Posts by boom

boom

Jan 13, 2012

Undergraduate / Carnegie Mellon Supplement-The Human BOdy vs Computers [4]

I remember reading a couple weeks ago, and I thought it was amazing. It still is. I can really relate to the analogies you use, probably because of my biology interest, but i think you make the ideas flow really well.

Good luck

boom

Jan 13, 2012

Undergraduate / 'I lay my heart on the line' - North Carolina [4]

You switch back and forth from the british and american version of learnt and learned. When you say this, " I wanted to go down in the history of football. I wanted to mark an era. I wanted to be a different player and with goal - I did." I almost wish that you were talking in the present tense, so that the readers know how you still have that determination. It makes it seem that you still have the same view of you being a "phenomenon".

But other than that, I like the visual images you give.

What do you think?

boom

Jan 13, 2012

Undergraduate / 'not a sad little creature all the time' - Letter to your roommate - Bryn Mawr [6]

I really like your writing, it has such a good feel to it. I agree with the comments made above. Maybe end the letter with your name and something like Till then, ... or a memorable, funny sign off.

boom

Jan 13, 2012

Undergraduate / 'Sarajevo, Jakarta, Thailand, Nepal' - Skidmore College Diversity Answer [3]

Thank you so much! I feel relieved now. I've made some little edits in my answer but that's it.

boom

Jan 12, 2012

Undergraduate / 'Sarajevo, Jakarta, Thailand, Nepal' - Skidmore College Diversity Answer [3]

Prompt: Skidmore College is committed to creating and supporting a diverse and inclusive community. Please share a personal experience from which you gained a greater understanding of the value of diversity OR describe what you are seeking in a diverse campus community.

The old Ottoman town of Sarajevo, the Morning Prayer calls in Jakarta, the fast language of Thailand, and the countless temples in Nepal arouse my sense of pride. Through my father's involvement in the UN, I have lived in four countries, each one distinctive from the other. I have been able to experience and learn from these diverse cultures, discover different worlds, and new outlooks on life. Also, studying in international schools has taught me of the idiosyncratic nature of people, and the necessity to embrace these quirks. I have realized that our differences- the varied ways we approach life, our individual perspectives, and experiences- is the most endearing aspect of our human race.

please give me some feedback and how to edit it.

boom

Dec 30, 2011

Undergraduate / 'favorite pair of shoes' - Connecticut College Supplement- Community [7]

Thank you all for your tips. I'll definitely try to do so.

boom

Dec 26, 2011

Undergraduate / 'lifelong relationships' - Brown supplement- Something you created [6]

I think that your ideas are good. Add a personal touch to it, your flair. maybe a short phrase that's significant to you and your friends (names you call each other, unstated agreements, inside joke) or a specific person, moment. I wrote about my mom and me. And maybe find other words for friendship, you use it a little bit too much. I wish I knew about this website when I was writing my essays.

boom

Dec 26, 2011

Undergraduate / "How the hell do i do it" Transfer essay to Smith [12]

i like this. I think that this tone really represents what you think. especially the edited one. I loved it when I found out that your mom was writing in both languages, maybe because i'm also nepali. I think the transition to the last paragraph could be smoother. But you're a really good writer, and as reader, I love reading the details, you make me want to read this again. Good luck.

boom

Dec 26, 2011

Undergraduate / 'the weird little things that define me' - Tufts Supplement Question 3 [7]

I really like the ending, and the tone of your writing. Maybe rephrase the second last sentence, "So as uncomfortable as reading this paragraph probably was". I dunno why maybe its because I wasn't that uncomfortable reading it, it sounds natural. Maybe the part where you call yourself a nerd, like labeling yourself. Maybe instead say, "what other people could call a nerd, with the awkward humor". I also like the "the thing is" idea. Its funny, charmingly.

boom

Dec 26, 2011

Undergraduate / NYC, Ms. Clark, High-Five, HEOP Scholars - Barnard replies [7]

i agree with the comment before. i applied to Barnard as well. more than talking about being helpful and having leadership skill, talk about how it has helped you become those things. how it has helped you explore more about yourself, and that is why you want to go to college, not just to be successful. I think a more simple, less example laid back approach would be better.

boom

Dec 26, 2011

Undergraduate / 'favorite pair of shoes' - Connecticut College Supplement- Community [7]

Prompt: What does "community" mean to you? (250 words)

That favorite pair of shoes that you've worn for years, the one that has supported you through the rainy days, and the one that you never want to throw out, reminds me of the intimate levels of connections I have for my community. That pair of shoe is a necessity for many, like the way a community is for me. Without my shoes, I feel incomplete and unsure, and just like that, without a community I lose the sense of place, belonging, and support. My community's guidance and care incorporates into many of my experiences and journeys in life, from the moment I fall from stepping in a pothole, to the point I learn to walk around the hole. A shoe without a perfect fit is like an incongruous society, where it'll always be hard to fit in. The sole of my shoe supports and carries me through the mud, the cold, and the everyday frantic dashes to the bus. Likewise, the people in my community hold me up with their love and care. The sole effortlessly molds onto the arches of my feet, akin to the way my community shapes and sculpts my perspectives. People have their own taste in shoes, and similarly they have their picks on a community. I take pride in my favorite pair of shoes; they help me stand out from others, create a sense of individuality. My community defines me, as an entity. With the love and support a community provides, I can confidently step on and confront the erratic ways of the world.

Please help me guys. I want to make the connection clear and strong so the reader sees it as easily as I do.

Thanks