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Posts by pitt4life01
Joined: Dec 3, 2011
Last Post: Dec 25, 2011
Threads: 5
Posts: 8  

From: United States of America

Displayed posts: 13
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pitt4life01   
Dec 25, 2011
Undergraduate / Why I Joined MUN (Model United Nations) EC Essay - Common app [7]

Just to make it sound a little more professional, I would use the word "insights" instead of "viewpoints".

Also, specify the location of CISSMUN

Replace "told of" -> "described"

"and physical abuse she told of, but " -> A period belongs there, not a comma. Otherwise, it would be a run on sentence. Also, instead of "But, I was further shocked to learn", say "However, what shocked me more (or most) was that"

Very good essay, just a few edits to make it sound more legit, but very good central ideas!
pitt4life01   
Dec 25, 2011
Undergraduate / 'helping the community' - What learn from and contribute to the Penn Community [3]

Prompt: Considering both the specific undergraduate school to which you are applying and the unique aspects of the University of Pennsylvania, what do you hope to learn from and contribute to the Penn community?

The University of Pennsylvania is a renowned institution internationally for its academic dominance in many different fields ranging from engineering to business as well as its active student body in terms of the community. As an aspiring engineer, this university would provide me with a rigorous and useful education that will be useful in whatever I choose to do as an engineer. In addition, I have contributed to my community before and I hope to continue doing so in college.

I hope to pursue a career in mechanical engineering in the near future, and Penn's excellent engineering school would help me progress immensely in my aspirations. My main goal as a mechanical engineer is that I want to be able to design vehicles that will do a better job in conserving energy. I am dedicated to this goal because the conservation of energy is a very prominent issue that needs to be addressed and resolved and many positive consequences will come of this such as lower flight costs and less dependence on fossil fuels. If I want to be able to make a difference in my field, however, I am going to need to be well educated on the fundamentals of mechanics and dynamics. The University of Pennsylvania offers one of the most comprehensive and sought after engineering programs in the United States and quite possibly in the world. If I study engineering at Penn, I will have a head start over many others in my field and I will hopefully be able to steer more focus toward aerodynamics of vehicles. I do know, however, that I will be fully prepared to take on these challenges with an education from Penn and that I should have very little trouble in achieving my goal.

While I will be preparing myself for the future at Penn, I can also contribute to the university in many different ways. I have experience in helping the community in a multitude of situations. Throughout my high school life, I have accrued almost 350 hours in community service in a variety of different areas. I help coordinate an effort to feed a homeless shelter, have been a Youth Teacher Assistant at the Smithsonian Institution's summer camp, and have volunteered at the library. I have also tutored many students before as a member of two honor societies at my school and could be able to do the same in college. Finally, I also have about 130 hours of work experience that I earned at an internship. I was interning at the New Jersey Institute of Technology's Real World Connections Program and had developed an Android application. Therefore, I am already experienced in contributing to the communities and I can do the same at Penn.

The University of Pennsylvania can help me in my future endeavors by providing me with the necessary education for success. In return, I can contribute to the university's community in different areas as I have already done throughout high school. My experience can definitely help to better the Penn community and Penn can help to better my career.
pitt4life01   
Dec 23, 2011
Undergraduate / (innovation of the "Island Literature") my UVA supplement [2]

I'm going to give you some edits so that you can merely shorten it and add more info if you so desire. I'm applying to UVA too and I find these topics too deep to explain in 250 words.

"The novel does not only surprise me" -> "not only surprises me "

"human is naturally evil" -> "humans are " or "man is "

"just a normal "kid's adventure book" " -> "normal child's adventure book " (you don't need the quotations)

"there is no law that restrict people in this society" -> "are no laws " and "the people " (you should specify that you're talking about these people in particular, not just people in general)

"that regulates people " -> "the people "

"Under this condition, people become violent, greedy and evil as they have never been " -> "became " and cut the end of the sentence. Start a new sentence and say "They normally would not have been this way "

"As I finish this novel" -> "finished "

"Imagine myself live in a society without the restriction of laws, would I do something bad since there are no criminal charges?" -> "I imagined myself " and replace the comma with a period and start a new sentence.

"We cannot describe the society" -> Remove "the"

"society, that" -> Remove the comma

"even it is true" -> "even if it is "
pitt4life01   
Dec 23, 2011
Undergraduate / 'immigrant parents in the US' - Pennsylvania(150 words max); Describe yourself [3]

Being born in the United States to immigrant parents has had a very great impact on the way I have been brought up in this country. Although many struggle to find identity between two radically different cultures, I have managed to merge my Indian background as well as my American upbringing and can therefore be considered equally a part of both cultures. Being exposed to so much diversity as well as having a keen interest in geography (I have made it to the state level Geography Bee three times) has caused me to become interested in the rest of the world. As a result, in addition to taking French at school and being able to fluently speak two Indian languages, I have been learning Swedish and Dutch. I also take up interest in international issues and follow the actions of the United Nations very closely as well. I do not consider myself a citizen of one single entity, rather I consider myself a citizen of the world.
pitt4life01   
Dec 18, 2011
Undergraduate / 'it was unique and had more to offer' -Why did you choose Swarthmore? [3]

Before September of this year, I had never even heard of Swarthmore College. By that time, I had my list of college applications finished, and decided I wasn't going to change anything. However, a colleague of my mother, an alumnus, told her about Swarthmore.

I was reluctant at first because I thought that I had my application list set in stone. However, I decided that there was nothing to lose. When he first started talking to me, he asked me about my interests and hobbies. After I gave him this information, he evaluated my interests and said that Swarthmore would be perfect for me. He explained to me that Swarthmore was a very unique university in that it was a very well renowned liberal arts college but also had an excellent engineering school as well, which is what I am pursuing. He then continued to explain some more facets of the university that were interesting to me. According to him, the way the curriculums in the university are designed help expose you to a new way of thinking that is much more critical. He continued to explain to me that the environment at Swarthmore is very intimate and there are lifelong friendships and professional relationships established with fellow peers and professors at this school. He continued speaking and took the trouble to explain some of the very specific aspects of the school such as campus life and classes that really made me think seriously about this school. After our conversation, I went and researched more and I realized that after what he said and what I saw that this is the right school for me.

Why did I change my mind so quickly, after having not even heard about Swarthmore? I just realized that it was unique and had more to offer. I had never really thought about a small, liberal arts college like Swarthmore, however now that I know it offers engineering, this school is even more appealing to me. It seems that every feature of this school appeals to me in some sort of way, and that is why I have chosen Swarthmore.
pitt4life01   
Dec 17, 2011
Writing Feedback / IELTS:C7T2: Should there be fixed punishments for each type of crime? [3]

It is a collective noun, so you should use the singular form of the verb. When ever you collect something together and give it a single name, you use the single form. For example, a "family" entails more than one person. But, you don't say that "the family are eating". You say "the family is eating" because all members of the family are grouped into one.
pitt4life01   
Dec 17, 2011
Undergraduate / 'immigrant parents from India' - William and Mary Personal Statement [4]

Ever since I was a child, I have always considered myself an international person, a citizen of the world. Being raised in two radically different cultures really has an impact on someone, and that impact depends on the person. Some find it very difficult to find the best of both cultures and create a beneficial blend, and as a result, they lose cultural identity. However, it was not so difficult for me. I've embraced both my backgrounds equally and have integrated well into each society. In fact, I'm even trying to learn about new cultures in other areas of the world.

I was born to two immigrant parents from India. Being of Indian origin has heavily influenced me in the way I live my life. I enjoy Indian food, speak two Indian languages, Tamil and Kannada, fluently, follow Hinduism, and have learned different types of Indian music from singing to mirdangam, a South Indian drum. I also keep in touch with my family in India and visit there about every other year, which has also helped me hold my roots close. However, when someone asks me where I'm from, I say America. Why? Not because I'm not proud of my Indian heritage, but because I was born and raised in the United States. As an American, I enjoy things such as Sunday football, fried chicken, and Thanksgiving. I don't consider my two identities separate- rather I find my favorite aspects of both cultures and blend them into my own culture, which has worked out nicely for me so far.

Although my heaviest influence comes from my Indian background and my American upbringing, I'm still influenced and fascinated by other cultures in the world. Maps, atlases, and the outside world in general have always fascinated me. This interest led to me being the Geography Bee champion at school for four years, out of which I finished fifth in the state of Virginia when I was twelve. In addition to speaking English and my two native tongues, I have also taken four years of French in high school while learning Dutch and Swedish on the side. I feel comfortable speaking French and I can get by with a few phrases in the Netherlands or Sweden. I also hope to study abroad or live somewhere in Europe in the near future. So yes, the European culture has also had a significant impact on my identity.

What makes me unique and colorful is the fact that I do not belong to just one culture- I am a conglomeration of very different cultures. Although this may seem very difficult to many, it has yet to confuse me, and I embrace each and every aspect of all of my cultures. What I enjoy most about being so diverse is the fact that I can connect with people from many lifestyles, even many Europeans although I was not born nor have ever lived in Europe. Therefore, I am not a citizen of any one place but an international citizen.
pitt4life01   
Dec 16, 2011
Writing Feedback / IELTS:C7T2: Should there be fixed punishments for each type of crime? [3]

there are cons and pros against this saying -> I understand this is really nitpicky of me, but I think it would flow much better if you reversed the order wrote "pros and cons". Also, instead of "against", say "to"

Some people go for this statement, by insisting -> Here, you can either leave the comma there and remove the "by", or remove the comma and keep "by".

for each type of crime, will we be able to ensure the justice of the law, for the benefit of every civilian -> There is a lot of comma usage here. My opinion? Remove all of the commas, it will sound much more natural.

Or there will emerge some cunning guys -> Three mistakes. First, don't start a sentence with "or". Use "otherwise" instead. Second, the colloquial use of the word "guys" does not sound professional. Use the word "attorney" instead. Third, it is in passive voice and should be changed to active voice. This is what it should finally look like: "Otherwise , some cunning attorneys will emerge "

even including some eminent lawyers -> Remove the "even"

take advantages of those unfixed regulations to avoid or lessen the punishments that they may originally deserves, or help others to do so, which is very common in nowadays society. -> Several mistakes again. First, it should be "take advantage". Next, instead of unfixed regulations, say "loopholes" or something similar. Third, remove the part that says "or help others to do so", and replace the part before it with mention of the clients. Next, say "originally deserve" (no 's'). Finally, the use of colloquial language emerges again, and that needs to be removed. It should be changed to "take advantage of those loopholes to avoid or lessen the punishments that their clients may originally deserve, which is very common in society today "

On the contrary, there are also a group of people, including myself, claiming that every crime...into which the consideration of circumstances and motivation must be taken -> It should be "there is also a group of people". Next, change "claiming" to "who claims". It should look like "There is also a group of people, including myself, who claims that every crime...into which the consideration of circumstances and motivations must be taken" If one is plural, the other should also be plural.

that it's absolutely and totally -> that "it "

"purposely " -> purposefully

"variant " -> varying

Lot of grammar mistakes, but I do see a very strong central message. Fix them, and your essay should be golden.
pitt4life01   
Dec 16, 2011
Undergraduate / Short Answer about voluntary officework [6]

was a more productive mean -> The word "mean" seems somewhat awkward here. I would replace it with "way" or something.

I liked what I did, it taught -> instead of the comma, insert the word "because", it flows much better

Good response!
pitt4life01   
Dec 13, 2011
Undergraduate / 'I have some engineering background' - Carnegie Mellon University Supplemental [4]

Please submit a one-page, single-spaced essay that explains why you have chosen Carnegie Mellon and your particular major(s), department(s) or program(s). This essay should include the reasons why you've chosen the major(s), any goals or relevant work plans and any other information you would like us to know.

Carnegie Mellon University is at the pinnacle of engineering education in the United States, and I would be honored to a part of such an esteemed institute. One could even say that the name of the university is almost synonymous with engineering. It would be the perfect place for me to pursue my major in mechanical engineering.

From the moment I witnessed the majestic Boeing aircrafts in its plant in Everett, Washington, engineering has been, is, and will always be my passion. It has been my dream to create and improve these aircrafts and add innovation to such a crucial field, and ever since then I have attempted to excel in my math and science classes in school in order to achieve my dream. If I were to attend Carnegie Mellon, it would help definitely help propel me closer to my dream. More specifically, the reason why I want to major in mechanical engineering is to change the design of these aircraft to make them more fuel-efficient. Fuel economy is a major problem currently and more steps should be taken to conserve more fuel so that the world's fuel supply is not completely depleted. What I aim to do, as a mechanical engineer, is strive to design a better aerodynamic design that helps to minimize headwind, reduce the coefficient of drag, and harness the energy provided by the tailwind. Finding alternative sources of energy and decreasing the effect of resistive forces would be the first step in improving the fuel economy of an aircraft, something that will be extremely valuable to major aircraft companies today such as Boeing and Airbus. Of course, these companies are already working on similar designs, but that by no means implies that there is no room for improvement.

Although I currently have no experience with mechanical engineering specifically, I do have some engineering background. I am proficient in C++ and Java programming and have even designed my own Android application, a game that helps students learn their capitals of the world, the United States, and the Australian states. I accomplished this while I was an intern at the New Jersey Institute of Technology's Real World Connection Program during this past summer. It took me about 130 hours of training and development in order to create this application. Although it does not pertain to mechanical engineering, it is a step forward in that general direction.

I have chosen Carnegie Mellon as my outlet through where I can achieve my dreams of becoming a mechanical engineer so that I can pursue my goal of making aircrafts, and vehicles in general, more fuel-efficient. I have the motivation and experience to make it happen. If I do attend Carnegie Mellon University, I can become the engineer that I want to become. I know this because of this university's untarnished reputation that it has been able to hold throughout its history, and I am certain it will lead me on the right path to becoming successful in my career.
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