Undergraduate / Challenging the limits of my intelligence and responsibility - Philosophical Warrior [29]

Hello fellow college bounders! This is my essay for the common application. Please try to assess it on all relevant levels. The prompt reads as follows: "Please provide a statement (250 words minimum) that addresses your reasons for transferring and the objectives you hope to achieve."

Let me know if it is to melodramatic, has problems with grammar or flow, or even if it sounds too militaristic because I am not trying to pursue a career in the military. Thanks alot. (Please be brutal!)

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The career path I have chosen for my life will challenge the limits of my intelligence and responsibility. Such challenges will be tests of my knowledge and experience for which I will need to be prepared through extensive education. With the degree I will earn through transferring I will become more powerful and efficient in my ability to make quick and informed decisions on which the safety of our nation may depend. By continuing my education I hope to fight not necessarily our enemies, but rather to make myself a more effective agent of peace, diplomacy, and enlightenment in the United States' dealings with foreign powers.

My journey began as I shuffled through a group of students down an old and uneven cobble stone street. As I walked I could hear the passer-bys speaking softly, much softer than my American companions, in languages that I did not understand. I was in the streets of Cesky Krumlov in the Czech Republic on tour with my high school choir group. These sounds and images sparked a profound feeling of the great history that this place must have seen. A history that was never taught to us in school but that still had the power to captivate. I gazed up at the tall buildings that leaned and loomed over us to the balcony of an old restaurant where a man sat surveying the view. I wondered what he was taught in school and what his own life had taught him about this part of the world. I knew that one day when this was all over I would have to return to this place. What I did not know was that when I did it would not be as a tourist, but as someone who could understand the whispers that I heard on the streets and what those people saw in the cities that they lived in. I would have to dedicate my life to understanding this and many other cultures and the roles those cultures play in the modern world. I would have to major in International Relations.

While Europe gave me the hunger and passion for knowledge of different worlds, it was only my life's study of philosophy that gave me the direction in which to steer that passion. One day my philosophy professor was lecturing on Plato's Republic, comparing the different tiers of society to those of a farmland with ordinary citizens as the sheep, the government as the shepherd, and the wolves as the usurpers of the farm. The sheepdogs were those who used their knowledge of the wolves to defend the sheep and protect the fruits of the farm. It was then that I knew that I wanted to be a sheepdog. I wanted to learn the ways of the different cultures of the world and how they interact with one another to work towards conflict resolution without war. The conflicts of today's nations are fundamentally conflicts of different philosophies and my training with these philosophies would allow me to see both sides to any conflict and to apply that talent to resolve our conflicts with the wolves. This is the way of the modern warrior. Given that there are many different kinds of warriors in today's world (some wear uniforms and carry weapons and some go unnoticed while fighting with information and influence) they all share the mindset of the sheepdog. In his book entitled On Combat: The Psychology and Physiology of Deadly Conflict in War and in Peace, Lt. Col. Dave Grossman wrote, "After the attacks on September 11, 2001, most of the sheep, that is, most citizens in America said, "Thank God I wasn't on one of those planes." The sheepdogs, the warriors, said, "Dear God, I wish I could have been on one of those planes. Maybe I could have made a difference."

Mistakes that cost lives are made in ignorance and brashness. Every bit of education I gain lowers the risk of such mistakes being made. I hope that I never stop being educated because there are too many perspectives that the world has to offer for me to ever consider myself finished. However, there is only so far I can go in my current situation. By transferring I hope to open the door for newer and more powerful ideas to change and improve my own personal philosophy and my capacity to understand the nuances in culture of those nations the United States must deal with.

Undergraduate / "Lung Collapsed" Personal accomplishment UC #2 (THANKS GUYS) [2]

Tell us about a personal quality, talent, accomplishment, contribution or experience that is important to you. What about this quality or accomplishment makes you proud, and how does it relate to the person you are?

In high school I was heavily involved in performing arts. I did it because I loved it and was willing to make sacrifices in order to stay involved. In fact I am a very introverted person who suffered greatly from stage fright. I figured that it would fade away after a couple weeks or maybe even months but it never did. Every time I got on stage even just during rehearsals in front of my friends I was always scared. Some kids were just naturals, had total confidence in themselves, and could perform with little or no fear. I wasn't made that way. Yes, I was confident about what I knew I could do but I still had to face that fear every single time in order to do what I loved.

During senior year I was cast in the role of the Chief in a stage production of Get Smart adapted by Mel Brooks. It was around the last 5 weeks of rehearsal when I faced the scariest time in my life thus far. I suffered a spontaneous pnemothorax which effectively means that my lung collapsed. I went to the emergency room and had a small procedure done to repair the area that burst and recovered at home. I went back to school and rehearsals and my surgeon said that there was almost no chance of it recurring. About a week later, it did. This time I was fully hospitalized and had surgery to remove a small part of my lung. With only 2 weeks left in rehearsal I practiced my lines in my hospital bed. When I recovered I had only a few days before the performance. My director said that he could find a replacement for me but I knew that the performance would be sloppy as he wouldn't know the blocking or be able to second guess the other actors. So while working to recover my grades from the classes I missed I performed in that production 4 days after recovering. I knew that if I could get through that, no matter what I did in the future, no fear could stop me from doing what I love.

Undergraduate / "International Relations" UC prompt 1. Europe gave me a hunger and passion for new knowledge [3]

Im currently at Pasadena City College hoping to transer to UC Davis, Riverside, or San Diego for International Relations. Tell me what you think and please be brutal. (especially about content and subject matter. I can always fix grammatical errors later.) Thanks guys.

PROMPT #1 - What is your intended major? Discuss how your interest in the subject developed. Describe any experience you have had in the field - such as volunteer work, internships and employment, participation in student organizations and activities. What have you gained from your involvement?

As I shuffled through a group of students down an old and uneven cobble stone street I could hear the passer-bys speaking softly, much softer than my American companions, in languages that I did not understand. I was in the streets of Cesky Krumlov in the Czech Republic on tour with my high school choir group. These sounds and images sparked a profound feeling of the great history that this place must have seen. A history that was never taught to us in school but that still had the power to captivate. I gazed up at the tall buildings that leaned and loomed over us to the balcony of an old restaurant where a man sat surveying the view. I wondered what he was taught in school and what his own life had taught him about this part of the world. I knew that one day when this was all over I would have to return to this place. What I did not know was that when I did it would not be as a tourist, but as someone who could understand the whispers that I heard on the streets and what those people saw in the cities that they lived in. I would have dedicated my life to understanding this and many other cultures and what role they play in the modern world. I would have majored in International Relations.

Europe gave me a hunger and passion for knowledge of different worlds but it was my life's study of philosophy that gave me the direction in which to steer that passion. Since I was a little boy I was exposed to tribal drum sessions, Hindu art and culture, and Asian philosophy from my parents and the western schools of thought from classes in high school and college. I have taken German courses and loved the language and culture. One particular course I took in philosophy changed my life. One day our professor was lecturing on Plato's Republic, comparing the different tiers of society to those of a farmland. He explained that the sheep and the shepherd were the workforce and the authority that directed them respectively. The wolves were those who would come from beyond the farm's territory to destroy and exploit the sheep. The sheepdogs were those who used their knowledge of the wolves to defend the sheep and protect the fruits of the farm. It was then that I knew that I wanted to be a sheepdog. I wanted to learn the ways of the different cultures of the world and how they interact with one another to work towards conflict resolution without war. The conflicts of today's nations are fundamentally conflicts of different philosophies and my training with these philosophies would allow me to see both sides to any conflict and to apply that talent to resolve our conflicts with the wolves. This is the way of the modern warrior. Given that there are many different kinds of warriors in today's world (some wear uniforms and carry weapons and some go unnoticed while fighting with information and influence) they all share the mindset of the sheepdog. Lt. Col. Dave Grossman in his book entitled On Combat: The Psychology and Physiology of Deadly Conflict in War and in Peace wrote, "Here is how the sheep and the sheepdog think differently. The sheep pretend the wolf will never come, but the sheepdog lives for that day. After the attacks on September 11, 2001, most of the sheep, that is, most citizens in America said, "Thank God I wasn't on one of those planes." The sheepdogs, the warriors, said, "Dear God, I wish I could have been on one of those planes. Maybe I could have made a difference." When you are truly transformed into a warrior and have truly invested yourself into warriorhood, you want to be there. You want to be able to make a difference."