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Posts by cordyceps
Joined: Dec 26, 2011
Last Post: Jan 15, 2012
Threads: 3
Posts: 11  
From: United States of America

Displayed posts: 14
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cordyceps   
Jan 15, 2012
Undergraduate / 'I can vividly envision myself on campus' - Peddie [11]

it contains the right amount of academic challenge

limited extracurricular opportunities

And yes, try not to keep saying that it is the right school and the best school for you. I would also suggest doing a little more research, into how exactly the school will help you (special programs, facilities, etc.) and how you will blend in with the community (give some names of clubs you wanna join)

Good luck with your application!
cordyceps   
Jan 15, 2012
Undergraduate / 'The workings of the human mind and curiosity' - Macalester Supplement (Why Mac?) [2]

some of my suggestions:
I am in constant search for any opportunities that may help quench my thirst for knowledge and allow me to learn more

Therefore , I have made numerous attempts, both successful and unsuccessful, to get closer to my potential areas of interests. (I assume you have not found it?)

So, I think Macalester is a great place for me to grow. I would omit this sentence and maybe put it at the end of your essay.

Maybe a little more elaboration on how Macalester will help you in your endeavor and how its diverse community appeals to you would be a good idea. It just seems a bit too general.

Good luck with your application! Would appreciate if you help out with mine too :-)
cordyceps   
Jan 15, 2012
Undergraduate / 'the vast terrains of China' - Colgate (Where would you travel and why?) [4]

The medieval Chinese culture and lifestyle interests me. Their simplistic approach to life as well as the unique and colorful cultural values also appeals to me.

The medieval Chinese culture and their simplistic approach to life (same as lifestyle?) as well as the unique and colorful cultural values truly appeals to me.

but have never gotten a chance to experience it in real life.

arises from to my own characteristics.

attempt to explore my soul
cordyceps   
Jan 15, 2012
Undergraduate / 'the global perspective' - WHY Emory [3]

I would suggest adding a short conclusion, kind of a quick summary about a sentence or two or what you have written. Other than that I really enjoy how concise and straight to the point your essay is.

Good luck with the application!
cordyceps   
Jan 15, 2012
Undergraduate / 'scientific research is strongly promoted here' - Macalester supplement [3]

What factors have led you to consider Macalester College? Why do you believe it may be a good match, and what do you believe you can add to the Mac community, academically and personally?

For a liberal arts college with high national ranking like Macalester, certain aspects such as high caliber education, qualified and accessible professors, state-of-the-art facilities, etc. are almost a given. What really stood out for me about Macalester is how fostered scientific research is, and how the unique urban location of the Twins Cities allows for nearly endless opportunities for both research and internship programs.

Skimming through the website of the Macalester Science and Research office website, I can tell that scientific research is strongly promoted here. There are various ways for science students to be involved in doing research on and off campus, and even in international locations. Funding for students research projects are also widely available like the Student-Faculty Summer Research collaboration, the Beckman Foundation, etc. I have had a relatively brief time assisting my professor in his research lab. From just a couple weeks, I have come to appreciate the studious yet dynamic process of investigation in the science laboratories, as well as the life of a scientist. The work is most often times repetitive and not easy. Thus, it can be a test of one's true passion for science. In the words of Marie Curie: "A scientist in his laboratory is not only a technician: he is also a child placed before natural phenomena which impress him like a fairy tale." I am also among those who think science is just as magical as any fairy tale, and how can I not? The entire genomes of every living organisms are made up from only four different bases of DNA in various arrangements; our every thought and action come down to the firing of neurons; activities of the minuscule molecule called enzyme in the cells are what keeping me alive; and countless more phenomena that await the analysis of the human minds. Being in a research laboratory for me is an exploration of the magic of life. Being at Macalester, subsequently, will give me so many chances to do just that. Internships programs facilitated by the Academic Internship Programs are abundant as well. Having such wonderful opportunities for research and internship will teach me how to integrate theoretical knowledge gained in classrooms and apply such knowledge in a real world setting, which I believe is the integral part of a well-rounded education.

Academic goals aside, I am optimistic to thrive in this diverse community. I can see myself going straight for the Bio Club to have my 'geek out' moments with other biology enthusiasts and help organize events to celebrate the study of life across campus. I see the long-lost salsero in me being revived with weekly instructions and outings to various venues organized by Mac Salsa, and my passion for theater rekindled by joining Mac Players or the Bad Comedy while reminiscing my years with the theater club at home-the Saigon Players. I also see myself being an active contributor for the Asian Student Alliance or Macalester International Organization to promote awareness and understanding of Vietnamese culture throughout campus. Most certainly, I will also seek to give back to the community with joining organization such as Habitat for Humanity and involve numerous civic engagement programs. Such multitude of avenues on campus will allow for self-discovery as well as shaping and solidifying my identity as a Macalester student.

When given the chance, I expect to make the most out of my time at Macalester College. It is a school where a vast array of opportunities for research and internships are available and still allowing for close relationships with members for the faculty and where a wide range of extracurricular activities will help me discover myself while being an active member on campus who seeks to give back to the community.
cordyceps   
Jan 13, 2012
Undergraduate / 'Different' - Fashion Design - candidate for FIT? [2]

When you are a little girl you almost never realize the true reason of why people never really were your friends or whispered mean things behind your back. However when you are a kid, this sort of things don't really make an impression on you.

I wouldn't use 'however' as a transition there for your ideas in the two sentences feel like more supporting than contrasting each other. Maybe somehow write them as one sentence could do as well. My suggestion is like this:

"The reasons of why people never really were your friends or why they whispered mean things behind your back didn't really make an impression on you as a kid"

With each year that passed, my abilities in drawing improved and my creativity developed.

With each passing year , my abilities...

With the complete support of my parents I started to submerge myself in the world of fashion and for the first time in years, it made me completely happy.

With complete support from my parents, I started to...

but I didn't know where exactly would I go.

where exactly I would go

The satisfaction one feels when you see the physical representation of something that you have created with your hands.

I would say it is not exactly a finished sentence? 'The satisfaction' is your subject, but you're lacking an object here.

I like your essay. It really shows your passion for the arts and fashion. Good luck with your application! Hope I helped in any way, and would appreciate if you have a look at my essays :-)
cordyceps   
Jan 13, 2012
Undergraduate / 'great influence on defining my goals' - Common APP Transfer Essay [3]

I like how concise and straight to the point your essay is, although you might want to look at your last paragraph. I understand you want to be 'pushed academically', but it seems like you have the phrase in all of your sentences. I'd suggest rephrasing it a bit...say challenge, or to be mentally/academically excited.

Good luck with your application!
cordyceps   
Jan 12, 2012
Undergraduate / 'the final dress rehearsal for Monty Python Does Saigon' - Macalester international [2]

It is quiet lengthy and I'm trying to trim it down a bit. In the mean time, I would LOVE any help/suggestions from everyone. Will have a look at your essays and help in anyways I can!!

I was Americanized at a very early age.

I knew how to count from 1 to 100 in both Vietnamese and English at the age of 4. I took my first ESL lesson at the age of 9. I grew up listening to Britney Spears. For a long time, being Americanized was my pride as a girl whose childhood dream was to study in the US. I was confident of my language ability, and my understanding of the Western culture. There was one thing, however, that I was slacking off on. It was the American concept of time.

"Mikie!!! Where ARE you?? You were supposed to be here 30 minutes ago!" said a frustrated Belinda over the phone.
"Alright. I'll be right over," I said, rather flippantly, not quite sure why she sounded upset.

Where I was supposed to be was the final dress rehearsal for Monty Python Does Saigon. It was the revised version of the famous Monty Python, in which certain Vietnamese cultural twist was added to a selection of popular sketches. The group that was organizing this production is Saigon Players. Besides the fact that it is the only non-profit theater club in my city, what fascinating about Saigon Players are its members. Coming from all around the world, this merry gang is quite a diverse bunch. Monty Python was my first involvement with the group, and I was as pumped as could be.

I got to the rehearsal 20 minutes later. It was in the middle of rehearsal and everyone seemed focused. I said a loud "Hello" as I walked in, only to get "shushed" at and received several annoyed looks. Belinda, my director, coolly told me to get ready. As I walked on stage to rehearse my part, I could not help but feeling upset and confused. Trying to figure out what I did wrong, I became distracted and started to mix up my lines. After a several failed attempts, I got so frustrated and told Belinda I needed a quick time-out. I walked out to the hallway, feeling sick to my stomach. Being the social butterfly that I am, I never like having people mad at me. Regardless, I had a much more pressing problem right then, and it was to not jeopardize my amazing experience being part of Saigon Players. Determined not to let all the hard work go down the drain, I went over the lines in my head and came back inside. Whatever problems they had with me would just have to wait. We did a couple final run-throughs and everyone looked relieved that I stopped making mistakes. As we finished our rehearsal, everyone cheered on one another with group hugs. It was as if I did nothing wrong.

"Hey Bee! You sounded mad earlier. Was it because I came late?"-I asked as I ran after Belinda when she was leaving.

"I wasn't mad at you Mikie, but yes, I would appreciate it if you had been on time. We would have to cancel our show tomorrow if you didn't get your part down tonight. I'm glad you did. If you had been on time, it would have saved us a little headache though. Anyways, I understand that Vietnamese are quite relaxed about being on time," said Belinda.

She was right. We are laidback about time. It is even mentioned in several tour guides that the appropriate time to show up to a meeting with a Vietnamese is 20 minutes after the agreed time. This little incident, however, taught me the hard lesson of how time-oriented Americans are. Being on time for me now means being professional and respectful, and it a beneficial thing to learn. Being time-oriented also means being productive. As a science student with heavy work loads, I understand how crucial it is to be time-oriented. It is not just the matter of getting enough sleep, but also the matter of giving myself the time to do the best I can rather than turning in something I hastily put together the night before. In short, learning how to be time-oriented prepares me for a demanding education and professional career later in life.

Interestingly enough, now living in the US, I take pride in the Vietnamese in me. I truly appreciate just how that 4000 year of traditions, cultures and cuisines deeply defined the person that I am, no matter how Americanized I can be. I can be individualistic while caring for the people around me; I can be time-oriented yet knowing how to loosen up and have fun. I can pack my whole life into three suitcases and go anywhere I want to but still knowing where I was coming from. I believe I have found my balance between the two cultures, and I am ready to take in a few dozens more on the diverse campus of Macalester.
cordyceps   
Jan 1, 2012
Undergraduate / 'Medical care and worldwide concerns' - COMMON APP [4]

Some of my suggestions

to become a biomedical engineer and advance the medical devices

to become a biomedical engineer and to help advance
or
to become a biomedical engineer so as to advance

encourage them to overcome the hardships my family and I overcame.

...my family and I have overcome .

concerns all nations possess

that concerns all nations.

because of one's accent;

because of their accent

I

When I talked to my school friends about this, they all agreed with me on the idea that accent is not what matters; it is the content of what people are saying that truly matters. This incident helped me see that living in a diverse community really helps in developing healthy international relationships. Ever since this idea became clear to me, I tried my best to comfort people with my words, rather than blurting out some words without any meaning.

I'm not sure I understand this paragraph very well. I think a bit rewrite for your last sentence can help. It seems a bit forced and I don't really see its connection with your previous sentences, IMHO.

I actually like the first essay better, writing about diversity can be a bit tricky and could easily sound like cliche.

Hope it helps in anyways, and would appreciate it if you have a look at mine :)

I
cordyceps   
Dec 26, 2011
Undergraduate / 'an influx of officials' + 'regime in Ghana' - Macalester essays [2]

I like your ideas for the first essay, but the essay sounds a bit choppy for me. I think a better use of transition from sentence to sentence, and from paragraph to paragraph, would help readers (admission officers) get a better feel of your ideas.

Some other suggestions:

A small private liberal arts college, Macalester offers exactly the kind of majors i have been considering in a very competitive environment.

I dont really get what you mean in this sentence. I guess what you meant is "Despite being a small liberal arts college, Macalester offers..."

I would also suggest a conclusion for your 1st essay, where you sum up your answers to "why macalester" and "what you can contribute"

That's all I have. Good luck on your application to Mac :)
cordyceps   
Dec 26, 2011
Undergraduate / 'Film and movie industry' - Short answer essay response [2]

Here are some of my suggestions

It wasn't until I joined my school's video production club, which made me realize I can work in the film industry and someday write or direct great films.

It wasn't until I joined my school's video production club that I realized my potentials in the film industry...

I would try to rewrite the first two sentences, and somehow combine them into just one. Also try not to start a sentence with "but". Maybe it could be like this. "Knowing the difficulties of establishing..., however, has made me doubt..."

Also try to work on the conclusion/last sentence. The club has given you the confidence to embark on this career path. You're not, I assume, ready to "enter the industry" yet. If you were, you wouldn't be applying for college now.

That's what I think, and good luck to wherever you're applying too :)
cordyceps   
Dec 26, 2011
Undergraduate / 'a science student with a great appreciation for the arts' - Common App short [5]

Here is my answer for the short essay part. Please have a look and tell me what you think :) Thanks!

I like to think of myself as a science student with a great appreciation for the arts-may it be music, theater, or dance. I had been involved in both all my life, but never simultaneously until one day I was introduced to the Theater department to be one of the three dramaturges for their play On Ego, which explores the argument that human consciousness is merely a product of neuron activities. I was responsible for explaining neurological concepts to the cast and doing research to provide scientific background information for both the cast and the audience. This opportunity has incorporated my two passions in life. Most importantly, it has allowed a chance to test my own knowledge so as to explain clearly to others, and to further broaden it as I did my research on brain tumors. Thus, it has helped me grow as a student of Biology.
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