Writing Feedback / Do circumstances determine whether or not we should tell the truth? [10]

So are these two different essays? It might be a better idea to create a separate thread for each of them.

The first paragraphs in both essays need to contain the thesis statement. Answer the question: "Do circumstances determine whether or not we should tell the truth?" or "Is there a value in celebrating certain individuals as heroes" here and provide the basic reasons why you think your answer is so. The first essay does eventually answer the question but in an unorganized way. You have some good examples to back up your statements but you need to establish the main idea for your readers before you give them examples.

As for the second essay, I think it answers the question in a really limited way. You talk about what a hero is and give examples of heroes but you dont tell us why there is or why there isn't value in celebrating certain individuals as heroes until really late in the essay. You barely start to touch on the question in the last sentence of the second paragraph and the begining of the third paragraph but then fall back into a long-winded example of another hero. I got what your thesis was but I think you need to go deeper than what you have. I just don't think your thesis warrants the amount of time spent on examples in your essay. You could probably just cut out the whole first and second paragraphs and the message of your essay would be unaffected.

Stay away from explaining what a hero is. That is not the point of the essay. Also do not talk about examples unless they tie in with an idea you are trying to convey. (There is no idea that ties into the main question of the essay for the example of Lincoln in paragraph two. You say why we celebrate him as a hero but not what value we get out of it.)

Grammar, Usage / What can help a student to write a good essay (research for my assignment) [7]

So you are doing an essay on how to write an essay, prepare for a debate, make a speech, and conduct research? Phew! That is enough for four different essays.

I guess what you should do for any of these is to first research whatever topic you are dealing with if you dont have enough information already. After looking over all of your research form an opinion about whatever the issue is you are dealing with. Then find examples in your research to back up your opinion.

For instance if you are doing an essay on a piece of literature then your research would be to read the book. Then you take a stance of whatever the issue you want to deal with is. Then you would find quotes and examples from the text to back up your stance. Your stance should be summarized into a thesis statement at the begining of the essay and dont forget to include the answer to the "why" question concerning your stance!

If you are debating global warming you would do as much research on global warming as you could (reading books, searching the internet for scholarly journals, etc.) then of course form an opinion about it. When debating other people on the subject you will use examples to back up your argument from the research you have done. (It is also good to research what you think the other side will research. Find out what the opposition's main arguments will be and then work out how you are going to disprove them ahead of time so you aren't struck dumb in the middle of the debate by a statement that you don't know how to cannot combat in the heat of the moment.)

This is a really broad and general strategy but it does apply to all of the activities that you mentioned you need will need to talk about. Good luck!

Essays / How to write Term Paper on Alzheimers? 5 pages with cover and bibliography [7]

So is this like a research paper? Are you supposed to form an opinion about some aspect of how Alzheimers affects society?

In any case you will need to start with research. Research Alzheimers through scholarly journals. Collect the information you need to put in your bibliography from each article as you go. I sometimes use a site called Proquest to find scholarly journals. If you are supposed to form an argument about some aspect of Alzheimers then look over your research and form an opinion based on the evidence. Find quotes and examples to back up your claims.

Give us the full instructions to your assignment please! :)

Undergraduate / Supplemental application for UBC -- Passion, Bachelor of Science program [13]

What you are saying here sounds pretty generic. Pretty much anyone who is willing to go through the hard work to get a degree in the sciences must have some passion for it, a willingness to learn the material, the motivation to try their best, etc.

What is it that is unique to you that would give you success over someone else? They are asking for qualities so maybe you should try to talk about your personality. Maybe you are a very analytical person. You could talk about some example in your life where you really demonstrated analytical skills. Maybe you love to help people. You could talk about a time when you demonstrated that characteristic.(for biological sciences used in medical careers.)

If you want to be, say, a doctor you could even talk about your religious beliefs if they would help you through tough decisions and give you personal strength and solace in the face of desperate situations. If you can find maybe two specific positive qualities about your personality and then elaborate on specific examples of how you demonstrated them you could easily go over 200 words. Then you can edit it down. Stay away from cliches! :)

Undergraduate / Gambia to Georgia -- entrepreneur in the resturaunt business. [5]

Please give us the instructions you are writing for. (I know it's for college)

I don't know if its just me but I would consider writing an autobiographical piece in the third person a little ridiculous. It would sound like you are one of those people who always refers to themselves in the 3rd person. "George is getting upset!"

It just depends on what the prompt was. Maybe you should talk about your new major and how the experiences with your restaurant business made you want to get into that subject. (I assume you are reapplying to college?) But we are groping in the dark here so tell us what college, major/program this is for and give us those instructions! :)

Writing Feedback / Advertisers, affecting our childs thought process [10]

"The materials they (who? ) use to create their own meanings are preprogrammed with brand identification..."

"It's almost as if they have lost their innocence."
How does this mean they have lost their innocence? Most children are never really innocent from a moral or selfish perspective. In fact children are the most self centered of all the age groups and in turn(at times) can be the most cruel minded.(though they lack the capacity to carry out truly horrific acts of cruelty that adults are capable of.)

"While other kids wore T-shirts or hoodies because that is what all the advertisers were promoting for young boys to wear for school clothes."

Also, I don't think this is a complete sentence.

"Because of merchandisers use these trends to create different social stereotypes , children are left trying to figure themselves out."
I don't know if this is what you were going for. What do you mean when you say that the children are left trying to figure themselves out? If advertisers create styles for kids doesnt that meant that they are telling the kids who they are? Thus the kids wouldn't be trying to figure themselves out but rather would be defined by the brands.

"Not long ago parents had control of their front doors."
Try rewording this perhaps to something like. "Not long ago parents had the formost influence over their households."

"For adults to try to influence kids was considered wrong and you could end up in jail."
So does that mean that parents could get arrested for trying to teach their kids life lessons? Reword this one too.

"...now with the bombardment of aggressive commercial culture the relationships between children and their parents are breaking down. This causes a degradation of family values."

"But you can't tell me what to do."
You mean "you" as a parent? Don't change to a first person perspective. Perhaps you meant: "But you can't tell them what to do."

"I remember a time when children weren't exposed to much advertismentand luring of information and products thus , making it easier for parents to control what was shown to them."

Children are ultimately getting their way, and society has taught them that a demanding attitude is an effective tool for getting their way of economic growth.

The culture of catering to children and the bombardment of the media have made it difficult for parents to do parenting.

As a result children are forced upon this world with no knowledge of what to expect.
Isn't the point that children are taught what to expect out of life from the media? So children do have knowledge of what to expect from the world but it is just from the wrong source. Don't make is sound like children don't know what to think. I gather that one of the main points of your essay is that children do know what to think because the media is telling them what to think.

Children are no longer seen as children (Break these up into two sentences here or create a transition) they are controlling their households by nagging their parents for the things they see advertised, thus causing strife, stress and misery in the family.

The last part of this sentence is a repeat of the last part of a sentence from the first paragraph. Reword it so that it is not the same thing.

Writing Feedback / Political Allegory [5]

In the novel Animal Farm, the author, George Orwell, explores the nature of the Russian Revolution of 1917.

The main ideas, plot and schemes of the story are all follow the horrible underlying narration that is based on a past history.
Saying that the story follows the narration is redundant seeing as how the narration in most stories is what propells the story forward. You could say something like that the ideas, plot, and schemes of the story are based on historical events or are meant to represent historical events.

Old Major, the prize-winning boar whose vision of a socialistwith a socialist vision , taught the animals Animalism and dies before the revolution begins .

Joseph Stalin was not a very good speaker and just as Napoleon cared for power, they both killed opponents, and they both used propaganda to be more in control.

This sentence is awkward. You might want to break it into two different sentences.

The main characters represent a perfect past politician during the Russian Revolution.
What do you mean by "a perfect past politician"? The politicians that they represent were far from perfect. Perhaps you meant that they represent past politicians in a perfect way.

The plans to achieve the same effect were used and with the farm getting out of control without the animals noticing is a perfect example of propaganda.

This is another really awkward sentence. Reword it.

The Principles of Animalism were being forgotten, "All animals are equal but some animals are more equal than others." (pg.90)

All the animals just agreed with the leader and followed his every instruction.

As to Communism in the Russian Revolution, all people were said to be equal, but clearly Communism cannot be attained when wanting more power.
"when wanting more power" When who wants more power? Add a noun to go with the verb. "As to Communism" What is as to communism? What are you comparing?

Gaining power was the intention of both leaders , causing the revolution to fail.

The desire for power took over the leaders and made life in Russia or in the Farm an appalling and astonishing experience .

Overall this is alot of plot summary. You have told the reader that this book is a political allegory and you have shown many many many examples of how this is so. You have not, however, answered why. Why would Orwell write this book? What is the point of the book? Why read it? Sure its funny to see Marx and Lenin and Stalin as pigs and other various farm animals but is that the only value here? Try to prove something about the novel that you couldnt understand just from reading the summary on the back cover. Make an argument. Answer a "why" question! :)

Writing Feedback / Early human development is strongly influenced by nature [6]

The first paragraph should have the thesis statement. You say that you will be talking about the impact of nurture in early human development but we need to know what you are going to be saying about it. What is the overall message you want to convey about the impact of nurture?

The topic sentences for the 2nd and 4th paragraphs are basically the same. Combine these 2 paragraphs or make them have their own distinct ideas.

The 5th paragraph is just one long run-on sentence. To be honest I really have no idea what it is trying to say. Instead of saying "and" a bunch of times break the sentence up into smaller sentences. Also this just kind of seems like a list of examples to support the idea that the environment affects early development. You already have all the other paragraphs talking about this. I guess you are trying to focus on education. Try to go into a little more depth.

The reason that we break up lines of text into paragraphs is so that we can separate them based on the main ideas that they have. Basically the 2nd, 3rd, 4th, and 5th paragraphs all have the same main idea but use different examples to talk about it. Try to sit down and really think about the different topics that you can discuss for this essay then write paragraphs about those topics and dont deviate. The paragraph breaks here seem a little arbitrary and I can't tell what the difference is (besides examples) about what you are trying to tell use about how nurture affects early development from paragraph to paragraph.

I know it's rough but post some revisions and it will only keep looking better and better. :)

Book Reports / Hamlet Theme Paper - appearance vs reality [6]

Well if you need to submit this paper to turnitin.com it wouldn't really be possible for us to write it for you because the originality report would probably detect that the paper was copied. Besides, that is not what we do here. We help you with your essay. We don't write it for you.

Give us an outline of what you want to do. Or better yet give us a rough draft. We can offer you constructive feedback.

You say that you "can not even start on it". You apparently have a computer and time enough to send us this message so you can easily slap at least a meager attempt at a rough draft together for us to look at. If you don't have time then perhaps prioritize. Is what you are doing right now instead of working on this paper really worth recieving an F for?

Writing Feedback / Under the Age of Eighteen and in the Military: Evaluation Essay [4]

Paragraph 3 asks questions but does not seem to come up with many conclusions. The first and/ or second sentence(s) of each paragraph should sum up the main idea or the "conclusion" of the paragraph. For instance in paragraph 4 I can't really tell what the conclusion is. You present how most parents view letting their kids go into the military and how it would affect them if their children died in war but you don't explain what it has to do with the thesis of your paper. The ideas you present are valid but you haven't told us why they are valid.

In fact the first paragraph does nothing but ask questions. The first paragraph should exhibit the sum of the main idea of your paper. The questions are just half of what your paper is about. The answers are the other half. You ANSWER will be your thesis statement and we need to see that thesis statement in the first paragraph.

The last paragraph does draw some conclusions about the questions you present earlier but they come much to late in the essay. Take some of that content and put it into the first paragraph.

Research Papers / Observing or studying animals could teach us a lot about human nature: research [5]

Just for kicks I thought I would respond to some of what you said.

"For instance human beings have a totally different solution when others provoke them compared with animals."
----In a sense humans actually have the same response that animals do when provoked. For the most part, animals, as humans do, tend to respond to negativity with more negativity. If a panther were to harass a bear the panther would probably get attacked physically. If a human were to harass another human the first human would also probably get attacked as well, though it would probably be a verbal attack rather than a physical one. I would argue that humans respond the exact same way that animals do to their environments. Its just that humans have more complicated or reserved responses. The intent is the same however. "If an entity in my environment is trying to cause me harm then I must get away from it or destroy it." Think about nations. When one nation provokes another with military action the second nation will of course respond with violent action just as animals do. Of course humans also do try to find rational solutions to their problems without conflict but animals do this as well. Symbiotic relationships are everywhere in nature and many animals join together to form groups to survive through teamwork. Humans do the exact same thing only on a much larger scale.----

"Some animals may show their bestial character when other's show hostility to them or they are chasing their quarries. It is their nature, not ours."

----Think about this. If someone was chasing you or attacking you would you stop and try to rationalize what was happening to you? Of course not. Your animal insticts would kick in and you would either run for your life or stand and fight.----

So I guess all that would be an argument that supports the notion that humans can learn from animals. However, even if you were going to go the other way you would need to take on these ideas and find their flaws.

Faq, Help / Tips for Being a Quality Contributor [9]

I don't think there is a real formula or set ratio for criticism that should be offered on this site. Of course all criticism should be constructive and in good taste. Aside from that you can just give us whatever you can. You don't have to be a professional writer to help others, heck I'm not. You don't need to tell us that you are not perfect in every post either.

At times you will find that it is good to just take a portion of an essay and critique it. Of course it is not as good as doing the whole thing but it is better than nothing. Sometimes I do that if I just don't have time. You can also decide to what level of depth you want to go into for any particular paper. For example you could simply suggest to shorten the intro paragraph and get more examples for the body paragraphs or you could actually go line by line and correct the whole paper for grammar and spelling.

Unfortunately, the red letters are reserved for moderators and contributors so that we can feel special.

Basically all you have to do is read whatever the work is and decide what you think would be the best way to improve it. Praise is good occasionally but the point of this site is to improve through criticism so to much praise can become a waste of space. I watched what the moderators did and just tried to do the same thing. Learn from example. Good luck!

Faq, Help / Tips for Being a Quality Contributor [9]

Yeah I think as a member everyone has the bold and italics. Why is it that only we have the red letters? Why couldn't regular members use red letters too?

Also please do tell us what book you are referring to by Dianna Hacker. Thanks.

Writing Feedback / Language-Way of Dialect- [5]

Please post the exact instructions for this assignment

Is this supposed to be an essay or a free write or what? It's hard for us to give feedback when we don't know what you are trying to do.

Essays / What role has cutural difference played in the lives of 20th century europeans? [6]


As for Night, the whole point of the holocaust was to wipe out certain cultures. The countries invaded by Germany were subjugated to extreme discrimination based on cultural and racial differences. For Europeans in the 20th century, culture practically defined everything. Whether or not you would need to flee your homeland, whether or not you could get good jobs or social status, what side you had to take during WWII, etc. In a sense, culture played the role of deciding the fate for millions of people in Europe in the 20th century, especially for the two pieces of literature you must focus on.

Faq, Help / Tips for Being a Quality Contributor [9]

Thanks for the books.

*sniff* I don't feel special anymore...

Writing Feedback / IELTS writing: email and text messaging threats written language [6]

In the introduction you say that you agree with the idea that text messaging is "decreasing the position of written language" then the first body paragraph mostly focus on the positive advantages of texting. What does this paragraph have to do with your thesis. It seems to contradict it. You say that texting helps people communicate but your thesis is that it is actually destroying written language. Pick a side! :)

Or if you want to talk about both sides. State that in your thesis. I don't know, now that I read it again, maybe you did kind of say that but, you need to reword it to make it more clear.

Writing Feedback / My attitude towards writers is mostly positive. Writers have creative and imaginary minds. [10]


Perhaps revise this to say: "To me, good writing requires talent." Or "To me, good writers are talented." Just because a person writes does not meant that they have talent. ;)

I feel that writers have a creative and imaginary mind.

I think that each writer has their own uniqueness which makes them stand out when compared with others.

The fact that everyone has their own way of thinking and using their brain makes things exciting.

Me being able to write i love because I am able to be myself and be heard by many others.
I love being able to write because it allows me to communicate and express myself to others.

Some writing , such as poetry and song writing calms me down and I can express myself.

----I would take out the last part of this sentence because it is unrelated to the rest of the sentence. If you are trying to say that writing calms you down because you can express yourself then it would make sense.----

Writing letters to friends and family gives me the happiness that I need when they are far away. and I am able to show affection.

----Again I would take out the last part of this sentence as well. It just seems sloppily tacked on the end of the sentence. If you really want to keep it then I suggest that you make a new sentence.----


What do you mean by "negative meaning"? Perhaps you meant something like this: "A negative aspect about writing, for me, is the fact that I usually get frustrated and nervous when it comes to essays and book reports."

Sometimes I end up thinking to hard about the topic I am suppose to be writing about and I end up losing focus and going off topic.one thing and then a different other topice.

"I get confused alot. I dont do alot of essay writing and when i do i end up quiting on myself which is a habbit that i want to break. I dont enjoy writing essays."

----Combine these sentences to something like this: "Since I don't enjoy writing essays and frequently end up confused by them, I have a habit of quitting on myself before I finish my work."----

"As well as be creative and have an open mind as well."

----Be careful about unnecessary repetition. You only need to say "as well" one time in this sentence.----

My favorite writer would be myself.

Being my own favorite writer, I can look back at things I have written and easily correct them.


This sounds awkward. Perhaps reword it to something like this: "If I only give other writers positive feedback about their writing it brings up my own confidence and improves my writing as well." Also you need to explain why it would boost your confidence to give only positive feedback to other writers and how that would have any bearing on the improvement of your own writing. Why can't you give some negative feedback as well? People will not learn to be better writers if everyone always tells them that they are doing fine. Heck, even the point of this site is to offer constructive criticism. :)

Essays / Analytical Essay -- methods [5]

Did your instructor give you specific written instructions for this? If so then please post them here.

What is the teacher's essay about? Is it a persuasive essay? If so then you would analyze the methods that the teacher uses to persuade his/her audience.

Post the instructions.
Post a summary of the teacher's essay.
Then we can figure out exactly what it is you need to analyze.

Book Reports / The Crashing Symbols of The Glass Menagerie and My Little Town [27]

Dang! I'm so sorry. I will say that quote about teachers makes me sad, though, ha ha.

Do you mean formatting as in the style of the essay or citations or what?

Essays / Their Eyes Were Watching God . . . Need Help Outlining an Essay [13]

Remember that if you are going to be writing an essay on the types of treatment you need to go into why the women are treated the way they are. If you just talk about how the women are treated the way they are you will be essentially summarizing the plot.

Ask a question that pertains to the novel as a whole. This question will probably be about the way the women are treated. The question must be a why question. "What" and "how" questions lead to plot summary. Then you should try to answer the question. The answer is your thesis. Then you can have different paragraphs talking about the different types of treatment the women deal with and how these various types relate to and support your thesis.

(I love whiners. They are just adorable!)

Essays / Their Eyes Were Watching God . . . Need Help Outlining an Essay [13]

Ha ha, are you likening Hurston's style to that of random fruit-canvas-smashing?

Also, make sure you go talk to your teacher again in order to confirm exactly what the instructions are. Write them down as he dictates if you have to. To many people write great essays and get Cs because they got the prompt wrong.

(Most of the time those people deserve Fs, but if the teacher sees that they put in a lot of work and quality, no matter how off topic it is, he/she might give a "pity C."

Writing Feedback / Essay on advantages of computer games [16]

I would definitely bring up the differences between watching TV and playing computer games.

I have heard many people speak out against computer games saying that they are a waste of time or turn people into "zombies." I think that watching TV is alot worse than playing computer games in these regards. This is because TV is just straight input for your brain. Images flash before your eyes while you sit there and do absolutely nothing. Computer games, on the other hand, are a mixture of input and output for your brain as the player is required to recieve input from the game and output his/her response to the input. In that sense, video games are much or engaging and challenging than watching television.

I hate it when people who watch TV everyday complain about how video games are a waste of time.

Writing Feedback / Essay on advantages of computer games [16]

Yes, of course I understand that. I just happen to know a couple of elderly folks who always scold me when I play Starcraft when they are sitting on the couch watching Days of Our Lives.

Book Reports / Did thomas scott commit treason against the Metis? [9]

Do we look like yahoo answers or something? This is an essay help forum. If you dont have an essay or at least the instructions you have been given to write an essay then we cannot help you.

Tell me what you think the answer to your question is in essay format and then we can give you constructive feedback.

Writing Feedback / War -- victor or no victor? [45]

What about those people who say give me liberty or give me death. For many people, they would rather die than live as slaves under authoritarian regimes. Now don't jump to conclusions because I'm not saying that all wars are fights for freedom because they rarely are. If you define an objective and you achieve it then you have won. (Sean and I have been arguing this for days, ha ha. Maybe that will continue into this thread, oh no...) Just because there was a tremendous loss of life in the process of fighting doesn't mean that things would not have been much worse if we hadn't fought at all.


You only consider the first part: "live long" but what about the second part: living well? In World War II many people deemed that it would be better to die than to see their homelands occuppied and bastardized by the Nazis. If they had to sacrifice their culture, freedom, and dignity to the Nazis then they would rather die than live. To be honest, I would rather die than live as a slave.


You make it sound like being alive is the only thing that is valuable in the world. That is completely ridiculous. I can think of many situations where I would rather die than face the consequences of being alive. What if you were going to be in jail is some foreign country for your whole life where you would be regularly tortured and abused. If I was in North Korea and had no hope of escaping I would probably want to die rather than live my life their where I can't even think for myself. Life is worth something to me if it is a good life (I am talking about my life by the way) but it is worth nothing if it is a bad life. So yes, war is horribly wasteful when it comes to human lives but in some wars, not all, it is worth the price because death would be a better option than seeing your people stripped of freedom, dignity, and culture.

Writing Feedback / War -- victor or no victor? [45]

Kevin, if you disagree with what Sean is saying then you have to at least make some attempt give logical reasons why. You can't just say, "Thinking of humanity collectively, you cannot win a war, because war hurts humanity." You are just repeating something that Mustafa already said which Sean has already disproved.

This goes back to my original post which introduced ideas to disprove Mustafa's thesis. So far no one has even attempted to challenged these ideas so I can assume that you all have nothing to say, ha ha. If I am wrong then please show me your logic.

There are other goals in war other than saving lives. Some instances require a re-evaluation of the value of life when the conditions of such a life have dropped below a certain point. There are many situations where it would be better to die than to live under the current conditions. For instance: being free is not specifically a "black, white, brown: American, Iraqi, or Ugandan: rich, middle class, broke: intelligent, ordinary, dull: Christian, Muslim, [or] Buddhist" goal. It is a "human" goal. People are willing to die for this goal and it has nothing to do with being a member of a subgroup. So this is a "human goal" that is worth the cost of death for many people.

Writing Feedback / War -- victor or no victor? [45]


The problem is this: Mustafa says something. Sean counters it. You try to support Mustafa by repeating what he said earlier. The point you are repeating has already been countered so it is useless to repeat it. A valuable response would be one that counters what Sean said. Its like this:

David says, "The earth is flat because it appears to be flat when I look at it."

John counters by saying, "That doesn't make sense because the laws of gravity would pull the matter of the earth into a sphere and our vantage point does not provide us with a good perspective to judge the shape of the earth based on how it appears to us... etc.

Then George tries to support David by saying, "No no, David's point makes perfect sense! You know what he means. If the world looks flat to us then it must be flat!"

Obviously George's comment offers no extra logical content to the argument and does not succeed in supporting David's argument because it fails to confront what John said to counter David.

If you say that something makes sense right after we logically explained to you how it doesn't then you have to point out the flaws in our logic, not just repeat what we have already countered.

Theoretically if we had a war for absolutely no reason then it would even help get rid of extra population. Wars, however, are rarely fought for no reason. In fact some wars are fought for "human" reasons that transcend political, ethnic, and racial groups. I will present the example of a war fought for freedom or "independence." Such a war can be won and can be beneficial to humanity because it can improve the lives of millions of people who would have otherwise lived under oppressive conditions. That was point #1.

Point #2. For many people there are other things more important than simply preserving human life. Maybe you would always choose life rather than death no matter what the consequences were but many people would not. There are some causes worth dying for. There are some situations where fighting to the death to resist would be better than accepting oppression.

There are my two arguments. So now you have two choices. You can either agree with everything I have said and then agree that Mustafa's point was too overly simplistic and failed to take into account a lot of unseen factors... OR you can try to counter the two points I just gave you.

Show me the logic!

Writing Feedback / War -- victor or no victor? [45]


That does not logically make sense. If war can be avoided then yes it would be better to avoid it, but that does not change the fact that once you start to fight a war, it can be won or lost. I would avoid a fist fight with someone but if I was forced into one then I would be fighting to win. It is very possible to win a war such as getting independence or repelling invaders. Just because human life can be lost does not mean that it is not possible to achieve objectives that will be beneficial for humanity. (don't ask me what objectives I am talking about because I have repeated what they are countless times and have never been challenged on them.)


The problem is that reasons for fighting war are directly related to objectives and how we define if we have won or lost a war. So if you say that "there is no victor" it's like saying that no one achieved what they were set out to achieve. This is just simply incorrect. As I said before just because lives were lost in the revolutionary war doesn't mean that the colonists did not win independence.


My points counter what Mustafa says, so it would be impossible for you to agree with Mustafa and I at the same time. Mustafa says that no one wins a war because human lives are lost. I counter by saying that there are things of value in the world other than human lives and thus wars can still be won despite create human loss if the human loss was worth it. You can't agree with both points because they contradict each other.


It's this simple: Someone makes a statement. Someone else comes along and counters the statement with a logical argument. No one is able to refute what the second person said. Therefore, until someone is able to logically refute the argument that counters the original statement, the statement is worthless because no one can support it. If a statement is easily countered through logic then it is illogical and invalid. If you don't think that we have disproven what Mustafa has said then show us where our logic went wrong. I believe that everything needs an explaination. Thinking that some things need no explaination is very dangerous mindset because it encourages people to stop thinking about difficult questions and to accept ideas that don't make sense.


This is all irrelevant to the conversation at hand. We are talking about whether or not it is possible to win a war. Your comments relate to whether or not it would be beneficial to fight a war in the first place. That is not the topic of discussion here. I would conceed that if we could it would be better to settle things peacefully. That is not in question. This is like the strawman fallacy. You take what we are saying, change it into something we never actually said, then you defeat the new "warped" version of our argument. This achieves nothing.


Are you saying that you don't believe in evolution? Seriously, come on... I vouched for your intellectual power so many times in that horrendously long thread. The fossil record provides an overwhelming amount of evidence in favor of evolution.


Ok, you don't understand how mutation works. Mutation does not remove information, it simply alters it. The DNA code does not become shorter and shorter as species evolve. But, even if this point were true it would be irrelevant because it says nothing about the validity of the theory of evolution.


Swine flu is a new type of disease. The reason that new diseases are created is because they evolve from existing ones. New diseases are not spontaneously created.


Ok, so you don't understand what evolution is either. What you just detailed is called natural selection and it is the mechanism for evolution as Darwin detailed it. So without knowing it, you have just argued in favor of Darwin's theory of evolution.


This still does not say anything about the validity of the theory of evolution. Also over time, selective breeding can lead to a change in reproductive compatability. This would lead to the creation of a new species. This is called speciation and is a form of evolution. Speciation does not have to fully occur in order for us to see that evolution is at work. A building does not need to be fully contructed for us to see that its construction is taking place.

Writing Feedback / 'useless in applying theories'; Daily homework is not necessary for students [5]

I don't think that many motivated students can use the amount of time they spend on homework as a viable excuse for not getting involved in internships and community service. If you are motivated you will get done what you want to get done, homework and all.


Exams reflect a student's ability to use and apply the theories that they learn in class. It would not make sense for you to say that homework helps students get higher test scores but does not help them use and apply theories. They had to show what they learned on the test and homework is what helped them do that.


I think the problem is that most students who do not get any value out of their homework assignments would not be doing anything "inventive" or "creative" in their spare time. The people who are productive with their spare time like that are the people who value their assignments because they challenge them to apply what they have learned in the classroom.

When you sit in a classroom and listen to the teacher talk you are getting input but no output. Without assignments the teacher would just lecture for days and days and then have a test at the end of every couple of weeks. That means that all that time the students would be unable to practice their essay writing skills or practice applying mathmatical theories and working out tough problems, etc. So when the test finally came and demanded that the students apply all of their knowledge, they would have no practice doing so and would most likely fail. This is an absurd learning strategy. If you believe in "studying" before a test, or practicing skills before you have to perform under pressure then how can you say that homework has no value?

Writing Feedback / War -- victor or no victor? [45]

Dagnabit, I just returned to this site after a couple days absence and my favorite thread is already gone! But, I would be interested to hear your revisions, Mustafa, if you care to make them.

Grammar, Usage / Critical Thinking - to form well thought out and defensible arguments in papers [13]

I think one important thing to keep in mind is the difference between arguing from logic and arguing from emotion. This may seem obvious but many people use certain arguments (especially during debates about morality) that they believe logically make sense but are, in actuality, just humanity's collective emotional response to something. For instance, I feel that most debates over abortion are differences in emotional thought rather than logical thought.

Where do you personally draw the line where a human life begins? (can you make a logical argument for that?)

Why should we consider human life to be sacred no matter the cost? (what logical arguments can you form for that?)

Why is it immoral to kill a fetus? Who suffers from this? (you may find examples of people who suffer from abortion but can you really prove logically that killing a fetus is immoral?)

This means that such debates and arguments are in some ways pointless from a logical standpoint and are almost impossible to counter. However, we base a lot of our laws on emotional arguments that cannot be logically proven. Many people try to argue these points but in the end you cannot use logic to argue emotional ideas.

Grammar, Usage / Critical Thinking - to form well thought out and defensible arguments in papers [13]

Well, I certainly do appreciate all of your thoughts about abortion. However, this thread was created as a Critical Thinking thread so I would like it to stay a little more on topic with general critical thinking strategies.

Obviously the abortion debate should be thought of critically and is a valid example for the thread subject but this thread is just turning into an "abortion thread." I would love to debate abortion with you all but I would ask that we do it somewhere else.

Grammar, Usage / Logical Fallacies (for debate and persuasive writing) [23]

Fallacy of Composition: Attributing the same traits that are exhibited by certain members of a group onto the entire group as a whole. Example:

Premise 1: Biological Cells are invisible to the naked eye.
Premise 2: The human body is made of cells.
Conclusion: The human body is invisible.

Fallacy of Division: Attributing the same traits that are exhibited by a group as a whole onto individual members of that group. Example:

Premise 1: A paragraph in a newspaper offers newsworthy information.
Premise 2: A paragraph in a newspaper is made up of individual words.
Conclusion: An individual word offers newsworthy information.

Masked Man Fallacy: The assumption that two elements cannot be the same if the extent of certain knowledge possessed by a party about each individual element is different. Example:

Premise 1: I know Jeff.
Premise 2: I don't know who stole the banana.
Conclusion: Jeff and the banana stealer cannot be the same person.

Undergraduate / short answer on extracurricular activities (need to reduce the word count) [5]

The only work experiences that I have really had is volunteering at Heaven's Heights Personal Care Center . I worked there for volunteer hours, butas I kept working there, it felt less and less like volunteer work. Over the (X amount of time) I volunteered at Heaven's Heights Personal Care Center the hours that I volunteered felt less and less like work. I go there to help the mentally ill. the people there as much as they want. I try to brighten up their day by doing everything with a smile on my face. I wanted to do whatever I could with a big smile on my face and try to brighten up the patient's days. Helping them write letters, playing games with them, going with them on walks was fulfilling .

I had the pleasure of being under the leadership of Priscilla Obi, an owner of a nursing assistant school. She showed me how to connect with the patients. I learned leadership skills by having to take care of and look after patients.I had serious responsibility that I learned to handle in my time working there. Over time I learned to handle major responsibilities and the pressure that goes with them. I was responsible for a portion of their well-being. I can handle such pressure. I adapted to the job; I know I can adapt to any situation. I proved it to myself when I started my volunteer work there. Helping the mentally challenged is fulfilling and I am happy I have the opportunity to do it.

Well I think this is about 152. It's probably a bit daunting to sift through but give it a try.

Grammar, Usage / Logical Fallacies (for debate and persuasive writing) [23]

If you believe in cause and effect then you must understand that there is nothing random in the physical universe. (Unless you go back to the big bang or something of that nature. I will accept that that may be the exception but we do not know for sure.) Even computers can't do random. They operate on a system that is so complex and has so many variables that to a human it seems random but in reality it is just a really complicated system. Randomity is just an illusion created by humans who are do not possess enough brain power to take into account every variable that can affect a certain event. Even dice rolling is not random. If you had a brain powerfull enough to calculate every single variable that comes into play when you roll dice you could predict the result every time. Since we are not smart enough to predict such things we say that the result is "random" even though there is no such thing.

Undergraduate / FSU addmissions essay ("I believe your University will give me the knowledge") [10]

What was the word limit given to you by the prompt? (I do understand that this is just the first paragraph.)

You say that you want to talk about Vires but then go on to describe something more related to character. (intellectual morals?) Perhaps you meant that you have developed strength in these areas from your experiences with a-beka and you teachers.

You also say that you started some sort of foundation at a private school. What foundation? What was it for? How does this relate to the prompt? You can't just randomly open up a subject and then drop it by the next sentence without at least explaining what it is you are talking about and how it has anything to do with the prompt.

This paragraph seems to have no focus. You need to decide on one (or more) of the words given to you in the prompt and talk about how your experiences and your life reflect its meaning. You talk about how teachers loved and supported you but you don't relate that back Vires. You also talk about your mother. What does this have to do with strength? You have to tell us what it was about your mother's influence that made you stronger. Mentioning your mother seems like it came out of left field because you do not relate it back to Vires.

As it stands this paragraph is basically just a list of different miscellaneus experiences and influences from you life that you don't attempt to relate back to any of the concepts from the prompt. You start off with the intention of focusing on strength but then immediately go off topic for the rest of the paragraph. You can make the experiences and influences you mentioned relate to strength but you need to tailor every single example that you give to fit.

So, pick some values and don't write anything about your life without explaining directly how it relates back to them. After you write every sentence just ask yourself: "does what I just wrote relate back to the point of this essay?" Stay focused!

Undergraduate / "Comrade Hu and passion for languages" - College Admissions Essay Introduction [13]

I do think it has a certain charm about it but it seems to end off rather abruptly. Perhaps some people feel that this makes a cute unorthodox little ending but to me it sounds like you are ending on a bad note. I immediately thought to myself, "Uh ok that was an interesting story but what's the point? What did you learn from this?" I do understand the point, I think, but it would be good to at least add one or two sentences at the end which explain how these experiences have confirmed, strengthened, and tested your passion for foreign languages. For instance: what is the moral of this story?

By the way you end the story it seems like you have failed to achieve what you want. Then you don't tell us what you learned or how you grew from the experience at all. It almost seems like you are trying to say that you discovered that language learning was the wrong path for you. Basically you say: 'I worked really hard to learn a language and then when I tried to practice it on one of my classmates he told me that I had gotten it all wrong.' Well geeze, that doesn't sound very encouraging!

You need to explain the relevance of the story more rather than just dumping a story on us with no reflection at all. How did this experience help you improve yourself?