them. Again, great essay and best of luck!
Ramo   
Dec 24, 2011
Undergraduate / 'I want to become an engineer' - MIT- which department or program [4]

I like the second essay. It shows that your decision to major in biomedical engineering is due to a personal experience and something that you are passionate about. It is this fact, more than anything else, that produces the most successful people in the world: being able to deal with things you truly love and are serious about. In terms of grammar, you might want to rephrase this part "solve these types of problems that most of us will never experience ". The part highlighted in red takes away from the significance of the issue at hand. By dismissing it as something "most of us will never experience" you diminish it's importance in today's world and it could give the wrong sign. As in I could easily respond and say, "then why is it so important if it'll probably only affect a minority." Obviously that's a very inconsiderate and harsh thing to say, but I just want to make sure your essay is perfect.
Ramo   
Dec 24, 2011
Undergraduate / 'I developed scoliosis, kyphosis, and lordosis' - Stanford- Intellectual Experience [12]

Your essay is very admirable and will undoubtedly set you apart from all other applicants. Your ambitions which have arisen from a personal and intricate experience adds an invaluable sense of accomplishment, perseverance, intellect, and most importantly promise to your essay. The people who are most successful in life are those who deal with something that is dear to them, and that is the case for you. In these types of essay, it is the CONTENT that matters, not necessarily how you put it all together. You have a great essay, the content is outstanding and it is as polished as it can be at this stage. There are no glaring mistakes and ideally transitions may be helpful, but that is if you were writing a full on essay; this, rather, is a short response. You have nothing to worry about! Great job!
Ramo   
Dec 24, 2011
Undergraduate / 'our lacrosse playoff game' - Extracurricular common app essay [4]

Excellent response. Contrary to silentspring, I actually believe that the initial introductions (attitude, anticipation, determination, ...) are very very very effective. Since the prompt asks you to elaborate on an extracurricular activity, these introductory words help establish aspects of your activity which make it admirable and commendable. Also, it enables you to extend a specific event to cover the entire extracurricular activity. Overall, excellently written, very unique, the organization is extraordinary and will undoubtedly impress the admission officers.
Ramo   
Nov 13, 2011
Undergraduate / 'Where is Schumacher?' - MIT [6]

It's very genuine and extremely well written. It will add a lot to your application process. I honestly can't find anything wrong with it. Great job!
Ramo   
Nov 10, 2011
Undergraduate / 'Magdi Yacoub is the reason' -a person who has had a significant influence [5]

Hey Guys! This is my first post so I hope all goes well. I'm applying to some very very competitive schools so I'd really appreciate any feedback on my essay! Thanks a bunch =)

"(protecting my name), write down the number quickly so we can make a donation!" my mom yelled. Not paying much attention, I picked up a pencil and paper, scribbling down the number that was on the bottom left of the television screen. As the commercial was coming to an end, the phrase "It's difficult to leave a child with an aching heart" (translated from Arabic) resounded through the small living room, amplifying my parents distressed look. Not quite understanding what just happened, I reviewed what I had blindly written on the paper; it read "The Magdi Yacoub Heart Foundation - 0100024611/22." Quite honestly, this was gibberish to me at the time. I could not comprehend its significance as I had never seen the commercial before, nor have I been familiar with the Magdi Yacoub Heart Foundation. I asked my parents, "Who is Magdi Yacoub?" Their answer was one I would never forget: "Magdi Yacoub..." my mom said with a warm smile, "...is the heart and pride of Egypt."

Burning with curiosity, I wondered to myself, "What does she mean the heart and pride of Egypt? How come I've never heard of him?" I hurried over to the laptop in my room with a fierce determination to find out exactly who Magdi Yacoub was. Spending hours upon hours reading articles and websites dissecting his childhood and his colossal achievements I was mesmerized by this brilliant saint. His surgical skills were unsurpassed, his generosity was beyond comprehension, and his intelligence was extraordinary. He was leading the life I only dreamt of. It was this man who made everything possible in my life.

Magdi Yacoub is the reason I can proudly say that I want to be a cardiac surgeon and help those whom are less fortunate and be the very best at what I do. He instilled an ambition in me that thrives from academic excellence, compassion, global awareness, and a desire to succeed. This experience shaped my character and my view on life. I began to volunteer at the local hospital whenever I could to help patients and learn as much about the medical field as I could. I spent hours upon hours reading medical case studies, trying to satisfy my limitless thirst for knowledge. Distractions that had once dominated my life, like YouTube, video games, and television had become insignificant. I began to realize what I truly wanted out of life: help others, understand the human body, become a world renowned heart surgeon, and become the heart and pride of Egypt.

My performance in school was significantly enhanced as I developed a genuine interest in all my subjects. For example, I was eager to read the next chemistry chapter on organic chemistry and do the practice AP Calculus questions at the back of the book. Magdi Yacoub inspired me to always try my best and to accept the fact that sometimes it may entail failure, but you only improve because of it. He taught me to make a difference.