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Posts by rockbiter
Joined: Dec 28, 2011		 Last Post: Jan 1, 2012
Threads: 1
Posts: 16  
From: United States of America

Displayed posts: 17
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rockbiter   
Jan 1, 2012
Undergraduate / 'my place among poets' - University of Michigan- A Group You Belong To [3]

I take my place among poets with a love of smooth stanzas and musicians reveling in the perfect harmony of two voices. I situate myself between the writer who listens lovingly to the scratches of her pen on crinkled paper, and the casual observer pricking his ears up to the pitter-patter of raindrops on a window, the tick-tock of an ancient grandfather clock, (and?) the smooth gravel of a groggy man's voice, shaken awake.

I am an audiophile, unashamedly in love with sound (insert space) - with noise, with the force pounding on our eardrums every second of every day.

First of all, all I have to say is GO BLUE! It's nice to see a fellow (future) Wolverine on here :) You have got yourself a solid essay. I love how you really stepped outside the norm for this essay. It's pretty fantastic, but the end of it ends pretty abruptly. Maybe some way to tie everything together? I believe you have a little bit more than 80 words until you reach the limit. As always, go blue! and good luck!
rockbiter   
Dec 31, 2011
Undergraduate / 'three dimensional problems' - BROWN Supp [6]

It always amazes me how we interact with the nature and with each other, forming a giant network. From this simple truth, we have created a quite complicated interactive system, and by studying economics, I will be able to analyze this system and seek for the(I would remove "the" because then it implies that there are only a few ways. By removing it, it then opens up the situation to an infinite many ways.) ways to improve efficiency and equality.

Your first sentence includes nature. I'm not sure how nature is supposed to related with economics. I would change your first sentence... maybe something with the economy? Wall St.? stocks?

We live in a three dimensional world with three dimensional problems; they are multidisciplinary in nature. Though I want to major in economics, I know that economics alone will not provide sufficient answers to the challenges we are facing. Therefore, during my undergraduate years,(I think this is not needed since you are applying for undergraduate admission and therefore it's implied.) I want to acquaint myself with various disciplines that will help me analyze the economy from various perspectives such as psychology, sociology, and history. I am strongly confident that my education and experience under the Brown Curriculum will prepare me to tackle the real life problems and to maximize my potential; I would like to explore the ocean of knowledge in a spirit of free inquiry at Brown University.

I like this one. Sounds great! Good luck! It'd be nice if you revised mine too :)
rockbiter   
Dec 31, 2011
Undergraduate / The Road book - Columbia essay (write about a book that is meaningful) [18]

Looks better than your other draft! I would change the sentence though to "The book not only intrigues me because our close connection, but because of its unconventional writing." Saying "also" in it sounds redundant to me because of the phrase "not only." Good luck!
rockbiter   
Dec 30, 2011
Faq, Help / Is it safe to post my essay here? Or should I be worried about Plagiarism? [175]

In your profile, there is a blank for your name. I would recommend that you put your real name in it. This way, when colleges/profs/teachers do a search on your essay, they can see that it is connected with your name, as your name is displayed at the bottom of each post that you make.
rockbiter   
Dec 30, 2011
Undergraduate / Why Michigan? An insight into my life and future. [2]

First of all, all I have to say is GO BLUE! It's nice to see a fellow (future) Wolverine on here :) You have got yourself a solid essay. I would watch your word choice sometimes by not repeating the same phrase over and over. The part I put in red - I wasn't sure why the "L," "T," and "A" were capitalized, but I'm sure you have a reason for it. Otherwise, this essay is very well written. As always, go blue! and good luck!
rockbiter   
Dec 30, 2011
Undergraduate / CommonApp Short Answer: "Best tutor in the world" [4]

I think that this is great! I would add some more emotions to it to make it more personal. It seems like you're a bit close on the character limit so maybe eliminating some filler words would help achieve this.
rockbiter   
Dec 30, 2011
Undergraduate / BU short essay; I have chosen to proceed with our forbidden love [2]

BornBeing born in New Jersey, I grew up a die-hard Yankees fan, automatically creating a hatred towards the Red Sox. Since BU is a five minute drive from Fenway Park, I always assumed I should hate it as well. Yet after doing research on BU, I found myself developing a forbidden love for it. The university provides rich diversity, enabling students to participate in enriched discussions, encounter new viewpoints, and broaden their own beliefs,; all important for me asbeing a political science major. Additionally, interested in law, I can further understand the subject on a global perspective through BU's semester-abroad programs. I have a secret desire to create a love story like Romeo and Juliet, so despite disapproval from Yankee fans, I have chosen to proceed with our forbidden love.

The sentence about law is kind of confusing. "The subject" is a little misleading on what it is actually referring to. I think that this is a good start, but it doesn't explain WHY BU. Any other college can have enriched discussion, new viewpoints, and broadening beliefs... those are important for you major, but it can happen anywhere. I believe it's too generic. I would go more in depth on WHY BU and not your major.
rockbiter   
Dec 30, 2011
Undergraduate / 'Tutored English writing' - Admissions Tutors interest essay [4]

The sentence structure is kind of repetitive: blah blah blah, I blah blah blah... It could use some restructuring and some sentence variety. To me, it basically seems like a list in paragraph form. Also, your last two sentences do not at all go along with the rest of the piece; it made them stand out, but awkwardly. Some of the formatting got messed up with the blue pen and the italics overlapping each other so it messed some things up - I apologize for that.
rockbiter   
Dec 29, 2011
Undergraduate / The Road book - Columbia essay (write about a book that is meaningful) [18]

The last part seems a bit disconnected and does not really conclude. Also, the paragraphs don't necessarily match up well with each other. I think it would be a good idea too to add in the author's full name, Cormac McCarthy. In MLA format, the title of a book is italicized, so I believe it would be best do so. Half of this essay sounds like an analysis paper or a book report, not a college admissions essay - try to make it even more personal, if possible.
rockbiter   
Dec 28, 2011
Undergraduate / 'Lugogo, Uganda' - Common app essay [6]

I don't see how "Proline Soccer Academy" is important in the first sentence.. just unneeded. Also, a lot of your sentences are very long; you could try to vary your sentence length and structure. Grammar and punctuation revisions within these sentences would make the piece flow much better. One more thing, colleges don't like to see admission essays with contractions, so try to avoid them :)
rockbiter   
Dec 28, 2011
Undergraduate / "Explain Unicorns" - Help with Ideas for UMICH Honors Program Essay [9]

UMICH Essay - Explain Unicorns - Will return the favor if helped!

I am applying the University of Michigan's Honors Program and the prompt is to "explain unicorns." Please criticize/critique/suggest/comment/correct! I will return the favor. Thanks!

As daylight surceases and dusk draws near, after a tiresome day of watching the other girls ride their bikes, a girl wishes her mother to read her a story - a story that will bewilder and astonish her. She searches the bookshelf and stumbles across a book that catches her eye. It's pink with some strange animal on the cover. Her mother explains to her that it's a "unicorn."

The girl "ooo's" and ahh's with amazement, hinting that she wants to learn more. As the story is told, her eyes glisten as she imagines the strong and fierce unicorn helping the distressed princess in the illustrations. The story is finished; it is bedtime. The girl begs for her mother to read more, but it's already late. She crawls under her sheets and slowly falls asleep dreaming of her new mystical fantasy: the unicorn.

I can't see a thing. Everything is so gauzy. Where am I? Is this a dream? The view suddenly starts to clear up. No, it can't be. Everything is seems too real. The grass is so luxuriant. The flowers are so kaleidoscopic. The trees . . they are so real. . the bark is so jagged. I can feel the delicate breeze. I can hear the birds chirping. Is this reality?

Gallop, gallop, gallop. Help! Help! Anybody out there? I'm stuck in this tower! The wicked witch put me in here! I need help! Gallop, gallop, gallop.

What's that I hear? There's this noise. It stomping-like. Gallop, gallop, gallop. There it is again. It sounds like . . no, it can't be. But wait there it is! It's my beautiful unicorn! Unicorn, come here! . . . It rushed off, but why? Can't it see me? I was right here!

The unicorn dashes off into the dense forest, scampering along the rugged path. It reaches an opening. At last, she has reached the tower - the princess' tower. She is trapped. Metal bars leather the small opening in the bricks.

Astonished, the young girl bolts as fast as she can on her tiny feet towards the unicorn. With not a single blink of the eye she follows her precious unicorn, anxiously wanting to play with it. She runs and runs, faster than she has ever run in her life. It is not enough. She has lost the unicorn . . exhausted . . hopeless.

I want my unicorn! I want my unicorn! Sighs. I just wish I could keep up . . .

Poof! Magically, a pony arrives. It is seamlessly stunning. Flawless as though covered in chocolate. Quickly, she comes to the assistance of the girl. Kneeling down, she nudges the girl to climb onto her back. She does so without hesitance and the rest is history. The two gallantly ride off into the forest to find the whereabouts of the girl's fantasized unicorn.

Grrrroom! Bang! The unicorn bashes the bars with its horn. Nothing. Again . . . Nothing. The princess sighs, puts her head down, and begins to cry. All her hope is lost. No one can rescue her now.

Gallop, gallop, gallop. I'm coming to you my unicorn! I'll get you to play with me! I want to straighten your hair and pet you all over. Then, you can take me on a ride and we can go fly into the clouds!

The girl and the horse finally reach the clearing. She gasps.

My unicorn! A princess! I'll save you! There has to be a door somewhere around here, there has to be. No, no, no. This is bad, really bad. Unicorn, please help the princess!

She thinks and concentrates hard, wishing for the unicorn to be able to save the princess. Moments pass by. Then, out of the blue, the unicorn's horn starts to glow. The light is blinding - stunningly powerful. The princess looks up. The unicorn astoundingly slices the bars like a piece of cake. At last the princess is free. In all excitement, the girl leaps and claps her hands together.

A blur. Darkness.

Mmmmuuaaahhhhhh. Stretching hands out. Good morning mama. I had the best dream last night! There was this unicorn, a pony, and a princess! It was so cool and pretty! The unicorn saved the princess trapped in the tower. You had to see it mama, you had to! You know what mama? I want to learn how to ride a bike today just like all the other girls! I'm not afraid anymore. I just concentrate hard enough then I can do anything! I can even fly! Nothing can stop me!
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